JDaters Anonymous

I’ll admit it–I really liked “The Breakup.” Not because I’m like all into the Vaughniston thing (may it rest in pieces), but because finally, it presented a celluloid relationship that was flawed, and even sarcastic or mean in parts. It felt realer than the swelling music of romance as lovers race toward each other across a field, or he “has her at hello,” or “she rescues him right back,” or they meet atop the Empire State Building and know from the second they see each other that it’s just right. I mean, call me a cynic, but puh-leeeze.

It’s because of movies like these that I’ve spent most of my adolescent and post-adolescent life with a romanticized view of love that’s nowhere near approaching reality. I know this, but still, I’m wired to believe that this kind of romance exists. And that’s why it’s good for America to have films that portray relationships as difficult, nuanced, tenuous–which on the day-to-day level is often more of a series of logistical and emotional negotiations than a romantic blur of kissing, hand-holding, companionship and epic music. “The Breakup” tells you right in the title–this isn’t your standard rom-com. And yet, the first audience comment I heard at the screening I attended was: “Well, that’s two hours of my life I’m never getting back. That was the worst movie ever.” But that’s not what the female, twentysomething moviegoer really meant. She meant: “I wanted a happy ending.”

A new film, “Flannel Pajamas,” according to the NY Sun, will likely also disappoint the disgruntled rom-com seeking audience member I overheard, but may just help us all understand that relationships aren’t all magic and romance and happily ever afters. As writer Steven J. Snyder says in the article:

Turning its back on the sentimental for the universal, this isn’t a pick-meup tale of how we wish life was, but a loving embrace of a movie made by filmmakers who know a thing or two about how it actually is [...] What’s powerful about “Flannel Pajamas” is that these two remind of us of flawed couples we know — personalities of people who fit together, but not perfectly. Like trying to force a puzzle piece into a spot it doesn’t fit, Stuart [Justin Kirk] and Nicole [Julianne Nicholson] function if they push as hard as they can to make their relationship work, but without the added effort, they will never be what the other needs. And yet they try, committed to building something that’s more good than bad, believing that affection is enough to overcome the obstacles of family, friends, dreams, and emotions. Amid this struggle, “Flannel Pajamas” becomes one of the few movie romances to own up to the truth: In the end, marriage is about a whole lot more than just love.

Wouldn’t that be an interesting message for today’s impressionable minds to leave the theater with? That, even when there’s an instant connection, love still takes work? That relationships aren’t instantly the solution to your problems?

I know I’m like a Grinch stealing relationship Christmas. Reality sucks, but that’s where we live. “The Breakup” got decent reviews, but wasn’t a major success–maybe people still flee to the movies to escape their lives, and if their problems follow them into the plot, they’re not happy. But is that happiness delusional? And is delusional happiness healthy, in the long run, if it alters our expectations to an impossible level?

In talking with a friend one night this week, she mentioned that she ordered alcohol on a recent first date. I’m no Puritan, but I was kind of surprised. I assumed that people don’t drink on first dates, because I generally don’t drink on first dates.

Men don’t seem to ask me to bars on first dates, or if they do, the bars in question are of the coffee variety. Which of course, just makes me jittery. But of the handful of “bar dates” I’ve been on, neither of us has ordered alcohol. There was one where I ordered wine and the guy ordered a diet soda. But other than that, my dates were pretty dry.

Maybe that’s why I’m still single–because I’m not drinking enough on dates. My feeling was that since alcohol makes me a little amorous, slightly loopy, and more than a little sarcastic (if of an increased vocabulary and fairly entertaining), better a first date should have a good and solid first impression of me than that I end up doing or saying something I’m not going to be happy about later. But maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe I should start drinking on first dates. Or maybe, even before.

Do you have a policy about drinking or not drinking on first dates?

This just in…

From lectures to parties, from concerts by gay Jewish rappers to quiet singles dinners, now Jewish members of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community can seek the kinds of community events they want on GayGevalt.com, the new events calendar for GLBTs.

According to the official press release: “GayGevalt.com draws on all facets of the community to contribute to the calendar. With continued input, and with over three hundred events already posted, this community resource promises tremendous growth.” The calendar promises to appeal to the diverse interests of members of this community, and to link up all the organizations created and maintained by GLBT Jews all over the country.

(Yiddishists everywhere are unlikely to approve of the name. But that’s to be expected.)

OK, gang…sorry for the delay in posting. I’m back now, and will hope to post regularly from here on in. Stay tuned and thanks for your support even in my absence.

With online dating, sometimes people seem a little off. Part of it is the medium, which presents information that might have been intended by the sender in one way, and is reinterpreted in another by the recipient.

For instance, this article intersperses personal reflections with real emails and ads from online daters, so you get exposure to word art like this:

“Come hither and yon most resplendent daughter of Zeus so we might cavort (with body, mind and spirit) NOT in that heavenly vault of royal blue, but rather here upon the terrestrial (i.e. terra firma) tarmac! Prithee tell this faux Dionysus that which harkens deep within the psyche and quickens the pulse! I could attempt to summon forth that animal, diurnal and seminal splendor that springs from latent mental and physical powers!”

OK, I admit it. I like it when a guy can speak English, knows the difference between “its” and “it’s,” and illustrates that he has a large (ahem) vocabulary. But this is too much.

A friend of mine sent me this email, received by the notorious “friend of a friend” that makes it impossible to track–it would be impossible to believe, but the truth is that we’ve all received propositions like this one…(spellings and punctuation preserved for full effect):

I have a picture to send, provided you are still interested after reading this email. If you are not open minded and get offended …please do not continue to read. Lets face it conventional marriage does NOT work. How many friends do you have who are married and miserable ? or divorced ? or cheating on their spouses ? There is a reason Carrers – kids – life in general take over and passion, love and sex go out the door. I would like to think i’m an enlightened jewish male. I want to have a life partner and or wife with a beautiful family life and children with one twist… I’m not seeking an open marriage (thats just two people who cheat on eachother) I am seeking a woman who is interested in the “Lifestyle”. If you are not familiar – Think Swinging…… I’m seeking a woman who wants a strong relationship …but is open to meeting other couples and women along the way……keeping the passion and the sex HOT for ever… I know you may be completely offended reading this…and i’m sorry if you are…i’m seeking an enlightened woman to meet… This is not an email to just get laid….I’m seeking a partner in crime to enjoy this with…erotic parties, hedonism and fun times… to the outside world we are a very normal cute couple….we have our little secret…..

Everyone has secrets. And some people like their relationships a little on the dangerous side. And I get the whole “let’s not be exclusive because it’s more fun and more natural than monogamy” thing. But trolling JDate for this kind of thing? Really? Do people do that? Because I know many women who have received such an email on JDate, and no men who have (admitted to having) sent such an email…isn’t it interesting how that works?

One of my upcoming events has me presiding over a group discussion at NYC’s Skirball Center on the subject of “dating and Jewish ethics.” (November 28th, $10, or free if you email me to register in advance.) Among the items I’m hoping to address is the issue of “full disclosure” when it comes to setting people up. How much about a person’s past (or present) do you reveal before a first date? How much of it is really important, and how much is hearsay, conjecture, and personal bias?

I’ve argued before, in this space and in others, that we often know too much about our blind dates that influences the framework in which we see them. Even before we’ve met, if I know someone’s age or profession, I might make certain negative assumptions, and hold to those assumptions even if the date itself is going well. (And by “I,” I’m using myself as “Everydater.”)
Some things are objective: a person is so many feet tall, or is an accountant. (Sorry, accountants. I don’t know why I’m picking on you.) But then there’s the other stuff that people tell us about prospective dates that we probably don’t need to know in advance of a first meeting. “He’s not that tall or attractive, but he’s a nice guy,” does not have a single gal looking eagerly forward to the date. “She’s kind of boring, but I understand that once you get to know her, she’s really got a good heart,” sounds like a compliment. But her prospective dates will likely remember the negative, rather than be open-minded. Not every person has a good sense of humor; not every  40-year-old looks like an old man; not every accountant is boring. (Although in my experience, it takes an exceptional person to defy that last norm.)
In reading this post at SerandEz, whose blog I don’t visit enough, I became aware that this isn’t just my problem. Especially within the religious Jewish community, there are certain things that people leave out of their conversations with the matchmakers. For example, if someone was in some way “off the derech” (off the path of religious Judaism) at some point in their past–instances of eating disorders, drug use, depression and promiscuity might be examples–that might be left out. Not exactly a lie, but not exactly truth either. Aside from a kind of disturbing but not unsurprising tendency to connect homosexuality with child abuse, the comments section reveals some interesting theoretical situations and responses to some of the questions brought up by the issue of honesty in matchmaking situations.

So the larger question is, how would you handle such situations? Say you’re setting someone up with someone else who “has a past”–would you reveal all, or be selective about what you reveal? And what if you’re the one being set up….would your answer differ? Would you want to know about high school drug use, even if the person is reformed? What about learning disabilities or a history of depression? What about whether a person has been married and divorced before?

How much would you want to know about a person before you even get to know a person?