JDaters Anonymous

Many of us are out of work, and are spending all day and likely evenings and nights cruising the internet looking for the right job. We’re preparing and sending resumes and interviewing in person, and waiting for a callback when we think it’s the right fit. We experience the disappointment of having interviews that we tank, and others that seem to go well, but the interviewing company either tells us “it’s not you, it’s us” or just gets hit by the equivalent of the Bus.

And then, for a change of pace, we’re on JDate or Match or anywhere else, going through exactly the same process – creating our online resume, contacting potential people who might be interested in our services and experience, waiting for a response or a callback, praying that we get a face-to-face meeting, and hoping for the right chemistry…sometimes ending again in “the Bus.”

The Boston Globe notes in a recent article that “it’s hard to find a date when you don’t have a job.” It notes the problems, particularly from men who like to pick up the check but who can’t afford more than a beer at the end of the day.

In tough economic times, do you pay JDate or a headhunter? Is “between jobs right now” the kiss of death (or rather, no kissing at all) for potential daters? Or does a happy love life make for a happier jobhunter? And should we create an “economic stimulus package” or “bailout” for singles to make our dating lives a little easier? Or maybe we should just enact legislation that until both parties are gainfully employed, we’ll all pay for our own drinks?

I was really happy when “The Rules” disappeared. The book, which had espoused what seemed to amount to a plan of playing hard to get, was one of those things that grated: Could it be that simple and calculated, that it was all a game? How do you play a game without playing with your or other people’s emotions? How could there be a game if everyone is playing by different rules? Perhaps “The Rules” book was trying to codify those rules. But if only women read it, then all it achieves is feeding the stereotype that women are playing games.

But if it wasn’t a game to begin with, it is now. The dating book industry has made it just that.

In case the boxes of books I gave away or stored when I moved or the dating-related volumes I still receive in the mail (most recent title: “Saying No to Naked Women,” published by A Healthy Relationship Press and according to its PR, a “new anti-pornographic novel that raises critical issues for the Jewish community”) weren’t an indicator, I recently went to a buck-a-book store to make my bookshelves seem less lonely, and found a whole new bunch of titles that I hadn’t seen: Engaging Men, Date Like a Man, and The Idiot’s Guide to Interfaith Relationships. (I haven’t read any of them yet, and the total impact so far is that I am now $3 poorer.)

Here’s what I think. If you want a game plan, you can create one to follow. If you need rules to keep you focused, great. But be aware that not everyone is playing by the same rules, and even if they’re in what seems like the same game, they might be operating with an entirely different scoring system. While it might be difficult at times, or seem insensitive, maybe honesty is still the best policy and all the game-playing should be left to those who are getting paid to do it.