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Esther Kustanowitz
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Posts by Esther Kustanowitz
I’m Back, Really I Am
018 years
OK, gang…sorry for the delay in posting. I’m back now, and will hope to post regularly from here on in. Stay tuned and thanks for your support even in my absence.
Red Flags
218 years
With online dating, sometimes people seem a little off. Part of it is the medium, which presents information that might have been intended by the sender in one way, and is reinterpreted in another by the recipient.
For instance, this article intersperses personal reflections with real emails and ads from online daters, so you get exposure to word art like this:
“Come hither and yon most resplendent daughter of Zeus so we might cavort (with body, mind and spirit) NOT in that heavenly vault of royal blue, but rather here upon the terrestrial (i.e. terra firma) tarmac! Prithee tell this faux Dionysus that which harkens deep within the psyche and quickens the pulse! I could attempt to summon forth that animal, diurnal and seminal splendor that springs from latent mental and physical powers!”
OK, I admit it. I like it when a guy can speak English, knows the difference between “its” and “it’s,” and illustrates that he has a large (ahem) vocabulary. But this is too much.
A friend of mine sent me this email, received by the notorious “friend of a friend” that makes it impossible to track–it would be impossible to believe, but the truth is that we’ve all received propositions like this one…(spellings and punctuation preserved for full effect):
I have a picture to send, provided you are still interested after reading this email. If you are not open minded and get offended …please do not continue to read. Lets face it conventional marriage does NOT work. How many friends do you have who are married and miserable ? or divorced ? or cheating on their spouses ? There is a reason Carrers – kids – life in general take over and passion, love and sex go out the door. I would like to think i’m an enlightened jewish male. I want to have a life partner and or wife with a beautiful family life and children with one twist… I’m not seeking an open marriage (thats just two people who cheat on eachother) I am seeking a woman who is interested in the “Lifestyle”. If you are not familiar – Think Swinging…… I’m seeking a woman who wants a strong relationship …but is open to meeting other couples and women along the way……keeping the passion and the sex HOT for ever… I know you may be completely offended reading this…and i’m sorry if you are…i’m seeking an enlightened woman to meet… This is not an email to just get laid….I’m seeking a partner in crime to enjoy this with…erotic parties, hedonism and fun times… to the outside world we are a very normal cute couple….we have our little secret…..
Everyone has secrets. And some people like their relationships a little on the dangerous side. And I get the whole “let’s not be exclusive because it’s more fun and more natural than monogamy” thing. But trolling JDate for this kind of thing? Really? Do people do that? Because I know many women who have received such an email on JDate, and no men who have (admitted to having) sent such an email…isn’t it interesting how that works?
Honesty and the Zen of Matchmaking
1818 years
One of my upcoming events has me presiding over a group discussion at NYC’s Skirball Center on the subject of “dating and Jewish ethics.” (November 28th, $10, or free if you email me to register in advance.) Among the items I’m hoping to address is the issue of “full disclosure” when it comes to setting people up. How much about a person’s past (or present) do you reveal before a first date? How much of it is really important, and how much is hearsay, conjecture, and personal bias?
I’ve argued before, in this space and in others, that we often know too much about our blind dates that influences the framework in which we see them. Even before we’ve met, if I know someone’s age or profession, I might make certain negative assumptions, and hold to those assumptions even if the date itself is going well. (And by “I,” I’m using myself as “Everydater.”)
Some things are objective: a person is so many feet tall, or is an accountant. (Sorry, accountants. I don’t know why I’m picking on you.) But then there’s the other stuff that people tell us about prospective dates that we probably don’t need to know in advance of a first meeting. “He’s not that tall or attractive, but he’s a nice guy,” does not have a single gal looking eagerly forward to the date. “She’s kind of boring, but I understand that once you get to know her, she’s really got a good heart,” sounds like a compliment. But her prospective dates will likely remember the negative, rather than be open-minded. Not every person has a good sense of humor; not every 40-year-old looks like an old man; not every accountant is boring. (Although in my experience, it takes an exceptional person to defy that last norm.)
In reading this post at SerandEz, whose blog I don’t visit enough, I became aware that this isn’t just my problem. Especially within the religious Jewish community, there are certain things that people leave out of their conversations with the matchmakers. For example, if someone was in some way “off the derech” (off the path of religious Judaism) at some point in their past–instances of eating disorders, drug use, depression and promiscuity might be examples–that might be left out. Not exactly a lie, but not exactly truth either. Aside from a kind of disturbing but not unsurprising tendency to connect homosexuality with child abuse, the comments section reveals some interesting theoretical situations and responses to some of the questions brought up by the issue of honesty in matchmaking situations.
So the larger question is, how would you handle such situations? Say you’re setting someone up with someone else who “has a past”–would you reveal all, or be selective about what you reveal? And what if you’re the one being set up….would your answer differ? Would you want to know about high school drug use, even if the person is reformed? What about learning disabilities or a history of depression? What about whether a person has been married and divorced before?
How much would you want to know about a person before you even get to know a person?
The Five Stages (IAmBored.Com)
318 years
Via IAmBored.com, here is one writer’s assessment of the five stages of online dating: The Actual Truth Stage (trying to find someone who loves you for who you are); The Fudging of the Truth Stage (which includes a little ‘light invention’); the Blatantly Lying Stage (which involved an amalgam of elements from other people’s profiles, creating a profile that the author calls “as unrelated to me as possible”); The Screw You Bastards Stage (Handle: “TasteTheLove_TasteIt; Quote: I’m only creepy on the inside) and The “Giving Up on Society” Stage (“What I’m looking for: Anyone. Seriously.”).
Just like they always told us in improv class: it’s funny because it’s true.
“High School Revisited” (Jewish Week-First Person Singular)
418 years
High School Revisited
by Esther D. Kustanowitz
October 27, 2006
Back in high school, popularity was a cliche. There were varsity jackets, and even though there were no cheerleaders in yeshiva high schools, there were popular girls who would have seized a set of pompoms were they to be given rabbinic authorization to do so. Academic achievement was a given, but the varsity Jews were our physical elite, admired for rising above the cerebral success so long associated with our people, ascending to a place of physical strength. Even in a school that assigned points for Jewish values, high scores on the court sometimes meant more. Even in yeshiva, the social order followed secular norms: jocks at the top, nerds at the bottom.
In those days, one of the worst things you could call someone was “nerd.” Or “geek.” Or “four-eyes.” Being smart was nerdy enough; knowing how a computer worked was like the social kiss of death. You could use a computer for video games, but with Atari and Nintendo, you had self-contained gaming units; to master Pac-Man or Donkey Kong it was no computer required. And you’d certainly never mention having seen Star Wars 47 times.
Toting hardware used to be a bad thing. (Pocket protector, anyone?) But in 2006, being smart or involved in technology isn’t necessarily unpopular. Sure, high school is probably still a challenge. But today, geeks are role models. They created Windows, revolutionizing the way computers are used. They took “Al Gore’s Internet” and developed a tool that people can’t imagine living without. People live online: instant messaging, e-mailing, downloading, gaming, buying more stuff than anyone could conceivably need at Amazon.com and eBay. Without world nerd-dom, we wouldn’t have file-sharing or iPods.
Today’s pocket protectors are a business must-have–they’re called BlackBerrys. Today, everyone is a nerd at heart. Kids today own their nerdiness in an inspiring and holistic manner. Even cool kids are tech geeks, with their Sidekicks and plasma screens. Bloggers are arguably the most vocal kind of neo-nerd, but they–OK, we– wear the badge proudly, as it conveys a literate, passionate force of the opinionated, the vox populi given a platform. In high school, we might have suffered in silence. But time is the great equalizer. Nowadays, either literally or figuratively, we all wear glasses.
Because things have changed, we should face facts and readjust our expectations. Today, there are many more nerds than jocks, many more geeks than cheerleaders. These facts should provide us with a comfort zone of the cerebral. But anecdotally, experientially and in conversations overheard (OK, eavesdropped on) at Starbucks, our dating expectations are still totally out of whack. Women claim to want smart Jewish guys, but also want them to be strong, tall and non-nerdy. And men, literally sitting at the same table, say “I’ll go out with anyone, as long as she’s hot.”
As adults, we’ve recontextualized our nerdiness as normal. But inside, we’re still the faded remnants of whoever we were in high school, still playing by junior varsity rules. We believe we’re open-minded. But we’re probably not–maybe because we’re socially conditioned to believe that aligning with geeks will drag us back down, while “dating up” grants an all-access pass to communal acceptance. And the message of such an upward socially mobile alliance is recognition by someone “worthy” who sees that we are more than just our labels.
Which, of course, we are. Jewish singles are bodies and brains, hearts and ideas, values, personalities and quirks. Jocks may pick their noses, and cheerleaders may snore unattractively. A guy with a facial scar may not be dangerous, and a woman who’s endlessly peppy may not be happy. Our outsides don’t always match our insides. We’re all walking wounded, containing the shards of our adolescent selves; it’s called baggage because we take it everywhere.
The eternal dating challenge is to seek lasting relationships that elate us but which are still grounded in viable reality. Lowering expectations from “too high” to “reasonable” is not “settling”–it’s “being realistic.” But here’s the rub: Only by accepting ourselves for who we are can we expect the same of others–whoever they were then, or are now. Whatever our outside appearance, we’ve always been who we are. And even if life has transformed us from pimply teens to confident adults, on the inside, we are still us.
Esther D. Kustanowitz has seen Star Wars about 47 times and often wears her glasses.
JDate Halloween Tips: Dress Like a Whore and You’ll Be Fine
318 years
That’s right…Halloween approacheth, like a slow, painful evisceration peeking over the horizon. Prepare for the endless string of horror flicks all over basic cable, a proliferation of candy corn at local supermarkets, and bloodied accident victims punctuating the streets with flecks of disastrous, panic-provoking seasonal color. (No, I’m not a big Halloween fan.)
And it wouldn’t be a holiday with an excuse for women to dress like hookers if JDate didn’t find a hook to self-promote. So they’ve released this handy “guide” to a successful Halloween, which includes tips about the most popular costumes (men enjoy the French Maid, and women the policeman) and how not to become a ghoul (don’t drink too much). And they’ve also announced a series of ‘Jewdunnit’ murder mystery dinner parties uniquely scripted for JDate members.
Of course, my posting about this blatant attempt to self-promote is itself an illustration that the PR strategy worked. It’s very meta. And very frustrating. But the upside? A hechsher to dress like a ho, if only for one night.
“Gossip on the Internet”–Ideas Cafe with Esther
018 years
What is gossip? Is blogging gossip? Is discussion of celebrity weirdness gossip? What are gossip’s defining qualities?
OK, I admit that there’s a substantial element of self-promotion to this post. This Tuesday night, I’m facilitating “Gossip on the Internet: A Sin or Just a Sign of the Times?” at the Ideas Cafe at the Skirball Center on the Upper East Side. (It’s $10–which is a bargain itself, considering it gets you the content of the event itself plus wine, coffee and cheese/snacks, but if you email me, I’ll get you comped. See “Plus, for you, a bargain” below.)
It’s not directly related to dating. (For that Ideas Cafe, just wait for November’s session.) But seriously, folks–you’re actively engaged in blogculture, perhaps even reading Gawker, Defamer and other self-described gossip blogs. You regularly participate in our critical discussions of various topics, sometimes even attacking the opinions of others (because attacks on others themselves would never happen here)–at some point, does that cross over into the realm of gossip? And is gossip only gossip if it’s about people who are good? What if we said that Hitler’s mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries? Would that be gossip? And does it matter whether or not it’s true?
If you’re in NYC and are free, come on by to the Ideas Cafe (more detailed info–including a SPECIAL OFFER–below). But if you’re not, feel free to discuss here.
A descriptive paragraph to entice you: Our sense of right and wrong tells us gossip – however pervasive – is wrong, but restraint is hard. In the age of the Internet it’s next to impossible. With the most powerful, ever-expanding grapevine in human history at our keyboarded fingertips, gossip is both easier and more viral. Anonymity removes accountability. But where is the blurry line between the useful and the malicious? How do we decide what’s true and what’s hearsay, what’s harmless and what’s slander? What ethics apply? And should celebrities, who choose to live in the public eye, be treated differently from the rest of us? Join us to discuss these and other questions at Ideas Café, a Tuesday evening salon in a Jewish environment open to all voices.
Plus, for you a bargain: There’s a $10 entrance fee–cheap considering it includes wine, coffee, cheese and other snacks–but which you can have waived by being on the magic list. To be on the magic list, email me by Tuesday morning, and your entrance will amazingly be comped! Ta-da!
WHAT Ideas Café – a weekly salon for open discussions of issues of the day – will consider the guilty pleasure of “Gossip on the Internet†and explore whether it’s a “sin†or just a sign of the times – and what rules and ethics should apply.
WHEN 8 p.m. Tuesday, October 24, 2006
WHERE Skirball Center for Adult Jewish Learning. Enter at 10 East 66th Street (Nearest subway stop: #6, East 68th St.)
COST $10 at the door ($5 for Skirball Center students).
NOTE For information and weekly topics visit www.ideascafe.org or call (212) 507-9580. The Skirball Center for Adult Jewish Learning – a unique New York City educational facility in its fifth year – offers a wide range of programs and courses exploring what it means to be a human being and Jewish in the 21st century.
Corante Call to Action
218 years
Over at Corante, Dave Evans provides us all–daters and dating service providers–with a call to action that’s well worth the read. He calls it a rant, I say he’s right on the money, quite literally, as he anticipates the day that “dating and social networking sites begin to respect their members and cater to their deeper, more evolved needs,” instead of their current default, which is to “think singles are sheep with credit cards tattooed on their foreheads.” Right on, Dave…
I end this post with his inspiring challenge to us all:
If you work in the dating industry, go brainstorm something useful and cool for your site, create a new ad campaign, market to a new niche or tweak your search algorithm or find a new way to entice people to sign up for your site. Do something extraordinary that differentiates you from the competition.
If you’re single, go outside and do something outside your comfort zone. Talk to a stranger that catches your eye, strike up a conversation with new people, they are often more likely to connect you with someone than your friends.
Make it a Rosh Hashanah (New Year’s) Resolution. Do something different. What will you do?
Why Marry Jewish?
1518 years
No, seriously? In today’s world, does it really matter? Isn’t love the most important thing? Why do people decide it’s important–or, as may be the case, not important–to marry within the tribe?
This week’s Modern Love column in the NY Times (hat tip to EV at Jewschool) examines one woman’s search for the answer to this question–but it also raises some interesting questions about how people connect to Jewish life, and how that point of connection can impact their decisions in relationships.
For instance, take Harry Goldenblatt, from “Sex and the City.” Yes, Esther’s well aware that “Sex and the City” isn’t real. (Believe me, she’s all TOO aware.) While he was more than willing to engage in a relationship with Charlotte, he said he wouldn’t marry her because he had promised his grandmother that he’d marry a Jew. Not because it would be difficult for him to observe a Jewish life with a non-Jewish woman. Not because he wanted to make sure his kids were raised Jewish. But because of the Holocaust. Over the course of the relationship, as things get more serious, Charlotte becomes more interested in Judaism than Harry is, and consequently pursues conversion, so she can become the Jewish wife he wants. But Harry’s point of connection is still the Holocaust, and a promise made to a family member. For some people, that’s a powerful enough connector. But with a little bit of education about Jewish life, perhaps at an early age within a meaningful, familial context, and the promise to marry a Jewish spouse might have been more resonant.
Similarly, the author of this Modern Love piece had little in the way of Jewish background that compelled her to understand why it might be important to her to marry a Jew. She consequently fell for non-Jews rather consistently, by the end of the history recounted in the piece (spoilers here, such as they are) marrying one and having his baby.
What do I think? I don’t think it’s up to me to tell people that they need to marry Jews. For me, it’s more comfortable, because I want a Jewish home, a common language, a shared understanding of how to live a Jewish life. For others, it may not be important–perhaps because of upbringing, or education, or personality, but perhaps undefinably so. I try not to judge.
As I said in my comment on that post, “To say that the author doesn’t understand the essence of Judaism would imply that there’s someone out there who can definitively distill that essence down to a soundbyte, which I’m not sure is possible. Obviously, I speak from a point of privilege, having benefited from (too much?) Jewish education. But each person I’ve met who’s tried to define Judaism for themselves connects differently–for some it’s Shabbat, for others it’s tikkun olam, for still others it’s the Holocaust. Some of those points of connection are certainly more solid than others. But to an extent, the solidity and resonance of a connection point depends on the seeker. Perhaps the essence of Judaism is questioning, and never feeling like you’ve found THE answer.”
Given that even in the twenty minutes since I made that comment, there’s already dissent. But that’s healthy. In fact, it’s Jewish. So let the questioning continue…
“You Had Me at Shalom”–Single? Move to Israel
918 years
Apparently, singles sick of looking for Jewish partners in other countries are on the move to Israel, according to an article in Ha’aretz…
The number of young, unmarried North American Jews immigrating to Israel has increased dramatically in the past few years, with a leap of 40 percent projected for 2006 as compared to last year’s figures. In 2004, some 350 North American singles immigrated here (out of a total 2,600 olim from the U.S. and Canada). The number of single North Americans rose to 450 last year (out of a total of 3,000 olim), and for 2006, the forecast is 625 singles by year’s end (with a total of 3,000-plus expected).
If you’re looking for olim from countries other than North America and the U.K–which accounts for 126 singles last year and 140 by the end of 2006–the numbers aren’t as good, as the article reports that single olim from other countries appears to be decreasing slightly.
According to statistics provided by the Jewish Agency […] Thirty-seven Jewish singles immigrated from Australia this year, compared to 41 the year before. Similarly, 36 Jewish singles immigrated from South Africa, compared to 48 the year before. Still, the influx of young Americans has expanded the Anglo singles scene in both Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, its two major bases. “I do get the feeling that the singles scene is getting bigger,” London-born Nadia Levene, who organized a Jerusalem singles party over Simhat Torah that attracted over 400 people.
Of course, no one is saying that moving to Israel means you’ll immediately meet someone. Lord knows there are enough single people in Israel who remain single and frustrated by it, despite the other miracles that might be available in the Holy Land…
But still, for those of us who are single and searching for a nice Jewish boy or girl, this article represents additional kosher food for thought.