Group therapy in a blog.
Esther Kustanowitz
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Posts by Esther Kustanowitz
The Kid Who May Put Me Out of Business
316 years
There comes a time in every dating columnist’s life when she must acknowledge that her time is past and that a new generation has risen. You just always expect that the new generation wouldn’t be quite so new.
Perhaps, now that I’m going into a third year of working on a book proposal, and a nine-year-old has managed to take time out of his busy schedule to write a book on how to talk to girls, that time is now.
Barely-a-middle-schooler Alec Greven has penned a reference book for how to talk to girls, and includes sage advice like “beware of pretty girls” and to go for regular girls because “pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”
He advises, “The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don’t let them get to you.”
If the article is to be believed, the writer took the kid to a bar for Shirley Temples. Priceless.
Everything’s Better as a Musical
016 years
Might Prop 8 have gone to the “no” voters had this video come out before the election? Perhaps. But it’s proof positive of one thing. Everything is better as a musical.
See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die
Divergence
116 years
After years of enmeshment, our lives diverged,
as if in poetic woods
and silently, we parallel parted.
I thought there’d be closure, but there was no treaty signed —
just the slow vanishing
into separate horizons.
At unexpected intervals, the unbidden returns
to haunt the empty mansion, spook my creativity
and whistle at me — half-encouragement / half-mockery.
The visitation echoes
longer than it actually lasts
and in those ripples, expectation and desire
still beckon Picasso-like
all angles, fluid borders, and jagged edges.
Those edges create shadows, where irritants
lodge as immigrants, vagrants seeking shelter.
Now there are other things there.
With repeated revisiting, I fade-float
into the vision, grasping at the asymmetry
that most resembles reality.
Gone Prospectin’
116 years
So I haven’t written in a while. But there’s a good reason. After more than a decade in New York, I’ve moved West, to a state as predictable as the sunshine and as volatile as the earthquakes that it experiences. Like those who sought the gold rush in them thar hills of California, I’m prospecting.
There will be more posts, but I’ve been trying to reestablish a home base, a source of stability to draw on in the life that I intentionally uprooted and relocated. Here’s hoping that these intervening weeks have proven stimulating to you, on and offline. Looking forward to seeing you back here for regular singles-related discussion over the next few months…
Stay tuned for refrigerator poetry. Seriously.
Obama Has Solid Lead…On Facebook
016 years
When it comes to predicting election results, you probably look to exit polls, or to any of the major TV networks, or to your favorite online method of reportage. You can also look to Twitter. But if you’re a social media-connected person, perhaps there’s somewhere else you should be looking — on Facebook.
You may have noticed people “donating their Facebook status” in support of a particular candidate or in general, on behalf of the concept of voting, and therefore, democracy. (I haven’t done an exhaustive count of my 1650 Facebook friends, but the majority seem to be supporting Obama. Not a shocking development, I know.)
“But Esther, why are you telling us this here? Isn’t this a dating-related blog?”
Yes, of course. All will be clear imminently. In the next sentence, actually.
In honor of the election, SpeedDate.com made available ten free virtual gifts related to politics, half related to Obama, the other half to McCain. SpeedDate reported this morning, that tens of thousands of gifts were sent by SpeedDate’s Facebook application’s users over the past couple days, with some interesting results:
* Obama/Dem gifts were sent 51% of the time versus only 9% for McCain/Republican gifts
* The most sent gift was the ‘Vote Obama’ button with 24% of gifts sent (it even beat our default ‘vote’ gift)
* The least sent gift was the elephant that represents the Republican party with only 1%
For more on the breakdown, check out the SpeedDate blog.
Refrigerator Poetry
016 years
The following is refrigerator poetry from the apartment I left behind. I mean, I didn’t leave the poetry behind, just the apartment: I copied down the poem before I dismantled it, word-by-word, and threw it into a Ziploc bag with its verbal brethren. Enjoy.
The manic midtown neon
Was like a modern concert star
From the airport hotel
I hailed you like a cab
The taxi rushes down Park
We let the view be the architecture
Return that expensive avenue you have
And scrape West to a Harlem restaurant
Go hurry and find celebrity love crushes
But wonder who
Watch walk do
Leave sordid Staten Island
And come over after a bagel
Overwhelm our famous village theater
You SoHo dream
A gorgeous drunk skyline
An ugly noise boutique empire assaults jazz and music
Stop, my big porno pretzel
I visit light and him.
Why Men Think Women Are Crazy
1116 years
Look, everyone has the potential to get a little bit crazy about dating habits and preferences. But this article in New York Magazine – whether or not it’s true — is one of the reasons why men think women are bats*&it insane.
An excerpt, for entertainment purposes only.
-PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men
-no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas
-no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys
-musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip [sic], Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins
-name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack)
Sounds like a joke to me, especially as you get into the “certification” requirements and other pieces of insanity. If you must, read the whole thing here.
‘Modern Love': Having Your Own Cyberstalker
116 years
Amy Klein (who now writes the illustrated column “True Confessions of an Online Dating Addict“) was an editor at Los Angeles’ Jewish Journal when her stalker announced himself on his blog. From then on, she could rely on (and sometimes fear) his attentions. And, as she admits in this most recent “Modern Love” column, she found it “oddly flattering.”
When you’re a journalist, cataloging the words and actions of others, you believe you are granted a writer’s type of diplomatic immunity — inured to being written about, reported on and critiqued yourself. Well, that’s how it used to be, before the Internet.
As Amy discovered, the internet changed the rules, and some bloggers don’t believe that even these new rules should exist. For bloggers who run on attention, giving them any credence fuels them:
I wasn’t familiar with the ethics of blogging (or lack thereof) in terms of what someone can write about you — without fact-checking or sourcing or the other protections that journalists have in place. It was exasperating to have these random claims and judgments about me out there for anyone to read. But complaining about it, as I discovered, only gave him more material:
“About 10 p.m., I was wandering around when I saw the young female managing editor of The Jewish Journal, Amy Klein, dressed as a black cat. I waved at her and she waved a reproving finger back: ‘Don’t write about me on your blog!’ she reprimanded. Rabbi Wolpe then walked by. Amy said to him, while pointing at me, ‘This man is dangerous. He has this blog where he writes about people.’ â€
Writers want to know that we’re reaching people, that the random letters we string together will form a bridge between us and others, enabling us to connect better with people who are actively part of our present and who may be part of our future. Attention is flattering, but there’s a line of comfort that’s different for everyone. In person, when someone crosses a line, you say no, and that should be respected.
It’s been said that a person’s individual blog provides a space where that person can do whatever she or he wants–this is often articulated as “my blog: my rules.” When there’s this kind of feeling of anonymity/immunity in effect 24/7, why should you guard your tongue? Why shouldn’t you be “real,” or totally unfiltered? Why not say what you mean, when you mean it, and to hell with the world and its rules?
How to Know If You’re Boring Someone
116 years
And now, a public service for the dating community. Thanks to the Happiness Project, we’ve got some hints as to how to know if you’re not connecting with your audience. “Are you boring?”
1. Repeated, perfunctory responses. A person who says, “Oh really? Oh really? That’s interesting. Oh really?†is probably not too engaged.
2. Simple questions. People who are bored ask simple questions. “When did you move?†“Where did you go?†People who are interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere politeness.
There are others, and obviously, if your audience has jetlag, these kinds of cues can get thrown off a bit. But generally, this kind of list helps not just to designate what kind of talker you should be, but to identify what kind of listener you are. So check out the rest of the list and see where you fit in…
How to Succeed? Be a SSotM!
016 years
“Jewish Indiana Jones” Josh Bernstein’s been gaining visibility lately, with a loyal female fan base and this gushing piece in New York Magazine (see CK’s post at Jewlicious). Meanwhile, over in professional dating industry professional land, author and relationships coach Evan Marc Katz recently got engaged.
What’s the connection? Clearly Single Semites of the Month, once identified by JDatersAnonymous, are destined for eventual stardom. Josh Bernstein initiated the category in February 2006, and then went on to be featured in the NY Times before getting to NY Magazine recently. As for Evan, the author of two books on dating now, was a Single Semite of the Month back in April 2007, and recently announced his engagement.
So…not a guarantee, but there’s a high incidence of good things happening for SSotMs. Have one to recommend? See the guidelines here.