Group therapy in a blog.
Relationships
What the World Needs This Valentine’s Day Is….JDateTV?
316 years
JDate‘s launching their new reality web series about JDaters starting February 14th. Tune in to meet some of JDate’s finest, like “Guy Who Prefers Brunettes But Would Also Be Game For Redheads,” “Woman in Love Who Sits on Couch With Boyfriend and Smiles,” and “Woman in Bathtub.”
The Kid Who May Put Me Out of Business
316 years
There comes a time in every dating columnist’s life when she must acknowledge that her time is past and that a new generation has risen. You just always expect that the new generation wouldn’t be quite so new.
Perhaps, now that I’m going into a third year of working on a book proposal, and a nine-year-old has managed to take time out of his busy schedule to write a book on how to talk to girls, that time is now.
Barely-a-middle-schooler Alec Greven has penned a reference book for how to talk to girls, and includes sage advice like “beware of pretty girls” and to go for regular girls because “pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”
He advises, “The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don’t let them get to you.”
If the article is to be believed, the writer took the kid to a bar for Shirley Temples. Priceless.
Everything’s Better as a Musical
016 years
Might Prop 8 have gone to the “no” voters had this video come out before the election? Perhaps. But it’s proof positive of one thing. Everything is better as a musical.
See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die
Divergence
116 years
After years of enmeshment, our lives diverged,
as if in poetic woods
and silently, we parallel parted.
I thought there’d be closure, but there was no treaty signed —
just the slow vanishing
into separate horizons.
At unexpected intervals, the unbidden returns
to haunt the empty mansion, spook my creativity
and whistle at me — half-encouragement / half-mockery.
The visitation echoes
longer than it actually lasts
and in those ripples, expectation and desire
still beckon Picasso-like
all angles, fluid borders, and jagged edges.
Those edges create shadows, where irritants
lodge as immigrants, vagrants seeking shelter.
Now there are other things there.
With repeated revisiting, I fade-float
into the vision, grasping at the asymmetry
that most resembles reality.
‘Modern Love': Having Your Own Cyberstalker
116 years
Amy Klein (who now writes the illustrated column “True Confessions of an Online Dating Addict“) was an editor at Los Angeles’ Jewish Journal when her stalker announced himself on his blog. From then on, she could rely on (and sometimes fear) his attentions. And, as she admits in this most recent “Modern Love” column, she found it “oddly flattering.”
When you’re a journalist, cataloging the words and actions of others, you believe you are granted a writer’s type of diplomatic immunity — inured to being written about, reported on and critiqued yourself. Well, that’s how it used to be, before the Internet.
As Amy discovered, the internet changed the rules, and some bloggers don’t believe that even these new rules should exist. For bloggers who run on attention, giving them any credence fuels them:
I wasn’t familiar with the ethics of blogging (or lack thereof) in terms of what someone can write about you — without fact-checking or sourcing or the other protections that journalists have in place. It was exasperating to have these random claims and judgments about me out there for anyone to read. But complaining about it, as I discovered, only gave him more material:
“About 10 p.m., I was wandering around when I saw the young female managing editor of The Jewish Journal, Amy Klein, dressed as a black cat. I waved at her and she waved a reproving finger back: ‘Don’t write about me on your blog!’ she reprimanded. Rabbi Wolpe then walked by. Amy said to him, while pointing at me, ‘This man is dangerous. He has this blog where he writes about people.’ â€
Writers want to know that we’re reaching people, that the random letters we string together will form a bridge between us and others, enabling us to connect better with people who are actively part of our present and who may be part of our future. Attention is flattering, but there’s a line of comfort that’s different for everyone. In person, when someone crosses a line, you say no, and that should be respected.
It’s been said that a person’s individual blog provides a space where that person can do whatever she or he wants–this is often articulated as “my blog: my rules.” When there’s this kind of feeling of anonymity/immunity in effect 24/7, why should you guard your tongue? Why shouldn’t you be “real,” or totally unfiltered? Why not say what you mean, when you mean it, and to hell with the world and its rules?
How to Solve the Singles Crisis, Part 2: “Date and Marry Out”/”No, DON’T!!!”
1017 years
A few weeks ago, someone wrote a singles column that reverberated coast to coast. And it wasn’t me. (Here endeth the jealousy and continueth the discussion.) Over at the Jewish Journal, Rob Eshman wrote about the fact that he knows “too many beautiful, brilliant single Jewish women in their 30s and 40s.”
I hear too many stories about the lack of available Jewish men, the first dates who are too lost or too pathetic, the fights over marriage and children that end the relationship and send the woman, now a bit older, diving back into the ever more shallow pool. But I don’t blame these women, of course not. I blame rabbis.
Rob suggests that rabbis need to lift the restriction on dating and marrying non-Jews, so that the Jewish women facing their 40s can go ahead and have children if they want to, without the stigma of having “married out.”
And if you thought the column was incendiary stuff, check out the letters to the editor that came the next week.
Gentile women don’t seem to find a shortage of Jewish men, one person notes. Although a statement like that–and a conversation with a friend who converted to marry a girlfriend of mine, in which he revealed that his conversion class was more than 90 percent female–makes me wonder if its the other way around.
There’s a lot of anger out there. And it’s damaging us all, maybe to the point of no return, whatever that is. But with a sentiment like that from a Jewish male, boiling down all his dating problems to the women who were “holding out for an Adonis with a heavy wallet,” I have to admit, I’m fighting an urge not to look at him and generalize him as the problem. What’s helping me is the fact that this person has no name. Well, I suppose he does, but here, it’s “Name Withheld By Request,” a common name for people responding to this column. No one wants to go on record about this stuff, and I don’t blame them. I really wonder sometimes what JDaters Anonymous or my column would look like if it were totally anonymous–with the fetters of self-identification removed, might I fall into the same sharp language, the same accusatory tones? I could choose to believe that I’d be a better person than that, but I know I’d be lying to myself.
The question of who’s to blame is not a productive one. What we all need to be is kinder, more open-minded, when regarding the people around us and that familiar-looking stranger in the mirror.
To read How to Solve the Singles Crisis, Part 1, click here.
How to Solve the Singles Crisis, Part 1: YU Connect-2
417 years
As some of you likely know, the Orthodox movement has proclaimed a singles crisis (or, as some might say, a “catastrophe”) in the Jewish community. This all stems from the fact that even in the Orthodox movement, many singles are marrying later, or not at all, resulting in a drop in the number of Jewish births expected based on prior estimates.
Enter the Center for the Jewish Future. I mean, it’s right there in the title–they’re about making sure that there’s a Jewish future and that it’s centered. (Or something like that.) Anyway, according to the YU Observer, the school is entering the “we can fix the singles crisis” game with a new organization called YU Connect-2, which will employ a two-pronged approach to enable interested singles to meet prospective spouses. Social workers, rabbis and peers will all be involved in the new venture, which was created with a team that included mental health professionals/dating advisers, rabbis, and dating mentors.
The first venue for interaction will be a variety of singles events. “These are not just random singles events, but they’re really going to be to reach out to all constituencies of the YU community,†confirmed Rabbi Brander. The activities include more structured settings, such as shiurim given by YU Roshei Yeshiva, as well as more relaxed activities such as bowling or miniature golf. “There will be a plethora of different activities,†Rabbi [Kenneth] Brander added. […]
The CJF has spent the past few months training approximately 30 dating mentors: young, married men and women who will organize programming and meet with singles one-on-one […] As part of YU Connect-2’s effort to appeal to different facets of the greater YU population, the dating mentors were chosen from various neighborhoods in the NY region, including the Five Towns, the Upper West Side, and Queens. The goal is to have different types of mentors who will be best suited to meet the needs of the religiously diverse YU community.
But it’s not like today’s YU students have no idea that marriage and procreations are on the general (and specifically, the community’s) agenda for today’s young Jews. As student Revital Avisar (SCW ’08) noted in the Observer article, “YU in general is by definition Jewish Orthodox and obviously they base their curriculum and their overall activities on Jewish attributes and ideals,†she said. “One of those ideals is starting a family. I think it’s been implied and emphasized; it’s already so overwhelming. The environment that we’re in is already enough.â€Â
Sounds like the pressure is on, for everyone. And YU is at least admitting that the attempt is an initiative in process, so they don’t expect to get it right immediately. But they’re trying, which is something. My concern is the pressure noted by the above student, and likely felt by many others. That, and the reinvention of the wheel–how many other dating opportunities do religious Jews in NYC have? Many, many, many. The challenge will be making “this dating service different from all other dating services,” especially at a university where students already know what’s expected of them, and despite that fact (or maybe because of it??) are still marrying later.
Stay tuned for other posts in what is sure to be an ongoing series.
“Find His Wife, Please” and Summer Romances: New Columns Online
217 years
Everyone loves a summer romance; until they’re over. (Insert Debbie Downer’s “wah-waaaaah.”)
In tribute to my summer romance with Jewish innovation (I know…sounds totally hot, right?), I present this latest column, whose name — picked by my editor, apparently — is so bad that I’m not even putting it here. Just click and read.
And if you missed the column before that, click here for “Find His Wife, Please,” a column about standup single comic David Kilimnick, who I am officially declaring July’s Single Semite of the Month. Check out his website at israelcomedy.com, and tell him I sent you.
Hung Up on “Knocked Up”
917 years
[Thanks for your patience, all. I’ve been across the Atlantic twice, and back once. I’m now in Israel again and overworked as usual. But finally, here’s a new post…]
I can’t get “Knocked Up” out of my head. Not just because it was a hilarious movie, which it was, or because it was the brainchild of the previously over-aforementioned Judd Apatow. And not even because it contained this gem of a clip that seemed so random and so on-point at the same time in its absurd level of Jewish pride in the movie “Munich.”
I just can’t stop thinking about the plot. Funny Seth Rogen–who was working on a career as the Solid Stoner King of Sidekickland– lands beautiful Katharine Heigl. When beauty meets hilarious person, it always seems to be a gorgeous girl and a schlubby guy. Or alternately, a gorgeous girl who wears glasses and a ponytail and at the end of the movie takes down her hair, and gets contact lenses, and is suddenly beautiful, and a gorgeous guy… Heigl’s character comes to appreciate Rogen’s character for his loyalty, his devotion, his humor, and his good nature. I’m a fan of the message–get to know someone before you judge them and you might discover something unexpected. But here’s the thing: I’m worried about the backlash.
Newsweek called Rogen’s ilk (fellow members of the “non-matinee idol” type, or as I like to call it, the “Schlub Club,” the “Beta Male“–and I admit, when it comes to this “Alpha Beta” scale, I’m a beta female. But is there a danger that my potential beta male companions will go searching for alpha females? And if so, where do the “beta-ettes” go? To the gammas? Deltas?
To clarify, this does not stop me from loving this movie. I will have to see it again…
What Leslie Mann Can Teach Us
818 years
Who? Leslie Mann, who has been in such movies as Big Daddy, The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and the upcoming Knocked Up (with suspectedly single, suspectedly Semitic Seth Rogen).
Mann’s married, and Mann’s man is writer, producer, etc Judd Apatow. But was it love at first sight? Not exactly. Here’s an excerpt from a great interview on ABC.com:
A recurring theme in Apatow’s work is of a geeky guy getting a girl whom he normally wouldn’t be able to get.
“It’s a nerd fantasy,” explained Apatow. “That’s the bad thing about doing a lot of work. Slowly the seams begin to show. … You realize it’s all one idea: pretty ladies like goofy guys. It’s just a fantasy. … But I think that a lot of it comes from the fact that on some level it’s really about wanting people to recognize you for who you are, or take the time to get to know you.”
Actress Leslie Mann, who had a memorable if brief role in “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” as “the drunk girl,” has a larger, meatier role in “Knocked Up” as Heigl’s married sister. In real life, she’s married to Apatow, and admits that his recurring theme might have some basis in reality.
“I remember driving in the car with him,” she said, “looking over at him, thinking, ‘This is the kind of guy I should be with. I would never be with him, but this is the kind of guy I should be with.’ And then somehow, we went out again, and he kissed me, and then it was all good after that.”
What I’m hearing? Second chances are good.