Hiatus to End Imminently: Plus, a Question to Keep You Interested
Thanks to all of you who kept checking in here, hoping for new content, finding none, and managing to–in the prolonged interim–check back with some other posts and revisit them. There was a technical glitch or twelve, beginning with erratic internet access and progressing to an issue regarding a lost password. But now it’s all ok. And I’m headed back to NYC, where blogging will re-begin in earnest.
In the interim, I feel that perhaps we need to visit the question of a “dating code” among friends. For instance, it’s been said that “bros” come before “hos.” (Or “sistas” before “mistas.”) So essentially, if your mate likes someone and “calls dibs first,” you back off. This presupposes that the “target” in question would be equally open to both you and your mate, which is not–in most cases–necessarily the case.
Let’s take a hypothetical situation. Consider a tale of three parties: the “target”/object of affection and conflict; the first party, who “discovered” the “target”; and the second party, whose main interest is in maintaining a friendship with the first party, independent of romantic entanglements.
What if the “target” expresses a clear interest for the second party, while the second party might care less and the first party is totally smitten. Does it matter who saw the target first or claimed dibs, if there’s only a real possibility with one person? And should the first and second party agree that their friendship is primary, to the exclusion of all would-be interlopers? And if the first party, acknowledging the “target’s” lack of interest, gives the second party the “all clear,” should the second party employ an above-and-beyond layer of sensitivity and opt out, despite the first party’s AOK?
And does New Year’s Eve ever play a variable?
Don’t pull a muscle discussing this–remember, you’re a little out of shape when it comes to this blog, so re-enter the discussion carefully… see you soon!
Plus, if you want to see photos from the trip, check over at MyUrbanKvetch.com and at my Flickr account.
Let me get this straight, #1 crushes on Target, Target crushes on #2, #2 does not care either way about Target? Who is the “real possibility” with again? Maybe Target might really like #1 if Target took the time….maybe #2 might really like Target if #2 took the time…
I agree with the whole sisters before misters rule, but I also know that you can’t make someone like you. If there is no bond beyond “discovery” already forged with Target, then I think the rule does not apply. I thought the sister/mister rule only applied when (1) one finds oneself attracted to a friend’s ex; (2) one finds oneself attracted to a friend’s current. I don’t mean to be callous – I swear I have tons of faithful female friends, one of whom is married to a man that was “called” first by someone else but he only had eyes for my friend. Everyone is still friends, and there was a humorous toast about it at the wedding.
Esther, I miss you.
Lubes, don’tcha worrry. I’m on my way back…
And yes, that was the theoretical scenario in question. Target has made it clear he’s (or she’s!!) not into #1, constantly asking about #2, much to #1’s chagrin. Theoretically, of course.
Glad you are on your way back and hope that you are feeling better!
Men do not have friends when it comes to dating. There are no rules, watch your back for knives.
Whew I’m dizzy. I will say that it is rare for my friends and I to have the same interest in one guy. Hypotheticaly I don’t believe in competing for a guys attention either they are interested in you or not. So I would relent and let the girl friend go for it.
I actually was in a situation like this, sort of. In your example, it seems the friend whom Target likes…doesn’t like Target back, no? In that case, why cause any trouble between friends? Forget Target.
But if one friend really likes a target, even though another friend “saw him first,” then there are lots of variables to consider, and it’s up to the friends to come to some sort of agreement between them–an honest one that preserves friendship while allowing one of the friends, not both, to pursue the guy.
In my case, I started to like a guy in college whom my college best friend already had a mild crush on (I met him after she already liked him). I told my friend I really liked this guy, but I wouldn’t dream of crushing on him if she really liked him. My friend immediately said–“you should go for him.” Knowing her as I did, I knew she meant it. The guy in question could have easily liked her back–she was great! But once allowed to pursue, I did, and the crush and I wound up dating. AND my best friend wound up dating HIS best friend! Both our relationships ended in DISASTER (hers more than mine), but…um…long story to tell that between real friends, there shouldn’t necessarily be rules as much as there should be true, honest communication and consideration of both parties’ feelings.
Welcome almost home!
The only time you’re allowed to call ‘dibs’ on a target is when birding or shooting clays. (This for obvious very Cheney like reasons). Other than that they’ll just have to learn how to be adults, right? CJ got to it in the end though. Cheers & Welcome home! ‘VJ’
If boy likes girl and girl likes boy back, third party should remove themselves from the situation and hope for the best outcome amoung 2 people who like each other. Unrequited Person needs to get over it. If it’s a situation where A likes B, B likes C and C likes A but none of those in the opposite direction, It’s fair game all around. Though I agree with Ro- If someone ain’t interested right off, they may not be worth the effort…. though that theory has been proven wrong many times… just not in my experience.
Yeah, I agree pretty strongly that there’s no such thing as “dibs”. I would never stand in the way of a friend who likes a girl if she likes him back… and I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who would expect me to do that for them.
For what it’s worth, “bros before ho’s” can also have a different meaning – it’s not just about calling dibs on someone you both like, it can also be about siding with a friend or being there for them over a girlfriend. After all, girlfriends come and go, but friends tend to have much stronger staying power.
Okay, I have been in this siuation twice. First time, two best friends were interested in me. I dated one, but later became intersted in the 2nd which led me to end the relationship with the first. I disclosed said feelings to girl #2, and girl #2 had mutual feelings and didnt ask girl #1 (with whom I had broken up, but still had feelings for me) and started things with me. The two girls had a huge fight and no longer talk to this day. My relationship with #2 ended some time later. Thus, two best friends broke up their friendship for a guy with nothing gained.
Second time, my good friend had feelings for a girl. Nothing ever transpired. I later met said girl and my friend said to go for it. After we started dating, my friend was consumed with hurt (as he still had feelings despite his a-ok) and our friendship ended. Girl and I subsequently broke up. Again, two friends ended a friendship over a woman with nothin gained.
HOWEVER, I have a close female friend who met a guy that had previously dated her good friend. The good friend gave her a-ok, and my friend and the guy hit it off. Despite the a-ok, her friend still harbored feelings for the guy and the friendship consequently ended. But, my friend ended up marrying the guy. So, although two friends ended the friendship over the guy, in this situation somethhing was gained (a marriage).
Point is usually it ends up badly and friendships usually dont survive. Its not weakness, it just is a fact of life. So, taking Esther’s hypothetical, if friend #1 crushes on Target, but Target likes #2 and not #1, then #2 should stay away from Target if friendship means anything. Only if #2 mutually has feelings for Target should #2 even consider it.
This exact situation happened to my brother (the target)…. a girl invited him on a group outing where she hoped love would flourish. It did, but not with her. Instead he met one of her best friends. They dated. There was much drama. The fact is that he was never interested in the first girl and there would never have been anything regardless of whether he met girl #2. Now, 12 years later, my brother and girl #2 are happily married with 2 kids and living in the burbs. Think of my sis-in-law would have missed out on if she’d shunned my brother to save her friend’s pride.
PS – Girl #1 is now married and they all are still friends.