Group therapy in a blog.
V-Day Discussion: “Checkbox Commitment,” Kiss and Tell, and Privacy
Don’t you love Valentine’s Day?
In response to last week’s Jewish Week column, “Checkbox Commitment,” I received this lovely letter from someone I’m rebranding as “a fan.”
Maybe another reason that so many of you folks are single in your 30s is your compulsion to discuss the intimate details of your relationships with your friends and your relatives. On more than one occasion, a girl did that to me and that usually sent me running the other way. It still angers me, why does what happen on a date become fodder for a discussion between a woman and her friends.
I met my wife via a personal ad in [location deleted]. To this day our friends know that, our families think we met via a mutual friend. I may be old-school, but I am not ancient.
I occasionally would be chided for keeping my private relationships private. I would simply reply that a gentleman does not kiss and tell and neither does a lady. Perhaps your crowd should follow that axiom. You may have a bit less to talk about, but maybe you’d screw up less relationships.
It’s the use of the term “screw up” that shows he really cares. But seriously, I don’t necessarily think he’s all wrong. As I wrote in my response to him, the communication in the relationship, especially starting out, is often so uncertain and confusing–and in some cases demoralizing–that the only way to survive is to ask friends for advice. But I do think that sometimes people take the private into the public too often.
What do you think?
he is right. This is the smartest thing i have ever seen you post.
I have a female relative, that was single into her early 30’s. Every few weeks a new bf. she would discuss the matter w/ her parents. Finally they said, dai. we don’t want to hear any more about this boyfriend crap. These boys who won’t commit, etc.
Tell us when is the engagement party.
Next bf, whamo that was it.
I think there is such a thing as sharing too much personal info. Not everyone needs to know every single detail of my date or my life for that matter. People can definitely over annaylize things which could just make things worse.
I think the only time I would say something is if he was completely rude or did something confusing. Other than that if I was to be asked for all the details my response is either fine or it sucked.
I’ve actually often wondered about this. It’s one of those meta questions that’s just too large to contemplate alone in isolation, because it’s a generational issue as well. But this is what also really attracted me to my wife. She was overall a generally exceptionally discreet person. Not secretive, but just a very private person. Not actually all that quiet, but just keeps her own counsel more often than not, and always has. Her folks are like that too. Now there’s really no need for all this, I’m not swinging her from the ceiling in a leather harness feeding her grapes while doing such & sundry. But it really does make a difference. Almost never have we had an argument about the ‘too much information’ being doled out to friends or family. It’s where we’re at, and why we are comfortable together and when we’re apart. I know that ‘my stuff’ is safe with her, and vise versa. I’m unlikely to be embarrassed by my wife. She can probably not say the same, (hey, I’m a guy), but not for the reason that I’m given to saying things about her that I know better not to.
I say it’s one of the central conceits of youth that sharing such deeply personal information is generally a ‘good thing’ when in a relationship. Sure it can be entertaining on a blog when single, but most folks really come to understand the value and inherent dangers of ‘sharing too much information’.
Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Off topic…has anybody ever used the video chat on Jdate WITHOUT being asked to show the good stuff?
If so, how do you feel after you’ve shown some and he logs off?
Well, this event will keep me on my diet for sure! All I have to do is focus on that feeling every time I want to eat and bam… not hungry.
7 months to my 25th High School reunion and I will fit back into my danceteam uniform by then if I have to have every man on Jdate turn off my video show until I’m 105 lbs. again.
TMI re: dating ain’t good. feel free to say i’m seeing someone and that is that. that fucking evil eye is in full effect
I think people should go back in time, imagine the Jdaters does not exist.
What did/would you do?
People used to join courses or social activities, sports teams, bowling. Yes these things still exist, but it seems to be a better way to meet people.
The internet has some inherent problems as is being reported here in the thread. People are able to do and say things online, that they would not do if in person, This can bring out the worst in people.
Otoh, one of the benefits of public boards w/ respect to mutual interests is that you can discuss a particular place that you love w/ like minded persons, and then arrange to meet over there.
Once you meet, who knows what might happen?
I can only reccomend to every one to try this abstinence from online socializing for the purpose of dating.
As to the original post, sharing too much can be a bad thing. It leads to overanalysis and focusing on details that are irrelevant and inane. Though, any guy who runs because his girlfriend is talking out her feelings and concerns with her friends/family too often is likely jumping the gun. But an inability to think things through on one’s own and rely too much on the counsel of others reflects a bit of insecurity in one’s own judgement, and that can be a turn-off. You feel like you are dating a high-schooler. Also, it reduces the intimacy in the relationship as your partner is supposed to be your best friend. If a woman runs to her girlfriends or family about every little thing it speaks volumes of where she places you in the hierarchy of her confidants. That, too, is a turn-off.
As to Chutzpah’s dilemma. Do not use video chat. (In fact, dont use the chat feature at all. From what I hear (from friends) the ones that chat are the ones who arent intersted in a serious relationship.) If I video chatted with my current partner, we wouldnt be together. She isnt my body type, and I would have dismissed her straight away. But I got to know her over email and then telephone, and because our personalities clicked, I overlooked the body issue. Now I wont deny that she still isnt my body type, and I am more physically attracted to plenty of women I see every day, but thats life. I know that when I am 60 years old, i will be more attracted to hot 25-year olds, but that wont detract from my love for her.
I agree with the sentiment expressed above by m2c. I really think the body image thing gets in the way of connecting with a real & true personality. Chutzpah’s issues of vid chats just under lines once again the image obsessed & saturated culture we swim in. There’s a secret Chutzpah, for most of humanity, the ‘good stuff’ is actually the face. So when someone asks for it, just move closer. You’ll do fine. You’ve got a Shayna punim! Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Good advice everyone. Thanks for the support VJ! New gym opening here in March and I’ll be able to bike again by April. Getting out in the cold is very hard and it’s when the lonliness to have someone to cuddle with is the strongest.
I’m looking forward to Reunion in Sept. Salmon have it right…going home to spawn is smart. People you grew up with have similiar values. I’m sure at least a few guys I didn’t date in High School will be single and still look decent after 25 years, but I’m not counting on it.
I’m betting you get lucky Chutzpah! Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
The whole privacy issue is a sticky one particularly as it relates to lashon hora. I know that I struggle with this issue and I’ve resolved to always use pseudonyms for the poeple I blog about. I don’t know if that is any good or not, but I know that I really need the feedback from outside sources just to keep myself sane. Who knows, maybe this blogging thing will come back to bite me, but so far it hasn’t been an issue.
I still say foreign travel is the way to go. Get out of this rut here in the USA . You know what they say to me every time I am abroad, relax. Don’t worry.
Is it that obvious? We are all to some extent affected by the frenzy pace of life in this USA.
Get over to a Euorpean country for a week or even just a long weekend.
Walk into cafes and meet locals, other foreigners and have a blast.
Who knows what might happpen?