Group therapy in a blog.
The Readers Sound Off, Part 1 of 47
It’s been a very full few years with the singles column, and I’ve received many an email/letter. The result is this week’s column, one of a likely series of 47 to explore some questions and comments from readers.
An excerpt for you:
Q: I know what’s wrong with single people. You’re living in a fantasy world.
A: Technically, sir, this is not a question. But there are certainly readers who “know what’s wrong with†singles in general, and suggest solutions. After I wrote about a mild winter depression, a reader sent news of a new treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder. After I wrote about a conflict with lighting Shabbat candles, someone wrote that the more a single person suffers, the more precious it is to God, and the more likely she is to encounter her bashert. As one woman wrote, “What I know for sure is that bitterness, whining, ‘WHY ME?’ kvetching, compare and despair, fear and singles-event anxiety, that energy is repellent and counterproductive. Change your thoughts and change your life!†(Well, if “The Secret†works for Oprah’s people, then maybe…)
And then there’s this guy: “So many of you folks are single in your 30s because of your compulsion to discuss the intimate details of your relationships with your friends and your relatives. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither does a lady. Perhaps your crowd should follow that axiom. You may have less to talk about, but maybe you’d screw up less relationships.â€Â
Communication in a relationship, especially at the beginning, is so uncertain that asking friends for advice is a survival tactic. Sometimes people do make the private a public affair too often  especially online  but even those of us who write singles columns often keep our dating behaviors and interactions private.
I think the guy might be right about how talking to friends can screw something up. Sometimes your friends tell you things that are wrong. I think it’s best to trust your own instincts and rational decision making processes, not what your friends think.
I was going out with a girl with whom I had a lot in common, but our conversations were superficial. On our third date I asked her about her previous relationships, she refused to give more than the broadest outlines of what her history was. She said she thought it was too early to talk about that kind of thing. I asked her if she had ever been in love, she said yes, but wouldn’t tell me anything about it. (I had not asked her anything about her sexual past) I accepted her reticence, but I did tell her that all the girls I had dated were totally comfortable talking about what had happened to them, often even before the first date.
When she told her friends what I had said about other girls talking about their past relationships, her friends said “who are these girls?”
Okay, she’s entitled to her secrets and opinions, but her friends gave her blatantly wrong information.