Group therapy in a blog.
Setting the Scene
Consider the following scene:
OPEN ON A COLLEGE BAR/FRATERNITY/DORM ROOM. TWO PEOPLE, A YOUNG MAN AND A YOUNG WOMAN, SIT TOGETHER, TALKING AND LAUGHING, OCCASIONALLY DRINKING. THERE’S A FUN, CASUAL, FLIRTY VIBE IN THE AIR, PALPABLE TO ALL. ALL BODY LANGUAGE POINTS TO ROMANTIC POTENTIAL.
YOUNG MAN:
So, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.
YOUNG WOMAN (hopeful):
Um, sure.
YOUNG MAN:
Well, we’ve been hanging out for a while now and I really like you.
YOUNG WOMAN (putting herself out there):
I really like you, too. I’m having fun. You’re great.
YOUNG MAN:
Thanks…I’m really glad to hear you say that. Because I have a question I wanted to ask…
YOUNG WOMAN (nervously gulps from beer in preparation, wonders if this might have been a bad idea because she now has beer breath):
OK. Ask.
YOUNG MAN:
Your roommate…is she single? And since you think I’m great, could you try to get her to go out with me?
AND END SCENE….
And then repeat like ten times. That’s what college looked like for me, and probably for others.
I’d love to hear from people who successfully navigated from the disappointment of rejection through to acceptance. How were you able to be happy for your friends with a full heart, even when your heart feels broken? Is the secret time? Space? An overwhelmingly altruistic and beatific streak? Faith in the universe or God or something else?
You know, this never bothered me much, but it sure happened a lot. Not with roommates mind you, (I’ve had few), but with pals & friends. And it took me awhile to figure out some standard responses to the situation. Granted I was 30 at the time and married, but this only screws up the story.
Possible Responses to the above scenario:
1.) ‘Sure, I’d love to make an introduction for you to them. But let me ask you a favor as well. You have to cough up/make the introduction for me to one of your ‘viable’ friends. You know the smart, kind, non crazy, good looking & hard working ones’. (For many guys this will stop them in their tracks. If they were deep thinkers, this would present one of those endless logical loop problems: they have 4-5 independent, mostly mutually exclusive variables, and yet actually Fulfilling the simple request will strain every neuron they possess as they search their memory banks fruitlessly to try and satisfy your request).
But it’s the mere Suggestion of reciprocity that will be the most helpful here in the end. It will tie your fortunes to theirs, so you can wish them well, (as you should), and still not mind that ‘they’re just not into you’. This can work for some long term advantages, but in the end it’ll assuage any guilt or anger at giving up your friend’s name.
Now as luck would have it I had a dear roomie way back when. he was & still is, “smart, kind, non crazy, good looking & hard working’. Unfortunately, he’s also still single, probably due in no small part of his miserable finances. He wins awards for his work, but it never been quite paid all that well. It’s a longer story though.
2.) The shorter response is: ‘OK do you have a friend who’d be interested in me?’ For most guys, they might be able to fob off someone, but they might get ‘picky’ if they truly know & like you, which is what we hope for.
3.) There’s no sense or mileage in the ‘woe is me’ or ‘What’s wrong with me?’ line of questions here. They’ll not really understand it. At least not then. They’re attracted to another, it’s as simple as that. The only real exception to this seems to be some guys who though some persistence can and do wear down some of their ‘intended targets’, and thus it remains a marginal but still viable strategy for a few. Guys seemingly can sometimes break though the internal dialog presented and begin to try and insinuate themselves into the process. I’ve just rarely seen this pulled off successfully by many women. A few girls perhaps. Not many grown women outside of the Soaps.
Just some thoughts here. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
This should have read:
“Unfortunately, he’s also still single, probably due in no small part of his miserable finances. He wins awards for his work, but he’s never been quite paid all that well”. Sorry for any confusion. Cheers, ‘VJ’
[…] Setting the Scene I’d love to hear from people who successfully navigated from the disappointment of rejection through to acceptance. […]
I have just straight up told people (guys that invite themselves along to parties with me so as to meet my supposedly “hot female friends” that all women have) that I am not a pimp. If he wants to talk to your roommate he will have to make the move himself but you will not help him. Why? Because chances are he will NOT do that for you (which is why VJ’s questions are so ingenious). WHY? Because he is usually only in it for his selfish motives and he gets nothing out of fixing you up (for many guys, female friends exist as a conduit for meeting her other friends who might be “hot”). Or because he views you as a backup woman and therefore wants to keep you available should he run out of options. Or, lastly, because most of his friends are likely to be players, scumbags, what have you, that he would not want you to date (you chances are you would know that, too). He might have one nice single available friend, but chances are you have already met him and don’t find him especially attractive. Case closed.