Group therapy in a blog.
Esther Kustanowitz
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Posts by Esther Kustanowitz
What’s Not to Love?
218 years
Every once in a while, a “Vows” column gives hope and inspiration. This is one of those, I think, as does the reader who wrote to alert me to it; as she framed it, “This chick is my new hero.” Witness the story of Amy Lefko and Ross Levy.
The bride, 33, graduated from the University of Kansas and was invested as a cantor at the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in New York. She is a member of the executive board of the American Conference of Cantors.
The bridegroom, 25, is the director of student life at the Jewish Community High School of Gratz College in Elkins Park. He is studying for a master’s in Jewish education and administration at Gratz. He also composed the music and sings and plays the guitar on “Where the Future Lies,†a CD of contemporary Jewish music from Sounds Write Productions.
A Jewish couple, equally immersed in Jewish life, meets through mutual interests and strikes up a mentoring, nurturing relationship that transforms into love, giving no mind to the age difference and following their hearts. Mazal tov and b’hatzlahah to the happy couple.
And in other engagement news: Bangitout.com co-founder Seth Galena proposed to Hindy Poupko on the CBS morning show, which you can view at Bangitout.com.; and regular JDA reader Drew Kaplan became engaged to the rarest of beings: A Jewish woman named Rachel.
Mazal tov, mazal tov…and hag sameah (a happy and healthy Passover) to all!
Need Advice? Two More Places to Go…
018 years
Of course you can always ask me. I might not always be able to answer, and sometimes I’m not real prompt at responding. But there are two people whose opinions I find to be mostly grounded in actual reality instead of some sort of fictional ideal world. If you need a woman’s advice, try Moxie; if you want to hear it from a man, try Evan.
And if it works out for you, let me know!
I’m Back: Sort of…/Name Your Topic/A Chance to Write Singles Columns?
218 years
First off, my sincere apologies for my absence…I’ve run into a busy patch of work and travel, with multiple responsibilities that put blogging at a distant fifth or sixth on my to-do list. But next week I’ll be back in earnest, with new posts and discussion topics.
In the meantime, I’ve got a few housekeeping things for you. Firstly, what kinds of topics would you like to see JDA cover in the coming weeks? As a community, JDA is open to your ideas and suggestions. And secondly, have you always read singles columns and think “hey, I can do that!” Well, now’s your chance. The Jewish Journal wants your pitches, especially if you’re in “L.A. and environs.”
Wanted: 20-something year-old JJ seeks SJF or SJM (20s-120s) for romantic, funny or poignant columns about finding — and losing — love in L.A. and environs. Open to all ages and interests. If you can wow me with your story, insight and writing, send your column (850 words), name and contact info to singles@jewishjournal.com; put SINGLES in subject line. No Phone Calls Please.
Looking forward to reading you in print!
“Plus-One”? Or “Plus-None”?
2718 years
Your help needed for an article…
Let’s say you’re invited to a wedding, or a bar mitzvah, or any other affair where there will be some sort of ceremony followed by dinner and dancing. And let’s say you’re single. Not in the sense of having a long-time significant other who won’t propose–that’s another article. In the sense that your last date wasn’t anything to write home about, let along bring home to your family.
1) The invitation comes in the mail. Would you rather:
a) That the invitation bears your name alone, knowing full well that the rest of your friends are married and when it comes to the dancing part, you’re going to be the only one left sitting at your table…OR
b) That the invitation bears your name and the vague “and Guest”. Who do you choose as a “plus-one”? A good friend? Someone you’re interested in? Or do you just decide to go it alone and hope for the best?
2) Would you want to be seated at a singles table with no one you know? Or at a couples table with your friends?
3) Is there anything that your friends who were hosting the affair could have done for you to make you more comfortable at their affair?
All help appreciated, and can be posted here in the comments section or sent to me “offline” at jdatersanonymous at gmail.com.
Thanks!
V-Day Discussion: “Checkbox Commitment,” Kiss and Tell, and Privacy
1218 years
Don’t you love Valentine’s Day?
In response to last week’s Jewish Week column, “Checkbox Commitment,” I received this lovely letter from someone I’m rebranding as “a fan.”
Maybe another reason that so many of you folks are single in your 30s is your compulsion to discuss the intimate details of your relationships with your friends and your relatives. On more than one occasion, a girl did that to me and that usually sent me running the other way. It still angers me, why does what happen on a date become fodder for a discussion between a woman and her friends.
I met my wife via a personal ad in [location deleted]. To this day our friends know that, our families think we met via a mutual friend. I may be old-school, but I am not ancient.
I occasionally would be chided for keeping my private relationships private. I would simply reply that a gentleman does not kiss and tell and neither does a lady. Perhaps your crowd should follow that axiom. You may have a bit less to talk about, but maybe you’d screw up less relationships.
It’s the use of the term “screw up” that shows he really cares. But seriously, I don’t necessarily think he’s all wrong. As I wrote in my response to him, the communication in the relationship, especially starting out, is often so uncertain and confusing–and in some cases demoralizing–that the only way to survive is to ask friends for advice. But I do think that sometimes people take the private into the public too often.
What do you think?
NYC: C is For Condom, That’s Good Enough For Me
518 years
Ahh, New York City mid-Valentine’s Day hailstorm. As the pellets land on my windowsill, I open up GTalk and note my friend Bronwen’s “status,” which is only a website URL. I click, and discover that New York City is the first city to brand its very own condom. “And it’s NYC to the core,” the site boasts.
I’m trying not to overthink this. And obviously failing miserably. Why does NYC need its own condom? What is “NYC to the core”? (Pollution? The Yankees? Rudy Giuliani?) And how that could be applied within the condom context?
And once we’ve determined what that elusive NYC ingredient or factor or characteristic is, how would other cities tailor and manufacture their condoms? I imagine Rome and Jerusalem would have their condoms manufactured faultily on purpose, to encourage breeding rather than contraception. The Los Angeles condom would likely be made of silicone and each box would come with the person’s headshot and resume. In Chicago, it comes with a scarf and hat so you don’t catch cold. And in Florida, they’re all orange-flavored.
Wanna get your own? Here’s a list of distributors…and Happy — oh, you know.
JLove Freebie for Singles, through February 15
918 years
JLove, the online dating website that’s positioning itself as the market challenger of JDate (and founded by a former founder of JDate), is giving the gift of mail to single users this week…if you’re a non-premium member, you are being granted the chance to read your accumulated emails through the 15th for free. And if you want to send emails to a promising JLove user, that’s free too.
Of course, I would recommend that you not send emails like these two, the ones that were in my inbox when I redeemed this free offer…[original spellings preserved, of course]:
Subject: hello
“How are you? I like your profile and picture. You look pretty. Have a good weekend.”
Result: attempt to view profile blocked…”this profile is currently unavailable”
Subject: hello baby!
Message: I AM INTERESTED IN YOU. I LIVE IN MEXICO. COULD YOU DROP SOME LINES TO ME AT: [email address deleted] ??? THANKS YOU BEAUTIFUL BABY. I HOPE YOUR ANSWER. SO LONG.
Result: Moving to Mexico. Of course. We’re perfect together, can’t you see?
So don’t say JLove never got you anything for Valentine’s Day. Because three days of free membership privileges is better than you ever got at JDate, right?
“Taking Back” Valentine’s Day
918 years
Dude, it’s mid-February. And you all know what that means. If you’re reading this blog, you either a) don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day, b) are sympathetic to those who don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day, or c) are dissatisfied with your current date for Valentine’s Day. I think that covers just about everyone. (For the record, I am a and b.)
Personally, I’ve always believed that each couple should choose a day for themselves and make that their own Valentine’s Day, in addition to any anniversary markers, instead of letting society dictate when they should express love for their significant other. I also believe that roses that cost $12 a dozen any other day should not cost $24 on February 14th, and that dinner out at restaurants where single people also dine should not be an opportunity for PDA. (I mean, get a room and order in, people…) But that’s just me.
But there are some others who agree that people are too wrapped up in Valentine’s Day, for instance, Grant Adams, who is billed as “the nation’s leading online dating success guru” (a title I would never want, by the way), who is leading a call this V-Day for “all single guys to finally chuck the bouquets and ‘Take Back Valentine’s Day.’ ”
Adams began his crusade because he’s tired of seeing single men go a-begging. “They make a big show of fakery and flattery, throwing away money on flowers, chocolates and over-priced meals.” “Enough!” says Adams, “Men resent it. And, the women don’t really buy it either. It’s better for men to be powerful and authentic rather than forced and artificial.”
I agree with him on authentic rather than forced and artificial. But I don’t think it’s a man vs. woman power thing. I guess I’ve never believed in this “women have all the power”/”men have all the power” dichotomy. I think everyone approaches things differently, and it’s a personality issue–some women have control and others don’t.
What can you do to “take back” Valentine’s Day? Send your girlfriends Valentine’s Day e-cards. Take a bath by candlelight (taking all fire precautions, of course). Pop open a bottle of your favorite cheap wine and watch Oxygen or rent “Love Actually” or “Down with Love.” (Or if you’d like to forget about the holiday, try to get a hold of “Idiocracy,” a Mike Judge film about a future world run by morons.) If JDate’s not working, join JLove so you can have some new site to complain about.
Plus, you can always check out my friends over there in the sidebar, for their unique takes on dating, Jewish and non-, online and off-.
Single Semite of the Month: Evan Marc Katz
2718 years
If Evan Marc Katz‘s name doesn’t sound familiar to you, it should. I’ve certainly mentioned him before–I met him about three years ago, in the early days of my column, at a UJC Young Leadership conference in Washington, DC, where he spoke to a packed room of frustrated daters about what they’re doing wrong with their dating profiles. I’ll admit it now…at first, I thought his advice (particularly about banning adjectives from my online profile) was a lot of hooey. But as I thought about it, I learned that the author of “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating” was right–my profile was much better after I took a red pen to it and eliminated some of those murky, non-helpful adjectives. (It didn’t help me get more online dates, but that’s another story.) That’s not the whole secret to fixing online dating profiles, but it’s one of the things Evan covers in the book and also for clients of his company, E-Cyrano.com.
Then Evan published his next book, “Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad,” a title which actually made me a little mad, but the book itself was a funny, relatable “he-said, she-said” of a read that made me feel a little better. Other people were going through this stuff too.
Over the years, Evan and I have become friends, and usually I get to see him when I’m in LA, and we talk about dating and relating and all that. He’s funny, and it’s “smart-funny,” not “stupid-funny.” (Plus, although he woulda been a contenduh even with his long curly hair, the new “clean-cut” style really brings out those eyes, that smile…)
Even so, somehow I never thought of Evan as a SSOTM until I read his latest article in Match.com’s Happen Magazine, chronicling what it’s like to be the “Last Single Guy Standing“:
Then I hit my mid-thirties. I started to take stock of my methods and was forced to wonder whether I was my own worst enemy. I suddenly felt something beyond longing for connection… I found myself with a real sense of urgency about settling down. A strange, deeply buried ticking clock of sorts. I actually found myself thinking things like, “If I fell in love tomorrow, got engaged in six months, got married in a year and had a child a year later, I’d still be in my late fifties by the time my kid graduated college.†I know. It’s nuts.
No more nuts than any of the rest of us who lived our lives imagining our own marriage timelines. Some of us planned to marry at 23, have a kid at 25, then again at 28 and 31, and be cool, hip moms well into our 50s. (Oh, not me; “a friend.”) But welcome to the world of the serious dater, maybe thinking ahead too much, too early, but needing to be serious in order to get serious. And unfortunately, Evan happens to be a dating coach, so there’s always going to be someone who says, “you’re still single, so what do you know?” (Believe me, singles columnists hear that too.)
So here he is, kids. The first in my resurrected series of “Single Semite of the Month.” And the reluctant poster child for Valentine’s Day. And a hell of a good guy.
(Have nominees for Single Semite of the Month? Send your suggestions to Jdatersanonymous at gmail dot com. And join our Facebook group to discuss suggestions and the decisions of the judges as SSOTMs are chosen…)
Good News, Bad News
418 years
“Where are all the men?”
“Why won’t they commit?”
“Marriage is out; men aren’t even looking to settle down.”
Or so goes the conversation for women worldwide.
But the good news, according to this article in GenerationJ.com, is that men are looking for wives. Unfortunately, there’s bad news too: they’re also looking for whores.
According to author Adam Harmon, this tension finds its roots in the story of Adam and Eve and in the mostly untold legend of Adam and Lilit:
Lilit became the prism by which western culture perceives sexually active women. This archetype is responsible, in the past, for labeling specific types of women “witch” and for blaming, today, many rape victims for the violence they have endured. Eve, on the other hand, represents the polar opposite. In spite of all the bad press she still receives for liking apples, the sexual aspects of Eve are mostly repressed. Eve remains the celebrated Wife who was most explicitly loved during the Victorian Era. This image of Eve, already adjoined to that of Mary by the medieval Christians, resulted in wifehood being stripped of its sexual content. As if all proper women should, like Mary, conceive without actual sexual relations.
Harmon makes sure to tell you that guys aren’t the only ones ‘typing’ the ladies. He says that the “Marriage Material”/”Just For Fun” typing is also something women engage in. But how does this archetyping impact dating today?:
[…] the guy is deciding “which is she?” Is she Whore of Wife? This is not always a conscious deliberation. Mostly, it is an instinct dependent both on our emotional needs at the time and the way the woman fits into our personal typing of Whore and Wife. (Personally, you all look the same to me.) Once that decision is made, the guy will treat you according to the way he thinks your type wants to be treated.
Madonna/Whore complex is nothing new to an English or art major. And with today’s tweens admiring Paris Hilton, it may be clear which direction tomorrow’s women will be heading in.