Group therapy in a blog.
The Single Life
Obama Has Solid Lead…On Facebook
016 years
When it comes to predicting election results, you probably look to exit polls, or to any of the major TV networks, or to your favorite online method of reportage. You can also look to Twitter. But if you’re a social media-connected person, perhaps there’s somewhere else you should be looking — on Facebook.
You may have noticed people “donating their Facebook status” in support of a particular candidate or in general, on behalf of the concept of voting, and therefore, democracy. (I haven’t done an exhaustive count of my 1650 Facebook friends, but the majority seem to be supporting Obama. Not a shocking development, I know.)
“But Esther, why are you telling us this here? Isn’t this a dating-related blog?”
Yes, of course. All will be clear imminently. In the next sentence, actually.
In honor of the election, SpeedDate.com made available ten free virtual gifts related to politics, half related to Obama, the other half to McCain. SpeedDate reported this morning, that tens of thousands of gifts were sent by SpeedDate’s Facebook application’s users over the past couple days, with some interesting results:
* Obama/Dem gifts were sent 51% of the time versus only 9% for McCain/Republican gifts
* The most sent gift was the ‘Vote Obama’ button with 24% of gifts sent (it even beat our default ‘vote’ gift)
* The least sent gift was the elephant that represents the Republican party with only 1%
For more on the breakdown, check out the SpeedDate blog.
Refrigerator Poetry
016 years
The following is refrigerator poetry from the apartment I left behind. I mean, I didn’t leave the poetry behind, just the apartment: I copied down the poem before I dismantled it, word-by-word, and threw it into a Ziploc bag with its verbal brethren. Enjoy.
The manic midtown neon
Was like a modern concert star
From the airport hotel
I hailed you like a cab
The taxi rushes down Park
We let the view be the architecture
Return that expensive avenue you have
And scrape West to a Harlem restaurant
Go hurry and find celebrity love crushes
But wonder who
Watch walk do
Leave sordid Staten Island
And come over after a bagel
Overwhelm our famous village theater
You SoHo dream
A gorgeous drunk skyline
An ugly noise boutique empire assaults jazz and music
Stop, my big porno pretzel
I visit light and him.
‘Modern Love': Having Your Own Cyberstalker
116 years
Amy Klein (who now writes the illustrated column “True Confessions of an Online Dating Addict“) was an editor at Los Angeles’ Jewish Journal when her stalker announced himself on his blog. From then on, she could rely on (and sometimes fear) his attentions. And, as she admits in this most recent “Modern Love” column, she found it “oddly flattering.”
When you’re a journalist, cataloging the words and actions of others, you believe you are granted a writer’s type of diplomatic immunity — inured to being written about, reported on and critiqued yourself. Well, that’s how it used to be, before the Internet.
As Amy discovered, the internet changed the rules, and some bloggers don’t believe that even these new rules should exist. For bloggers who run on attention, giving them any credence fuels them:
I wasn’t familiar with the ethics of blogging (or lack thereof) in terms of what someone can write about you — without fact-checking or sourcing or the other protections that journalists have in place. It was exasperating to have these random claims and judgments about me out there for anyone to read. But complaining about it, as I discovered, only gave him more material:
“About 10 p.m., I was wandering around when I saw the young female managing editor of The Jewish Journal, Amy Klein, dressed as a black cat. I waved at her and she waved a reproving finger back: ‘Don’t write about me on your blog!’ she reprimanded. Rabbi Wolpe then walked by. Amy said to him, while pointing at me, ‘This man is dangerous. He has this blog where he writes about people.’ â€
Writers want to know that we’re reaching people, that the random letters we string together will form a bridge between us and others, enabling us to connect better with people who are actively part of our present and who may be part of our future. Attention is flattering, but there’s a line of comfort that’s different for everyone. In person, when someone crosses a line, you say no, and that should be respected.
It’s been said that a person’s individual blog provides a space where that person can do whatever she or he wants–this is often articulated as “my blog: my rules.” When there’s this kind of feeling of anonymity/immunity in effect 24/7, why should you guard your tongue? Why shouldn’t you be “real,” or totally unfiltered? Why not say what you mean, when you mean it, and to hell with the world and its rules?
How to Know If You’re Boring Someone
116 years
And now, a public service for the dating community. Thanks to the Happiness Project, we’ve got some hints as to how to know if you’re not connecting with your audience. “Are you boring?”
1. Repeated, perfunctory responses. A person who says, “Oh really? Oh really? That’s interesting. Oh really?†is probably not too engaged.
2. Simple questions. People who are bored ask simple questions. “When did you move?†“Where did you go?†People who are interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere politeness.
There are others, and obviously, if your audience has jetlag, these kinds of cues can get thrown off a bit. But generally, this kind of list helps not just to designate what kind of talker you should be, but to identify what kind of listener you are. So check out the rest of the list and see where you fit in…
Happy Tu B’Av: Jewish Holiday of Love (If You’re Lucky)
116 years
As happens in the Jewish calendar, last night began a holiday that continues today: Tu B’Av, the traditional Jewish holiday of love. The timing is designed so that after Tish’ah B’Av, the Ninth of Av fast day, which recalls the tragedies of the Jewish people especially the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, we affirm life with joy, celebration and looking toward a future (read: the hope of future Jewish babies).
I was supposed to go to the Bangitout Tu B’Av party in NYC–which draws about 800-1000 Jews all (theoretically) looking for relationships. If I still had the Jewish Week singles column, I would have gone for research, but since Jewish singles isn’t my official pring beat anymore, this year, I was going just for me. But it wasn’t in the cards. (Read why here.)
Because last week was Tish’ah B’Av, this Shabbat is Shabbat Nachamu, the “Shabbat of Consolation” on which Madonna will be justifying her love with her husband through renewal of vows, and which traditionally has served as a designated Jewish singles weekend for the eternally hopeful.
But singles weekends are expensive, so many will take a less costly route and gather in Central Park on Shabbat for picnicking and kibbitzing. Who knows? I might even be there.
And now, a Tu B’Av video courtesy of some of my blog friends, including Benji Lovitt of WhatWarZone. Happy Tu B’Av!
“Marriage on Their Minds”…But Is It? I Mean, Really?
716 years
Like many long-time single Jewish Upper West Siders, I read “Marriage on Their Minds,” by former editrix of Heeb Jennifer Bleyer, with great interest, and admittedly, some jealousy. The color green (jealousy) comes courtesy of the writer in me, who’s always been jealous of the category known as “people I moderately know who are suddenly writing about Jewish single life in the NY Times instead of me.” And the interest, of course, comes from what seems a sudden interest in the social lives of UWS Jews -an area I’ve had some interest in for some time – from the Grey Lady.
The piece is a basic intro for those not familiar with “the scene,” and a trip down memory lane for those of us who, at any point in our lives, lived it. To sum up: lots of singles in NYC, lots of Jews, Lincoln Square, Jewish Center, Bangitout and their annual Tu B’Av festivus (scheduled for this Thursday in NYC), “not in the shtetl anymore,” singles with marriage on their minds (on paper, at least) but who never have to grow up. To sum up even further: News Alert–Jewish Singles Found on Upper West Side: Who Knew?.
“Friends With Benefits”: A Commentary on Modern Love?
616 years
Of all the JDaters Anonymous posts I’ve written, the one that keeps getting found (and commented on) is the one I wrote in early 2006, right before I boarded a singles cruise to the Caribbean. (Perhaps I was subconsciously hoping I’d find someone on the boat…)
“Friends With Benefits” (imported from the days when I was still over at Blogger–see here for an additional nine comments that don’t appear on this site), remains a fascinating concept because it’s not about random sexual encounters with strangers…in an age when we’re looking for love and companionship, and as many say, “a best friend I can go through life with,” people find friendship and friskiness in the same person. They’re attracted to the personality, and to the sexual animal, and yet, don’t want to have a relationship with them.
Forget the people who don’t want to be in a relationship, period, with anyone. Commitment-phobes are also out. And habitual users of the drug known as casual sex or one-night stands aren’t what we’re talking about here. But people who are actively dating, involved in the process and the quest for someone to build a life with, and regularly sleeping with someone else whom they care about and whose company they enjoy? Why not try a relationship with such a person? Isn’t that what they’re looking for, someone they care for and attracted to? I mean look…we’ve all seen the episodes of “Friends”: it was FWB first for Monica and Chandler (and a lot of alcohol), and then they fell. Is that what people are subconsciously looking for when they enter a FWB situation, that it will progress beyond the defined limits into something more meaningful?
This topic continues to fascinate me, and I’m particularly interested, as always, in how this phenomenons exists (or doesn’t) in the Jewish world. But in a larger sense, what does this kind of arrangement mean about modern love? Does this emerge from a culture of infinite personalization? Since we can tailor our computer desktops and programs by going to the “Options” menu, do we expect to do the same thing with our love lives?
Do we feel empowered by the freedoms of the “Sex and the City” generation, and feel like we should be pursuing sex first, relationships later? And are people in FWB scenarios, who are still theoretically “looking for the one,” just fooling themselves and their non-FWB dates?
What other comments does the popularity of “Friends With Benefits” make on modern love??
Love, Jerusalem Style
016 years
Those of you hoping that this is a report from the Holy City about my impending marriage to an officer in the IDF are about to be disappointed. But those of you who might have missed my columns in the Jewish Week might be interested in this piece I did for the same newspaper about the new TV show “Serugim,” which chronicles single life in some of Jerusalem’s neighborhoods.
Love, Jerusalem Style
by Esther D. Kustanowitz
[…] residents have embraced the new show, which is in Hebrew, and tackles the experiences of single religious Jews from varying backgrounds.
The first two episodes deal with tensions within Orthodoxy and the nuances of interpersonal relationships between people who are very different, in terms of both personality and Jewish observance. For instance, women roommates have rules about men not sleeping over. But what if your date gets so drunk that he can’t drive home? Can he stay over? And what happens when that guy wants to put on tefillin in the morning, and the only set available is from Stacy, the Reform rabbinical student down the hall? […]
Revisiting JSinglesSpace and the Continuity Cafe
316 years
The piece below originally appeared as part of the Jewish Week’s “Big Ideas” Issue in December of 2006 and decried a lack of research on Jewish singles and suggested a center for research of single life which could double as a young community center and living space for single Jews.
Very recently, researcher Steven M Cohen produced “Uncoupled: How Our Singles are Reshaping Jewish Engagement,” a study about unmarried 20-somethings and 30-somethings and their habits regarding connection to Jewish life. (He’s speaking at the PresenTense Institute this Thursday at 1pm, and I’ve been invited to comment in response. See here for directions.)
But the more I think about it and write about it (on JDatersAnonymous and in the creation of a book proposal on the subject of Jewish singles), and the more I see of the communal approach of the PresenTense Institute, the more relevant I think a proposal like this is–people have their own projects and interests, but the spirit of the collective inspires individuals and their creativity. While this piece was written for the Jewish Week and therefore centered on New York City, the truth is that such an institute could exist in another major city somewhere–Chicago, LA, San Francisco or Jerusalem–and would yield interesting research as well as perhaps some interesting friendships and relationships.
So here’s the piece again for your re-consideration. Looking forward to the discussion. (And yes, the piece is available for reprints–reasonable rates, just ask.)
JSinglesSpace and the Continuity Cafe
by Esther D. Kustanowitz
Each year, a new crop of idealistic Jewish twentysomethings moves to New York City in an attempt to forge romantic futures and financial fortunes in the city that never sleeps. The number of people crammed into Upper West Side two-bedroom apartments that were converted to three to accommodate each year’s immigrant singles thematically recalls Lower East Side tenement days. 10024 has so many single Jewish women that they may not even all show up in a JDate zip code search (a true story from JDate customer service). And many of those twentysomethings stay uncoupled until they’re thirtysomething or fortysomething, clustering in tribes of the seemingly-eternally single. But despite all of these fascinating trends, academic studies have yet to focus on Jewish singles anywhere, let alone within the borders of New York City.
(more…)
Enjoying the Larger Story in the Summer of Ted
217 years
Daily, there’s this thing that lives with you, whether you invited it in or not. It’s called tedium, and sometimes it goes by a nickname, like “Ted” or “lease renewal,” or “blind dating.” But whatever you call it, it’s like a cloud, obfuscating all else, making things inexorably hazier and robbing you of your Precious, whether it is something as complicated as happiness or as simple a pleasure as clarity.
And believe me, this summer, though full of wonderful things, was also the summer of Ted. Everything good that emerged from the last three months has had its own process of painful, sleep-depriving birth–none of it coming with a lovely and dreamlike injection of painkillers and muscle relaxers. It’s not like I labored and no one believes me. People know. People acknowledge. I hold magazines and newsletters in my hands, and have expanded my Rolodex and Facebook friends list. But I think–and this is a hard thing to admit–that the minimal sleep and intense creativity might be having an adverse effect, and my recovery time is not what it once was.
Which is why moments of Tedlessness, in which the fog doesn’t so much lift dramatically as dissipate molecularly, in small, barely perceptible minutes, are so precious. These times provide reinvigoration, and spiritual renewal, or other new agey sounding patchouliness. It’s why I’m glad that I’ve come to realize that the people and endeavors that inspire me, and who are present in my life aren’t just there randomly–they and I both are part of a larger story.
Gone are the days of “we all met in college and have been friends ever since.” Gone are the days of “we’ve been friends ever since we met at camp when we were twelve.” Or, at least, those days are gone to me. These days, when I look at a person, I remember our specific story. I sift through perceived and actual memories of our meeting, our first encounter, which, more often than not, was through the internet, or through something that I’d written. A reader put us in touch, hoping it would provide more work. (It did, repeatedly, along with a lasting friendship and partnership.) A colleague put us in touch, thinking we’d get along. (We did, incredibly well.) An Israel program showed us the relativity of age and the importance of finding creative people to partner with. (And we did, intensely and with great success.) In one case, although it certainly gives me no pleasure or ad revenue to admit it, I might have even met one of the members of my creative posse through JDate.
I enjoy these larger stories because it makes me feel like life is less random, like there’s definitely a karma-like aspect to putting out creativity and having it boomerang back at you in an incredibly inspiring and non-violent fashion. It creates within a cynical heart the possibility of redemption, and provides a chamber for the echoes of optimism that escape, pinging about a cavernous mind, and bouncing off its walls. It makes me believe, even if foolishly and naively, that we’re more in control of what happens in our lives than we might ever estimate on a given day.
Which is why on those most normal of everyday days, it’s important to see a larger picture, and enjoy the larger story. Especially if the day in question happens to be a day of Ted.