Group therapy in a blog.
How to Be a Player
Over the last few Jewish holidays, I’ve met a whole slew of new people. That’s been good, but mostly it’s been interesting. Within five minutes of being introduced to me and told what I do and what I write about, everyone talks about being single.
One dude I met said that he “used to be a player, but isn’t anymore.” This being a Jewish gathering, I immediately understood that he didn’t mean professional sports. Ever the unlicensed amateur anthropologist, I asked what I thought was an obvious question:
EK: “How do you define a ‘player’?”
Dude: “Someone who sleeps around.”
EK: “Isn’t that called promiscuous?”
Dude: “Well, it was with women I was dating.”
EK: “You were dating all of them? Did they know about each other?”
Dude: “Some of them knew, others didn’t.”
Does this mesh with your understanding with what a “player” is? Is it someone who is secretly casually with other people? Someone who just “doesn’t talk about exclusivity,” and assumes that this means nonexclusivity? Or is there an active deception involved? (“No, baby…you’re the only one for me…hang on–call waiting…”)
I’ve heard dudes call each other “player,” as a compliment, in the same vein as “stud” or “party animal” or “chick magnet.” But I’ve never heard a woman refer to another woman as a “player.” Can women be “players”? And do we want to be?
Why would a guy be happy to call himself a player? And is it like being “cool,” that if you’re truly cool, you don’t have to tell people you’re cool? But then again, I have t-shirts that proclaims me alternately “Jewlicious” and a “celebrity,” so maybe I’m not the best source on this.
A player is a guy whose focus is on “playing” as many ladies as possible. Playing rhymes with…….laying. A true player will use charm, stealth, lies – anything – to achieve this goal. A player lacks all sense of empathy, as many of the women are used and hurt. True players are often mysogonists.
A player, however, should not be confused with a “ladies man” or “chick magnet”. An LM achieves the same objective results (getting many women), but does not resort to lies and chicanery. LMs actually like women, and like being with woman. Players usually abhor women. CMs are like LMs, but CMs do not have to try. Chicks are drawn to them, whereas LMs must woo the women. All players are also LMs or CMs, but not all CMs or LMs are players.
Other guys do not actually like players as people. Guys, for the most part, do not think highly of players. They applaud their objective results (getting many women), but abhor their means. Guys do look up to non-player LMs and CMs. And, mpost importantly, rarely do players change their stripes. The ability to be a player comes with emotional fragility. Misogony, lack of empathy, narcissism are all traits that are hard to reform. So if a guy says “I was, but am no longer, a player”, you should smile, nod knowingly and walk away.
Women can be Players as well. But not for sexual goals. As whereas Player guys must often lie or use subterfuge to bed a woman, a women can get laid by outright just asking nicely (or not so nicely). Women do not need to resort to “playing” men to get sex. When women play men they do so for dinners, drinks, presents. Its a “play”, but not for lay. (Though, women who do sleep around alot are usually called sluts – a double standard does exists, but thats life, and another topic for conversation).
Hope this helps.
This is so coincidental, I recently had the same discussion: as I spent my first holiday on the Upper West Side, I heard plenty of folks referring to these normal looking fellows as “players” or how they used to be players, always implying it was an enviable achievement or desirable status. And I asked the same thing, “How do you define a player?”
The most common answer I got was that a player sleeps with a lot of people. More specifically, he (or she) acts as if he is committed to that one person, but is secretly getting busy with other women, with whom he may also be pledging commitment.
But what makes it funny is that these Modox Upper West Side “players” are chalking up conquests with generic UWS girls like “Malke” and “Rivka”, like anyone outside this incestuous clique would be impressed. “Player”, which sounds cooler when prounced in gangsta’ talk, like playa’, is a bit of an overstatement for our homebrew Hebrew “players”, I think. Tell someone like Usher, a more credible player with street creds, that these fellows are considered “major playas”. He’ll laugh.
Then he’ll tap every Jewish white girl’s ass on the UWS and ask, “Who’s the playa’ now, beeotch?”
I’ll say that anyone who uses another unduly for their own gratification can be defined as a ‘player’. This can well apply to both men & women, and indeed has a very long and colorful literary history. It’s a very old story. People will lie to get what they want if they want it badly enough and they see no other easy alternative. This includes the desire for sex, money& riches, fame or power. You’re a big player when it involves all of these elements rolled into one, and then > before you know it, you’re playing with a nasty divorce/palimony/harassment attorney, and you’re not playing much at all. It’s the way of all flesh.
A good rule of thumb is that the serious amateur male players usually get out of the game before they’re 40, when the pro leaguers start. After 40 you need more flash, more money and/or power to interest the right sort of gal, (the 2nd/3rd ‘trophy’ wife and/or the ‘classy’ mistresses). Being a player when you’re past your prime is a very serious minded pursuit, and not for the light hearted. Usually you’ve got to be some combo of both a CM & a LM to pull it off, or else be about as rich as Trump. Alternatively you could be just lucky, have some time on your hands, endowed like a farm animal and as limber and athletic as a circus freak and live near Wisteria Lane. It can happen, right? Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Correction: That should have been ‘…as limber and athletic as a circus *performer*…’ Many circus freaks were indeed somewhat less than limber, but still good people. Cheers, ‘VJ’
screw being a player. if you need to decieve and bed multiple women to boost your self esteem, you’re not a “player”, you’re just lame.
It’s easy to be a player. Really. Really easy. But like I said, it’s lame. You’re a badass when you can have a meaningful lasting relationship with a really awesome person in which you’re both mutually happy. That’s definately harder than being a player, and definately more impressive.
B”H Hmm…my guess is that this has something to do with our (American men’s) initmacy issues. Sounds cliche, I know, and not every guy who sleeps around has them, but still… Something to think about… Over here in Israel, I don’t think that the native-born Israeli men who sleep around do not have the identical issues going on. They’re less uptight about a lot of the stuff American, Jewish guys seem to to be uptight about.