Group therapy in a blog.
Happy New Year: Thoughts Inspired By “When Harry Met Sally”
If it’s New Year’s week, and you’re a single woman, and you have a TV, you’re probably watching “When Harry Met Sally” right now. From “BabyFishMouth” to “tell me I’ll never have to be out there again,” you’re equal parts loving and hating yourself as you watch for the 20th time. The film itself has some of the most perfect comedic timing ever seen in movies over the past 20 years, and, since we’ve all grown up on this film and experienced it deeply personally, we can’t help but feel that since Harry and Sally got their perfect wedding to their perfect soulmate, so should we. In short, it built romantic expectations for a generation.
But then we run into the central premise, and debate it ad nauseam with our male and female friends. Can men and women be friends? And is that really what the movie is about? Let’s hear from co-author Nora Ephron. (I read this in the book edition of the screenplay and copied it out to share with you.)
…What “When Harry Met Sally” is really about – not, as i said, whether men and women can be friends, but about how different men and women are. The truth is that men don’t want to be friends with women. Men know they don’t understand women, and they don’t much care. They want women as lovers, as wives, as mothers, but they’re not really interested in them as friends. They have friends. Men are their friends. and they talk to their male friends about sports, and I have no idea what else.
Women, on the other hand, are dying to be friends with men. Women know they don’t understand men, and it bothers them. They think that if only they could be friends with them, they would understand them and, what’s more (and this is their gravest mistake), it would help. Women think if they could just understand men, they could do something.
I’ve been thinking about these words, and Nora Ephron’s wisdom about this topic. What we’re really trying to achieve is not friendship, it’s understanding why they do what they do (presumably to us). It’s only fitting, since I’ve spent decades thinking about whether men and women can be friends, that I try to give this some serious thought. I have some men friends, but the level of friendship isn’t even close – the trust, the reliability, the sympatico…it’s just a miss. And when they’re in relationships, they’re just gone. If the relationships don’t work out, they’re back. And then, when they vanish again, I know there’s someone else.
It’s fine. I mean, I get why it happens. But the fact that I get it doesn’t mean that I think that’s optimal behavior for friends. But of course now, we have a new definition for friends. And so I declare, “we have reached a new era, an era when men and women can be friends. On Facebook.”
If you have thoughts on this issue, please, share with the group.
And whatever you do this New Year’s Eve, keep your expectations reasonable, and find a designated driver. Wishing you all a safe and happy new year.
This is something I wrote about this very topic.
Some interesting comments too.
http://jewishshiksa.blogspot.com/2006/04/do-platonic-friendships-exist.html
Nora Ephron is on the money. But it’s not so much about what we talk about with each other (sports, work, women, etc.), it’s about not having to filter what we say. We rarely have that luxury with women. And by “rarely,” I mean never. At least in my experience.
Sadly, I can’t argue with Nora too much. My guy friends are definitely not people I’m massively close to, and also they have to be either married, gay, or I’m pretty darned sure won’t have the hots for me (i.e. guys drastically out of my age range + not pervy).
It’s depressing, really.
Speaking with some authority here, I can say definitively that there are probably plenty of only slightly pervy older dudes who might just have the hots for you. And much of the time? That might not be too depressing a thought. Once you get used to it. But mostly? This only happens to women tangentially when they’re married to these older gents.
Still friendship is very important, and consistently under valued & forever misunderstood. Understanding comes & goes with the topic & context. The bonds of friendship should be more lasting & enduring. My wife well understands me enough to predict most things. Still there are precincts where she (or I) imagine that mere ‘logic’ should rule that open up the chasms of new enlightenment to the other. Sometimes daily. With kids especially too. Cheers & Good Luck in the New year! ‘VJ’