Group therapy in a blog.
The Vanishing
Recent events have led me to compile this list of reasons why a man, after an overwhelmingly positive interaction (be it platonic or romantic), might suddenly disappear, vanishing into the ether…
I’m sure that there’s a list for women, too, but frankly, I’m a little more concerned with why the men vanish so. Feel free to add your own….
Reasons Why Men Disappear
- Has become Unabomber and now lives in unwired cabin in Montana
- Afraid social intercourse with women will harm his macho stud rep
- Hit by “the busâ€Â
- Lying dead in a ditch somewhere
- Has had partial stroke affecting only ability to communicate via phone or email
- Computer crash has rendered him unable to electronically communicate
- School/work schedule so overwhelming that calling and writing are not options
- Witness protection program has given him a new identity and firm instructions not to contact anyone from his “previous lifeâ€Â
- Wrongly imprisoned in bizarre beer pong-related incidents in Thailand
- Have entered monastery in which any contact with evil females is prohibited
- Have signed nondisclosure agreements with self; if found in violation, will have to sue himself
- Have shacked up with iPod Nano and declared intent to marry
- Went on road trip with buddy a month ago, refused to ask for directions, and the two remain lost somewhere between here and Tijuana
- Undercover at Neverland ranch
- Kidnapped by Hef’s three girlfriends and taken to the Playboy mansion for month of post Yom Kippur debauchery
- In a 12 step program and stuck at step 1
- Reading a really good book he can’t put down
- Lost somewhere in Target, Ikea or Home Depot
- Have been bricked up behind a wall in someone’s basement
- Was bit by lycanthrope and can not resurface until the full moon is gone
- Was on Oceanic Flight 815
- Just found out he was an agent for SD-6 and is now being debriefed by a special ops unit of the CIA
- He’s just not that into you
More reasons:
-a woman with bigger breasts shows interest
-is really a transvestite
-woman’s phone number is numerically undesirable
-afraid woman w/blog will post every detail of their evolving relationship including identifying markings on genitalia
Reasons Why Men Disappear
1. We call, only to get your answering machine, which directs us to your cell phone, which gives us your beeper number, and you don’t return any of the above.
2. You talk to us on the phone while you’re doing something else important, like cleaning the toilet or typing e-mails to other prospects.
3. Like many things Jewish, reality turns out to be the direct opposite of what’s in writing. “Loves to laugh” wouldn’t chuckle once on a date with Mel Brooks, “shy and retiring” never pipes down, etc.
4. You take us to a restaurant filled with gorgeous women and 120 db of noise, to test our ability to resist temptation and read lips simultaneously.
5. You say you’re Conservative, but dump us because you say we didn’t wear a yamika on the first date.
6. “Communication” means you’ll complain and we’ll sympathize. “Honesty” means you always say the opposite of what you mean.
7. You’re afraid to let us know you need us.
Tee hee… I think this is going to be a funny one as far as responses from the boyz…
And Marty, don’t worry, I haven’t blogged about you yet, have I?
Oy, Simcha, really? Conservative but not wearing a yarmulke? Aww…
Married. Dating on the down low. Men who do this are very good at vanishing after making a positive connection with a woman who is not his wife. Not much a woman can do about this, really. Unfortunate.
Dr. Janice
Again some historical perspective is needed here. Go back to the files of The Forward, (then the Jewish Daily Foward). Look back in the stacks some 100 years, this is possible. (Perhaps only on Microfilm now.) There you will see amazing things. But one thing is constant. For the next generation (thu the 10’s 20’s & 30’s) you will see ads taken out by dutiful and wondering wives asking the same heartsick question: ‘Have you seen my husband S., my fiancee Max etc.?’ ‘He went out for a bottle of milk, a pack of smokes, an errand for a friend and simply vanished’. Many men were later found, if a only a bit later, but some were never truly heard from again. It was one of the most enduring mysteries of immigrant life. ‘Why did Poppa leave us all alone to grow up here among all this struggle and strife?’, is still one of the most haunting questions that remains from the experience.
Then as now one of the most persistent issues dealt with finances and lack of same. If Max was simply not making it where he was, he left for greener pastures further west, (from NYC). He took it as a matter of faith that his dear departed wife, (who yes, would soon consider him all but lost and given up for dead), would understand, forgive him and move on with better prospects. Sometimes this proved to be the case, sometimes she had to soldier on alone. Sometimes he came back and made amends. Sometimes he disappeared for decades only to return to be buried in the family plot back east.
So the case of the ‘missing male’ has a long and a rich heritage in both history and literature. This may not explain why you were stood up on Sat., but it does go to show that this is certainly not an unique or uncommon circumstance. A large part of it may stem from not meeting expectations, and feelings of inadequacy. A desire to be one thing, but still falling far too short on too many scales. It is a current seen in folk tales and in many family dramas. Just because we live in the modern age does not make anyone immune to these pressures. Just a thought here.
Of course there’s lots of other varieties of schmucks, and this is meant to describe only one typcial human failing, but perhaps one of the most complicated and tragic though.
Cheers, ‘VJ’
- he’s a dumbass who doesn’t realize how amazing the woman is
(Oh, did that sound bitter? Can’t imagine why…)
(Also, my word-verification was “unfck,” which struck me as oddly funny…)
Wow, VJ’s comment was truly educational. Great post where I laugh and learn something. Sadly, I have no answers as to why they don’t call.
Because on your first date you mentioned five ex-boyfriends, none of whom was good enough for you (the doctor wasn’t athletic enough, the Olympic gold medalist wasn’t rich enough, the model wasn’t sympathetic enough, the athletic doctor model didn’t wear the right shoes and the fifth one met all the requirements but didn’t live in Manhattan).
Because somehow every conversation came back to money.
Because your cell phone rang three times during the date. We understand even in 2005 that you’re so scared of some guy you met on the internet that you have a friend call to make sure you’re okay, but after that, please turn off the phone…
Now a suggestion– it will take some tact and may not work with everyone, but have you ever tried marketing research? Asking for an honest explanation of why he didn’t ask for a second date? I’ve done this a couple of times (after a couple of weeks went by) and have learned a lot. I’ve also written to four or five women on JDate who didn’t respond to my inquiry when I thought that we had a LOT in common in our profiles, and two gave me interesting feedback (I made it clear in the email that I was NOT trying to be sneaky and get them to take another look at my profile hoping that they’ll want to meet).
-Shaun Eli
http://www.BrainChampagne.com
Why men disapear…
He’s Renfield from Dracula and going out with you distracts him from his master.
He meets a fater less cuter veresion of you and finds that she makes him feel better about himself.
He has must watch all four seasons of 24 consquetively and can’t leave the house until he does.
I love the Lost reference!
Roz
This is what I call the Black Hole of Men Theory. Men can fall into a black hole for a vast number of reasons,its best not to wonder too much on what those reasons are. Its a given that men can dissapear into any point, possibly up until marriage and might dissapear never to be heard from even then.
“have you ever tried marketing research? Asking for an honest explanation of why he didn’t ask for a second date?”
Um, no. I already took enough of an ego hit from her not wanting to see me again, now I have to get bruised again from learning my flaws in detail? Getting my self-confidence pumped back up is more important than anything I would learn. So instead I just call female friends who tell me that I’m great and she’s shallow. That’s more like it!
Reasons why men/women disappear:
Humans generally avoid conflict, so it’s easier to ignore someone than to reject them using the excuse: “I didn’t want to be mean”.
Both sexes pretty much suck. So to speak.
One more thing– just because you had fun on the date doesn’t mean your date had fun on the date. Maybe she was telling that thrilling story about when her cat got tied up in the ball of yarn and rolled around on the floor for hours to her endless entertainment, or he spent the entire date describing his one proud sports moment in junior high school basketball…
Sometimes what we like best is talking about ourselves, and we had fun doing that, never realizing that we were monopolizing the conversation and boring our date… but we had a good time.
Shaun wrote: just because you had fun on the date doesn’t mean your date had fun on the date.
I’m gonna say that this scenario is possible in lots of cases (on both the women’s and men’s sides), but not in the one that inspired the list. Mostly because it wasn’t a date. But just because it wasn’t a date doesn’t mean that we didn’t connect emotionally, or that, in the absence of follow-up, it wasn’t disappointing. That’s all I’m saying.
what’s worse is when they disappear, then reappear and act like it was totally cool and acceptable that you didn’t hear from them for 3 months, because hey, your not “dating” each other, and then they disappear again, and then you express anger at the disappearance and they get all like “hey, you’re too angry for me…” just saying
It’s pretty clear why a guy won’t call because he cannot commit.
Why can’t he commit?
a) he is married
b) is involved with someone else
c) he is mentally too weak or imbalanced to pursue a normal commitment
d) he is financially not secure enough to commit
I think the most bothering type is the schizo type that Chutzpah described. They think that maybe you are waiting around after 3 months of not talking? Sheesh.
Did you know this was a competition?
I believe the (unconfirmed, based solely on gut) winner is LifeDeluxe’s (b).
I thought he was a better friend than that, but I think that’s the sad, semi-concealed truth. Oh well.
shaun eli:
in response to your comments on writing to women on jdate and them not replying – it is entirely possible that you wrote to non-paying members that cannot read emails…personally i don’t have $30 a month or whatever they are trying to bleed out of us, so (sob sob), i wait to see who might want me (ARGH!) and hope they will IM me…
such a sad existence…
but just a reminder to those guys out there that think girls are being rude and not replying!! g-d knows how many of them think i’m so rude cos i haven’t replied…
Right on, Pollyanna…you make a very good point.
Chutzpah … were you and I dating the same man???