Group therapy in a blog.
“‘Bad’ Jewish Man” Confesses to Forward
In this article in the Forward, West Hollywood resident David Seidman writes about the commonly held–and commonly expressed–belief that there are “no good Jewish men (or women) out there.” In the piece, he reviews some of the major tropes and cliches of Jewish single life that any dater (or reader of any singles column) will be familiar with:
I’m short. I don’t make a lot of money. At 49, I’m too old for much of the Planet of the Jewish Single Women. And — this will be a shock, coming from a Jew — I’m neurotic and insecure. Is it unfair or sexist to say that these traits seem to cool the desires of most women? Maybe. Nevertheless, the fact still stands: I am bad.
Now, at this point in the confession, you might expect the next sentences to be, “But I’m a really nice guy if you get to know me,†or “Don’t I deserve love like everyone else?†But comments like those are a way of saying, “Treat me like I’m good†— and I told you, I’ve quit arguing that case.
I don’t expect to talk women into changing their desires and standards. Women are what they are.
So are men. I’ve run into too many Y chromosomes who gripe just as much that there are no good Jewish women. Ask these guys about the one they met on JDate, or Friday Night Live, or your friend’s wedding, and they’ll tell you why she’s too much like their mother, or the girls they went to Hebrew school with, or that she’s not young enough, or that her body isn’t perfect enough.
This is like the beginning of a summary of what’s wrong with Jewish single life. In particular, he calls out the cliches and generalizations as damaging to singles, which I clearly agree with. I’m almost tempted to call for a ban on the phrase “there are no good men out there.” And then after the article ends, some commenter comes along and makes the following statement:
Let’s face facts…there are only two types of Jewish woman. Before marriage…and after marriage. Before marriage…everything is fine. After marriage…fuhgeddabout it. They “settle”…because they believe they can change us. And when they can’t…you guys know the rest. Thank G-d for shixahs.
The voice of one, speaking for the many, perpetuating the very stereotypes and cliches that the author rails against in the article. I’m not going to parse the one comment with Talmudic detail–talking about the generalizations about the types of Jewish women, the invocation of the “s” word and the other “s” word, etc–but I wish that the “other bad men” had written in with similar confessions, praising the author for his call to eradicate the cliches of Jewish dating. But instead, we get this comment, which despite the efforts of the author, gets us all thinking about what kind of men (or women) are really out there.
I think the comments here were the depressing part. Really disheartening. With one dame doing Dover Math books over men, and loving the ‘perfect life’! In any case, this really needs a more expansive treatment. What happens to all those ‘ordinary’ or ‘average’ folks out there? Once upon a time they had no problem meeting & marrying & mating. So what’s the problem today? I call it a ‘revolution of rising expectations’. We expect him to be as funny as John Stewart/Jay Leno/Dave Letterman and as beautiful as one other their Hollywood guests. TV is far more entertaining than most people, and that’s not their fault, most people don’t have a score of writers working for them either.
Still, there’s plenty of ‘average’ or ‘middling’ folks out there who might be paired up and enjoy themselves in decent adult relationships, perhaps leading to marriage. That does not make them ‘bad’ particularly, just not the first choice of many of their contemporaries. So most folks spend their 20’s searching and/or chasing those few really good looking ‘stars’ who might represent 20-30% (at best) of the relevant population. As Jews, most of us tend towards the short spectrum in height, are typically dark rather than honey or light & blond haired, and enjoy many unique & special advantages of an upbringing & culture that would seem strange to others, but would be familiar to any MOT. And yet, so many of our contemporaries insist on ‘he must be tall & really good looking’. Or ‘she must be beautiful and Under a size 8-10′. But the average dress size for an American woman today is said to be in excess of 12. And it’s rare to find a Jewish guy who’s over 6′. So being a ‘bad Jew’ evidently means having to apologize for merely being ‘average’, which again is an old shtick, but it does get plenty old if it’s your life.
But yeah, everyone is deserving of love, and this is why the pet industry is booming. They’re way more dependable & reliable for affection & devotion than most humans. And have been for millenniums.
On another note, writer Lori Gottlieb has had her article in the Atlantic ‘Marry Him!’ optioned for a movie by Warner’s and got a ‘6 figure advance’ on a book from it. Possibly the fastest non disaster book deal I’ve heard about in years.
[http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/film/news/e3iec476757724b7570392d3d49f3e8e6cc]
So, No, she’ll not be dating any more shlubs like you bub!
Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
That IS a great sum up of the daily awkwardness of the Jewish male single.
And Shiksahs R 4 Practice, no?
In praise of Jewish women . . . .
I’m a non-Orthodox Jewish man in his late twenties and I have a confession: I have a thing for Jewish women.
I don’t exclusively date Jewish women because my parents want me to (on the contrary, they don’t put any pressure on me) or because I’m religious (I’m really not), I only date Jewish women because I find them more attractive than average, more intelligent than average, and I feel more comfortable around their families.
The stereotypes about Jewish women being pushy and overweight are really out of date in my experience. I haven’t dated one woman who reminded me of my mother. My mother doesn’t listen to Dave Matthews or drive a Japanese car. Nor is my mother obsessed with sushi.
Guys like David Seidman live on a different planet as far as I’m concerned.
“As Jews, most of us tend towards the short spectrum in height, are typically dark rather than honey or light & blond haired,”
It’s silly to say that people intermarry because they want to be with a blond or somebody tall. Only one of the Christian spouses in my family has the Nordic look. The rest are neither tall nor blond, in fact, two of them are very short.
To counter one stereotype with another, consider all the Jewish men who go for Asians.
I applaud this guy for not apologizing for being the self-proclaimed nebish that he is, but the sad truth for him is that he IS undesirable. He’s undesirable to Jewish women the same way the “Real Housewives of New York City” wannabes out there are undesirable to Jewish guys.
I’d advise him to continue not apologizing for being “bad,” and to do something to make himself good.
I’m a good man. Unfortunately I also have bad breath & I’m highly flatulant. And when I say “highly flatulant” I mean EXTREMELY flatulant.
stereotypes have long plagued Jewish men and women, which could be why so many of them are still single. granted, the thought of dating someone who conjures of images of annoying relatives (or Jerry Seinfeld or Fran Drescher) is a little scary. but as we know, not everyone is like that. perhaps if people chucked their dating checklists, there wouldn’t be so many complaints from people wondering why they can’t find anyone.
and no, Woody Allen did not invent the stereotype of Jewish men who go for Asian women. he simply amplified it. though i’m assuming any sane Jewish man who dates or marries an Asian woman is not going after someone who bears the title of “adopted stepdaughter.”