Group therapy in a blog.
“Friends With Benefits”: A Commentary on Modern Love?
Of all the JDaters Anonymous posts I’ve written, the one that keeps getting found (and commented on) is the one I wrote in early 2006, right before I boarded a singles cruise to the Caribbean. (Perhaps I was subconsciously hoping I’d find someone on the boat…)
“Friends With Benefits” (imported from the days when I was still over at Blogger–see here for an additional nine comments that don’t appear on this site), remains a fascinating concept because it’s not about random sexual encounters with strangers…in an age when we’re looking for love and companionship, and as many say, “a best friend I can go through life with,” people find friendship and friskiness in the same person. They’re attracted to the personality, and to the sexual animal, and yet, don’t want to have a relationship with them.
Forget the people who don’t want to be in a relationship, period, with anyone. Commitment-phobes are also out. And habitual users of the drug known as casual sex or one-night stands aren’t what we’re talking about here. But people who are actively dating, involved in the process and the quest for someone to build a life with, and regularly sleeping with someone else whom they care about and whose company they enjoy? Why not try a relationship with such a person? Isn’t that what they’re looking for, someone they care for and attracted to? I mean look…we’ve all seen the episodes of “Friends”: it was FWB first for Monica and Chandler (and a lot of alcohol), and then they fell. Is that what people are subconsciously looking for when they enter a FWB situation, that it will progress beyond the defined limits into something more meaningful?
This topic continues to fascinate me, and I’m particularly interested, as always, in how this phenomenons exists (or doesn’t) in the Jewish world. But in a larger sense, what does this kind of arrangement mean about modern love? Does this emerge from a culture of infinite personalization? Since we can tailor our computer desktops and programs by going to the “Options” menu, do we expect to do the same thing with our love lives?
Do we feel empowered by the freedoms of the “Sex and the City” generation, and feel like we should be pursuing sex first, relationships later? And are people in FWB scenarios, who are still theoretically “looking for the one,” just fooling themselves and their non-FWB dates?
What other comments does the popularity of “Friends With Benefits” make on modern love??
As someone who’s never had an FWB, I did once date a girl who who wasn’t much of a friend, nor did she provide benefits freely. But from what I’ve witnessed amongst friends, the FWB, or F-buddy thing is for people who don’t have much more than a sexual connection. Each buddy may think the other is really cool to hang with and, of course, to screw, but there’s something lacking that prevents the relationship from moving to the next level – different religions/ backgrounds, education/income levels, etc.
Thanks Esther, The comment thread back there was certainly interesting! I think it’s a trend, I’ve got my suspicions why, but it’s not exactly ‘new’ either. I’m not certain what it might say about ‘modern love’ except in some places, few people think they can afford the time, expense or the emotional ‘bother’ of dating anymore. But a lot of this is in how people want to describe what’s going on too. Plenty of people do & have dated without intending to marry. In a ‘liberated age’ this may be the same as a FWB. Your mileage will vary with the participants, speed, involvement, and vehicles of understanding! Cheers, ‘VJ’
Thanks for weighing in, guys. I guess part of making a FWB situation work is having clear expectations of and from both parties. And given that I’ve seen men and women communicate very ineffectively in most cases, I guess I’m not real optimistic that this kind of an arrangement is ever as mutual as it may seem.
Well yes & no on that score Esther. Men & women communicate poorly at times all over the place, sometimes even especially in intimate relationships like marriages too. There’s many a married couple that people just look at & want to scream: ‘How do they do it?’ Then: ‘Why?’ And then back to ‘How??’ And Repeat… Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
I agree with marc. Rarely do you have two people that gel really well on a non-physical level – so much so that they could date – and also on a physical level and end up as merely FWBs. Ive had numerous women with whom I shared a mutual physical attraction and a flirty friendship, yet we didnt have enough of an intellectual or other nonphysical connection to make us want to establish something more or different. Just because two people are physically attracted and think the other is coll/fun to hang out with doesnt a real mature relationship make.
friends with benefits rarely works. As you stated, often FWB becomes more. Unfortunately, it become more for one party when the other party doesn’t want more. ie. someone gets hurt
In my experience FWB can work for a time if
a) You live in different cities and agree that long distance is out of the question. But if you happen to be at the same place at the same time…. great! ( i have had arrangements like this a few times)
b) You live in the same city, but both of your jobs are so insane that you really don’t have time for anything else.
This is sort of a tangent, but one of the problems i have with the dating scene is the pressure to decide after one date whether or not there is chemistry. Often chemistry can build as you get to know a person.