Group therapy in a blog.
“The Rules” Redux?
I was really happy when “The Rules” disappeared. The book, which had espoused what seemed to amount to a plan of playing hard to get, was one of those things that grated: Could it be that simple and calculated, that it was all a game? How do you play a game without playing with your or other people’s emotions? How could there be a game if everyone is playing by different rules? Perhaps “The Rules” book was trying to codify those rules. But if only women read it, then all it achieves is feeding the stereotype that women are playing games.
But if it wasn’t a game to begin with, it is now. The dating book industry has made it just that.
In case the boxes of books I gave away or stored when I moved or the dating-related volumes I still receive in the mail (most recent title: “Saying No to Naked Women,” published by A Healthy Relationship Press and according to its PR, a “new anti-pornographic novel that raises critical issues for the Jewish community”) weren’t an indicator, I recently went to a buck-a-book store to make my bookshelves seem less lonely, and found a whole new bunch of titles that I hadn’t seen: Engaging Men, Date Like a Man, and The Idiot’s Guide to Interfaith Relationships. (I haven’t read any of them yet, and the total impact so far is that I am now $3 poorer.)
Here’s what I think. If you want a game plan, you can create one to follow. If you need rules to keep you focused, great. But be aware that not everyone is playing by the same rules, and even if they’re in what seems like the same game, they might be operating with an entirely different scoring system. While it might be difficult at times, or seem insensitive, maybe honesty is still the best policy and all the game-playing should be left to those who are getting paid to do it.
Some Biblical wisdom, perhaps? Like “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you?”
Seems simple to me– if you want to be respected, treat people with respect. And you’ll be surrounded by people who want to be, and expect to be, respected.
If you play games and treat people poorly, you’ll end up with people who want to be, and expect to be, treated poorly. In my one-man comedy show “Business School… in About an Hour” I mention that if you treat customers like idiots, pretty soon only idiots will be your customers, because nobody else puts up with being treated like an idiot for long. Seems to me the same idea applies to dating.
The Idiot’s Guide to Interfaith Relationships???
Omig-d, how did they make an entire book out of it? And if this is only the idiot’s guide, is there a longer manual for those who really can’t figure it out? How depressing.
Benji
Hi Esther – I found Date Like a Man to be kind of helpful. Maybe read that one first?
I always thought that the point of “The Rules” was that there *are* rules out there, they are just unacknowledged. I don’t think it’s a way of playing games (at least not philosophically) so much as an acknowledgement that men and women get to the same conclusions in very different ways and you need to step outside your own box.
@PepGiraffe: I think the problem is that all men and all women don’t arrive at the same conclusions. So, as a woman who takes these rules to heart, you may think you’re doing everything right to “catch” your man when, in reality, you’re doing everything wrong for the guy in question.
Not that I am any good at following them, but I found the Rules helpful for the same reason that I found He’s Just Not That Into You helpful–they provide a reality check. No, they may not be all that PC or pretty, but they do appear to be on the mark. Call it tough love, if you will.