Group therapy in a blog.
How to Overcome Sterility and Long-Term Bachelorhood (Without Really Trying)
The “How to Solve the Singles Crisis” discussion takes a new turn with the following advice: Have at least 12 children, do not use birth control, and continue having children after 40. According to Ynet, “This is the formula for overcoming sterility and long-term bachelorhood in the Religious Zionism movement put forth by renowned Rabbi David Batzri.”
Rabbi Batzri, a respected kabbalist and head of Nahar Shalom Yeshiva, participated in a prayer assembly held in the Old City’s Jewish Quarter and at the Western Wall together with about one thousand single women searching for “respectable mating.” Under the title “Women in Wait,” they heard tips for getting themselves out of their distressful situation.
[T]he rabbi asserted that “a girl who wishes to marry must take upon herself already on the first date an obligation to have no less than 12 children.” In addition, he encouraged women to put pressure on one another not to delay pregnancy after getting married and not to wait long in between births.
Maybe I’m not seeing what is obvious to others reading this. But for me, a single woman who is, let’s say, NOT in her early 20s, I can’t see the value of this advice to unmarried women. Is the implication that the reason these women aren’t married is because they go into their dates unwilling to have more than 12 children? Because otherwise, you’re just telling them to do something that’s outside of their control: they can’t get married because they haven’t “taken on the obligation to have no less than 12 children,” and they certainly can’t have children before they’ve gotten married.
This reminds me of Lori Gottlieb’s article titled “Marry Him,” in which she opined (this is my paraphrase – I suggest you read the whole article) that women in their 20s should settle for Mr. Good-Enough so they can have the life they want in their 30s. By the time they reach their 30s, they’re living another situation entirely:
Choosing to spend your life with a guy who doesn’t delight in the small things in life might be considered settling at 30, but not at 35. By 40, if you get a cold shiver down your spine at the thought of embracing a certain guy, but you enjoy his company more than anyone else’s, is that settling or making an adult compromise?
Basically, go back and be in your 20s and make different decisions. If you’re already in your 30s, it’s like the bumper sticker: “If you can read this, you’re too close.”
Batzri’s instruction to women isn’t a solution to sterility, or to “long-term bachelorhood.” Unmarried women aren’t sterile, nor are they responsible for bachelors being bachelors. Perhaps giving a bit of mussar (strongly worded advice) to the bachelors might yield more marriages – and therefore more children – than telling a crowd of women, gathering because they’re desperately desiring of marriage and children, that it’s up to them to change things.
So, do you agree with Lori’s advice? Are there men you dated in your 20s whom you regret rejecting?
I admit that I have been rejected by many women in their early 30s who were not out of my league and who acknowledged that we had a lot in common because of “chemistry.” It’s hurtful to me when this happens, but at the same time I pity them for having such overhigh expectations.
I’m a fairly religious dude and that rabbi’s advice sounds wacko. As long as my future wife is willing to have children(well, not just willing, but desires to) I would be happy. Of course, more than 1 would fit the definition of multiplying more appropriately. I, personally, would like anywhere from 3-6. But am I the one giving birth? Nope. It is a burden, and a blessing, solely for the woman. I would be be grateful to Gd, and my wife, for giving me(us)any children at all.
Anonymous, while I believe it’s in our best interests to be open-minded at all stages of the dating process, after careful assessment of that fairly short list, I can say – no, there’s no one I dated in my 20s who would have been the right match. Whether “the right match” is a mythical construct remains to be seen, but I believe that there are appropriate matches out there.
Tim, glad you agree that your future wife has a say in how many children. Because while men do make a vital, um, contribution to the process, really, pregnancy and childbirth physically change women.
I think any guy who heard on a first date (or fourth date) that I wanted 12 children would run like hell. That sounds like a way to keep all of us single.
Secondly, there are some men I dated in my 20s I would have married, but they didn’t like me. (Well, as more than friends.) I’m nice but not beautiful. I finally found the man of my dreams at 36. We started trying to get pregnant at 37 and I’ve had a few miscarriages. I’m almost 40 now. What would the idiot rabbi say about that? Maybe if he’s got 12 kids he can lend me a few. What does he think of women who are infertile or have PCOS or endometriosis in his community…would that couple be ashamed?
Rabbi Batzri also said (paraphrasing here) that women shouldn’t let more than two years go by without a pregnancy and that if a doctor advises against that, he/she is just a fool. Scary!
@Anonymous: As a woman who has tried to have relationships with men when chemistry was lacking, I can say that it’s much better to be single than to try to make a relationship work without it, or at least it is for me. A kind of companionate love might grow without attraction, but I find that most men want women to feel passionate about them, as well. Would you really want to be in a relationship with a woman who wasn’t crazy about you, who had to resign herself to being with you because she wasn’t really in love?