Esther Kustanowitz

Attention Online Daters of America:

Cliches are the worst of the worst. They are sins whose names we dare not speak. They are our own worst enemies, our fair-weather friends who seem to comfort until they stab us in the back, the traitors. They are the evil that lives after us. They are the bane of our existence, as they strip us of personality and individuality until we are insipid and undistinctive, people who love to laugh, who work hard and play hard, and whose family is very important to us. We must rid ourselves of these evildoers, because if they give us enough rope, we will surely hang ourselves.

I know what you’re thinking: “Esther, I’m no professional writer…how do I know if I’m using a cliche?” Don’t worry, boys and girls. Clichefinder is here. Type in a word and it will generate a list of cliches using that word. If it shows up on the site, it shouldn’t show up in your profile.

Of course, nothing’s set in stone when it comes to using Clichefinder. But well-begun is half done. And if you find yourself spinning your wheels, stuck between a rock and a hard place for language, and you suspect you might have inadvertently used a cliche, feel free to ask me. I’ll give you a piece of my mind (if I can spare it).

Just wanted to share this email I received from a reader of my Jewish Week column.

A DISGUSTED INTERNET SECOND SINGLE DATER (a divorced single mom to a teenage son who started internet dating within the last year) writes:

I recently got my nerve to take the plunge and start to date via an internet service, a Frum site. And boy my experiences, and opinions can fill pages of the Jewish Week! First off by email and telephone conversations- I have been lied to over and over. About if the guys have kids/ I am divorced single mom who wants only a guy who has been married with kids. So I have had guys lie to me that they did not have kids, but they did. I had guys lie about why they are divorced, ask me out after a few months of being either divorced, or widowered. I had been emailed by guys who were in their 20s… I am Baruch Hashem 40 and I don’t date guys younger than 2 years younger than me. I have been emailed by guys who are 65+. I am Modern Orthodox- I have been emailed by Chasidim.

I have no confidence of finding my BASHERT FROM THIS TYPE OF DATING. I DID try this in the winter and spring of 2005/ and I had a few dates- but no one worthy of being a Bashert. I came close twice but the long distance relationship/ and relocation issues would not work for me. I feel that it is easy to make quick rejections of shidduch prospects when things don’t fit right. I have been the dumper as well as the dumpee and the guilt on this is tremendous!

After I asked if I could reprint her comments here, she agreed and added the following about her experience.

I am so glad that I am not alone in feeling this way- I originally thought it had to do with my baggage of my divorce, and my recent broken engagement- that all these wounds prevented me from finding my Bashert through that internet dating! That is what I have been told by the few lucky ones who found their spouses on these sites. But I have an acquaintance who found her husband on one site and she had a lot of baggage from her divorce- worse than me/ and had more kids, and years married at the time of her sudden divorce- so I thought if she had Mazel why not me? But the internet dating is not cracked up to what it advertises. I have weeded out the garbage excuse my directness on this- and I do it via the emails and telephone- I don’t even chance the date at all lately–if something does not feel right, I side on caution and avoid the date like a plague!

And now, the audience interaction portion of our program…

Some might say she’s right to be cautious. Others may call her overly picky. What do you think?

The perfect first JDate call…and by perfect, we mean perfectly hilarious (JDates Gone Wrong)

Here…I’ll give you some topics…

Men have a tougher time than women in the dating process? Discuss… (The Anonymous Blogger)

Hilary’s hair is sooo silky that a JDater “wants to cultivate her society” (Superjux)

Annabel Lee is “ing”ing and someone tells her to get over her own cuteness, as if that were possible (Annabel Lee)

Moxie’s attracted to another man, but doesn’t act on it — readers respond (Moxie)

P-Life asks whether a woman’s declaration of absolute devotion to the spouse she hasn’t met yet is offensive and deameaning (P-Life, Orthodox Bloggers)

C addresses the eternal question (can you be friends with an ex?) and provides a rundown of bloggers (including Klein, Ken, Karol and Cunning) who are opining on the subject (A Picture of Me)

Talk amongst yourselves…

…and that’s how they’re different from me.

New York Magazine is all about sex this week, with a Mating feature containing what appears to have been some sort of drunken columnist round-table that was eventually hijacked by the Washingtonienne, who provided helpful hints from her experience (“when I wrote my book, I got Adderall from my friends, and I was typing like a maniac. And that’s the thing, yeah, that and snorting coke helped me write the book really fast.”) Note taken.

Normally, my sense of jealousy flares up when I’m not invited to columnist bashes or given publicity like other writers. But frankly, I’m glad to have been left out of this one. I just finished reading it at the gym and was a little sickened by it. I try to be tolerant of the choices that people and writers make in their personal and professional lives. But some of these statements just seem like cries for attention writ large and often within this article…

Plus, any of my regular readers know that I write more about trends and less about individuals I’ve dated. That, hopefully, keeps me connected to other people, not just to my own experiences. Of course, keeping “real people” out of the discussion, I hope that I’m being respectful of their privacy. And these women, as entertaining and honest as their writing may be, do that writing at the expense of other people’s privacy.

My writing may suffer because it’s not as honest as these other columnists. As long as my writing lacks their explicit, NC-17 quality, I may never grab the attention of New York magazine. But I think I’ll be okay with that.