Group therapy in a blog.
Esther Kustanowitz
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Posts by Esther Kustanowitz
Equal Time: Enter the Anti-Gump
620 years
Usually, we present the female perspective here on JDaters Anonymous. But I read this article by Matt Lipeles in the Jewish Journal and thought I’d share it with you, in the interest of equal time and for the purpose of discussion.
In the article, titled “The Love Impaired,” Matt writes:
But it really got me to thinking, what is love anyway?
I bet you thought I was going to answer that question, didn’t you? Well, I can’t. That’s the point. I don’t know. I’m 37 and single. I’m a relationship moron. I’m romantically impaired. I don’t know what I’m doing  at all.
(Matt, don’t worry. None of us know what we’re doing. Partially because everyone’s different. And partially because of John Hughes movies and Sex and the City.)
He continues:
But, before we go looking for solutions to this problem, maybe it would be worthwhile to take a look at past generations. Why was it so easy for them anyway? Maybe it was because they had matchmakers and arranged marriages. It used to be that your parents would arrange a match for you and, unless you found your intended completely repulsive, you married them. Boom. Just like that.
So Matt got me to thinking…would it be better/easier/more results-oriented for us to revert to a more antiquated system of relating, dating and mating? Then we could spend our time worrying about things other than dating and emerge from whatever bubbles of insecurity that we’ve been hiding in throughout our dating years…romance could be created within the context of a relationship between two people who are empirically likely to be compatible. Or would you change nothing, and maintain the agita, the slings and arrows, the misunderstood emails, misconstrued IMs and misinterpreted gestures of the dating process?
Your ideas to be discussed here, please…
Good News for the Single Druse
120 years
Welcome to DruzeDate.com. (I know what you’re thinking: “They don’t look Drusish.”)
In a culture distinguished by its privacy and closely guarded traditions, Web sites like DruzeDate.com are revolutionizing the Druse dating scene. The Druse are a small and distinct religious group that broke with Islam about a thousand years ago; their communities are mainly in Lebanon, Syria and northern Israel. Because the Druse do not accept converts, a strong emphasis is placed on self-preservation through marrying within the Druse community.
While DruzeDate.com is the first all-Druse dating site, there is evidence that Druse singles have been using the Internet as a dating tool for years. A quick look at the message board of the American Druze Society in Washington, DC (www.adsdchouse.com), shows personal ads being posted on the message board as early as 2000. While most of the ads list the typical requirements – apparently “nice face” and “slimness” play an equally important role in the American Druse community as in the general American one – many ads rant about the “closed-ness” of the Druse community. “Druse girls are impossible to date,” wrote one frustrated user. “They expect so much and think they can be so picky. I am going to give up on them soon, and start dating white chicks!”
That whole construct of men wanting women to have nice faces and be slim while complaining that it’s the women who are picky? Sounds awfully familiar to me. I really wonder how many of these complaints are universal dating issues, how many are indigenous to strongly affiliated tribal cultures, and how many are 21st century societally impacted.
Where the Pets Go
520 years
So, we all knew that there was an online dating site for everyone under the sun, with every conceivable interest. Now, pet lovers can find lovers who love pets and love to pet the pets and their pet-lovers:
Pet-love sites are the latest of the breed. AnimalAttraction–“the meeting place for pet owners”–says it is reaching out to the estimated 40 million people in the United States who walk their dogs or curl up with their cats alone. Meanwhile, at SingleDogOwners.com, a site with about 400 subscribers, Bruno the Chihuahua greets singles with the site’s motto: “Date me, date my dog.”
Not to be confused with “Date me, even though I’m a dog.” Just sayin’.
Hat tip: Chicago Tribune
The More You Know, JDaters Anonymous-style
820 years
A friend wrote me yesterday about a friend of hers. I’d file this under “Be Careful” and “The More You Know.” And just to clarify, I’m not saying that this kind of thing only happens on JDate. It just pays to be careful.
Last week a friend went on a JDate. It was a her first date with the guy. He took her to dinner and a bar. He walked her home and asked to use her bathroom. She let him up and he proceeded to brutally rape her. The DA is working on the case so I can’t reveal much but I do want to warn you. His name is Devon or Devin, he’s 33 and lives in Brooklyn. Apparently his profile is still up but I don’t know what it is. Please be careful and don’t let anyone up to your apartment if you do not know him!
April 6, Rants & Raves, 7pm (JCC of Manhattan)
220 years
For readers in the New York area:
REMINDER–APRIL 6, 7pm JCC of Manhattan (Upper West Side)
“J-Dating in NYC”
Rants & Raves dating discussion
moderated by JDaters Anonymous proprietress Esther D. Kustanowitz
$10 members/$15 nonmembers (includes wine and discussion)
Program description: It started with JDate and now we’ve got Jmerica, JKarma, JSoulMate and JGreat. Raise your hand if you need a break! Join a group of other 20- and 30-somethings for some ranting and raving about dating, living and loving in New York City. New York Jewish Week singles columnist, Esther D. Kustanowitz, who knows this terrain, will moderate. She is proprietress of two blogs, My Urban Kvetch and JDaters Anonymous. BYOD (bring your own dinner) and we’ll provide the wine!
Old Program Code: RANTS/JYOW5
Click the above link to register, or just show up at the door.
Hope to see you there!
CoolSJF’s IM chat From Hell
1520 years
CoolSJF (a pseudonym), a longtime reader of JDaters Anonymous, writes:
I’ve been a non-paying member of jdate for a couple years now and a friend finally convinced me to pay for a month. Believe me, I’m regretting it…. Please see the below, very upsetting IM conversation iIhad with a jdater. I wish there were some way to have him blacklisted. Maybe I should contact Jdate?? What are your thoughts? Should I do anything or just forget about it?
[J.A. note: all names have been changed. Some offensive language–and tons of offensive typos– follows.]
weirdosjm: hi
coolsjf: yo
weirdosjm: whats up beutiful
coolsjf: not much. i wish itwere a beautiful day out like it was on monday
weirdosjm: i know right
coolsjf: i know we’ve chatted b4, but will u remind me where we met / what your profile is?
weirdosjm: jdate, IMmeNow
coolsjf: aha that’s rigth
weirdosjm: good
weirdosjm: remember i liked ur smile
coolsjf: indeed
weirdosjm: so whats up
coolsjf: just chillin’. still recuperating from the wkd
weirdosjm: i c
weirdosjm: so re we going to get some coffee some time?
weirdosjm: hello?
coolsjf: HA I KNEW IT
coolsjf: sorry wrong IM
weirdosjm: what?
weirdosjm: so r we?
weirdosjm: hello?
coolsjf: well…
coolsjf: the thing is… i’m sort of seeing someone right now
weirdosjm: no ur not
weirdosjm: y r u on jdate then
coolsjf: b/c i just started seeing him
weirdosjm: so it dont mean anything
coolsjf: doesn’t
weirdosjm: so y cant we hang out
coolsjf: things are pretty crazy
weirdosjm: whatever
weirdosjm: alot of girls tellme this nad 2 weeks later they r back on jdate
coolsjf: fine.
coolsjf: well #1 i am seeing someone
coolsjf: #2 i am just not that interested
weirdosjm: ur not seeing nay one
coolsjf: but it’s hard to tell someone that
coolsjf: i am.
weirdosjm: c not interested
weirdosjm: i told u
coolsjf: but it’s 2 reasons
weirdosjm: its ok i’ll put in that category any way
coolsjf: it’s a guy in jersey who has come to the city multiple times to take me out.
coolsjf: and i think it might be going somewhere.
weirdosjm: plus i just looked at ur pic any way
weirdosjm: u think?
weirdosjm: ok n ever mind, ur oic says it all any way
weirdosjm: pic*
weirdosjm: ur probabnly a virgin any way
coolsjf: so now you are resorting to insulting me?
coolsjf: sheesh.
weirdosjm: and not clean shaved
coolsjf: like that would be a character flaw even if it were true.
coolsjf: come on.
weirdosjm: yup
coolsjf: take rejection like a man.
weirdosjm: i c u have no experince
weirdosjm: u call that a rejection?
weirdosjm: u really have no experince
weirdosjm: no wonder ur on the site
coolsjf: i am a very fun social girl with a lot of friends and no lack of interested guys.
weirdosjm: thats ur problem
coolsjf: read it again.
coolsjf: try to comprehend.
coolsjf: where did you go? YU?
weirdosjm: hell no
coolsjf: or a technical school that doesn’t actually award bachelor degrees?
weirdosjm: i am getting my licensce soon and wil make more than people with masters
coolsjf: license
coolsjf: but at least they can spell
coolsjf: and come across as competent, intelligent and caring.
weirdosjm: its a c omputer moran
coolsjf: moron
weirdosjm: i’m chatting with 6 people
coolsjf: mazel tov
weirdosjm: 
thanks bitch
coolsjf: so let’s stop talking. it’s a waste of my time.
weirdosjm: ur time?
weirdosjm: ok cunt go
weirdosjm: and some advise change t he pic on ur profile
coolsjf: ADVICE
coolsjf: why? ’cause i dont’ wear make-up? ’cause i’m honest about what i’m like?
weirdosjm: no its more than that
coolsjf: don’t worry. i’ve attracted guys who i’m interested in
weirdosjm: i’m sure u have that y ur on it every day
coolsjf: i’m not going to stoop to insulting you, but your profile is nothing to brag about (pictures and content)
coolsjf: actually i’m not,but even if it were true, how would you know it? it would mean that YOU’RE on every day
weirdosjm: u know how many emails i get everyday
weirdosjm: and its STOP
weirdosjm: not stoop
coolsjf: no it’s STOOP, you imbecile. look it up in a dictionary.
weirdosjm: i am on every day the more pussy the better
coolsjf: i’m not going to STOOP to insulting you.
weirdosjm: u can keep goin
coolsjf: stoop as in bend down, get so low and pathetic as to do something.
coolsjf: that’s the literal definition. the way i used it was figurative.
weirdosjm: good so go teach then
coolsjf: why don’t you go on craig’s list if all you want is action ?
weirdosjm: i hope this guy see’s ur on jdate everyday
coolsjf: SEES
weirdosjm: whats craigs list
weirdosjm: ?
coolsjf: oh here you go. please leave jdate forever. go to newyork.craigslist.org — they have personals sections. it’s all free. you can go to “casual encounters.” it seems like it’s more your speed.
weirdosjm: k thanks
coolsjf: oh check it. there’s a website called f*ckbuddies.com. just what you need. it’s for slimey losers who can’t find a real relationship.
weirdosjm: i dont do that stuff those people arent clean
coolsjf: and you are? when were you last tested? given that you say: “i am on every day the more pussy the better”
Previous message was not received by weirdosjm because of error: User weirdosjm is not available.
Momo Lifshitz Wants to Pay for Your Wedding…
120 years
…that is, if you and your intended meet on a birthright Israel trip.
When Shlomo “Momo” Lifshitz [head of Oranim, a tour provider for birthright], finds himself in front of young American Jews taking part in his educational tour of Israel, including some from the Tampa area, the plump, balding man doesn’t hesitate. He welcomes them with a simple message: Marry Jewish and “make Jewish babies.” And he’s willing to pitch in to make it happen. “If you meet your husband or wife on this trip, I will pay for your wedding and honeymoon,” he promised a group of more than 100 young adults from the United States.
Some people on the trip found it endearing, but for some participants, “the matchmaking was too much. They joked that organizers were “trying to get us pregnant on the bus.”
Now there’s an image.
Who’s in? What? You can’t go to Israel with birthright because you’ve already been there? Or you can’t get away from your life for that long? Perhaps a Jewlicious conference is more your speed….you’re in luck! Click the button under “Cool Ads” for more info…
A Bouncing Baby Blog
120 years
Ken Wheaton’s “Nondating Life” series is often quoted here at J.A. and is truly the “Cheers” for the single daters (where everyone knows your name). Well, now he has Frasiered…that is, he has spun the series off to a new blog.
Read Ken’s instaclassics from the beginning of the series, and keep up with his thoughts as he adds them…
And tell him Esther sent you!
I Found a Jewish Single Guy!!
120 years
But he lives in Damascus. Alas.
So Sami’s a little bit geographically undesirable. But it’s not like he lives in Brooklyn, or anything dreadful like that…and we’d have lots in common: he comes from a family of matchmakers, I attended a workshop for matchmakers. He’s the deputy head of the Jewish community, I’m the unofficial Mayor of the Jewish Friends Zone. I just finished watching the DVDs of Firefly, a space western, and his region is regularly pelted by sandstorms.
The problem? He doesn’t seem to know how to communicate. His instant messager is always set to “Away,” so I never know when he’s online, screening his IMs, or if he’s just not around. Plus, there’s that whole “I’m the last single Jew in the country thing” that gives off both elitism and desperation simultaneously. And that’s my issue, learning to deal with that…
What do you think? Can this relationship be saved?
(Hat tip: Jewlicious)
How You Got Here
320 years
I’m shameless, stealing the name of this post from Superjux. But hopefully, she’ll still let me sleep on her floor when I’m in California next month.
People who shouldn’t be on jdate
What a great idea. There should totally be a list. Maybe people who post pictures of other people in their profile (for instance, Smith from Sex and the City…I mean, duh…I know that’s not you), or someone who asks a woman’s cup size during the first IM conversation, or anyone who is “just as comfortable in a cocktail dress as I am in jeans relaxing around the house.†Anyone else you’d nominate (no names, please; just “typesâ€Â) for inclusion on such a list?
Frum dating stories
“We met in a hotel lobby. All around us, bustling bellboys bore bags. I sipped my diet Coke with lemon, raptly listening to his account of the Siyum HaShas. And as I saw myself reflected in his glasses, I felt Hashem reveal my destiny: I was going to make Shabbes for him.â€Â
Wingwoman
Always helps to have one. Unless you’re a woman, and your wingwoman is more attractive than you. Then you’re screwed. (See also, “Esther’s College Years.â€Â)
Shomer kashrut
Because as all J.A. readers know, kashrut news can best be gleaned from blogs about dating.
Friend zone test
Which of these sentences describes you?
A) You like someone. He makes you feel every way you’re supposed to feel, from the way he looks at you, to the laughs you have together. You feel the connection physically, even when he’s not touching you. But he is always dating someone else, and doesn’t seem to look at you “that way.â€Â
B) People describe you as “an awesome person,†“a good guy,†or “a cool gal.â€Â
To calculate your results, review your answers. If you picked A, you are in the Friend Zone. If you picked B, you are also in the Friend Zone. Recommended course of action: Quit the gym and eat what you want. (Might I suggest pizza, cheese fries and a regular Coke followed by a pint of Ben and Jerry’s new Chocolate Therapy ice cream?)
Dutch men’s fear of commitment
I had no idea that Dutch men feared commitment. But it makes sense, what with the wooden shoes and all.
Jdate IM free
Believe me, sweetie, even when it’s free, it’s never free. You know what I mean.
Married men Jdate
Luckily, they’ve not found me yet. Maybe if I’m still single in ten years, I’ll be more openminded, but for now, I’m gonna have to tell the espoused to hit the internet pavement.
Drunk people opening feelings
One thing’s certain. When drunk people open feelings, they should definitely “point away from face.â€Â