Group therapy in a blog.
Esther Kustanowitz
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Posts by Esther Kustanowitz
LOVE, BEYOND CATEGORIES
020 years
Forget the copepods in tap water, wigs made in India, ordination of women or gays, or whether a person’s political slant is a little more “blue†or “red.†These days, no matter what your denomination, there’s always someone who will find your practice unacceptable. On the singles circuit, religious deal-breakers abound: from taking the elevator to your Shabbat dinner on the 24th floor to observing prohibitions against women singing in public, it often seems that there are more reasons to be combative than there are to be compatible.
My newest Jewish Week singles article is online for your reading pleasure.
Enjoy!
BANGOR COLUMNIST ON BEING SINGLE FOR THE HOLIDAYS
120 years
The Bangor Daily News’ Jessica Bloch share her experience being single for the holidays, and how to decrease the loneliness that often accompanies the season. (I personally blame New Year’s Eve, which she doesn’t specifically address, but I guess there’s still time for that.)
HOW DO YOU WRAP A BOYFRIEND?
220 years
The Rocky Mountain News provides this feature on how to survive the loneliness of the holiday season. (See, it’s a theme today.)
One of the people they interview is Rachel Greenwald, the author of Find a Husband After 35 – Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. Those of you who have been paying close attention will remember her name and this title from my recap of the Washington 14 Conference in March. Although her advice isn’t awful, I can’t imagine following her suggestion:
She advises singles to make lunch or coffee dates with six friends and ask for a gift: a blind date with someone they know.
Call me crazy, but I’m not convinced that blind dates are a present. They’re awkward, and seldom as fun as, say, TiVo, or health insurance. Plus, there’s the whole tricky wrapping element. But despite my skepticism, I’m open. As the famous saying goes, “Never look a gift date in the mouth. Unless you’re a dentist. Because then it’s your job.”
COULDA BEEN A PROPHET
220 years
If only The Jewish Week had printed the column I submitted this week, I could have looked like a trend-setting prophet. It was all about how people label themselves as Jews, especially within the online dating context, pointing out that some JDaters who opt to describe themselves as “Unaffiliated” are actually not even Jewish to begin with.
But of course, my column was bumped due to advertising space needs and this small-town paper called the New York Times beat me to it. (Not to quibble over who’s climbing on whose bandwagon here, but…) Apparently, those Jew-seeking daters are hoping to find a stereotypically nice Jewish girl or boy…and doing quite well for themselves. Don’t we all wish we could say the same?
The column should appear next week, when it will appear that I’m basing my article on the one that appeared in tomorrow’s Times.
You, gentle readers, will know the truth.
(And thanks to the person who gave me the Anonymous tip on the article.)
SEMI-SWEET SIXTEEN PHOTOS
220 years
I do a lot of complaining about what men put in their JDate profiles. I’m harsh sometimes, but I don’t name names, which I hope creates a learning experience for these poor gents.
Equal time to the guys, now. Here’s Todd with his list of 16 weird photo things women do in their JDate profiles. He points out how some of these items are indicators of red flags, like having no picture.
I have to say…men do this stuff too. But Todd knows that.
ONLINE ROMANCE CRIME ON THE RISE
020 years
File this under “forewarned is forearmed.”
The article quotes the president of an organization called WHOA (Working to Halt Online Abuse):
“We see up to 50 victims of online harassment/stalking each week,” Jayne Hitchcock, president of WHOA states. “Some of these have had the unfortunate experience of meeting someone online, whether via an online dating service, chat room or personal ad, and have had a negative experience. So far, these victims (both men and women) have not had their lives taken as a result, or been physically abused, and we were able to stop the online harassment before it escalated to such a point. Putting a disclaimer on a Web site stating whether or not they provide a marital and/or criminal background check is a very simple solution and much easier than requiring every online dating service to do these checks. This then leaves a man or woman the option of joining that service, knowing what they can expect. And it could save their life.”
The call to action was issued by TRUE, “the only online relationship service that actively seeks to further protect the safety of its communicating members by conducting extensive criminal background screenings. ”
BBC PRESENTS: “ROMANCE ACADEMY”
120 years
According to Harrow Times:
Britain has the highest numbers of sexually transmitted diseases and teenage pregnancies in Europe, while Harrow has some of the highest in London.
I did not know that. Britain? Really? Too much Coupling, I guess. (As if there could be too much of such a great show…”Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…”)
Amid this climate of promiscuity and teen sex, the BBC have commissioned a new documentary series, to be set in Harrow, encouraging youngsters to “try abstinence”.
First of all, they’re calling it a documentary, but I’m thinking it’s more like a reality show. Like “Amish in the City,” but it’s really “Abstinent in England.” I wonder what the slogan for abstinence will be. “Relax: Don’t Do It” seems very inappropriate, considering the original thematic of that Frankie Goes To Hollywood song.
The series will follow a group of 15-18-year-olds to see if they can go five months without sex. Dubbed Romance Academy, the unusual show will urge the teens to practise celibacy and encourage them try old fashioned dating rituals.
Let’s set aside the fact that there are apparently 15-18 year-olds who are sex addicts. I don’t think we had those in my high school. How does one practice celibacy? Very carefully. If you practice Judaism, you engage in Jewish rituals and customs. What are the customs of celibacy? Is abstention from an act an act itself? Old-fashioned rituals may include going to airports and hotel lobbies on your dates and attending singles dances where a wall of plants separates the men from the women. Or so I’ve heard.
TRENDS IN JDATE PROFILES
020 years
I suspect that this will be a recurring series, much like H’s new feature, “JDate Email of the Day.” Which was upgraded from “JDate Email of the Week.” Which was upgraded from “JDate Email of the Month.” There’s just so much material there…
In the past month or so on JDate, I have noticed some trends in profile contents that I’d like to share. Maybe you can help corroborate my observations, explain them, expound upon them or otherwise proffer an opinion.
This is the first in this series.
“I’m a very laid-back guy” /”I’m very easy-going”
I don’t know what it is, but all of a sudden, all guys seem to have the term “laid-back” as self-descriptors in the first sentence of their profiles. I’m not saying it’s good or bad. I’m saying I don’t get it.
What qualities does the “laid-back” guy possess? That he’s “casual” or “easygoing”? Is the opposite “tightly wound” (in which case “laid-back” would be a good thing) or lazy (which would be bad)? Does he mean that nothing rattles him? That his apathy or indifference is boundless? That he never has an opinion about anything? How can anyone be completely “laid-back,” in an era where the current cover of New York Magazine exhorts: “TERROR: WHY HAVEN’T WE BEEN HIT AGAIN?” (subtitle: “Reasons to Feel Safe…And Scared”)
I just keep seeing this phrase, over and over again. And it’s always in the intro sentence. That actually grates on me more than anything else about the phrase…that the first thing they want you to know about them is that they’re easy-going or laid-back. Which, as we’ve already covered, I don’t find to be all that descriptive.
I know. I’m a little nutso when it comes to language. I don’t have to date Strunk and White. (Oh, the bad English major references.) Or William Safire, for that matter. I just believe that whoever is out there for me can make a compelling case for himself in writing. I’m even willing to relax about his spelling. But your profile is your opportunity to impress the people in your dating pool–why not take that chance? Use your words, boys.
GOTHAMIST DISCOVERS BLAIRE
020 years
Of course, if you’re a JDaters Anonymous reader, we all discovered her months ago.
Here’s Gothamist’s interview with Blaire Allison, Spinster. (Disclaimer: I maintain that 27 is not a spinster. A girl’s gotta believe she’s not past her prime just because she’s reached an arbitrary age marker…)
NOW, THIS IS ENCOURAGING
520 years
[That was sarcasm, people.]
Sometimes online dating can be…murrrrder. [Insert evil laugh here.]
I know it’s not funny. I just don’t deal with “downer news” that well. (Yes, 2001 was a difficult year. Actually, which year hasn’t been a difficult year?)
Internet Romance Ends in Murder for Memphis Woman
There are a number of web sites that make it easy for many people to find love on-line. That’s apparently what 43 year-old Linda White, who lived in Memphis with her parents, thought she had found. However, less than a year after meeting Craig Musso on-line, and moving to upstate New York, the relationship ended with Linda White’s death.
“This is an unusual circumstance, this case,” says Wayne County, NY Sheriff Richard Pisciotti.
Police in New York say White was strangled to death by her new husband. There is no word on Musso’s motive. All that is known is that the Internet brought these two people together. White and Musso met face-to-face for the first time in Memphis, after Musso caught a bus to town. That meeting followed an eight-month relationship on-line. The two were married in Memphis almost immediately.
Linda White’s neighbors say that was her first mistake.
“You should get to know that person personally, before you marry them,” says Frank Benson. Criminologist Richard Janikowski agrees, but says Craig Musso may be just another predator using a computer to capture his prey.
“The Internet is used for all kinds of things, unfortunately,” says Janikowski.
Unfortunately for Linda White, true love may have been just a trick. Janikowski says it’s a lesson for other potentially lovelorn adults.
“There are all kinds of predators out there, and adults need to protect themselves, especially women,” says Janikowski.
I share this because knowledge is power. And we must be vigilant, pay heed to the red flags wherever they are. It’s not quite the imperative to “trust no one,” but certainly, we need to proceed cautiously.
And gentlemen, if you’re offended because women seem reluctant to get involved with you for whatever reason, just be patient, and understand where we’re coming from. Of course, not every Internet contact is a potential murderer, but we have to not let our desire to connect with someone, and our yearning to have romance sweep us away, blind us to a more basic danger.
File this under “For What It’s Worth.”