Group therapy in a blog.
Esther Kustanowitz
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Posts by Esther Kustanowitz
“THE MIDDOS TOUCH”
020 years
I understand where the editor was going with this title, but it’s a little too gimmicky for my taste, plus I think it doesn’t exactly work with the issue covered by the article. And, I put in a reference to the “meet-cute,” which is a movie term for the device that gets the two leads together in romantic comedies, which was apparently changed to “meet cute people.” Not exactly the same, but whatever.
That said, I offer my latest Jewish Week singles column. First paragraph is below–to read the article in its entirety, click on the title below.
(11/17/2004)
The Middos Touch
Esther D. Kustanowitz
“I’m looking for a girl with good middos,†the yeshiva boys of my youth would say. The teachers beamed, proud that their students were looking for girls with strong values  family, respect, and modesty. Problem is, nine times out of 10, those boys were punning on the Hebrew word middot, which also translates as measurements  as in 36-24-36. They were looking for a woman with curves in all the right places, and none of the wrong ones. Hearing this, the girls experienced a nagging feeling, as clear as writing on a Babylonian wall, that they had been judged and had been found wanting.
ONLINE DATERS WANTED FOR DOCUMENTARY
020 years
If any of you do this, I would love to hear about your experience…
I found this on a casting call notice I received from a group called Film in the City.
Seeking on-line daters to participate in an independent documentary about the search for love via the internet. Initial on-camera interview will be about internet dating and his/her definition of love and what they are looking for. If the person is amenable, I would be interested in following him/her on a few dates. Cecile Bouchardeau, Producer/Director/Writer, Magic House Productions http://www.magichouseproductions.com/ Cecile@nyc.rr.com.
DATING SERVICE OR NAZI PLOT?
020 years
Now that’s a game show I’d like to see. (Easy, Spike TV. Down boy.)
But seriously, folks. Thanks to the folks at Jewlicious for bringing this new hoax to JA’s attention.
I can’t say it enough, people. If it sounds too outrageous (counties hit by Florida hurricanes voted for Bush…is this divine retribution?) or too good (just forward this email to 100 of your friends and Bill Gates will give you a free computer and a trip to Disney World and a gift certificate to the GAP) to be true, it probably is. Check with your friends at Snopes, and they’ll help you out.
Just ask My Urban Kvetch…she knows.
CALLING ALL ASTROLOGERS…
120 years
Sometimes, on JDate, I like to see “who’s online.” I designate an age range and off I go, whisked away to a land of (presumably) available, (presumably) Jewish men. Per visit, I view approximately 40 pictures and opening lines, only seldom am I inspired by a smile or a sentence to click to the profile in its entirety.
And here’s where it gets spooky.
With only one or two exceptions, all of the “who’s online” profiles I have clicked on for the past three visits have been Geminis. I am also a Gemini. Last week, in a 24-hour period, I “met” via IM two different people whose birthday is the day before mine. Yet, I have never dated a Gemini. What does that mean? Amateur astrologers and non-believers alike welcome to contribute to the discussion.
SUPERFICIAL
120 years
I’m really at a loss for words. OK, so I’m not at a loss for words exactly. I guess I’m just not really wanting to dignify a Craig’s List posting like this one with a diatribe about men’s sometimes-piggishly superficial tendencies or a pontification on what women’s attributes are prized or lionized in this community.
So great to know this guy is available, though. (And FWIW, the original Craig’s List post has been removed. Thanks, Craig!)
Via Defamer.
“MATCHMAKER, MATCHMAKER…”
120 years
Thanks for singing along with me on that one. I do appreciate the harmony.
Hello there, and welcome to my article about Sunday’s shidduch (match) conference.
Were you there? Had you been in the past? Have you ever used a matchmaker? Weigh in with your observations here.
ADVENTURES IN JDATE INSTANT MESSAGING
520 years
[As usual, the names have been changed to protect the potentially sketchy.]
A 35-year-old British guy IMs me, we chat pleasantly for a few minutes. Then, this (my comments bracketed in italics):
BRITISHGUY>: what are your figures?
ME>: what do you mean? [He can’t really mean what I think he means, can he?]
BRITISHGUY>: your statistics? [Statistics? You mean “9 out of 10 freelancers starve in their first year on their own”? Is he asking me my salary? He can’t really mean what I think he means, can he???]
ME>: i’m still not getting you.
BRITISHGUY>: your waist size, inside leg size etc
ME>: are you for real? [Inside leg size? Just ponder that one for a while. Either he’s asking for the circumference of my thigh (!!!) or he wants to know what size the muscles and viscera inside my leg are. In either case, that is literally the first time I’ve heard that one.]
BRITISHGUY>: why?
ME>: why would you need to know that?
BRITISHGUY>: just interested that’s all.
ME>: i don’t know how things work in the UK, but the only time that’s an acceptable question in the US is if you are a tailor who is making me a suit.
BRITISHGUY>: hypothetically, what eould you do then if a guy you were seeing asked then
ME>: i don’t know a single guy (who i would consider dating) who would ask something like that outside of a tailor context. And I don’t know any women who even would have carried on this conversation after you asked. [In fact, why am I still here? Insatiable curiosity, I guess…]
BRITISHGUY>: i apologise
BRITISHGUY>: changing the topic–what do you think of bush being elected
ME>: not happy, but have no choice
BRITISHGUY>: yes you do
ME>: what?
BRITISHGUY>: nice chatting with u goodbye
Moral of the story: In England, it is okay for a man to ask a woman for the circumference of her thighs and waist, even if that man is NOT a tailor or a beltmaker. However, it is not okay for a woman to express her dissatisfaction with political leadership. What a country!
NOT BRAXTON-HICKS, MYERS-BRIGGS
020 years
The former is false labor/contractions, sometimes experienced by pregnant women late in their pregnancies.
The latter is apsychological typing system (MBTI-Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), which is the mechanism for the latest entry into the field of online dating, Jewish Types.
Aryeh, co-founder of both this site and the extremely helpful JRant, writes:
The system helps you identify your MBTI type aswell as the type you are attracted to. The system then matches you with a person that fits your attraction type but also satisfies the requirement they you happen to be also be their attraction type. I personally think that this site can be extremely revolutionary as to how people are matched up. The fact is, that even if you aren’t attracted to the person the site sends you, you will nevertheless feel an instant connection and feel comfortable with the other person because not only do you inherently like their type, they inherently like yours! So whether you walk away with a true soulmate or not, you should definitely walk away making some really close friends.
There is no cost to join, but if you don’t know your type, it could take a half hour or so to determine what type you are, and to which type you are attracted. It took me a while to determine that I’m probably an ENFP (Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling Perceiver) attracted to an ESFP (Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling Perceiver). I say probably because I felt some of the choices I was given in order to determine those letters were too close to call. You’ll see what I mean when you take the test.
If you have feedback for Aryeh, feel free to share it with him. If you have a great experience, share it with J.A.
JA POTPOURRI
020 years
Mmmmm. J.A. Potpourri smells nice.
If you’re not too busy waiting for my new interview with Stacy R. from The Apprentice to appear in the Jewish Week, you might want to check out these sites for dating-related musings, trends and topics:
He’s Her Lobster…
Jack’s Shack does the math for you, and provides you with a topic that, if employed correctly, will drive single women crazy. Personally, I didn’t think you guys needed suggestions of who to drive single women batty. I thought it just came to you naturally. My bad.
“Taking one for the team, so your buddy can live a dream…wingmaaaan!â€Â
(I do love that Budweiser commercial.) A nod to the PepGiraffe for turning me on to this article from a couple of weeks ago in the NY Times. Apparently, the print version of this article is in that monstrous pile of newspapers and magazines on the floor of my apartment.
If you’ve ever thought you’d be good at matching people up in bars, you might want to sign up to be a wingwoman. $30 an hour, you’d go to bars with single men and go “What about her?†If the guy nods yes, you go and chat up the woman, and then transition to the introduction to your client. The article is here and the website is here.
Of course, if you prefer your winging to be wirtualâ€â€umm, virtual, try the Arriviste Press Virtual Wingman.
Bex the Rockstarâ€â€A Closet Romantic?
I couldn’t believe it either. But my controversial ex-camper’s now backlashing against the Sex and the City approach to New York dating, and has launched a mission to return to those misty, black-and-white days of “highballs and witty discourse.â€Â
A Love that Would Look and Sound Like a Movie
Blaire Brings an Apple to the Teacher
Blaire, of MarryBlaire.com fame, is dating a teacher. They’ve been together four weeks, which is longer than most of the relationships I’ve had. So, more power to her.
Love Coach
JDaters Anonymous reader Janice Bennett, a nationally consulted expert on relationships and the Love Coach for JMatch.com, sends out a regular newsletter with resources, book reviews and announcements of online classes she’s running. Among other things, her site features a blog, and a book review of “He’s Just Not That Into You” here.
Want more? As we used to say back in the day, tough noogies. Ya gotta wait.
AN “ANSWER”
320 years
And the word “answer” is in quotes because I’m not sure this response constitutes an answer.
JDate responded to my query.
Dear Member,
All profiles are active until a member decides to remove his or her profile from the site. As a member, you have the option to sort your search preferences by: New Members, Most Active, and Most Popular.
If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us any time at our toll free number: 1-877-453-3861. You can also reach us at: 1-323-836-3000.
JDate.com Customer Care
I posted a longer version of my letter to them yesterday, but then had to send this shorter version to JDate, because they only allow 500 characters of feedback.
You sent me, among my matches, a guy WHO HASN’T LOGGED INTO JDATE SINCE NOVEMBER OF 2002. Why send out a profile of a member who is not active?
Are all the profiles that were ever put up still floating out there unless their owners specifically delete them? When you claim over 500,000 members, does that include all the people who have ever registered, most of whom may not log in regularly? Even if they do, they may not be paying members and therefore unable to view messages anyway?
What do you think, my readers? Is this an acceptable response to the question I sent them?