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According to an Australian publication, “Research shows that about 70 per cent of workers have had an office fling at some stage, one-in-four with a colleague who was married or in a long-term relationship.”

Initially, I felt bad being in the 30 percent who has never had an office affair. Never mind that my first office was full of women in their 50s, my second was teeming with rabbinical students and the home office in my apartment is no way to meet anyone, let alone married men…

But then I read the following:

But beware: if you are a woman involved with a married colleague, you will end up getting burnt. “It almost always ends in tears,” said Geoff Carter, a senior lecturer in management at Griffith University, Brisbane, who conducted the research.

First of all, mildly interesting to me that they use the term “burnt” Down Under. (But you know me. I’m language-obsessed.) Secondly, why would I want to get involved in something that had been researched and proven to “almost always” end in tears? I mean, most relationships do to begin with, and certainly most of my recent choices have “inspired” tears before they’ve even started, so I like to think of that as cutting out the middleman. Pre-emptive crying, if you will.

It’s hard to listen to. You don’ tknow whether it’s words or melody that affect you on this kind of basic molecular level. But whatever the cause, the resultant helplessness resonates in your ears as you hear the vocal desperation, and the lyrics afflict you like labor.

It’s hard to listen to. But sometimes, viscerally and inexplicably, it provides you with the blueprint for, or at least, nudges you toward, recovery.

It’s hard to listen to. And you can’t explain it. But sometimes, it helps.

“Wise Up”
by Aimee Mann

It’s not what you thought
When you first began it
You got what you want
Now you can hardly stand it though
By now you know it’s not
Going to stop
It’s not going to stop
It’s not going to stop
‘Til you wise up

You’re sure there’s a cure
And you have finally found it
You think one drink
will shrink you ’til
you’re underground and living down
But it’s not going to stop
It’s not going to stop
It’s not going to stop
‘Til you wise up

Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed
‘Cause it’s not going to stop
It’s not going to stop
It’s not going to stop
‘Til you wise up
No it’s not going to stop
‘Til you wise up
Now it’s not going to stop
So just give up…

These are the times that try single men’s souls. Which is why, when it comes to singles events, most of them would rather just stay home. This results in a gross imbalance that most women have noticed; there are precious few men in attendance, and lots of women to compete over them. (Of course, the fact that most of the men in attendance probably will be too fearful to make an approach makes the women present feel even less attractive.)

The Indianapolis Star reports that “intimidation,” “fear of humiliation,” and “fear of rejection” are some reasons that men give for not attending singles events. But the number one reason? “Um, I didn’t know about it.” That’s right, good old “lack of information” was the number one reason. But further analysis of the results points to the fact that men aren’t so much uninformed as they are insecure.

Joe tells us, “I don’t fancy myself a good mixer, so the prospect of being
someplace where I know nobody, and where the environment is conspicuous by its
grand design for people to mingle, would scare the bejabbers out of me. I admit
I have never attended one of these activities, so I speak with a profound sense
of ignorance, based largely on nightmarish adolescent experiences attending
dances and the like.”

So he’s basing his knowledge of singles events on his never having attended them, and drawing analogs to his experience as an adolescent. I do love his use of the word “bejabbers.” That’s adding some local flava, fa shizzle.

Bob explains, “Men do not generally like structured dating situations because
they do not like the feeling of being trapped in a place where they have little
or no control over their own situation.”

Um, dude? Remember that SNL skit where the guy said “I always feel like I’m falling!” And the host of the talk show told him to “Look at yourself. Are you falling?” And sure enough, the guy understood that he wasn’t falling. You’re not trapped. And you have all the control! You say you’d be flattered if a woman were to show interest, but it is the experience of most online daters that you hate it when women approach you, and you humiliate us the way you’re afraid you’ll be humiliated. So be a little open-minded, and it’ll probably open up your heart, too.

Here are the other reasons:

• Lack of information (17 percent)
• Single parenting responsibilities (15 percent)
• Fear of rejection (12 percent)
• Fear of humiliation (9 percent)
• Work (8 percent)
• Shyness (6 percent)
• Lack of time (6 percent)
• Not wanting to get involved (3 percent)

I can’t wait for the boys to weigh in on this one.

From love shattered to romantic hopes dissolved, we always seem to seek out the music. We know that there’s a substantial chance that the lyrics or notes so assembled will cause more tears, or evoke sadness that we were repressing. Maybe that’s why we go to the music, to help us feel or to help us get past the feeling, to reinforce our shapeless sadness and bind it to emotional reality. Sometimes, it’s all about the music. And here’s a playlist for crying your way through it.

Long December (Counting Crows)
Don’t Give Up (Peter Gabriel/Kate Bush)
Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton)
Two Steps Behind (Def Leppard)
In Your Eyes (Peter Gabriel)
Imagine (John Lennon)
Torn (Natalie Imbruglia)
The First Cut is the Deepest (Sheryl Crow)
Behind These Hazel Eyes (Kelly Clarkson)
Romeo & Juliet (Indigo Girls)
This Woman’s Work (Kate Bush)
You Will Be Loved (Maroon 5)
There’s a Fine, Fine Line (Avenue Q)
I’ll Miss You in a Heartbeat (Def Leppard)
Wise Up (Aimee Mann)