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I’m shameless, stealing the name of this post from Superjux. But hopefully, she’ll still let me sleep on her floor when I’m in California next month.

People who shouldn’t be on jdate
What a great idea. There should totally be a list. Maybe people who post pictures of other people in their profile (for instance, Smith from Sex and the City…I mean, duh…I know that’s not you), or someone who asks a woman’s cup size during the first IM conversation, or anyone who is “just as comfortable in a cocktail dress as I am in jeans relaxing around the house.” Anyone else you’d nominate (no names, please; just “types”) for inclusion on such a list?

Frum dating stories
“We met in a hotel lobby. All around us, bustling bellboys bore bags. I sipped my diet Coke with lemon, raptly listening to his account of the Siyum HaShas. And as I saw myself reflected in his glasses, I felt Hashem reveal my destiny: I was going to make Shabbes for him.”

Wingwoman
Always helps to have one. Unless you’re a woman, and your wingwoman is more attractive than you. Then you’re screwed. (See also, “Esther’s College Years.”)

Shomer kashrut
Because as all J.A. readers know, kashrut news can best be gleaned from blogs about dating.

Friend zone test
Which of these sentences describes you?
A) You like someone. He makes you feel every way you’re supposed to feel, from the way he looks at you, to the laughs you have together. You feel the connection physically, even when he’s not touching you. But he is always dating someone else, and doesn’t seem to look at you “that way.”
B) People describe you as “an awesome person,” “a good guy,” or “a cool gal.”
To calculate your results, review your answers. If you picked A, you are in the Friend Zone. If you picked B, you are also in the Friend Zone. Recommended course of action: Quit the gym and eat what you want. (Might I suggest pizza, cheese fries and a regular Coke followed by a pint of Ben and Jerry’s new Chocolate Therapy ice cream?)

Dutch men’s fear of commitment
I had no idea that Dutch men feared commitment. But it makes sense, what with the wooden shoes and all.

Jdate IM free
Believe me, sweetie, even when it’s free, it’s never free. You know what I mean.

Married men Jdate
Luckily, they’ve not found me yet. Maybe if I’m still single in ten years, I’ll be more openminded, but for now, I’m gonna have to tell the espoused to hit the internet pavement.

Drunk people opening feelings
One thing’s certain. When drunk people open feelings, they should definitely “point away from face.”

I just got this email. Do not ask how they got the idea I would be interested. Not that there’s anything wrong with that:

We’d like to tell you about a new site, www.qjew.com , the world’s premier dating site for nice Jewish gays and lesbians…seeking same.

Here you’ll find a community of like-minded Heebs looking for someone to take home for the holidays. It’s free to post a profile, send e-mails, and chat. Take a look around and see what unscrolls your Torah. And if you’re not into Kosher meet, forward to a friend.

Spread the word. Gossip. It’s what we do! Welcome to a whole new world of Jewish geography. If only Hebrew school had been this much fun…

Tribe y’all,
Team qjew
qjew.com
Like mom always hoped for…sort of

Before I issue them a citation for excessive punning, do any of my gay readers want to do a review?

Hello?

[tumbleweeds]

[crickets]

Nope, that isn’t the latest book from the Sex and the City writers. It’s just the topic of this post, inspired by two posts from two separate bloggers on the blogroll…

First up is P-Life, with his nice, well-intentioned words run afoul. He found a profile of a woman who seemed great but had four kids. P-Life, having decided that he doesn’t want to go from having zero to four like that, wrote her to tell her that although he wouldn’t date her because of her children, he thought she had some great things in her profile and he wishes her the best of luck. Her response was cordial. Way more so than I might have been, frankly.

I have no doubt that he was well-intentioned. But I can tell you that in a sea of non-response that online dating can be, a message represents hope: and getting a message that says “I think you’re great but I cannot date you” is pointless and annoying, even if the intentions were pure.

Moving over to one of my fave L.A. girls (see you soon, chica!), Superjux tells the tale of a JDater who contacted her to tell her how great her profile is. (Think the Usual Suspects: “And then, like that–[whoosh]–he’s gone.”)

I have to say that it would never occur to me, unless I already knew the person, to tell someone he had a great profile if I didn’t want to get to know the person behind that profile. But apparently, there are guys who do this, and do this NOT to be jerks, but just to express appreciation. My point is that on JDate, or Frumster, or any other dating service, people are online looking for love and connection. For someone to initiate contact with you to say something nice about you seems like it should be totally fine; but for people who are looking for a meaningful connection and who are discouraged by the selection, it’s adding insult to injury. In essence, that person (who has been me on more than one occasion) hears “You’re great, but I wouldn’t date you,” which can be torture. They might even hear “I appreciate you for all that you are, but forget about dating guys who appreciate you and concentrate on someone who will treat you poorly.” Or “you should totally run for Mayor of the Friend Zone, because you’re livin’ there and you ain’t never comin’ out.”

And so I offer you this. An open letter to the guys of online dating from some of its disgruntled women:

Dear Boys,

We have no doubt that you meant to be kind. Your intentions were as pure as the driven snow or as the High Priest’s holiday garb right before Yom Kippur. But your words didn’t help us. It made us feel, again, like the perma-residents of the Friend Zone. Telling us that we are “great girls” or that you “love” our profiles, but still don’t want to date us is a unique form of torture.

Because such responses are rare, every online dating response we receive is precious. When that response turns out to be a rejection, it wounds. If you really like us, set us up with a friend. Otherwise, keep your platonic admiration to yourselves.

Wishing you all luck in finding what you’re looking for, especially if for some reason it’s not us, because we rock something fierce. If you liked our profiles, the live show’s that much better. But we guess, now, because of some unknown set of parameters that you have deemed to be dealbreakers, you’ll never know. And you’ll just have to live with that.

Cordially,

The Fabulous Single Ladies of Internet Dating

Don’t y’all never say I don’t bring you pretty things. Like this survey of JDate you can take to “help them improve their site.”

Be sure to tell them how much you enjoy not being able to see the pictures of the people who email you when you’re not a member, or how much fun it is when random words disappear from your profile, and how much you appreciate their fine customer service skills.

You’re welcome.