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READER REQUESTS YOUR ADVICE

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A reader writes from Paris:

Hi Esther! I really enjoy reading your blog and I decided to write to you as I have a problem which is not often discussed and may benefit others.

I’ve been dating a non-Jewish Czech woman for about 6 months. Although I never put any pressure on her she has recently agreed to convert. That’s good news for me as I am really attached to my Judaism. However there looms another large problem– that of language. My mother tongue being English I would naturally speak to my future children in English. I also speak Hebrew and French fluently. My girlfriend has expressed her strong desire to speak to them in Czech. I have no reason to oppose this other than I’ve tried a bit of Czech and it turns out to be an extremely difficult language which for example has 7 grammatical cases (as does Latin), and it’s clear to me I’ll never speak it (and frankly I don’t have the energy to learn it as I have been learning Spanish and Arabic over the last 5 years!).

I don’t want to find myself in a situation wherin I can’t understand what my own kids are saying, and envision paranoia setting in as I imagine what my wife and kids are talking about. I know this problem is not a Jewish one but I imagine many people face it. I would be very grateful if you threw this topic out there as it’s starting to drive me messhuga!! She’s already giving up on her religion, how could I ask her to give up on her native tongue?

Well, readers? Any feedback for our Parisian friend?

KEN STRIKES AGAIN

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In case you’re joining the JDaters Anonymous program late, I highly recommend that you go over to Ken Wheaton’s place, and read his “Nondating Life” series. Insightful, funny and universal.

DECONSTRUCTING HOLLYWOOD “ROMANCE” FOR REAL-LIFE LOVE

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At Santa Clara University, students are immersed in love and romance, but not for the regular college reasons. While their pursuit isn’t entirely academic, in a class called “Theology of Marriage,” the approach is scholarly, if not particularly romantic:

“We break down the ‘knight in shining armor’ idea that there is one person just for you,” said Frederick J. Parrella, a religious studies professor at the Jesuit-run university who has been teaching the popular marriage course, which constantly has a waiting list, for more than 15 years. “We’re all made in God’s image,” the theologian stressed, adding that based on that idea, there is not necessarily one soul mate out there for everyone.

Finding the right person for a committed relationship involves meeting people, making the right decisions and not just going by feelings, which are bound to go away, he told Catholic News Service in a Feb. 4 telephone interview from Santa Clara, Calif.

In the span of the 10-week course, Parrella steers his students through the sometimes tricky love terrain by juxtaposing current books and movies that deal with love with deeper theological writings that delve into marriage as a sacrament and a reflection of God’s love. The students watch clips from popular movies that present romantic love, such as Disney films, or Oscar-winners such as “American Beauty” and “As Good as it Gets,” and read “I and Thou,” by the late Jewish scholar Martin Buber, and “The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts,” by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee.

(JDaters Anonymous is thrilled to note that “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “The Rules” are nowhere on this list.)

For students in this class, assignments include writing down deepest fears about relationships, doing interviews with couples who have been married more than 10 years, and “engaging in plenty of discussion about love on the big screen compared to a day-in-day-out commitment over the long haul.”

If you were teaching a class on love, romance, or marriage, what reading materials would you assign? What kinds of projects would you ask your students to create? Is there any movie, book or other cultural influence that you think has had a positive or negative impact on you in terms of shaping your expectations of love and romance?

DATES-ON-DEMAND

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From one of my devoted readers comes the following piece of dating-related information.

Beginning Valentine’s Day, the No. 1 operator will help subscribers find partners through a video-on-demand (VOD) service that it calls Dating On Demand.
On Monday, Comcast will introduce Dating On Demand nationally, based on videos from several cities. It also will have a local service for Chicago. By year’s end, it expects to have local service in a dozen cities including Baltimore, Washington and Portland, Ore.
People age 18 or older who want to broadcast their availability to either the opposite or the same sex can do so by preparing a three-to-five minute video.

What’s interesting to me is that (and I don’t get to say things like this often) the Israelis made this dating-related stride first. Must be the country’s increased density of Jewish mothers pressuring their children to get married.

WHO NEEDS VALENTINE’S DAY, ANYWAY?

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You’ve got plenty of uncoupled compadres to keep you company.

Ken just wants to believe: “But the sorry truth of the matter is I still want to believe, if not for me, then for the rest of you. Hell, even when I get all melodramatic about being alone on Valentine’s Day, it’s still tinged with some sort of weird hope. I’m like the Fox Mulder of pathetic holidays.”

If you’d like to laugh at the whole prospect of marriage, try Veiled Conceit, the snarky spoof of the NY Times Sunday Styles wedding announcements.

Whatever you do this Valentine’s Day, don’t drink and dial.

Jmerica gives a nod to both JDaters Anonymous and JDatesGoneWrong.

Over at Single Status, Gail Simons tells you about being a bridesmaid. Again.

Chronicles of a JDater shares a very special IM conversation.

My approach? Reclaim the whole damn thing as a day to concentrate on what you really need. (Although I always have the “it’s not a Jewish holiday” crutch to lean on…which I do…heavily.)

Check out my latest article on the subject: The Single’s Guide to a Heart-Smart Valentine’s Day (GenerationJ.com — February 2005).

BEST PLACE TO BE SINGLE…

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Thanks to Gothamist, I now understand that much like a team of Nazis looking for the Ark of the Covenant, I’ve been digging in the wrong place.

According to this new study, New York didn’t even crack the top ten of best dating cities. Columbus, OH? Yes. Honolulu? Yup. Jersey City, NJ? Yessir. They all outrank NY according to the study.

Of course, I doubt that Austin-San Marcos, TX is where all Jewish gals should migrate to in order to find their basherts (y’all).

And then, when you read the details, you see that the survey was cosponsored by Axe Body Spray and fixates on ages 18-24, a bracket I’ve not seen since the Clone Wars. And then, it suddenly makes sense.

JDATE CO-FOUNDER STEPS DOWN

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News bulletin: JDate co-founder resigns

[“Nothing to to with the growing power of fledgling weblog JDaters Anonymous,” says an unnamed source…]

Alon Carmel, one of the company’s co-founders and co-chairmen, has resigned his positions with the company to pursue other entrepreneurial and philanthropic interests. Mr. Carmel has agreed to continue to serve the company, as a consultant, and Joe Shapira, the company’s co-chairman, will become chairman of the company’s board of directors.

Since launching JDate(R).com, eight years ago, Mr. Carmel helped build the company from a fledgling startup into one of the true leaders in the online personals space. In addition to JDate.com, Spark Networks owns AmericanSingles(R).com and a host of other growing vertical market players in the online personals industry.

One industry insider indicated that, inspired by the “truth in advertising” theme of his new favorite movie, “Crazy People,” the 1990 comedy starring Dudley Moore and Darryl Hannah, Carmel has taken on a quest of a personal nature that he could not legally undertake as co-founder: to count by hand the number of JDate users who are actually active and contactable, and offer up this new number as the number of actual profiles available on JDate.

This move would be a momentous step towards honesty, as it would thin out the pool of perceived availables, which currently includes men and women who are now married and forgot to take their profiles down, or people who have been so dissatisfied with the online dating service that they cancelled their paid plans and now receive email notifications in their inboxes that they cannot read.

A HOUSE DIVIDED

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I’m of two minds. (Not unusual for me. Do I love Jdate? Do I hate it? OK, you all know the answer to that one now…)

One side of me loves an underdog and wants you to vote for JDaters Anonymous for Best Culture Blog in the JIB Awards. But the realist in me would realize that I just can’t beat me; the leader in that category is currently My Urban Kvetch. And I’m not gonna lie…I do want that virtual statuette.

This house cannot be divided against itself. And it looks like only one of my babies has a chance of being victorious…

I leave this matter in your capable hands, my precious readers (all four of you), and hope that “Team Esther” will emerge from competition, in some way, triumphant.

DATING OUTSIDE YOUR FAITH

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Thanks to H for really getting the ball rolling on this discussion.

Have you ever dated anyone of a different faith? Is dating intrafaith important to you and/or your family? Why have you chosen to date people from other faiths, or why do you choose not to?

Comment here or Chez Superjux. Up to you.

THE DRAMA OF DATING

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My new article, “The Drama of Dating,” is now online at the Jewish Week website.(NY Jewish Week, 02/04/05)

And oh, how I wish they had called me before they cut a phrase from my original opening (reproduced here for your convenience):

“Curtain up! Light the lights!” “It’s time to put on makeup, it’s time to dress up right!” It is here, somewhere between a Broadway show’s clarion anthem and the whimsical pre-curtain preparation and onstage goofiness of “The Muppet Show,” that we encounter the drama of our dating lives.

Click here to read the whole article.

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