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This excellent article from Ha’aretz shows us that online dating is online dating, even in Israel:

This is one of the problems of the Internet: Anyone can write anything he likes. The Internet is a paradise for the verbally inclined and the dating sites give an unfair advantage to those who can write well or are clever at hiding behind words.

And yet, I’ve found that many men don’t even bother filling out the profiles completely, never mind stretching the truth. I kind of wish they would write well or be clever enough to write words that made them more attractive. At least it would show a little creativity, a little of their individuality. Because then, in real life, they would be more attractive, even if they are, empirically, less attractive. (They so need E-Cyrano, it’s ridiculous already.)

The chance to fantasize is perhaps the big advantage of the Internet dating sites, and it’s also their drawback. Finding a mate via the Internet takes time and thought. But while we’re sitting at the computer and corresponding with growing intensity with people whom we really don’t know the first thing about, we increasingly come to feel like we’re having a lively social life and that the words appearing on our screen genuinely represent real people who have some kind of connection to our fantasy about them and to the thought that they are the one and only with whom we are destined to live happily and wealthily ever after. Sometimes this fantasizing goes on for so long that when you finally go on the date, you’re already totally in love with the virtual character you’ve constructed for yourself as a result of your correspondence, who doesn’t always bear much resemblance to the actual person.

I think this is one of the reasons that my friends all report having been so successful when it comes to IM and email banter, but why so few of those have transitioned into real life meetings. More often, they report of the instant connection, the “clicking” so loud that it’s palpable even over DSL, followed by a drop-off in correspondence and eventual disappearance. No one wants to shatter the fantasy.

Now here’s a great story–that sounds all too familiar–that’s simultaneously appalling:

Noa says she gave up on searching via the Internet because she discovered that while women are looking for certain personality traits in their potential mates, “with men, it starts and ends with outward appearance, or else they explicitly say that they will not respond to inquiries from women who haven’t attached their photo, and then on the phone they interrogate you for hours to make sure you’re not fat or wrinkled, god forbid, unless they’re the type that are after women who are `plump and juicy.’ The ones seeking women like that are usually also the maniacs who are interested in nothing but sex.”

Adi, for example, talked on the phone with a man who asked her if she “is one hundred percent sure that she is not overweight at all.” She happens to be thin, but this question really annoyed her and so, she says, “I asked him right away if he’s one hundred percent sure that he has no financial problems. He swore that he didn’t and later on, when we met, it turned out that he actually wasn’t employed at the moment and also forgot his wallet at home so it was my job to pay the bill.”

Remember the IM conversation with the guy across the pond? Men are petrified of non-skinny women. It’s really amazing. Is this just a cultural thing? Is it just Jewish men, despising their own cultural types? Are they afraid that the other men in their cave–oops, I mean, peer group–will shun them, forcing them to sleep furthest from the fire and (God forbid) die of exposure with extremely chapped lips?

I think all men (and women too) should read Wendy Shanker. This is not about man-bashing; it’s just that the world would be a better place. To put it in a classically self-deprecating manner, I want to be judged and rejected based on my own shortcomings, not those dictated by society.

This is definitely a topic to be revisited.

Uh oh. Attention ladies: Better buy your bottles of blonde hairdye and schedule yourselves for a brain reduction, if you want to get married.

The London Times reports that while women are really looking for brains in a man, not the same thing can be said for men seeking women. The study they cite measured the IQ of 900 men and women when they were 11 years old. Then 40 years later, they were revisited to find out if they had ever married.

“The finding that IQ in early life appears to be associated with the likelihood to marry is important because factors in childhood may determine a person’s marital status in adulthood, which may in turn influence future health and mortality,” says the study, to appear in the Journal of Personality and Individual differences.

For boys, there is a 35% increase in the likelihood of marriage for each 16-point rise in IQ. For girls, there is a 40% drop.

I guess this means that the smarter we are, the more hesitant we are to rush into a relationship that isn’t meant for long-term success. At least, that’s how I’m spinning it. Brilliant, did you say? Damn you.

Hat tip: Janice

You all know I complain a lot about JDate. It almost seems that I wouldn’t be a single woman if I didn’t. But it’s not peer pressure, or the desire to get along with my singleton peers, that drives my dissatisfaction. It’s because of a basic fact about JDate. They’re in it for the money, and don’t care about customer service.

In any other business scenario, this would spell disaster. But they’ve got the brand working for them. Even if the most frequent online incidence of the word “JDate” is inevitably followed by someone’s account of how horrible their experience is, brandwise, they’re the preeminent Jewish dating service, referenced on The West Wing, relentlessly in Jewtopia, and in any other number of pop culture contexts. Despite the dissatisfaction of many members, who keep quitting and rejoining because they think they have no choice, the number of “members online” seems to keep growing.

Many have speculated about this, and I think the reason is clear. Even if you quit a thousand times over, your profile remains active. It is sent to people in “Your Matches” emails even if you quit JDate, met someone elsewhere, married and have a few kids. If you have not specifically requested the removal of your profile, as far as JDate is concerned, you’re still available.

Now, many of us have suspected that, despite their poorly named Customer Care Department, no one over there seems to care about us, the multitude of customers who enable JDate to exist. Feeling ignored is something we all experience. But now, my correspondence with them proves it.

First, that initial letter I sent them (and their completely unacceptable response). Then, there was another letter, that I wrote as a member of the press who was thinking about giving them some publicity, that received an auto-response. Never, never send a member of the press an auto-response. (And I didn’t even go to business school.)

And now, there’s this–my newest letter, followed by their response. I’m uncharacteristically terse because they limit me to 150 words (as if I could sum up what’s wrong with them in 150 words, without using the word fackockta):

12/28/2004
From: Esther’s Profile Name
Reason: General question or suggestion
There’s no one option why I’m canceling: JDate is frustrating and ineffective. Your computer-generated customer service responses are inadequate. You delete words from people’s profiles that changes the meaning and sound of their original essays. You should focus on customer service, on actually responding to people’s queries. If this message gets an auto-response like all the other ones, I’m showing all my friends how you “value” your customers.

Ok, can’t say I didn’t warn them. Here’s their response to my concerns, and my comments in brackets.

From: JD Comments
Sent: Wednesday, December 29, 2004 3:44
Subject: Re: General question or suggestion

Dear Member,

To change how often you receive “Your Matches” emails and other informational communications from us, go to Member Services and click “Off-site email alerts and settings.” There, you will see a list of options to choose from.

[Um, guys? I know how to do this. I’m NOT an idiot. That’s not what I asked.]

If you would like to stop the automatic renewal of your Premium Membership, go to “Cancel Your Premium Membership” in Member Services. This will stop any future billing yet allow you to enjoy all subscriber benefits through the remainder of your paid term. Your profile will also stay on the website for free for as long as you wish. *

[I’ve already done this, Brainiacs. Then a screen popped up asking me why I’m quitting, and none of the reasons quite fit. That’s why I’m contacting you. And by the way, I’m gone as of January 23.]

If you want to remove your profile and stop getting email from us, just login and go to “Remove Your Profile” in Member Services.

[Of course, you know I can’t do that. If I’m Jewish and single, I have to stay out there. And part of being out there, unfortunately, is having a JDate profile. This sucks, man.]

We hope that you have been enjoying the website and meeting some wonderful people.

[Um, I’m gonna go with no, I haven’t. What I have found out is that on the whole, Jewish men either come on too strong, or they’re total wusses. Or maybe they’re just not that into me. And while we’re at it, I’d like to note my resentment of one of the “reasons for quitting” that you list: “I’m giving up on finding a soulmate.” Why would you do that? It’s like “Ok, leave if you want to, but know that if you give up, you’ll be alone forever.” You suck, JDate. There, I said it.]

JDate.com Customer CareJDate.com — the best place on the Internet to meet quality singles and find your perfect match

[Umm, no–it obviously isn’t.]

Let’s recap what I asked for, and how many of my complaints they addressed. And let’s see which of my readers can discern the intricate mathematical pattern:

• JDate is frustrating and ineffective. This is where they should have said, I’m sorry that you’re finding our system frustrating, but here’s who to call, or what to do…NOT ADDRESSED
• Your computer-generated customer service responses are inadequate. NOT ADDRESSED
• You delete words from people’s profiles that changes the meaning and sound of their original essays. COMPLETELY NOT ADDRESSED
• You should focus on customer service, on actually responding to people’s queries. HMM. NOT ADDRESSED
• If this message gets an auto-response like all the other ones, I’m showing all my friends how you “value” your customers. ADDRESSED, BUT BY ME, IN THIS POST.

I swear my blood pressure just jumped. Maybe I’ll do some nice, calming work to even out my keel. If anyone has horrid tales, or better yet, good experiences about JDate’s response to customers to relate, let me know. I’m hoping that their responses to me constitute a response anomaly. But somehow, realistically, I don’t think it is…

*On the previous “An Answer” post, an Anonymous reader wrote:
I wrote Jdate and asked them to inform those women [who wrote to me] that I cannot retrieve their messages or respond, but it doesn’t look like they will do so. In a sense, they are damaging my reputation and in a way hardly consistent with traditional Jewish values. Morever, since I can’t log on, I can’t even delete my profile so that it doesn’t continue to happen in the future. If they lock me out because I no longer subscribe that’s fine, but then they should also remove my profile, rather than keep my face and profile up and count me as one of their available-to-meet members.

One December, in a city by a river, there was a tower with twinkly lights. Amidst the sparkle, a humble humor, a human romance brought further illumination to a City of Lights. On a cold night, you can’t beat the romance of an engagement in Paris.

As Ari said in her congratulatory comment, Deb and Alex “bring hope to the desert.”

Here’s a prayer: to more hope, less desert. (And more dessert, if I get a third wish. But if only two wishes, then more hope and less desert.)