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Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I’m back now, with a Q&A inspired by a reader and JDate subscriber in Boston.

How about a “profile workshop”? Participants could offer candid critiques on each others’ profiles?

Good idea. I’m sure we’ve all had friends look at our profiles and give feedback. But sometimes you need a professional: a friend of mine founded a company that does exactly that. Check E-Cyrano.com, and let him know I sent you!

How about a piece on “tips for hiding your email address [in your profile so you don’t have to pay for the service]”?

I could definitely publish tips for hiding your email address in the text of the profile, but it’s become very difficult to get away with this, since JDate censors have stepped up their censoring of anything that might be an email address. I actually wrote a piece on this for My Urban Kvetch, the other blog I run. I’ve reposted it below for your convenience. You’ll see that the censoring crackdown has resulted in fractured sentences and errors that seem like typos, but aren’t. Irks an editor something awful, I tell you.

JDate seems to be pushing this whole “perfection” thing (“perfect first date,” “ideal relationship,” etc.) As often as not, people reject this and write “well, not expecting a perfect first date, but…” Don’t you think JDate could be more in touch with what members consider relevant?

Of course. JDate should actually go out with some of these people who have profiles on their service. Then they’d be just as horrified as the rest of us are.

In terms of “perfection,” people on dating services state their “ideal” because you don’t go into a pay service saying “I’ll settle for…” If we’re going through the rigmarole of defining what we want (which we don’t get the advantage of doing in real dating life) we’re going to shoot for the moon, so to speak. Almost no one says, “I’d like to date someone who’s visibly flawed, has no sense of romance, and brings his baggage to every interaction.”

There seems to be no consensus about whether folks like to chat for chatting’s sake or if an IM automatically means “I’m interested.” Me, I’m a chat fiend, so just enjoy a chance to relate. There’s a definite comraderie that fellow searchers can enjoy (I’ve made a few good friends from contacts in online personals). Some women, when I IM them, their first response is “hold on, I’ll read your profile and see if I think we’re a good match…” Um, hello? There really is such a thing as just saying hello. If I’m looking for a date, I’ll be explicit. Which is why women that I IM seem to be more at ease if they’re not local.

In life, yes, there is such a thing as just saying hello. In the context of online dating services, not so much. There are undoubtedly some JDate members who like to chat for chat’s sake. But I would think that the general rule is that unless you have something substantial in common with that person that’s obvious from the profile, and you’re connecting to ask a question specific to that topic (say, improv; or once I contacted someone in St. Louis about a shared love of Buffy), I think most people think the IM chat is a preliminary to dating; most people want to date someone in their geographical area, which is why many might be reluctant to spend their time chatting with someone out of area. In the chatroom, yes, since it’s a gathering place for people from all over, but not the one-on-one of individual IM.

Also, you need to remember that most women in their thirties are on JDate not to meet friends, but to meet potential mates, or at least dates. They already have plenty of friends in real life. (Theoretically.) Therefore, a friendly IM from someone out of area who’s just saying hello might seem annoying, or a waste of their JDate time/money.

If you know you’re a chat fiend and often send IMs to women out of your area or who you’re just saying hi to, you might want to add that to your profile so people know what they’re getting when they hear from you, and will maybe treat it a little less seriously.

…and thanks for creating the Jdaters site. I feel pounds lighter now.

Dude, I’m so glad to have helped.

Disagree with my responses? Got some advice to add? Let me know via the comments function or via email…

AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW

I feel like I may have reached the end of the JDate rainbow. Only instead of a pot of gold, there’s one of those recycling bins, a receptacle for all the guys I ever went on one or two doomed dates with.

Some of them remember me, but more often, I remember them first, and more clearly. And they take this to mean that I liked them. But more often than not, the impression, while deeply etched, was not necessarily a positive one.

Seeing them is always awkward, especially when I apparently didn’t make enough of an impression for them to acknowledge remembering me. It also hurts more than a little that I’m still out here, canvassing the scene, looking for Him, so divine and elusive an ideal that I might as well capitalize it.

Him. He, whoever He is, is somewhere. He’s probably up, like me, on JDate and watching Ghostbusters on TNT at 2:30 in the morning. He’ll probably be at tomorrow’s Salute to Israel Parade on Fifth Avenue. He’s probably started his own blog, to record and analyze his experiences, so he might learn.

But whoever He is, He’ll make an impression on me. And I’ll make one back. And it will be positive.

And maybe then, at the other end of the JDate rainbow, there’ll be a pot of dating gold.

WHAT’S YOUR PROFILE PET PEEVE?

You know you have them. Those things in people’s profiles that really irk you something awful. It doesn’t matter if the person profiled looks like Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston: you see this phrase, and you’re outta there. It can be a simple statement or a run-on sentence, but it is probably a few boring words strung together that don’t tell you much of anything about the person.

So, which profile proclamations constitute your pet peeves, and why?

I’ll share a few to start you off:

* “Friends and family are important to me.” (Duh…)
* “I like to laugh.” (Bully for you. I like to breathe.)
* “She should feel as comfortable in jeans as she does in a little black dress.” (This describes no one I know. Sweats are the most comfortable, but no one brags about that…)
* Spelling errors in third-grade level words, misused verbiage or excessive use of the abbreviation LOL.
* “She should have a sense of humor (laugh at my jokes).” (Hello, not the same thing.)

And oh, there are more. But I’ll open the floor to comments from the peanut gallery.

A JDATERS ANONYMOUS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: A MATTER OF SIZE

A little hint, boys: When emailing, IM’ing or talking to your intended JDate lady on the phone, DO NOT ask her what her bra size is.

I know some of you are definitely “breast men,” but to have this subject come up in the first conversation is simply not appropriate.

I didn’t think it was such a far-reaching problem, but after hearing the same complaint from three different women in three different cities, I can only assume that there’s either one perp whose interests span the nation, or that this is becoming a more common question.

Ladies, should you find yourself asked this question, I wanted to suggest a few appropriate responses:

“I’m an Infiniti ZX.” (This should confuse them.)
“None of your business, and I must bid you good day, sir. I said, GOOD DAY!!” (This is very good if you’re British and live in the 19th Century.)
“Well, now you’ll never know.” (Particularly effective followed by an immediate hangup.)
“Well, I’ll tell you, but I have to ask you how many inches you are. I only date men in double digits. Unless you’d be willing to get a penile implant…” (When you hear nothing from the other end of the phone, feel free to hang up.)

In summary: If you want to know if a woman is well-endowed, wait. Work on your inner monologue and your conversational filters. If you’re charming and sincere, you might get to find out for yourself. But this is not important information to know before you even meet her…

Growing up in yeshivaland, there were always a couple of boys who talked about a woman’s middot (values) and meant middot (size)…it wasn’t charming then, nor is it now…

So ask us other things–about what we read, what we think, what we like to do, but steer clear of a question like this one, unless you’re getting the clear green light. If at any point you encounter a woman who likes to be asked this question before the first date, please have her write an entry for this blog and send it to JDaters Anonymous.

Thank you.