Group therapy in a blog.
“Plus-One”? Or “Plus-None”?
Your help needed for an article…
Let’s say you’re invited to a wedding, or a bar mitzvah, or any other affair where there will be some sort of ceremony followed by dinner and dancing. And let’s say you’re single. Not in the sense of having a long-time significant other who won’t propose–that’s another article. In the sense that your last date wasn’t anything to write home about, let along bring home to your family.
1) The invitation comes in the mail. Would you rather:
a) That the invitation bears your name alone, knowing full well that the rest of your friends are married and when it comes to the dancing part, you’re going to be the only one left sitting at your table…OR
b) That the invitation bears your name and the vague “and Guest”. Who do you choose as a “plus-one”? A good friend? Someone you’re interested in? Or do you just decide to go it alone and hope for the best?
2) Would you want to be seated at a singles table with no one you know? Or at a couples table with your friends?
3) Is there anything that your friends who were hosting the affair could have done for you to make you more comfortable at their affair?
All help appreciated, and can be posted here in the comments section or sent to me “offline” at jdatersanonymous at gmail.com.
Thanks!
It depends on the friend.
I would say for 1, I would choose just my name. I assume since they are inviting me to a party and know me and what’s going on in my life there would be no assumptions as to my relationship status. No need to put the “guest” in.
2, I would definitely want to sit with my friends. What’s the point of being at this occassion if not to support and socialize with your friends.
3, I would prefer that my friends concern themselves with the planning and not worry about me. As long as they do their job ie the food is good and the D.J/band doesen’t suck. I can handle my own social situations.
I agree with Ro about 1 and 3. As far as 2 goes, I would actually prefer to sit with single people I don’t know. I’ll talk to my married friends anyway, and this way, I get to meet new people as well. (New single people, that is.)
I agree with Ro and ALG on #3. I think I would prefer to get an invitation with my name and guest giving me the option of bringing someone that I know (date, friend, or no one). Like ALG, I would definitely rather sit at a table with other singles: it’s always good to meet new people, and I’ve always been told weddings are great places to meet single men.
1. I would rather have a guest invite – if I have a lot of friends there, I probably won’t bring a guest, but if not, I’d rather bring someone whose company I know I’ll enjoy.
2. I’d rather sit with my friends – I don’t enjoy meeting and eating with strangers. Actually, I’ve noticed that very few weddings have couples’ and singles’ tables. They group people by friendships instead.
3. I agree with the others about my comfort not being their priority, although it’s always nice if the music includes a good number of faster songs. The couples’ issue largely comes up on slow dances.
There’s actually protocol for most of this. For Formal or wedding invites, the typical invitation for a single person usually mentions ‘and guest’, just in case you’re seeing someone, or know a special someone who could use a free meal and owns a good suit/dress. Now I’ve seen it done to where this means that old Aunt Ida, (the one they were uncertain of inviting back at the home) may even get a day out and get a whirl around the dance floor on her wheel chair due to a dateless but thoughtful cousin, and guys going ‘stag’ with a buddy, (and similarly for the women too). It’s just a natural courtesy mostly.
Seating can get tricky fast. But in general unless the seating is rigidly planned, you can manage to squeeze in next to or near someone interesting. But over all there’s 2 approaches. One is to seat the single folks at a sort of Jr. table, if this can be done by age grades in larger venues, so much the better. This way 16 yo cousin Mark does not have to show his marvelous ‘exploding mashed potato trick’ to an entire set of less than charmed 20-30 somethings. The other one that used to be seen more often is to ‘sprinkle’ the singles in with the marrieds, making certain that there were enough single potential pairings to make it worthwhile. The latter approach took more planning and forethought. (Will Susie actually like Jacob? I mean I know he’s a Doctor & all, but he can be awfully annoying even in small doses…). Hence this approach has gone slowly out of favor due to the ‘hit or miss’ chances of it’s success for the evening.
Me, I really don’t worry much about seating for family occasions anymore. We’ve sort of more or less devolved into a rigid seating arrangement worked out in accordance to the Geneva Conventions. First we decide on a ‘DMZ’. Then we seat most of my family at one table, and one very miserable SOB brother separately. He’s the designated ‘black sheep’ of the family and runs his mouth to such an extent and is so insulting to everyone that should he be seated With the family, his safety and security could not be assured. Not even until the entree was served. So to keep the peace, he sits with my Aunt, which is fine. We get to eat in peace, they get to imagine that ‘he’s doing so much better now!’, we are still secure in the knowledge that they really only don’t know or see much beyond his better behaved ‘Dr. Jekyll’ character.
The reason I have some hope for humanity is that this crass, selfish & gross lump of familial excrescence is actually due to get married soon, to a lovely kind Jewish doctor some decade younger than himself. (He’s now 42, and this will be his first ‘serious’ GF/relationship in probably 20 years or so). We always joked that he’d get married when the Pope got circumcised. Folks I really think this may come to pass. So look for a mohel disguised as one of the Cardinals visiting the Vatican soon! Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
I’d rather sit with friends. A table of strangers is a form of torture for me, and the last time someone seated me at a singles table where I didn’t know anyone, I moved my chair to where my friends were sitting. If you want to fix up your single friends with one another, do it before or after the wedding.
I’ve never gotten an ‘and guest’ invitation. I did once have an online conversation with someone who said that where he was from, that meant you were expected to bring one. But I’ve never encountered that in real life.
Oh, I *hate* when the single invitee doesn’t get to bring a guest. Certainly I’d prefer “and guest,” and I’d personally want to be seated with friends. But if the bride or groom wanted to also seat a cute, funny single guy at the same table, I probably wouldn’t argue.
But I’m on board with those who think it’s not the wedding couple’s responsibility to make their single guests feel more comfortable.
I just got married… Here’s how I handled it.
for the most part- I ASKED my friends what they preferred… before I sent the invitation. If they were seeing someone I asked if they’d like to bring them. If they were not, I asked anyway, just to be sure. If I knew that they would know other friends there (single or married) i did not worry so much about their ability to socialize. for the one or two friends that were not dating anyone and did not know any of my other friends, I invited them to bring a platonic friend of theirs who knew me as well… that way they were not all alone but i did not have a perfect stranger at the wedding, rather, an aquiantance who I was happy to see (even though i would not have invited them on their own- paying $150 for a stranger is a bit irritating, but for an aquintance who can help a friend feel relaxed and have fun, I have deal with that)
And I combined married and singles at the same tables. I think that the marrieds don’t have the “pressure” to socialize like singles do, and therefore the table is more relaxed and “chatty”” than at a high-pressure “we’re single and our time is running out so lets talk” singles table. I am 30- my hubby is 37 so most of our guests were in their 30’s. If we were younger and had more single friends, I suppose my approach may have been different, though I don’t know… perhaps that is an angle you can explore?
1) No “and guest” for me, thanks. God knows I never have anyone to ask as a date, and wouldn’t want to drag along a stranger to a wedding if I did.
2) Probably I’d rather be with people I know. I can’t say I’m all that thrilled with being stuck at the “outcasts” table in hopes that I “meet someone.” It’ll be a long dull night if I don’t hit it off with any of them and am stuck there.
3) Well, not trying to fix me up, and not making me feel shame for showing up single.
1. I like being invited “plus one,” but I don’t really care one way or the other. If I were invited “and date,” I wouldn’t take a date unless I were dating someone somewhat seriously. I wouldn’t invite a date just for the sake of having a date.
2. I’d rather be at the singles’ table, actually. I could always walk over to the table where my coupled-off friends are, but if I’m sitting at a table of unattached folks, I won’t have to deal with that moment when all the couples go to the dance floor and I’m left sitting alone.
3. It’s definitely not my friends’ job to cater to any insecurities I might have about being single. If they ask me whether I’d like to be invited “plus one,” or if I’d like to be seated with singles or with friends, to me that’s already above and beyond the call of duty. Someone else’s wedding is not about me, it’s about the couple’s love and celebration. I’m just happy to be a part of it.
I always, always, always want the option of bringing a “guest” because almost all of my friends are married or coupled up. As such, there is rarely a “singles” table and so I end up sitting with work colleagues and weird cousins, if I so not bring a “guest” and decide to fly solo. So, I prefer to bring support with me to the wedding – whether it be a fun male friend or the flavor of the month. I would also rather be seated with my friends – with or without a date – because I like to spend time with my friends at such a special event, and because most of my friends’ boyfriends or husbands will graciously take me for a spin around the dancefloor without being asked.
What makes me feel most comfortable at a wedding is when all of the arrangements are taken care of. For example, when you are getting married at Bronx Botanical and all of your friends live in Manhattan, spend the extra $500 and hire a bus. I am not taking Metro-North in an evening gown, you know. That’s just an example, of course.
When I was single, I only once felt uncomfortable showing up at a friends wedding solo- it was a male friend and I did not know any other person at the wedding- including his wife. And I lived to tell about it. A single person should really try not to be offended when invited stag to a wedding… I think it’s odd that if were you to bring a “flavor of the month” to meet a couple of friends for sunday brunch, everyone would be expected to pay for their own eggs or pancakes, yet suddenly, because it is a wedding, it is OK for you to expect those same friends to shell out $150 so this same FOTM can keep you company in an event where there are 100 other people to keep you company.
Just my 2 cents.
I want to amend that- One always feels semi-uncomfortable showing up anywhere solo- friends weddings no exception. get yourself a glass of wine and a plate of duck a’la ronge and get over it.
It depends on the situation. If the event is one where I would have many friends, then I would not care. Hell, I am not single anymore and I have gone to such events solo when necessary – I spent time with my friends (single and married) and that was what was important. I was seated with my friends, and had fun (in fact my significant other, in some cases, would rather not have to deal with my friends, so it works out for everyone).
If the event is one where i would not know a soul, then it would be nice to have the security of a companion, but its not necessary. Indeed, knowing how exepensive it is the invite anothger guest (at least $100 in most cases), I would understand not inviting “and guest.” Plus, if I have to bring a guest then I have to spend that much more on a present.
When i was single, I normally enjoyed the singles table, as I usually had some single friends to sit with, and was able to additionally meet some new ones. I actually remember some of my married friends express some jealousy when they saw us single guys at the single table with a bunch of really cute single women, and they were stuck at the married table having their wives yell at them to stop eating or whatever. But if I were single now, there would likely be few singles to sit with – most friends are married with kids – and so i would rather sit with the married friends than with the assorted mix of leftover singles.
If I were throwing an event today, i would mix up everyone – singles and marrieds – so guests can both sit with some people they knew, and some people that were new. That way nobody is uncomfortable and everyone can have a good time. Also, i should say that I totally understand the religious separate dancing (and even sep seating!). No dread at being the only one without a partner…
TG:
Hey, hey…the question was about preferences, not “expectations.” I happen to agree with your point of view about payment and expectation but (1) I would PREFER being invited with a guest; (2) if invited without a guest, I would NEVER call and ask to bring one; and (3) if someone invites me with a guest and they know I am not dating someone seriously, I assume they have already made the decision to shoulder the financial burden of my flavor of the month, escort, or friend at their wedding.
Just saying….
TG, I was totally with you in your first comment, and then not so much in your second comment. I always err on the side of forgiveness and understanding when it comes to wedding choices–who’s invited and who’s not are financial decisions, pure and simple. I have a wide group of friends who I know, but not all of them are close friends; I don’t expect to be invited to all of their weddings, even if all my other friends are. Decisions are made by the couple and I respect that.
But, if a bride and groom are extraordinarily sensitive to what it’s like to be single in your 30s at a wedding where everyone else is married, there are things they can do. They’re not expected to, of course. The day is about them and their love. But a call beforehand, like you made, TG is above and beyond the call of duty, and I can say at least for me, would really have been appreciated, even if I didn’t take the couple up on it.
Some of the weddings I’ve had the most fun at have been situations where I’ve met people from both the bride’s and groom’s sides before the wedding–at engagement parties, dreaded bridal showers, bachelorette parties, whatever, so that if my table’s a dud, I can always visit other people.
What also would have been nice is if my other married friends, who told me their husbands would dance with me, had kept their promises.
Don’t know about this thread…I never get invited anywhere .
BREAKING NEWS: JDate added a handy dandy shield so you can easily report any inappropriate behavior and block the member at the same time. Why on earth would they need such a function????
I think it’s better to say “And Guest.” This way, I know that IF I wanted to bring someone, I could. I received an invitation to my cousin’s wedding that bore my name only, even though everyone knew I was dating someone at the time. I had to call my cousin and ask him if it I could bring my boyfriend along. In hindsight, maybe my family was trying to tell me something because they all hated my boyfriend. LOL. For my own wedding, I’m putting “And Guest” on the invitations and I’ve already warned my girlfriends that there will be no cute, single guys at the wedding. Also, I’ve solved the Singles-Only table dilemma by having a buffet and letting everyone sit wherever the hell they want.
Nani, the buffet idea is genius. And likely cheaper, no?
Yes! People are totally amazed that my wedding, not including the booze, will amount to about 64 dollars a person! (Really, a bargain when you consider that the average cost per person is 150 dollars or more).
What caterers are you using for $64 per person? What food options are you given? do tell!
I liked many of the responses above.
Actually I would prefer if the invite read, “By the way, to entice you to come to your niece’s wedding, we have fixed you up with a beautiful (recent picture enclosed), fertile and brilliant Shomer Shabbat lady whom we have told all your favorite jokes to and she thinks they’re a scream, plus her wealthy father owns a multimedia company and would like you to take it over”. Or something like that. Simcha
Simcha forgot to mention the following additional conditions that may be useful here: a.) Said lady has been known to fall passionately & heedlessly in love with any date that accompanies her to the next wedding regardless of his status, height, looks, earnings, earning potential, schools attended, personal peccadilloes, past idiocies or current dating status. And b.) Said lady has not yet attended any weddings in the intervening time period. That ought to clear it up. Appearing in comic books soon! Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Ah, I just got an “and Guest” invite- they’re quite rare in these Holy parts. On the offchance that I decide a guest is a necessary accessory (I’m still deciding) I’ve recruited a couple of my fun male friends to take with me (note more than one, contingency is crucial!) but I think I’d manage to enjoy the evening even without having to fulfil this slightly pressurising social convention.
And re the seating arrangements- I personally like a nice mix of one or two fun (ie those who wish to prove how un-couply they are) couples and and some other cool singles. I think that way, the stigma issues subside for all concerned and you can have a mix of friends and new people.
And a final gem I’ve gleaned over the years is that fun/single tables should *always* be placed near the bar.
hi jdatersanonymous, love yr blog. am posting a link to it on mine.
i’m also a jdater: please check out sexagenarian and the city
at sexagenarian07.wordpress.com and consider posting a link to me.
thanks & good luck.
mimi
:-X
1. “and Guest” please. Otherwise, should the unheard of happen and I happen to meet someone or find a date, I can’t bring anyone. Without the “and Guest,” I would feel like I have to confirm bringing someone.
2. Friends. I’ve given up hope of meeting anyone at a wedding. I’ve been to 4 weddings in the past 2-3 years, 3 of them on my own, all to no avail. Assuming I have friends in attendance, it’s more fun hanging out with them than strangers.
3. Not their problem (unless they want to follow Simcha’s advice above).
I just want to chime in that come this August, September AND October, I have 3 weddings which I will attend on my own (in all likelihood). In two of them, I’m even in the bridal party. While I know they’ll be fun, they will also be a polite form of torture. *sigh*