Group therapy in a blog.
How to Solve the Singles Crisis, Part 2: “Date and Marry Out”/”No, DON’T!!!”
A few weeks ago, someone wrote a singles column that reverberated coast to coast. And it wasn’t me. (Here endeth the jealousy and continueth the discussion.) Over at the Jewish Journal, Rob Eshman wrote about the fact that he knows “too many beautiful, brilliant single Jewish women in their 30s and 40s.”
I hear too many stories about the lack of available Jewish men, the first dates who are too lost or too pathetic, the fights over marriage and children that end the relationship and send the woman, now a bit older, diving back into the ever more shallow pool. But I don’t blame these women, of course not. I blame rabbis.
Rob suggests that rabbis need to lift the restriction on dating and marrying non-Jews, so that the Jewish women facing their 40s can go ahead and have children if they want to, without the stigma of having “married out.”
And if you thought the column was incendiary stuff, check out the letters to the editor that came the next week.
Gentile women don’t seem to find a shortage of Jewish men, one person notes. Although a statement like that–and a conversation with a friend who converted to marry a girlfriend of mine, in which he revealed that his conversion class was more than 90 percent female–makes me wonder if its the other way around.
There’s a lot of anger out there. And it’s damaging us all, maybe to the point of no return, whatever that is. But with a sentiment like that from a Jewish male, boiling down all his dating problems to the women who were “holding out for an Adonis with a heavy wallet,” I have to admit, I’m fighting an urge not to look at him and generalize him as the problem. What’s helping me is the fact that this person has no name. Well, I suppose he does, but here, it’s “Name Withheld By Request,” a common name for people responding to this column. No one wants to go on record about this stuff, and I don’t blame them. I really wonder sometimes what JDaters Anonymous or my column would look like if it were totally anonymous–with the fetters of self-identification removed, might I fall into the same sharp language, the same accusatory tones? I could choose to believe that I’d be a better person than that, but I know I’d be lying to myself.
The question of who’s to blame is not a productive one. What we all need to be is kinder, more open-minded, when regarding the people around us and that familiar-looking stranger in the mirror.
To read How to Solve the Singles Crisis, Part 1, click here.
I too can get depressed about thinking about this. And I like Rob Eshman’s thoughts here. The Commentary article was & is sheer idiocy. We’ve been on that path for years, and it’s still not working all that well.
Past a certain age, there really should be some allowance for humanity. If your dating pools & several dating sites are not working for you, and you’ve been out there for years and years, somethings got to be done. I’ve mentioned this previously, some of this is of our own making. A revolution of expectations in a new generation of truly liberated, well educated women, the largest we’ve ever seen. And they all come to the table with new perfectly rational expectations that are a bit different than ‘mommas’ generation. Marriage means more to them, and they want it to include more. More equality, more compassion, more companionship, more real understanding, more involvement and an easy & willing commitment to family that few singles in their 20’s ever really think about.
Sometimes this does not mesh well culturally and on a timely basis with the guys. By the time they’re ‘ready’ for family, they’re searching for that elusive ‘quiet but shapely younger model’. Then there’s always this baby making stuff to consider. More and more single women, seeing little prospect for a ‘good marriage’ and wanting children, just choose to adopt. You can raise a perfectly respectable healthy Jewish child this way. I think this is also part of the puzzle. Adoption is not an easy thing, and of course it’s a tremendous life long commitment. But if your deepest desire is to raise up a Jewish child, it really needs to be considered too. Marriage to a ‘decent & kind’ Jewish man/woman Can happen later. Perhaps it’s better then when all the time pressures for having kids are somewhat drained from the equation.
But putting more psychologists or social workers on the quest may not accomplish much. I’m all for more research and understanding of the issues. But I remain skeptical that this is an issue with an easy solution. Then we get bone headed conservatives who just come up with the ‘clap/try harder dammit!’ ‘solution’. No, enough is enough. Eshman is right. We’ve tortured a generation of our youth well into middle age, we need to come up with newer approaches and to think anew about the fundamental issues here. If it’s a mitzvah, why not have free Jewish dating services? Why not start this early in colleges? Why not encourage more adoption for yes, middle aged singles?
And yeah, being in NYC we’d need a Manhattan Project to get to the bottom of why NYC Jews, just about the densest population in the world outside of Israel, just can’t seem to get together. Must be the water, right? Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Part of me always wonders, why do many of these Jewish women actually want jewish husbands? For those for whom Judaism is an important part of their life, i understand. But, unfortunately, many jews today look at Judaism as some cultural thing – bagels and comedians, and beyond that there is little substance. Back in my dating days, all too often I had the unfortune of dating Jewish women who would never consider celebrating shabbat and holidays or keeping a kosher home – basic foundations of our religion – and found no future with me. I asked one of these women, who had some close jewish friends marry non-jewish men, why she wanted to date a jew if she had no interested in “being religious” (whether a religious conservative, orthodox or whatever). she really couldnt answer other than (a) her parents would rather her marry a jew and (b) there is a cultural connection that she wouldnt have with non-jews. I replied, “but you dont care about kosher, attending synagogue except for yom kippur, jewish schools for your kids, and saturday is just another weekend day – is it just sharing bagels on sunday morning for you?” is tht why you want a Jewish guy? And, she couldnt answer.
So I ask all nonreligious women, why do you want a Jewish guy? Why does it matter?
Offpoint- these women want what’s familiar and comfortable. Cultural Judaism is familiar and safe for them, even if they have no intention of being practicing Orthodox Jews. It’s got nothing whatsoever to do with religion. It’s all about not wanting to step beyond one’s comfort zone.
Offpoint, I’ll call your BS and that of every other person in ‘the same situation’. Is it common? Perhaps. There’s various ways of measuring the impact, and it gets complicated fast. Are there ways to address this or change it? Definitely. Smile and say ‘I’m willing to teach you…’, and mean it. If they don’t run away screaming (I know that’s a clear hazard), you’re on your way. If it’s one out of 100, you might consider yourself fortunate to have found them. But sometimes romance & relationships are hard work. Your observance level is not going to be the same as someone who’s Reform. Insulting or condemning the entirety of that group, (as is common in some venues), is probably not going to solve the issue here. Each comes to their own understanding, it is almost never the same with or for any 2 people, even when married.
I think perhaps many Jews come to intermarry due to the ‘hassle factor’ alone. They’ve run into one too many people & authorities who tell them that they’re ‘not really Jewish’ unless they’re doing this or that or believe in this Rabbi or interpretation of tradition. They’re sick of being constantly rejected and ostracized, so to them it’s only a little bit further to marry whomever they can find to accept them and desire, and to ‘move on’. Thus we reinforce and help to create this vast pool of ‘only’ culturally affiliated Jews who are deeply disaffected or alienated about or from their religious heritage. Or ones who may be somewhat knowledgeable about their heritage, but no longer actively practicing. How to change this? Well all the invective in the world, the heaped upon curses and the hand wringing of authorities is not going to help.
We need to think anew, and we need new ideas and ways to involve more Jews in their community and with each other. In religious And secular venues. We can sit around and bemoan the quality and state of our Jews, or we can do something with & for them. It’s as simple as that when you get right down to it. Curse the darkness (and whine about it), or bring light and enlightenment.
Cheers, ‘VJ’
I agree, we all look for the comfort zone. But considering how cultural judaism has become so familiar in the US (at least in areas where jews live) – thanks mainly to the jewish presence in media as well as in academic and professional settings – its not uncommon for Joe wasp to know all about, and feel comfortable with, break fast after yom kippur, bagels and lox, bar mitzvah celebrations etc – the trappings of cultural judaism. I know so many people who intermarried (friends and relatives, unfortunately), where the nonjewish spouse had been so familiar with cultural judasim that comfort wasnt an issue, as in their words, they “felt jewish”. In fact in soem cases, to the untrained eye, it was hard to tell which one was the jewish one. Yes, there may be some guilt – at first – or a demand that the spouse convert. But unless the nonjewish spouse comes from an area without jewish ubiquity, comfort isnt an issue. As my Indian friend loves to say – she knows more about judaism than many of her friends, considering she grew up in northern NJ and went to a school that was like 50% jewish.
Once you bring in rituals and observances, comfort is hard to come by. Those hebew prayers in the synagogue, kosher rules, “weird” holidays like sukkot with its ‘palm branches’ and ‘huts’ etc etc. Trust me VJ, many women dont want to make the changes and sacrifice. They want to eat their shrimp, and go out for brunch on saturday morning and not have to worry about two sets of dishes in their home. They say: I am as jewish as you, and i dont need to do any of those rituals. So I say: well yes, you are jewish, but how is it defined? You get no answer other than what I said above, and in the end many admit there isnt much difference with a nonjewish guy as there is with a secular jewish guy.
Yes, there are those women (and men) who will compromise for a relationship. And some may even find meaning and admiration for the changes they must make. But my point is because for many jewish women (and men) their religion is one of “culture”, and as we now live in a muticultural society, where plenty of nonjews are familiar with Jewish culture, without a compelling reason to keep within the faith there seems to be little point in asking single 30-40-something jewish women to limit their marriage prospects. That is why intermarriage is so prevelant. Because for a secular jew it is just as easy to date John McCarthy, the associate down the hall as it is to date Jon Goldstein.
Some good points here OP, But again, we’re talking about cultural definitions and religious definitions that go on to make the greater reality. You can’t really have one w/o the other in some sense. Your argument is for more religion & sacrifice & enforcement of same, and this has been the common thought for millennia. Blame it on the succors of the modern age, it’s ‘softness’ and easy pleasures & relative abundance & riches. It may be that Jews could endure and go on to rally & thrive for 1000’s of years of persecution, pogroms & discrimination. Only to be brought low by Western freedoms, wealth & personal & professional success. The only consolation may be that we’re certainly not alone in this plight. I say we’ve not a Jew to ‘waste’ and we need ways of reintegrating & re- involving them all. I’ve heard enough of this idiotic ‘who’s a Jew’ argument. Academically it may be interesting. Socially, it may even be significant. Operationally, we can’t do anything about it unless they step up and confirm their solidarity and belonging. And that’s a start at least. But thanks for your thoughts. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’
“If it’s a mitzvah, why not have free Jewish dating services?”
There is: check out http://www.chosennet.com. Though it’s not very well known and has the features of more traditional social networking sites like Friendster, it also has the functionality of JDate. And it’s free!
Since when is “opting out” so simple? I have a profile on Jdate and match.com. Initially it was just Jdate but the attention I received from 24 year olds or 50+ men (I’m 34) was underwhelming or lecherous. Let me allow that match prospects are no more promising. I receive a variety of emails, a few from decent prospects but many from men whose sanity is questionable, one match email I received was four pages long and riddled with exclamation points. Unfortunately it isn’t easy to make that connection, no matter what the demographic. My “fall back” is that my children will be Jewish, although far less desirable is to adopt and/or raise the child alone of course. Hey, I’m tryin’ man.
The only way to solve the single crisis is to reeducate young jewish men and women.
I’m a 33 years old israeli, and moved to NYC earlier this year. I have a great job, a great education, a nice apartment in the city, I am charming, experienced, better looking than average and confident with women. When I go out to a bar or a club in NYC I almost always meet interesting, good looking women. But when I go to a jewish singles function, I rarely meet anyone worth writing about. American jewish women complain that they can not find anyone? It’s because you are little princesses that believe that you deserve special treatment and are not aware of your own social standing.
A few months ago I spent three hours waiting at a bar for a jewish girl I met at a jewish function. She was held up at work. She would send me a text message every 30min to keep me updated on her progress. I ended up going home with a 22 year old runway model that I picked up at the bar while waiting. The jewish girl eventually said that she was not sure I was the right material for a long term relationship — as if that is the only option and as if she can tell from two dates that I will not cut it as a husband.
I am sorry for sounding bitter, but I prefer dating out. Non-jewish girls are better looking and have a better attitude.
For me, It’s either getting a girl in Israel or getting some one who is not jewish.
while Rob Eshman’s proposal is a little off the beaten path, it does seem like the answer for a lot of single Jewish women who have spent years and years trying to meet quality Jewish men, only to no avail. singles events, whether we want to admit it or not, do carry a negative connotation with them. we hear stories of people who are so desperate they’re willing to settle for anything as long as it’s Jewish. and no one should be reduced to “settling.”
does this mean that every Jewish woman who is rapidly approaching the deadline in her childbearing years should follow Eshman’s advice? not necessarily. but if the option is between being lonely and childless, or finding a non-Jewish husband that is willing to raise (Jewish) children, chances are most will opt for the latter.