JDaters Anonymous
Group therapy in a blog.
A PREQUEL TO MARRYBLAIRE.COM
320 years
You’ve heard me talk about Marry Blaire (who’s apparently going to be on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360 on Monday 9/20 at 7 pm). Thanks to Petitchou, I’ve also found Marry Theresa, whose site appears to predate Blaire’s by several years.
I wish these ladies loads of luck. But every time I see their sites, I’m reminded of how “not me” they are. I’m even having intellectual problems with the online dating modality–I’m certainly not opening myself up to random proposals from men across the United States.
I guess that, to a certain extent, my writing on this site and My Urban Kvetch does make me vulnerable to criticism and proposals of both the wanted and unwanted variety. Maybe I’m more comfortable opening up my inner world of writing and thought as opposed to my outer world of photographs and lists of “romantic must-haves.”
Although I don’t think online dating has a stigma in the sense that it used to have, I still think that the JDate format, where someone sees my profile and makes a snap judgement about my dateability based on photo (hopefully also taking into account a few of the words I’ve penned about myself, as well), is not my ideal. I’m on JDate (even if I’m an unpaid member right now), but I still want to meet someone in the “normal” ways, through friends, in the humor section at Barnes and Noble, at parties, at synagogue services. I want the chemistry between us to be palpably physical, but also deeper and more emotional. I’m still looking for that undefinable something, as opposed to the checklist of options that help JDaters narrow down their search. But that’s just me.
REFLECTIONS
020 years
Thanks for visiting JDaters Anonymous. I’ll be taking a Rosh Hashanah break through Saturday night, September 18. See you back here then…in the interim, feel free to peruse past posts, and check out my latest post at My Urban Kvetch.
Shanah tovah u’metukah. Wishing you all a happy and sweet new year.
HEY, SISTER–SOUL SISTER, GO SISTER…
120 years
There are tons of blogs out there. These are a few of my favorites which are penned (keyed?) by women in their twenties and thirties who are looking for love and finding it both humorous and exasperating:
Chayyei Sarah
Chayyei Sarah reports that she ran into an old college friend who now is one of the shadchans (matchmakers) at Saw You at Sinai:
She said “You have to understand, in all of Israel, there are over 300 women signed up for the service [she may have said closer to 400, but I don’t remember] and only 30 men.”I said “You mean to tell me that in the entire country, there are 30 men signed up, and more than 10 times that number of women?”She said “Yes. And when you factor in that those 30 men are in different age ranges and different hashkafot [religious perspectives/approaches], the chances of any one woman having a man on the site who is remotely for her dims considerably.”
This reminds me of that quote from Sleepless in Seattle (prepare for pre-9/11 reference to terrorism…apologies if anyone’s offended…) where someone notes that it’s more likely for a woman over 30 to be killed in a terrorist attack than it is for her to get married. When Meg Ryan and Rosie O’Donnell are discussing it, they decide that it doesn’t matter if it is true. Because whether or not it is true, it feels true.
30 men. 300 women. At this rate, Israel could override the Rabbenu Gershom decree outlawing polygamy in Judaism.
Boys…not liking your odds in NY? Try Israel. Of course, if you do, that even further decreases the men-to-women ratio for we NYC chicks. As if it doesn’t feel low enough already…
SuperJux
H. lives and loves L.A… from SpeedDatingGuy to JDate, from those guys who are “hit by the bus” (you ladies understand) to major surgery, she blogs all. Gonna meet her soon..can’t wait.
This Fish
This Fish needs a book contract. But don’t we all.
In a Kingdom By the Sea
The lovely and sensitive Annabel Lee shares her thoughts on B#1, B#2 and others, as she navigates the singles jungle.
Ari Goes Down
Ari hearts Bush. But I read her anyway. I’m all apolitical and stuff. Plus, she’s supercool, has a unique approach to single life and doesn’t care what you think about her. I admire the heck outta that.
E-Date Chronicles
A new find:
This site asks readers to submit the most absurd profiles that they find in perusing online dating services. I have often pointed out absurd or preposterous elements of people’s profiles, but without using their names. I urge you all, that if you decide to submit profiles to this site that you do so without using people’s names. I just feel like it’s less gossipy…
“Many genuine and kind-hearted people have taken to the Internet in recent years to find their soul mate. Even though each E-Dating site employs a unique method for finding a suitable mate, they all share a common weakness namely, people who post preposterous profiles. The mission of the E-Date Chronicles is to use humor in pointing out the absurdity contained in such profiles. Please send us any preposterous profiles you feel to be deserving of the E-Date Chronicle ‘treatment’. ”
Got a sister site to recommend? Recommendations welcome. Endorsements by Esther not guaranteed.
RIDING TO ROMANCE
020 years
Catch a cab, get a date
This article in the Wall Street Journal is about a cabbie named Mr. Ibrahim who asks selected riders if they are single and looking. If they are, he records a short audio interview with them, and sets them up when he meets a rider who he thinks might be a suitable date:
Mr. Ibrahim finds that New Yorkers are a tough crowd to please. “All the guys want Britney Spears,” says Mr. Ibrahim, “And the girls are very, very picky.”
Oh, he’s not wrong, in either case…
The Tall and the Short of It
New Yid on the blog The Buddha comments about the height issue. If you’ve been dating in the Jewish community, you know what I mean. Most Jewish women are looking for a taller man, even if they themselves are more petite women. (I had one friend who was just five feet tall, and often dated men who were 6’3 or 6’4. I maintain that there’s no need to date someone more than a foot taller than you.) And a lot of men have a psychological problem dating someone taller. The Buddha wants you to know that he doesn’t have this problem.
But you know what the real issue is? I think that people focus on height because it’s an unchangeable, objective tangible, as opposed to something that’s less subjective like personality or sense of humor, or chemistry. You click with someone, and sometimes you can identify why. But the lack of click sometimes needs a scapegoat too. And I think people use height as that kind of patsy, as a way to rule someone out in a way that “doesn’t really hurt their feelings,” because after all, you can’t change your height. Unless you have that Willy Wonka stretching machine that he used on Mike Teevee after he was turned into a Mini-Mike after being sent by television.
Also, the fact that height is not objective is the reason that so many women on JDate are upset when guys lie on their profiles about this element. If you’re 5’5, and claim 5’9, and we meet you, we’re gonna know. Even if you wear lifts on the first date, at some point, those shoes are coming off and then we’ll know. Representing yourself as four-to-six inches taller represents a divorcement from reality–we only care if you lie. So, an unsolicited but helpful hint: Be honest about your height at the forefront. I know it’s hard, but it’s better in the long run.
ALL OVER FOR AMY
020 years
I’ve been all over the place for Amy Sohn.
Many miles, many trains. Three trains to Brooklyn to interview her last week. Another three today to her reading at the Barnes and Noble on Astor Place. (And that latter three was after a morning spent soaked to the skin after the monsoon that somehow penetrated the near-impregnable subway system.)
Her columns–“Female Trouble” and “Naked City”–are a braver, rawer, less Jewy version of my own. The notoriety of her subject matter is something I’m not sure I want for my own, but I certainly don’t mind being around it once in a while. Genuinely funny, so much prettier than the sullenness of the book jacket photo would have you believe, Amy is surprisingly down-to-earth. Especially for a sex columnist.
And all the miles? It was worth it, if only to hear her say “Being a writer is like a fusion of being a rabbi and an actress.” (Hmm. Both careers I’ve had suggested to me at various points in my life. Why didn’t I think of this?)
I’ll write more about the interview at a later date. For now, check out her new book, My Old Man (which I keep calling “This Old Man”) and her column in this week’s New York Magazine, about the dates who fade away. Men and women, we’ve all been guilty of this one.
Any other dating sins to confess? Feel free.
A JDATE IN A KINGDOM BY THE SEA; FRUSTRATION IN THE HOLY LAND
120 years
JDaters Anonymous wishes strength and future happiness to two of my dear blog comrades in arms:
Annabel Lee (who’s way cool for naming her blog after a poem by one of my favorite masters of the macabre: Edgar Allan Poe) has happened upon tough JDate times. Backwards compliments, borderline racism, and just plain insensitivity have shown our Miss Annabel that would-be gentleman callers who routinely use the word “screw” on a first date are not worth her future time. Unless he does call again and asks for her feedback–then I say, fill out a complete post-date survey. I’m happy to help you write one in advance of his call, Annabel.
Over in another kingdom, in a far off Holy Land, Chayyei Sarah decides not to wallow in self-pity and appreciates the good things in her life, but that doesn’t stop her from wanting more. And so she should. It’s hard to see what you have and note that your life is better than so many others. But we will always see our lives for what they could be, the better version we’re sure is just steps away. This is a good thing, the way I see it. It keeps us driven toward achievement in different areas. But taking time out to appreciate what we already do have keeps us grounded. So, Sarah, keep the faith. Disappointments happen, but most are not eternal in terms of their impact. I quote the immortal Matthew Wilder: “Ain’t nothing gonna break-a my stride/Nobody gonna hold me down/Oh no–I’ve got to keep on moving.” You’ll find him. And when you do, we’ll all join together in a blogospheric hora.
Sisters, we at JDaters Anonymous support you.
DEAR DIARY: TODAY I AM A CATCHPHRASE
020 years
My life dreams have all been attained. In one week, I’ve become a new genre, inspired a catchphrase that’s undoubtedly sweeping the nation faster than you can say “Baby Fish Mouth,” and I’ve been compared to Molly Ringwald.
You all know that I really like my JDate profile. It used to begin “Funny, smart and sassy…” until I met Evan and he criticized my use of adjectives. So I changed it, and came up with something catchy…”Too cool for shul, but I go anyway. Sometimes.” This is actually a perfect description of me–couldn’t have written it better myself. (Um, right.)
Anyway, imagine my surprise when I saw this catchphrase listed as a headline on JRant. It linked to a post on JDaters Anonymous regular Passionate Life, in which P-Life recounts his perusal of my profile and the subsequent adoption of my catchphrase by his entire family over Shabbat dinner. Clearly, he didn’t sleep enough that night (or since), because he also thinks I look like Molly Ringwald. (Whatever…like I told him, I’ll take it!)
Later in the post, P-Life submerges himself in a reverie in which he imagines the girls he loved in high school and actually invents a prom. Since no one’s ever written an ode to me, let alone created an imaginary prom, because of something I wrote, I’m flattered!
To reward him for comparing me to an 80s icon, let’s send good JDaters Anonymous karma over to P-Life…
ALL MY CHILDREN
020 years
And by “children,” I mean my columns. (Self-promotion alert…)
I thought it was time to post my master list of singles columns, here for your reading and commenting pleasure.
“Separation Anxiety”–On the subject of separate seating at weddings
(NY Jewish Week, 8/27/04)
“Darkness Visible” –Singles column about spiritual darkness and an actual blackout
(NY Jewish Week, 8/13/04)
“The Blaire Hitched Project”–An interview with “MarryBlaire.com”‘s Blaire Allison
(NY Jewish Week, 7/30/04)
“Life After Sex & the City”–An Interview with writer Cindy Chupack
(NY Jewish Week, 7/16/04)
“A New Profile, a New You”–Revising my JDate profile, with help from E-Cyrano.com
(NY Jewish Week, 6/11/04)
“Activism, With a Side of Love”–The social scene at the UJC Young Leadership Conference
(NY Jewish Week, 5/07/04)
“Adam Mesh, Average Mensch”–An interview with reality TV’s “Average Joe” and his parents
(NY Jewish Week, 4/09/04)
“Seuss and the City”–A poem on living Jewish and single in NYC
(NY Jewish Week, 03/06/04)
“HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU”
120 years
The ladies know what I’m talking about. Probably some of the men, too. That “Sex and the City” episode where that guy doesn’t call Miranda and Berger tells her the secret: “He’s just not that into you.”
Check out this article in the Washington Post about the phenomenon, and the L.A.-based comic and former “straight male” advisor to the late, beloved show who’s written a book about it.
Warning…not for the faint of heart. Contains phrases like: When you Google “Why didn’t he call?” you get more than 1,500 hits…a column on AskMen.com called How to Reject the Girl You Don’t Want…. When a guy is truly interested in a woman, he pursues her. That’s the way it’s always been, he says, and equality hasn’t changed it…and MORE delightful tidbits…
All I’m sayin’ is, if you can’t handle the truth, don’t order the code red.
GOOD NEWS…
120 years
(Cross-posted from My Urban Kvetch)
This just in, good news for Superfreelancer… My Jewish Week column, First Person Singular, is now going to be running every other week, instead of every fourth week. That means twice as many pieces on living single and Jewish in NYC. And that, in turn, means that I will probably find a boyfriend tomorrow, and be rendered so immobile with happiness that I’ll be unable to muster the energy, let alone the creativity, to come up with topics of interest to singles.
OK, it’s a bit of an exaggeration (there’s no boyfriend on the horizon, and I’ve still got about a dozen ideas in the creative hopper). But still, I need your help. I’m putting together a dating questionnaire that I hope some people will consider filling out and sending back to me. If you’d like a survey sent to you, please email me and I’ll add you to the list of people who are absolutely guaranteed* to go to Heaven for helping me. Thank you!
*Not a guarantee.