JDaters Anonymous

It’s like an episode of Friends. I know. They don’t know I know. Or they wish I didn’t. But I do. Still, no one says a thing. I’ve asked, and had my queries laughed at. But I’d have to be an idiot to not know.

Of course it would be hard to learn, finally, after so much time and energy spent wondering and multiple denials, that such suspicions were more than just paranoia, but I always remember the old phrase: Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. Not because they hate you. Because they love you, and they don’t know how to tell you. They’re afraid of how it might affect you, and they’re right to be. But the truth is more important, because I’ve asked before, and they’ve lied. For my own good, they undoubtedly told themselves in justification, but still. There it is. The object that obstructs my moving forward. The roadkill that used to be my trusting heart. I understand why they’re scared to say anything.

There may be another angle, that they’re scared to vocalize, to admit to themselves in a way that might make it real. So let’s bring yet another elephant into the room and try to ignore that one, too.

Of course, they don’t have to tell me, because I already know. The facts already affect me, almost as much as the lies by omission. And in this state, still wounded, we’re all trapped here together, without any chance for progress or hope of sutures.

Still, with them knowing I know, it would be nice to finally know. You know?

Loneliness is a funny thing. Not in the “har-dee-har-har” type of way, obviously. But in a grander sense, loneliness is not defined by who you’re with or who you’re not with; it’s an inner state that sometimes dwells dormant and other times explodes, or simmers, corroding from within, and sometimes even seems one of the more self-indulgent of emotional states.

Who are we to feel lonely? We can seek out the company of others. We can momentarily drown out the refrains of “I’mlonelyI’mlonelyI’mlonely” with loud music or distracting movies or sorting socks in drawers or fiddling with digital photos and blog templates.

You can feel lonely in a room full of people. You can feel lonely and alone inside your head. You can feel lonely in a point of view, or political opinion, or on the highways and freeways even as cars or thoughts speed by. You can feel lonely in the contemplation of a strong, or suffering, spiritual state. You can feel lonely in the excruciating moment you realize a hoped-for romance has turned platonic. You can feel lonely as you notice love or beauty in others and know that you have no part in it.

You can feel lonely because you yourself are sad, or dissatisfied, or bored, or frustrated. You can feel lonely when you’re the only one who understands the situation fully. You can feel lonely when you know friends are keeping things from you, even if their intentions are good. You can feel lonely at your own birthday party. You can feel lonely on a beach, or driving through a canyon, or watching a sunset. You can feel lonely knowing that there’s a joke or reference you’re not a part of; and even if you have it explained to you by insiders, you still don’t find it funny, and knowing it doesn’t make you one of them. It never will. And that’s lonely.

According to Reuters, there’s this Manhattan doctor who pretended to be single in order to woo two women who he met online; furthermore, he told them that they had been married in their past lives and that in this life, they were bound to rectify the mistakes they had made while married in that past life. Still following? Good. Because here’s the kicker, that guy who was married in his past life to these two women? Was also married in this life…

A Manhattan fertility specialist has been sued by two women who say he broke their hearts after meeting them through an online dating site on which he pretended to be single.

In their lawsuits the two women, Tiffany Wang and Jing Huang, accused Dr. Khaled Zeitoun, 46, of pretending to be single and using mind games to entice them into sexual relationships with tales of past lives.

According to court papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court and made public this week, Zeitoun is married with three children. Wang said she met him in March 2001 through a Web site on which he said he was single and had never married.

“Zeitoun claimed he and Wang had been married to each other in previous lives,” Wang’s lawsuit said, adding that the doctor told her he had mistreated her in that life and “searched for her in this lifetime to correct his past mistakes.”

Wang says that in May 2002, he asked her to marry him but only proposed “to see the look of joy on her face.”

His marriage ended in 2004. And I bet he never saw it coming.

Over the last three weeks, three different guys (who I would have considered potentials) have told me that they’ve “given up on dating.”

Is that “guy code” for “I’m just not that into you”?

Thoughts?