Group therapy in a blog.
Esther Kustanowitz
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Posts by Esther Kustanowitz
Singles Columnist War
519 years
I know two people who have written for the Jewish Week Singles column. Both of us are unmarried.
Two columnists for the Jewish Journal, however, are engaged and/or married. (The first one proposed here, and assured us all that she had accepted, here. The second one announced his engagement–by cursing JDate for ruining his chances of becoming a singles columnist–here.)
The two JW columnists are women.
The two JJ columnists are men.
Plus, more than one someone has suggested that the reason I’m not dating more is that men are afraid they’ll be under a microscope and pop up either here, on My Urban Kvetch, or in my Jewish Week column. My predecessor told me that she experienced the same thing. But these JJ columnists, both men, don’t seem to have experienced that fear from women. What does that say?
Maybe it’s just a difference between L.A. and NYC…a more laid-back, sunsoaked approach leads to sunnier, more optimistic choices? (The other JW columnist is now in the L.A. area, in a serious relationship, so we’ll test this theory in vivo.)
What, dear readers, are we to surmise from this sample of four? Is the divide along lines of gender, or geography? Or is the coincidence just that, a meaningless item of non-information, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?
Blaire’s Latest Brilliance
519 years
From she who brought you MarryBlaire in a search for her husband-to-be:
The “Do You Know My Husband” t-shirt.…available in the figure-embracing and realistic body image-promoting sizes of small and medium.
Wanna create a knockoff and sell it out of a garbage bag on a folding table near Times Square? Not so fast…they’re trademarked.
“Is He Interested?”
1019 years
He’s flirting with you at the office. At least, you think he is. Actually, now that you think about it, it’s kind of hard to tell. Is he a) interested in you romantically or b) does he just feel comfortable enough with you to push certain boundaries over the line into murkiness without feeling obligated to follow up with any kind of risky overture?
If you’re the author of this blog, the answer is b. Oh hell, let’s face it…in most cases, the answer is b.
If you’re not, you may enjoy reading/participating in this discussion over at DoctorLoveCoach.
UPDATE NOVEMBER 8, courtesy of tonight’s episode of “The Office”:
“You know it’s not a date when she goes home to her fiance.”
Threatening Chain Letter or Fun, Friendly Meme?
219 years
I get at least six chain emails a week, all threatening me with dire luck in love unless I pass the email on to anywhere between four and four hundred friends…well, I’m taking control of my life back. This used to be a chain email, but now I’m declaring it a fun and friendly meme that functions much as those “fortune tellers” we used to use back in the elementary school day. (Did anyone see that episode of South Park? Spot friggin’ on.)
So here it is, and this absolves me of the “responsibility” of passing it on and therefore circumvents my potential for even worse luck in love than I’m having now. And I’ve actually done you all the service of deleting the threat at the end about bad luck in love, so the karma, such as it is, stops with me…
And if #11 actually happens as a result of my posting this email to the blog, I’ll print out a copy of this meme and eat it. Enjoy, or skip…totally up to you…
By the way, I’m a 42. And way too sexy for this test.
The “How Sexy Are You?” Test…..
GET A PIECE OF PAPER AND NUMBER IT 1-11
(NO CHEATING) SEE YOUR RESULTS BELOW: WHEN YOU SEND IT ON PUT YOUR SCORE IN THE SUBJECT
1. WHAT SHADE ! OF HAIR DO YOU HAVE? a) Dark b) Light
2. OUT ON A DATE WOULD YOU WANT TO: a) Go to a party? b) Go out to eat?
3. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR OUT OF: a) Baby-Pink b) Yellow c) Baby-Blue d) Turquoise
4. PICK YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY OUT OF: a) Surfing b) Skate-Boarding c) Skiing
5. IF YOU COULD PICK A STORE OUT OF THE FOLLOWING, WHICH WOULD IT BE? a) Louie Vuitton (shoes) b) Coach (Sport) c) Against all odds (Clothes)
6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE OUT OF THE FOLLOWING? a) Hawaii b) London c) Florida
7. IN THE SUMMER WOULD YOU RATHER GO TO: a) The Beach? b) Somewhere Cooler?
8. WHAT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY MONTH? a) January b) February c) March d) April e) May f) June g) July h) August i) September j) October k) November l) December
9. WOULD YOU RATHER: a) Chill at home b) Go out with friends
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INSTRUMENT OUT OF: a) Guitar b) Bass guitar c) Drums d) The Triangle
11) NAME A PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
====NOW MAKE A WISH!==
**ANSWERS**
1. a) dark=sexy [5points] b) light=sweet [2points]
2. a) go to a party=playful [2 points] b) go out to eat=romantic [5points]
3. a) baby-pink=cute [2] b) yellow=loud [3] c) baby-blue=cool [5] d) turquoise=sexy [5]
4. a) surfing=active [2] b) skateboarding=determined [2] c) skiing=daring [5]
5. a) Louie Vuitton=tasteful[7] b) Coach=laid back[2] c) Againt all odds=stylish[5]
6. a) hawaii=you like being around people [2] b) London=You are quiet,and like the cold [2] c) Florida=You like to party! [5]
7. a) beach=tan, likes the sun [5] b) somewhere cooler = pale and original [2]
8. a) January=popular [5] b) February=lovely [2] c) March=loud [2] d) April=playful[5] e) May=happy [5] f) June=chills a lot[5] g) July=smooth [2] h) August=fun [5] i) September=quiet [2] j) October=out-going [2] k) November=pimpin’ it [5] l) December=warm [2]
9. a) home=quiet, romantic [5] b) go out with friends=crazy [5]
10. a) guitar=eye-catching [5] b) bass-guitar=mellow [2] c) Drums=loud [2] d) Triangle=crazy [5]
11. This person will fall in love with you!
SCORES!!!!
UP TO 20 = Not so Sexy 21-35 = Rather sexy 36+ = Too Sexy for this Test!!!!
IF YOU SEND THIS TO: 0-5 people: your wish will not come true> 6-9 people: your wish will come true within 6 months 10-15 people: it will come true within 2 weeks 16-20 people: in a day or 2 it will come true 21-30: sooooooo soon
Isn’t It Ironic? Don’t You Think? Or Is It?
1119 years
Rain on your wedding day is not ironic. It’s unfortunate. But hey, at least you’re getting married.
Having ten thousand spoons–when all you need is a knife–is annoying. (Who ever wants ten thousand spoons? I mean, really.)
Win the lottery, and die the next day? That just sucks. Tragic, yes–ironic? Not so much.
I’ve never been good at providing a one-sentence definition for irony (admittedly, Alannis is even worse at it). I always have to look it up.
Still, it strikes me today that the initial post on loneliness I did a few weeks ago was inspired by someone who asked me about its nature and then proceeded to drift away. He hasn’t been in touch in a while, leaving me lonely. And I can’t decide if that’s irony or tragedy. Or maybe it’s just symbolically appropriate–as if by initiating the discussion, he primed me for the loneliness that followed.
“Appalling Male Behavior, Aisle 2…”
819 years
Oy vey. Not to overwhelmingly harp on appalling male dating behavior, but I felt the need to share this from Chayyei Sarah, writing from Jerusalem.
The nutshell? They connected. She felt great. And then he went loony tunes. (That’s my synopsis, not hers. Visit and see for yourself.)
And if you feel the urge to leave her a message of hope and encouragement, I’m quite certain that would be a mitzvah.
Random Dating Thought of the Day
1619 years
Boy, Kissing Jessica Stein is a great movie.
Great comic script, deft performances by the newcomers and by Tovah Feldshuh alike, even with an actually positive and authentic portrayal of Jewish life.
Makes temporary lesbianism (and/or Scott Cohen/Josh Meyers/Max Medina; and/or writing a great new independent comedy film) look like a really good idea.
I’m just saying. Let’s “let it marinate.”
In The Air
619 years
In the air, I wonder if love is who you think about during agitated turbulence, as the skies remind you that there but for the grace of tons of steel somehow defying gravity go you. I wonder if love is in the quiet moments afterwards, the serenity of a near-perfect quiet punctuated only by a persistent, engine-hum that vibrates into your seat, which, you remember hearing, may also function as a floatation device. I wonder because I have no idea. I wonder, because up here, there’s only wonder and wondering, because none of this–soaring on wings of hope and metal–should be possible. And in that, it seems just like love. Or so I’ve heard.
These clouds up here look like every cliché ever assigned, but most of all like marshmallow fluff, sickeningly sweet and endlessly, irresistibly inviting. I look to them to re-effervesce my flattened optimism and enable me to believe that someday, there will be an end to this scenario, that it will not endlessly repeat forever the way it always has repeated until now and until now.
Until then, I’m stuck within my circular circumstance, immobile in the unreciprocated and in awe of my infallible ability to misinterpret the words and cues of others is what is dooming me to loneliness. I’m trapped with no egress, like in a plane, a serf in a pilot’s kingdom, doomed to suffer the rest of the journey as a captive witness to the proceedings, bobbing on the wind and whim of weather, or deity, or captain, my captain.
The Week in (Jewish) Dating
1219 years
OK, I’m trying again:
Part 2: The Week in Jewish Dating….
In Losing My Religion: The Dating Game, Groin’s Grab (bear with the name….he’s an Aussie, and I’m sure it means something different Down Under…) ponders the high cost of JDate:
The cost of subscribing to JDate is nearly double that of subscribing to a general, non-Jewish singles website. Even though both sites are owned by the same company, with the same look, feel, technology and presumably, set up cost.
Why? I think it’s because, as I’ve said before, kosher meat is more expensive [FX: snare drum].
But GG has another theory: “I believe that this represents the desperation amongst singles in the Jewish community to find their significant other,” he says. After much discussion of the whys and hows that Jewish dating in Sydney is lacking, he comes to a conclusion: I reiterate that the greatest threat to the survival and continuity of the Jewish community is the anti-social behaviour of young, single Jews. In fact, it defies logic that Jewish youth are so pre-occupied with fighting this anti-social behaviour with the intention of propogating it for generations to come. So, to fix the problems facing my people, I’ve decided to throw a party. A massive party. An appeal. I’m going to call it the Jewish Sex Appeal. Keynote speaker Ron Jeremy. The largest game of Spin the Bottle in Jewish community history. A room full of closets that potential couples can be locked in, until magic happens. It will break down the walls of inhibition for good. Sex to save the religion. Now, there’s a concept we can all get into.
Speaking of sex, or the lack thereof, it’s time we checked in with Nice Jewish Girl, who is still very much living up to her name, despite the fact that she’s actually been kissed now…Many of her readers are thrilled for her. Others call her a sinner. Read about the controversy her decision to part (at least partially/temporarily) with shomer negiah ways here.
Nice Jewish Girl and I have something in common: we were both the targets of much ire by a blogger named “Not Godol Hador,” who wrote some opinionated thoughts about our postings. Ever our hero, P-Life was so upset on our behalf that he decided to embrace anger in the new year. (We’re touched, really.) Chayyei Sarah also reacted to Godol’s post:
Of course, Godol may simply argue that I’m not, in fact, too picky, I’m just one of those people who “have emotional problems and need some serious therapy.” Because that would explain why I’m still single, given that everyone who does manage to fall in love and develop a stable relationship and get married is, by definition, perfectly emotionally healthy and doesn’t need therapy at all. They give you a marriage license only if you are completely free of hang-ups. It
couldn’t possibly be that I’m simply unlucky, or the victim of other people’s pickiness, or that I have an unusual set of qualities that makes me hard to match up, or that there is some wider social problem going on that I would happily escape if I could. If I didn’t have “emotional problems” before, I probably do now. You would too, after hundreds (if not thousands), of dates.
But maybe her karma is changing, since she subsequently had a good experience at a singles event. (Here’s hoping…)
Let it not be said that JDaters Anonymous is all about fluff or dating-related complaints. We’re also about learning stuff. Here’s part one of rabbinical student Drew Kaplan’s treatise on Jewish dating and his more text-oriented approach to Pornography for women in the Jewish Tradition.
Over in La-La Land, Hilary gets a Jdate email from someone who is either a Nigerian prince or the manolo (or the rahulio). And Annabel Lee’s trying to figure out if her new guy is worth the different kinds of crazy he’s making her…
In Esther news…since hoped-for potentials have, er, vanished, I’m trying JMatch. Let’s see if it makes any kind of difference… so far, I’ve been contacted by one guy (with a nearly empty profile) whose contact I nicely declined, but who keeps after me, sending his phone number (which, btw, I never asked for) and begging me to call. Meantime, I have twenty new emails over at JDate…I’m thinking about rejoining for a month to test the newly redesigned site. What do y’all think? Should I pay my $30 to “the man” for a month of access to chat rooms and emails?
In my columns, I’m committing to the concept of change, and to guilt-tripping.
Coming soon, First Person Singular takes its readers inside a Jewish singles event…stay tuned for more excitement in next week’s installment of the Weeeeeek….innnnnn….Daaaaaatinnnnnng…