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“Appalling Shadchan Behavior, Aisle 3…”
419 years
For the benefit of my non-Hebraically inclined readers, a shadchan is a matchmaker. The matchmaker’s job is, of course, to match an eligible, perhaps compatible man with an eligible, perhaps compatible woman. Depending on the matchmaking organization, eligibility may be determined by middos (ethical values), net worth, geographical location, religious hashkafah (point of view), or middos (physical measurements). Without arguing the relative merits or meanings of these criteria for matches, let’s just move on to the subject at hand.
Sweet Rose, a longtime reader of this blog and bloggerette herself, writes about why she’s not rejoining Saw You At Sinai, an online matchmaking service–she’s had bad experiences with the site, having not matched with a single person during her membership (I feel ya, sister–that’s my story too). But beyond that disappointment were experiences like this one:
But last night’s story is the absolute worst. A friend was telling me about a friend of hers (who I have met several times) who recently got dressed up, put on make-up, did her hair, and had someone take a very nice picture of her. She posted this photo on SYAS and received an incredibly rude e-mail, completely unsolicited, from a shadchan on the site. This e-mails subject line itself was “EW.” The e-mail consisted of berating and ridiculing remarks regarding this woman’s picture. Name-calling was even resorted to. The woman who received this e-mail was in tears after reading it.
This is the worst e-mail I have heard of, but not the only one. Who on earth gave the shadchanim the idea that it is okay to treat anyone in such a manner? Who taught these supposedly frum individuals that it is under the guise of Torah to give unsolicited criticism in a mean and cruel manner? What on earth was this woman thinking in writing such an e-mail?
Just because a person is single entitles no one, not even a shadchan who is “helping” that single, to be rude and cruel. I know many shadchanim received less than grateful responses from singles, and that is absolutely not justifiable either. But calling names and breaking down the self-esteem of women, for no reason that I can fathom, is ridiculously disgusting.
She’s right, no question. I’ve heard decent things about SYAS and about its leadership, so I’m going to assume that this one person is an aberration. An unforgivable aberration, but still not the norm. The worst thing I can say about SYAS is that for me it was ineffective, not further damaging to my self-esteem.
She continues: What worries me the most is that this is not an isolated incident…One of my friends questioned whether men on SYAS get the same treatment, considering the fact that I have heard there are many more women on the site than men. I honestly don’t personally know any men who are on SYAS, but I would be interested to know whether any of them have received such e-mails.
I haven’t done the research and therefore may be speaking out of turn (or out of my, well, you know), but I feel comfortable saying that men don’t get these sorts of emails. Like it or not, there’s a huge imbalance in the way women and men are treated by traditional Judaism, and the imbalance is also clear when it comes to the value of a single Jewish man as opposed to the value of a single Jewish woman.
It’s no secret from anyone who reads my column or this blog that one of my central issues with the Orthodox movement is the way it treats singles, especially single women in their thirties and “Godforbidforties”: as “a crisis,” thinking that if the community puts enough pressure on singles, they’ll marry and do their due to the Jewish people by procreating. Never mind that some people, for whatever reason, may not WANT children…Or that most singles aren’t just sitting around twiddling their thumbs, waiting for Mr. or Ms. Right to knock at their doors.
There are those who say we’re being too picky. And then there are others who say that dealing with the nightmare of dating in the (let’s just say) traditional Jewish world — as evidenced by creepy guys at kiddush, nightmare singles shabbatonim and horrific shadchan encounters — are enough to turn anyone off, not just to the process of looking for a soulmate, but to the traditional Jewish community in general.
And that is–or soon will be–the true crisis.
Singles Columnist War
519 years
I know two people who have written for the Jewish Week Singles column. Both of us are unmarried.
Two columnists for the Jewish Journal, however, are engaged and/or married. (The first one proposed here, and assured us all that she had accepted, here. The second one announced his engagement–by cursing JDate for ruining his chances of becoming a singles columnist–here.)
The two JW columnists are women.
The two JJ columnists are men.
Plus, more than one someone has suggested that the reason I’m not dating more is that men are afraid they’ll be under a microscope and pop up either here, on My Urban Kvetch, or in my Jewish Week column. My predecessor told me that she experienced the same thing. But these JJ columnists, both men, don’t seem to have experienced that fear from women. What does that say?
Maybe it’s just a difference between L.A. and NYC…a more laid-back, sunsoaked approach leads to sunnier, more optimistic choices? (The other JW columnist is now in the L.A. area, in a serious relationship, so we’ll test this theory in vivo.)
What, dear readers, are we to surmise from this sample of four? Is the divide along lines of gender, or geography? Or is the coincidence just that, a meaningless item of non-information, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?
Blaire’s Latest Brilliance
519 years
From she who brought you MarryBlaire in a search for her husband-to-be:
The “Do You Know My Husband” t-shirt.…available in the figure-embracing and realistic body image-promoting sizes of small and medium.
Wanna create a knockoff and sell it out of a garbage bag on a folding table near Times Square? Not so fast…they’re trademarked.
“Is He Interested?”
1019 years
He’s flirting with you at the office. At least, you think he is. Actually, now that you think about it, it’s kind of hard to tell. Is he a) interested in you romantically or b) does he just feel comfortable enough with you to push certain boundaries over the line into murkiness without feeling obligated to follow up with any kind of risky overture?
If you’re the author of this blog, the answer is b. Oh hell, let’s face it…in most cases, the answer is b.
If you’re not, you may enjoy reading/participating in this discussion over at DoctorLoveCoach.
UPDATE NOVEMBER 8, courtesy of tonight’s episode of “The Office”:
“You know it’s not a date when she goes home to her fiance.”
Threatening Chain Letter or Fun, Friendly Meme?
219 years
I get at least six chain emails a week, all threatening me with dire luck in love unless I pass the email on to anywhere between four and four hundred friends…well, I’m taking control of my life back. This used to be a chain email, but now I’m declaring it a fun and friendly meme that functions much as those “fortune tellers” we used to use back in the elementary school day. (Did anyone see that episode of South Park? Spot friggin’ on.)
So here it is, and this absolves me of the “responsibility” of passing it on and therefore circumvents my potential for even worse luck in love than I’m having now. And I’ve actually done you all the service of deleting the threat at the end about bad luck in love, so the karma, such as it is, stops with me…
And if #11 actually happens as a result of my posting this email to the blog, I’ll print out a copy of this meme and eat it. Enjoy, or skip…totally up to you…
By the way, I’m a 42. And way too sexy for this test.
The “How Sexy Are You?” Test…..
GET A PIECE OF PAPER AND NUMBER IT 1-11
(NO CHEATING) SEE YOUR RESULTS BELOW: WHEN YOU SEND IT ON PUT YOUR SCORE IN THE SUBJECT
1. WHAT SHADE ! OF HAIR DO YOU HAVE? a) Dark b) Light
2. OUT ON A DATE WOULD YOU WANT TO: a) Go to a party? b) Go out to eat?
3. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR OUT OF: a) Baby-Pink b) Yellow c) Baby-Blue d) Turquoise
4. PICK YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY OUT OF: a) Surfing b) Skate-Boarding c) Skiing
5. IF YOU COULD PICK A STORE OUT OF THE FOLLOWING, WHICH WOULD IT BE? a) Louie Vuitton (shoes) b) Coach (Sport) c) Against all odds (Clothes)
6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE OUT OF THE FOLLOWING? a) Hawaii b) London c) Florida
7. IN THE SUMMER WOULD YOU RATHER GO TO: a) The Beach? b) Somewhere Cooler?
8. WHAT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY MONTH? a) January b) February c) March d) April e) May f) June g) July h) August i) September j) October k) November l) December
9. WOULD YOU RATHER: a) Chill at home b) Go out with friends
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INSTRUMENT OUT OF: a) Guitar b) Bass guitar c) Drums d) The Triangle
11) NAME A PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
====NOW MAKE A WISH!==
**ANSWERS**
1. a) dark=sexy [5points] b) light=sweet [2points]
2. a) go to a party=playful [2 points] b) go out to eat=romantic [5points]
3. a) baby-pink=cute [2] b) yellow=loud [3] c) baby-blue=cool [5] d) turquoise=sexy [5]
4. a) surfing=active [2] b) skateboarding=determined [2] c) skiing=daring [5]
5. a) Louie Vuitton=tasteful[7] b) Coach=laid back[2] c) Againt all odds=stylish[5]
6. a) hawaii=you like being around people [2] b) London=You are quiet,and like the cold [2] c) Florida=You like to party! [5]
7. a) beach=tan, likes the sun [5] b) somewhere cooler = pale and original [2]
8. a) January=popular [5] b) February=lovely [2] c) March=loud [2] d) April=playful[5] e) May=happy [5] f) June=chills a lot[5] g) July=smooth [2] h) August=fun [5] i) September=quiet [2] j) October=out-going [2] k) November=pimpin’ it [5] l) December=warm [2]
9. a) home=quiet, romantic [5] b) go out with friends=crazy [5]
10. a) guitar=eye-catching [5] b) bass-guitar=mellow [2] c) Drums=loud [2] d) Triangle=crazy [5]
11. This person will fall in love with you!
SCORES!!!!
UP TO 20 = Not so Sexy 21-35 = Rather sexy 36+ = Too Sexy for this Test!!!!
IF YOU SEND THIS TO: 0-5 people: your wish will not come true> 6-9 people: your wish will come true within 6 months 10-15 people: it will come true within 2 weeks 16-20 people: in a day or 2 it will come true 21-30: sooooooo soon
Isn’t It Ironic? Don’t You Think? Or Is It?
1119 years
Rain on your wedding day is not ironic. It’s unfortunate. But hey, at least you’re getting married.
Having ten thousand spoons–when all you need is a knife–is annoying. (Who ever wants ten thousand spoons? I mean, really.)
Win the lottery, and die the next day? That just sucks. Tragic, yes–ironic? Not so much.
I’ve never been good at providing a one-sentence definition for irony (admittedly, Alannis is even worse at it). I always have to look it up.
Still, it strikes me today that the initial post on loneliness I did a few weeks ago was inspired by someone who asked me about its nature and then proceeded to drift away. He hasn’t been in touch in a while, leaving me lonely. And I can’t decide if that’s irony or tragedy. Or maybe it’s just symbolically appropriate–as if by initiating the discussion, he primed me for the loneliness that followed.
“Appalling Male Behavior, Aisle 2…”
819 years
Oy vey. Not to overwhelmingly harp on appalling male dating behavior, but I felt the need to share this from Chayyei Sarah, writing from Jerusalem.
The nutshell? They connected. She felt great. And then he went loony tunes. (That’s my synopsis, not hers. Visit and see for yourself.)
And if you feel the urge to leave her a message of hope and encouragement, I’m quite certain that would be a mitzvah.
Random Dating Thought of the Day
1619 years
Boy, Kissing Jessica Stein is a great movie.
Great comic script, deft performances by the newcomers and by Tovah Feldshuh alike, even with an actually positive and authentic portrayal of Jewish life.
Makes temporary lesbianism (and/or Scott Cohen/Josh Meyers/Max Medina; and/or writing a great new independent comedy film) look like a really good idea.
I’m just saying. Let’s “let it marinate.”
In The Air
619 years
In the air, I wonder if love is who you think about during agitated turbulence, as the skies remind you that there but for the grace of tons of steel somehow defying gravity go you. I wonder if love is in the quiet moments afterwards, the serenity of a near-perfect quiet punctuated only by a persistent, engine-hum that vibrates into your seat, which, you remember hearing, may also function as a floatation device. I wonder because I have no idea. I wonder, because up here, there’s only wonder and wondering, because none of this–soaring on wings of hope and metal–should be possible. And in that, it seems just like love. Or so I’ve heard.
These clouds up here look like every cliché ever assigned, but most of all like marshmallow fluff, sickeningly sweet and endlessly, irresistibly inviting. I look to them to re-effervesce my flattened optimism and enable me to believe that someday, there will be an end to this scenario, that it will not endlessly repeat forever the way it always has repeated until now and until now.
Until then, I’m stuck within my circular circumstance, immobile in the unreciprocated and in awe of my infallible ability to misinterpret the words and cues of others is what is dooming me to loneliness. I’m trapped with no egress, like in a plane, a serf in a pilot’s kingdom, doomed to suffer the rest of the journey as a captive witness to the proceedings, bobbing on the wind and whim of weather, or deity, or captain, my captain.