Group therapy in a blog.
Archive for October, 2005
Rumors of My Optimism Are Greatly Overexaggerated
1119 years
Expect the best, aim high, make your own dreams come true. To an extent, I believed it. I absorbed it and lived it. But the truth is that optimism ruins everything.
If you aim low, and good things happen, you’re surprised.
If you aim high, and miss the mark, you’re supposed to make do with “at least I tried.”
If you meet someone with no expectations and that person is amazing, then you’re twice as happy as you would be if you always expected it. However, when you have high expectations, you’re almost always bound to be disappointed.
I’d like to believe in magic, always look at the bright side of the penny, know in my gut that the next opportunity is right around the corner, if only I could be patient. But everytime I dip a tentative toe into optimism, reality, like a snapping turtle, tries to bite my legs off.
And it’s like I said earlier, you think I would have learned by now: horse first, then cart. Somehow, it never seems to work the other way round.
Hate Children? Good News!
1019 years
Tired of waiting for your soulmate? Think you would have gotten away with having met her or him already, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids? Well, good news for you! BellaOnline informs us of the founding of dinklink.com:
Launched on August 21, 2005, Joe Pazo came up with the idea for Dinklink (derived from the phrase “Double Income No Kidsâ€Â) five years ago. “I was incredibly frustrated with my own pursuit of a ‘dinklink’ and decided to look around online,†says Joe. “I was amazed to see the dating sites at the time basically ignoring people like me. I mean sure, most offered little check boxes in the profile section to the effect of ‘do you want kids?’ or ‘do you have kids?’ Both were typically buried near the bottom. For me, these were two of the most important things.â€Â
[…]These issues are especially present in the child free singles scene. “From a dating perspective specifically, the biggest challenge I’ve seen is the perception that being child-free is some sort of a ‘phase’ you go through that could be changed by the ‘right’ person,†says Joe. “But being child-free is a lifelong commitment, and something we don’t take lightly.â€Â
A lifelong commitment to being child-free. Ain’t the internet great?
Again
419 years
I’m doing it again. It should be an easy thing to remember not to do. But every time I’m here, I forget, or subconsciously make a decision to try the old configuration again, even though it never works. Juggling carts and horses in my mind, I’ve put the wrong one first again.
The same is true of eggs and baskets. And birds in hand. My imagination often seems to be its own entity, barely connected to me at all, and certainly having no relationship with logical thought. It sprints away from me toward a future that I see, but that may not be likely. It reads into words and gestures and intonations, parsing them on an impossibly analytical level. And as it happens, I know it’s counterproductive. It invests my emotional energy in figments, in fragments of hope reborn, and lodged in the realm of the vaguely possible, but not bloody likely.
What I want and what is possible are not always the same thing. But someday, I think, they may not be mutually exclusive either. And in this thought, and in this situation, the cart pulls the horse instead of the other way round.
Kiss Anticipation
519 years
Nice Jewish Girl’s back, and she who has “never been kissed” is anticipating and fearful of what may be an impending first liplock with her quasi-boyfriend of a month. (Hat tip to Annabel Lee for letting me know.) She’s nervous, but she’s doing the smart and brave thing: talking with him about it beforehand. That’s right, she told him about what she calls her “non-history,” and he seems to be reacting to it fairly well:
He has never dealt with a woman before who had never even been kissed. He kept asking me if I am OK with that and I told him no, I hate it, it is very hard, I have the same hormones as everyone else. But also I know that I have made my decisions and that I cannot change the past and that Hashem has reasons for making my life turn out the way it has. I have to believe it is for the best. I accept it because I have no choice.
But why I am writing about it is that he keeps saying that the next time he sees me he is going to kiss me, that it is about time I had my first kiss. I am excited but confused. First of all I do not know exactly what he means, you know? He said “oh, what you mean is that you have never gotten the kind of kiss that lasts for 15 minutes.†But he did not then say “well I will have to correct that.†I think he means to kiss me on the cheek or something.That would be nice but it is not really what I am aiming for. What I want is the 15 minute kiss! I want a kiss that makes me have to come up for air!
Of course, since it’s a matter of the intersection of human sexuality (and its pervasiveness in contemporary Western culture) with halakhah, there’s still considerable guilt, especially before the High Holidays.
I wish I could say that the thought of doing this possibly on my very next date makes me feel guilty about breaking halacha. Especially because it is almost Rosh Hashanah and we are supposed to be atoning for our sins not planning to do new ones. But honestly I do not feel so guilty. I cannot explain why. I know I should say that no matter how old I am I should at least feel guilty about breaking halacha especially at this time of year.
I spend every year parsing the Al Het prayer, in which we enumerate a list of sins so long that we can’t possibly have committed all of them (but we can’t possibly emerge from reading the litany feeling completely pure and innocent). I don’t think kissing itself–or brushing up against someone–is a sin (“v’iadat znut” or “giluy arayot“). But I do recognize the concept of siyag laTorah, the rabbinic practice of “placing a fence” around the rules of the Torah; in other words, forbidding certain activities not because they themselves are morally wrong, but because they lead to other actions or behaviors which halakhah condemns. (See here for a technical halakhic discussion of what Judaism has to say about pre-marital sex–hat tip to Drew for the reference.)
Anecdotally, it seems (at least in New York City) that pre-marital sex is Modern Orthodoxy’s dirty little secret, in that many people are having it, but no one is talking about it; many people who are unflinchingly careful when it comes to kashrut or Shabbat observance are more cavalier when it comes to physical relationships. Unsurprisingly, there also seems to be a gender imbalance: men are freer to talk about it than women are.
I know, I know. The evidence is anecdotal, at best. I don’t have names and sources for you to support this claim. And last time I made a comment like this, I got reamed by a few blogs, but I’m still convinced it’s true. And if it is, I don’t necessarily think it needs to be eradicated, and the sinners expelled to “outside the camp,” as it were, but there needs to be an acknowledgment that–for whatever reason, be it an increased influence from outside culture, or the increase in people who have already been in marriages that failed, or the delay in single people finding soul mates–there’s been a shift in how today’s “traditional” single Jews view issues of dating and sexuality.
I’m not advocating rampant casual sex for Orthodox singles, but I don’t think it’s acceptable for someone like NJG to reach the age of 34 without having experienced some basic human tenderness, and I don’t think it’s acceptable that her Jewish life and observance has created in her this package of fear, guilt and longing that consumes her, even in anticipation of one long-overdue kiss.