It’s time we talked aboot this. We have nothing agaynst Canadians per se. Unless “we” includes South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, but you already knew that they Blame Canada for everything. And George Carlin, whose “Let’s Bomb Canada” routine makes strange, disturbingly violent foreign policy sense. Not that Canada should be blamed or bombed. No. Some of my best blogfriends are from Canada.

But you Canadians need to get off your butts and ask us out. According to a new survey–coordinated by Harlequin Enterprises, so consider the source–a whopping 75% of Canadians lack the cojones courage to make the first move. Since I’ve made the first move three times in the last twelve months (never you mind the gut-wrenching results), this is proof that either a) I am not Canadian, or b) I am an exceptional Canadian. (Only the passport agency knows for sure.)

So what’s a Canadian to do? Become a “North American,” because the survey then stops talking about Canadians per se and extends the territory of shyness to the entire continent:

More than 70 per cent of North Americans who were surveyed depend on friends to do the legwork when it comes to meeting people. Relying on an old college buddy to set up a double date can actually work, as 33 per cent of those surveyed met their current or last squeeze through friends.

Friends! Now why didn’t I think of that? Now, where are all of my old college buddies? Oh yeah. Married. With kids. And SUVs. In the suburbs.

And if all else fails, some Canadians turn to fortifying their courage with alcohol. Twenty-six per cent of the men surveyed admitted to drinking in order to get up the confidence to approach someone, while only 15 per cent of women said a drink or two helps.

Finally an equal opportunity idea that we can all embrace. Happy hour anyone? How about AA?

The survey found that North America has a somewhat idealistic view of love as 42 per cent of those questioned said they think the best way to meet new people is by chance…[but] only 17 percent of those surveyed said they met their current or last significant other by chance.

Chance…like the meet-cute of movie legend. Stumble over a frog who loves you and suddenly he becomes a prince. But how many frogs exactly does it take?

Forty seven per cent said they believe you need to date between two and 10 people before finding the one, whereas only 12 per cent of those surveyed feel you only need to date one person to find your true one and only.

New math: Forty-seven plus twelve equals a hundred. It doesn’t? Well, count me among the 41% who are missing in action on this question.

I don’t have any answers. I just don’t want to buy anything sold or processed. Or sell anything bought or processed. Or process anything sold, bought or processed. In a word: kickboxing. It’s the sport of the future.