Group therapy in a blog.
“Single Mom” Takes NYC
Last night I attended a Barnes & Noble reading by Rachel Sarah, my J dating column colleague and single Jewish mom, not to mention author of the new book “Single Mom Seeking.” Then we met up for breakfast this morning, and schmoozed about my return from Israel, her return to New York from Berkeley, and how dating is different when your daughter is also a factor in any nascent relationship.
The book’s entertaining, with raw accounts that any dater–with or without children–will relate to. Everything from trying to conquer chemistry with rationality to choosing your words carefully when it comes to online dating profiles sounds eminently familiar to the modern dater.
I’m hopefully going to be doing a JW column about her soon, so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, check out her website and blog. And if you contact her or leave a comment, make sure to tell her Esther sent you…
Here’s a new one: 51 year old Jdating Tax Attorney (and I pledged never to date a tax attorney as they are across the board BORING without exception) asks me to lunch. His profile says “No kids”. I tell him I have 3 gorgeous children, ages 14,12 & 8. He says “that’s how old my stepchildren were when I married my ex”. A flash of hope lights off in my head! He married a 40 year old woman with 3 kids when he was a mere 41 with no kids!
Then he says
“I would never do that again”.
I don’t respond. We proceed to talk and make the date.
When he calls to confirm I say “you know I have 3 kids, right”
“yes”
“and you said you would never do that again?”
“right, I want my own children now” (note: a man’s chance of siring an autistic child after 45 goes up by some huge percentage)
“so why are you meeting me?”
“well, I thought you were young enough to want more”
“what am I supposed to do with the first 3?”
“Well, I don’t really think of that before a first date” he says
“Yeah, well you go think of that and I think we should cancel tomorrow”
“Um, yeah…you have too many issues” he says.
UGGGGGG!!!!!
chutzpah: come again?.. *you* are the one having issues? not him? that darn river in Egypt swallowed him or something? pfff!..
Chutzpah, I think you’d really enjoy this book. She talks a lot about red flags, and that story you just related to us? Shiri’s right about “da Nile” but the “I would never do that again” when the that in question is a direct comment on your reality? I’d say that’s a giant red flag, almost on the scale of a Christo exhibition in Central Park.
Yeah, my alarms went off loud and clear even though they generally malfunction. I was really proud of myself for cancelling and then my mother says “it might have been a pleasant afternoon and a free lunch”…I’m sure Grandma used to say there was no such thing!
I generally don’t read books I should’ve written myself but was too lazy to do so, but I will trust your recommendation. Thanks!
Me, I was surprised to see that Rachel (of SMS) probably has met with some fantastic success after (just!?) 100 dates in finding her current mensch of a BF, Yossi. And got 2 book deals out of the process too! Now that’s some kind of lucky. More continued success to her & in her new family ties. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Setting: Control panel/Internet portal at Chuzpah’s place.
“Aye Captn, I got the shields workin’ again”
(Picture Chutzpah saying that with a Scottish accent)
“Fire away Ms. Chutzpah” (picture a young Capt. Kirk)
Chutzpah, with her ever overflowing optimism winked at Saxman on Match.
Saxman winked back.
His profile said he was a 51 year old “Conservadox” former attorney who now is “in business”. (Shield 1: “retired” or “unemployed”)
I wrote Saxman.
Saxman wrote back asking for my phone #. I wrote back with it.
He called. We spoke on a Thursday, he said he would call me “after Shabbos.”
Shield 2: goes up: why didn’t he ask me out for a Sat. afternoon?
Shield 3: I look at his picture: the hairstyle and hands definitely place him at over 51.
I do a cross-check on Jdate…not there.
Shield 4: if his Judaism is so important to him …why is he on Match and not Jdate….oh G-d no…it’s because he is also on ….FRUMSTER!
Yes, the ‘conservadox” 51 year old is, in reality, a 55 year old Modern Orthodox(liberal) who lives….
Shield 5: ON THE UPPER WEST SIDE
What the hell is the matter with these men? Why cant they JUST BE HONEST? He thinks that he’s going to get some action from non-Ortho women on Match and then finally “settle” down with an Orthodox woman who will keep his kosher home while he is off drinking non-kosher wine and eating fish in treif restaurants? (which he told me he does).
If you are not Ortho. a…come out of the closet and say “I’m not Orthodox”.
If you are not 51 anymore, say “I’m 55 but in good shape.”
Most importantly, if you say you are going to “call after Shabbos” CALL!
Which brings me to my next tirade: FRUMSTER CLAIMS to verify profiles of Premium Members to insure that they are honest in all ways and marriage minded. Great job team! I’m glad I didn’t waste my money there! That Premium member is living a secret double life as a 51 treif-wine drinking Conservadox Jew who is not settling down in the near future given the selection he’s still got to sort through.
I don’t mean to start the labels debate again, but if you only drink treif wine when no one’s looking, I need to know that. If you only eat in treif restaurants where nobody can see you, I need to know that. If you don’t tear toilet paper and don’t use the phone on Shabbat, I need to know that.
So Mr. Saxman, sorry to say that you blew your own horn. If you would’ve been a 55 year old HONEST Jew I could care less what your label is. We could have gotten to know each other , and if I’d fallen in love, we could’ve COMPROMISED on the picking and choosing of laws, levels and labels. I could give up the toilet paper tearing if you don’t mind walking into treif restaurants without dark sunglasses and a trenchcoat.
Age doesn’t matter to me that much. INTEGRITY and knowing one’s own true boundaries is what matters to me the most. By age 55 a man should pretty much have figured those out.
I am completely disgusted and the Shields are staying up on this battle-worn Starship.
Warp Factor 6, Ms. Chutzpah, take us away.
Aye Aye Captn.
How is dating as a Jewish woman any different from any other woman? Just making sure that your dates don’t like bacon?