While you might be caught up in cliches or otherwise struggling with online dating, your grandparents are scoring big-time.
Initially considered to be the realm of the desperate and the serial killers, scam artists and losers waiting to meet them, Internet dating is now a mostly socially accepted way of meeting potential partners, especially by 20- and 30-year-olds who grew up with the technology.
Honestly, they had me at “serial killers.” I do have to say that there’s not much of a transition from that rogues’ gallery of what internet dating used to be to it being “socially accepted.” From a research and world trends perspective, I think the jury may still be out. But back to the piece.
But according to experts like online dating coach Laurie Davis, “the over-50 crowd is the largest growing segment” of singles looking for love in cyber space on sites like JDate.com. PlentyofFish.com, Match.com, eHarmony.com and others.
Of course, this is probably known by women who are internet dating in their 30s. (Men in their 30s and 40s are typically chillin’ with the 20-something ladies, whilst the 50-something gents are all up for some hot 30s action.
But here’s a piece of advice for those 50-somethings who may want to jump start a reality television career: Kate Gosselin, of Jon Minus Kate and We’re Not Really Sure What Happened to the Eight, is apparently on internet dating sites like JDate. So that’s Kate Plus (J)Date. (Still no word on “the Eight.”)
(A longer version of this piece appears at MyUrbanKvetch.)
Recently, Jews observed the holiday of Purim, which thematically centers on disguise, withheld information, and political intrigue. To commemorate these themes and celebrate the inner parts of our lives that we might not always feel comfortable expressing, Jews traditionally dress in costume. Some costumes are fun, or (taking a cue from secular cousin Halloween) present an excuse to sex it up a little, at least for the one day. But if the theme was exposure and honesty, my costume choice was clear: I would become the clichés that people write (over and over again) in their online dating profiles.
How would I do this? Could I wear “a little black dress and jeans and a t-shirt”? How would I visually manifest “working hard and playing hard”? Should I get a fake arm, throw it around my shoulder, and label with a sign that says “my ex – but don’t worry, he’s out of the picture”?
I started with the little black dress, and attached to the front of the dress a whiteboard of sorts – then let people add their own clichés via stickers. And then the public art/commenting phase began. Afterwards, I knew I needed to analyze this piece of public commentary for the audience of online daters and beyond, so that we can all learn to be ourselves and not clichés.
Alongside “work hard and play hard,” “I like a fancy night out, but also a night in,” “friends and family are important to me,” and “a perfect date is when you don’t want it to end”- as well as “looking for someone with a good head on his shoulders,” which was scribbled on a sticker in Hebrew – were several categories of clichés:
The Blame Game: These comments blame someone else for your presence on JDate, usually a parent or a friend. “I never do this,” “I can’t believe I’m on JDate,” “my friends made me join.” However you got here, you’re here and so is everyone else, so get over it.
“Duh” statements: “I love travel and sushi,” “I love to laugh,” “communication is the most important thing,” and “love to hike and bike.” They don’t really tell you anything about the person in question: it’s like saying “I’m a carbon-based lifeform who enjoys breathing oxygen and locomoting bipedally” (except less interestingly). And as for “my mom thinks I’m a catch,” we’re so glad for you, and are certain that this focus on your mother during a search for a life partner is not at all negatively influencing your results.
Maybe JDate was as sick of those “chemistry-inspired matches” commercials for sites like Chemistry.com and eHarmony.com as we were, and figured, “if you can’t beat them, join them by creating a personality test that assigns a color to you as a dater and indicates what kinds of things you may need (if not be actively looking for) in a date/partner.”
Ever wonder why some people are so easy to love, work for, and befriend, while it’s difficult to build and maintain healthy relationships with others? All of these relationships begin with you. Imagine the power of truly knowing yourself, including what motivates you, and how the relationships in your life are impacted as a result. The Color Code is one of the most revolutionary and accurate measurements of your personality and is your best bet for understanding how to make sense out of your relationships.
JDate’s new way to self-analyze toward trying to discern a potential chemistry with someone asks a series of questions about the reactions you had to situations when you were a child. You choose “the best” answer, which may not accurately describe you, but never mind about that for now. It creates a personality type that, instead of a Myers-Briggsian “INFJ” or something like that, assigns you a color. The 15-minute test (unlike JDate membership that enables you to actually interact with people on the site) is free, and promises to help you:
“determine your own Color, or driving Core Motive, “speak the language” of others by identifying their Color, and build stronger and more meaningful relationships by understanding what drives people and their behavior. The Color Code Personality Test will provide you with in-depth understanding of why you do the things you do and how you can best interact with the other Color personalities.”
The test determines which personality color is your personality type, which determines which color drives your “Core Motives.”
- RED (The Power-Wielders): Core Motive = Power, or the ability to move from “a” to “b” as efficiently as possible
- BLUE (The Do-Gooders): Core Motive = Intimacy, this doesn’t mean sex, but the need to connect, share feelings, and build relationships with others
- WHITE (The Peacekeepers): Core Motive = Peace, or calm even in the midst of conflict; clarity in the midst of confusion
- YELLOW (The Fun-Lovers): Core Motive = Fun, or always enjoying the moment
My results will be no surprise to anyone who knows me. I was 66% Blue, followed by a 19% White and 13% yellow. Only 2% Red. According to the test, this means that I am (in alphabetical order, apparently) “analytical, committed, compassionate, dedicated, deliberate, dependable, emotional, loyal, nurturing, quality-seeking, respectful, sincere, thoughtful and well-mannered.”
I’m not sure this helps me understand my dating preferences – it’s more about me identifying the patterns that make me me. (Plus, my parents will be very glad to learn that their raising such a responsible, reliable child has been independently verified by JDate.)
But perhaps it will help daters – if not to understand the way they themselves are wired – understand how to communicate with other people on the site. For instance, after taking the quiz, I clicked on the profile of a guy with a great smile, and learned he was a “yellow.” “The best way to communicate with this member is to try a positive and upbeat approach. A joke or two wouldn’t hurt either,” JDate advised me.
Pretty general: be upbeat and be funny. That’s pretty much my strategy anyway, especially in a first communication. But will I think about this as I craft an opener to him (or someone else)? Probably, and maybe that will help keep us all on track, so there’s less insanity in first contact emails. But then again, if the insanity of those emails disappeared, we probably would have to shutter JDatersAnonymous. So the conflict continues.
Have you taken this quiz? How did you rank? Were your results accurate? Has it helped you in your use of JDate? Send us your experiences.
So, the old year ended, and JDatersAnonymous seemed to have ended with it. A month went by with no posts. Cobwebs began to form over JDatersAnonymous.com as daters retreated to the dating salt mines with no outlet or place to process their experiences.
Well, fear not – JDatersAnonymous is back, covering dating issues in 2010 ranging from the newest online dating trends to the substantive interpersonal relations between people who are trying to deal with the journey, the search, the rejection, the agony and the ecstasy of dating in the modern age. This year, we’re also hoping to branch out, with more video and images, in addition to the text content you’re used to. Plus, you are invited to share your experiences – guest posting spots to appear regularly, enabling JDatersAnonymous to more accurately speak in the “we.”
And as always, we seek your insights, opinions and questions, rendered with sincerity and respect. When dialogue is respectful, we all benefit. And when it’s not – well, that’s where the “comments held for approval” queue comes in.
Posts about “the age thing” and JDate’s new color coding system are in the works…so stay tuned. And until then, dear readers, date wisely, compassionately, respectfully and well.
Yes, there was the Details article (which, by the way, was more about Jews in porn than it was about Jews being seen as desirable). And also some brouhaha about Jewish girls being called “Coasties” (to the delight of some and the chagrin of others). And now, the topic continues (sort of) with a segment from LoveNation about “The Desirability of Jews,” then rendered by one of the hosts as “the uprise in the desire of Jews,” and then, ultimately as “the uprising of Jewish people.”
Thomas: Over the course of time, I guess there’s been a growing popularity of Jewish people. Apparently, Jews are popular, I think it’s great. Obviously, it wasn’t like that back in the day with anti-Semitism and complete prejudice against Jewish people. And now, everyone loves them! Why?
Laurie: There is this term “JILF” that’s going around right now…I don’t know who started it, but I most recently saw it in Details. [explanation of JILFs] It’s because women are so career-oriented, also even for guys they are so family-oriented. And especially in Gen X and Gen Y, religion is becoming less important. But with people who are Jewish alot of them are pretty practicing, […]or if not practicing, their culture is still really important to them. And so family values is something that when religion isn’t important anymore gets left by the wayside, people don’t care about having kids, taking the legacy forward.
Thomas: Also, pop culture has had a huge influence on the uprise of Jewish people. Remember Seinfeld? Jerry was definitely Jewish. [lists additional Jewish comedians] And also Madonna.
Laurie: And Madonna has helped bring Judaism to the forefront also because of her cool Kabbalah thing that she has going on. She kind of brought everyone’s eye to it. […]
Thomas: When it comes to dating, there’s even a website for Jewish singles to get together, called JDate.
What? Jerry Seinfeld is Jewish? And there’s even a whole dating site for Jewish singles!! That’s crazy talk!
I love Leah‘s response to the comment about JILFs: “There’s this term ‘JILFs’ going around right now.” There’s also this term OMGWTF going around. (via Twitter)
I appreciate that the duo believed they were providing a vital service: a discussion of the purported rise in perceived desirability of Jews. And I know that it was probably extremely well-intentioned (with tips for how to date Jews and everything!). And with only a few shows to their history together, it’s possible that the hosts will develop better chemistry and more of a flow as they practice more. But the content of their advice in this video was less factually substantial than the “Christmas Song for Mormons” featured on Conan’s show – which took most of its information from Wikipedia. These two – both dating “experts” in their non-video lives – should have delved a bit deeper and more intelligently into the issues, instead of this shallow rehash of the fact that Jerry Seinfeld was Jewish, and that Madonna’s involved in Kabbalah (which, by the way, isn’t the same thing ask Judaism). The content’s style most reminded me of some of the English papers I read in college, written by friends who hadn’t quite finished the books necessary to have an intelligent discussion on the subject, but who had to turn in the assignment anyway.
Toward the end of the advice section, Thomas – who noted that some non-Jews pursuing Jews are just “going after a stable person who happens to be Jewish” – advises that those who court Jews should “NOT crack jokes about stereotypes of Jewish people in general: perceived to be really cheap, whether Jewish women are not good cooks, whatever stereotype you’ve heard, don’t mention them” because “they don’t appreciate it at all.”
I understand that the discussion of Jewish (or any) stereotypes is a sensitive subject and the hosts felt the need to tread lightly, but pointing out stereotypes to avoid (including one I’ve never heard of) is using those stereotypes. Can you imagine getting the advice, “If your date is Irish and orders a drink, try not to comment on it, because it’s a stereotype and they don’t appreciate it at all”? I think that trying to avoid calling your date “cheap” (whether he’s Jewish or not) is a bare minimum to strive for on dates. And if you can’t get through a date with a Jewish person without calling them cheap or calling attention to some other purportedly Jewish attribute – whether it’s true or not – then you probably shouldn’t be out in public to begin with.
There’s a lot of video drivel out there, and when it comes to dating sites, everyone’s out to make a buck or self-promote. But if you’re going to launch your own show on a topic as rich as dating (online and off), why not contribute something meaningful to the conversation?
Want another opinion? Check out the 16th Street J’s take, “JILFing Us Softly“.
The recently published JDATE is written by David Wong, except not really. Wong is the pseudonym of Jason Pargin, an editor of Cracked.com. The real name of the book? “John Dies @ the End” – abbreviated by the A/V Club (an offshoot of the Onion) as “JDATE.” This abbreviation fooled my Google Alert, and me, into thinking this book was about an online Jewish dating service.Here’s an excerpt from the A/V Club review:
Once upon a time, David was a boring video-store clerk without much of a social life. Then one day, his pal John got involved with that soy sauce that wasn’t really soy sauce, dragging David along for the ride. A number of suspicious deaths later, the two are fighting off monsters from another dimension and trying to come up with ways to explain an ever-increasing number of corpses to the authorities.
I don’t know what “soy sauce that wasn’t really soy sauce” is, but it does sound like Chinese food is involved. Throw in Christmas and a movie and it could be about Jews, I suppose…
If you’ve read this “JDATE,” please send us your reviews, and let us know if you’ve found it more or less compelling, hilarious or tragic than the group of online dating profiles you just read. Why? Because we care.
Whether you’re on the Upper West Side or not, you might enjoy these pieces “from the vault.”
What’s it like inside a Sukkah singles party in Manhattan? Back in 2005, yours truly and some intrepid friends found out. Listen in:
Man: Did you notice JDate’s site redesign? All of the women’s profiles defaulted to “does not want children.”
Woman #3: You’re the third guy to mention that tonight. As if Jewish continuity didn’t have enough problems—now everyone thinks that Jewish women don’t want to procreate. In JDate’s last redesign, they reset all the profiles, so if you said you spoke Hebrew, it now said you spoke Vietnamese. Or Tagalog. What is Tagalog, anyway?
Man: [fiddles with BlackBerry] “Tagalog is one of the major languages of the Philippines.”
Woman #2: Huh. At least we learned something.
Woman #3: Yes, that JDate is still JDate.
For the complete scoop, check out the original article.
What should you expect to see on Simchat Torah on the Upper West Side? Here’s a checklist of 20 “might-sees” – print it out, and see how you score! Including…
3. Israelis on cell phones.
4. A blind date who doesn’t remember you.
5. People you knew in high school who ignore you when they see you.
6. A throng.
7. A thong. Or inappropriate shul cleavage.
We’re happy to announce that the last “Dateline” story was such a hit that we’re making it a regular feature here at JDatersAnonymous, and inviting its author to keep on contributing her stories, as long as she has the strength to keep on keeping on…
Dateline: Los Angeles – Bachelor #82
I was happy to receive an e-mail in my JDate inbox from Bachelor #82, a handsome man. We e-mailed back and forth, spoke on the phone and finally set a date for Tuesday night. He picked a nice bar to meet near my home and I was looking forward to the evening.
As he walked into the bar I was stunned at how good looking he was. Bachelor #82 was tall with a full head of light brown hair, kind eyes and he smelled of fresh laundry. He was 36 years old, Jewish and currently attending law school in Los Angeles. He was perfection on that proverbial paper.
He smiled at me and we began what I would describe as a wonderful date. He asked me questions about my childhood, my time in NY, my religious views and taste in books and movies. He shared his opinions and made me laugh throughout the date. I was interested in him and was hoping to learn more.
About an hour into the date he started acting nervous and began fidgeting with his cocktail napkin. I asked if he was okay and he explained he really liked me so far (yay!) and was hoping I’d be okay with the news he was about to share.
“I’m not Jewish. Is that okay with you?” He looked down and stared at his feet. His eyes would go from the floor to me, back to the floor and back up to me. Like a pre-teen caught with porn. It was like a train wreck – I was very confused at this point, but couldn’t look away.
“I’m okay that you are not Jewish.” I replied. “But why are you on JDate? Why do you like Jewish girls?”
He began to explain. “I like Jewish women for three reasons. One, their politics are very liberal. Two, they are overly educated. Three, they are physically curvy.”
“You are barking up the wrong tree here, pal,” I responded. “I’m no Ivy Leaguer and typically vote Republican.”
“No, no it’s okay! This is good.” he says happily with a smile. “You have the curves!”
For more tales from the dating trenches, and dating-related commentary, stay tuned to this JDatersAnonymous channel.
The world is full of dating stories. This is one of them.
Written by a friend of mine (no, really, it’s not me) who recently moved to LA from New York (I swear it’s not me!), the post tells a tale all-too-familiar to Jewish daters…there’s a fancy hotel, expensive cars and clothes, and a man with an obscure job. And of course, awkward conversation.
Dateline: Beverly Hills – Bachelor #87
by J., intrepid JDater
I was contacted on JDate by a man who initiated an IM conversation with “Are you a good cook”? I continued to chat with him online and then over the phone, at which point he asked me out for a date. Bachelor #87 hails from Israel. He is from Iran originally and moved to LA from Israel when he was 18. So a Persian/Israeli Jew. He’s 43, never been married and “works in real estate” what ever that means. He does not work for a company and does not have his own company so somehow he’s figured out how to make money. (Fine Italian shoes, fancy sports car and diamond watch attached). I’m starting to think I’m the idiot here, who works in a cubicle all day.
We don’t like to dwell on the negative here at JDA. Life is so serious and this field full of such gravitas that we like to make you smile, even laugh, as you journey with us through the valley of the shadow of dating (OK, so maybe that metaphor was slightly negative. But still, read on…).
And so I’m pleased to present these two things that may make you smile, chuckle, guffaw, or forward/retweet to a friend.
“You Make Me Touch Your Hands for Stupid Reasons”
From the creatives over at “You’re the Man Now, Dog” – conveniently abbreviated YTMND – comes this dramatic reading of an actual breakup letter. I suspect it’s a breakup email, but potato, potahto. I’d tell you to watch for my favorite part, but let’s face it – it’s pretty much all my favorite part.
“I’m typing this on Shabbat, but I pray from the Koren Sacks Orthodox Siddur”
Over at Jewcy.com, Patrick Aleph, a self-described “rocker dude” notes that now that he’s single and has decided he wants to marry Jewish, he’s having some trouble finding his ideal woman. In “Rocker Dude Seeks Bitchin’ Beshert,” he opines: “there are plenty of Gefilte-Fish-In-The-Sea, but I’m getting picky. I’ve boiled my soulmate to a very specific, bordering on psychotic, JDate Nazi-esque list of characteristics.” On the list for his beshert (soulmate):
Education: bachelors degree in something super practical from a pussy liberal state college
Boobs: proportional and large enough to give me hands full of fun
Got stories or links that make you laugh? Share them with us in the comments, or email me at jdatersanonymous at gmail.com.