Group therapy in a blog.
Dating Self-Help Books
I’m often sent books about being single, dating, and the relationship between men and women. Most recently, I’m in possession of the new and expanded edition of “He’s Just Not Into You,” and Kristina Grish’s “The Joy of Text,” which is about “mating, dating, and techno-relating.” (Not that any of my readers would know anything about that…)
I’ve added them to a pile of books that I’m in the process of absorbing and processing for an article in PresenTense Magazine.
But what occurred to me is that I’m almost 100 percent sure that I have no male equal. And what I mean by that is, there’s no male singles columnist with a stack of books on his desk, poring over the copies hoping to understand why women do or don’t do something. The covers of such books are pink. Or bright green. Or some other color that screams “I’M READING A DATING BOOK!!” Or maybe has a pair of disembodied legs in stilettos on the cover. No wonder men want no part of that. Or as Greg Behrendt says in one of the new chapters in HJNTIY, “If we wrote a book called ‘She’s Just Not That Into You,’ it would sell eight copies. Men don’t process heartbreak that way….yes it [the concept] applies to men–and as soon as they start reading, we’ll start writing. ”
If you’re a woman (especially if you’re a single woman), which “dating books” have you read and found either helpful or damaging?
And if you’re a single man, have you ever read one of these books, just to find out what women are thinking? Do you have a favorite? Or do you think all these books are just bad news, because they encourage women in our natural propensity–to overthink and overinterpret?
I’ll admit, the books drive me kind of nuts. After I broke up with my long-term boyfriend, I had some moments of doubt, and people recommended to me “It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken.” I just waited…and let time make me feel better.
Plus, who needs books when we’ve got blogs there for us to bitch to?
Oprah magazine and more Oprah! When ever I’m feeling down I know it’s because I haven’t consulted with my inner Oprah enough. This woman was molested her entire childhood and rose up to become ….OPRAH! The most powerful woman in the world. A woman who has built schools and cities, and changed many, many peoples lives for the better. She specifically hasn’t married Steadman because she wants to be the role model of what a single woman (with some good friends and friends with benefits) can accomplish.
Further, there are no male dating advice specialists for men because, hello, there are 5 women to every man. I must admit that I get a cheap thrill from Beauty & the Geek, where the men have to be taught how to land the babe, but the bottom line is” those babe’s would do anything for money.
Then there is Tom Cruise’s character “Frank T J Macky” from Magnolia who instructs men to have women “worship the cock”, but again, not all that much need for that kind of class.
P.S. Britney Shiksa with no panties is dating hot Jewish Model Issac Cohen, what a role model she is now…teaching women to go after the hot Jewish guys! Plus now she has another excuse to study Kabbalah so she can be more like Madonna!
Discovered your blog on Cute Jewess’ site and I love it! I’m also an SJF, 35, but living in South Jersey (although I went to college in North Jersey, so I’m pretty much familiar with the whole state). Found my current love on JDate and we’ve been dating for 3 1/2 months now. Found the boyfriend before that on JDate as well and we dated for 3 1/2 years. So sometimes the website DOES work! The last dating book I read was “Mars and Venus On A Date” by John Gray, and although it was somewhat helpful, it was kind of far-out.
We graphic designers are tricky folks especialy when it comes to book covers. We can make a bad dating book look good. (Oh I think I’ll make the cover pink and put shiny red sparkly shoes on the cover that will lure them!)
The last dating book I read wasn’t really a dating book perse is The Bad Girls Guide to Getting Personal by Cameron Tuttle. It was a gift from a friend. Though amusing had no real advice in it except to have fun in your life. Which I try to agree with.
The only modern dating book I’ve read is “ItÂ’s Called a Breakup Because itÂ’s Broken,†and it was exactly what I needed at the time (after an inconclusive breakup-leading-directly-to-friendship–BAD idea). It told me things that I probably already kne wuld help me, but wasn’t willing to do.
I have a small collection of older advice books for women (mostly1930s-1970s), some of them about dating. Maybe I’ll post excerpts on my blog at some point.
Jodi,
Jdate has yet to sign,seal and deliver a HUSBAND for you. If you keep going with the Serial Monogamists from Jdate , the ring & babies may never happen…just a friendly warning.
Chutzpah, first of all, it’s spelled JODY! Second of all, thanks for the warning, but I’m very happy in my present relationship! Third of all, I’m not going to have children and I’m in no rush to get married (jeez, I’ve only been dating him for 3 months, give me a break!). So save your advice for someone who wants it!
J-
you’re the one who used the “L” word after 3 months, not me.
Best,
C
OK, Jody and Chutzpah are just going to have to agree to disagree. I am happy for Jody and hope that it works out. And based on my personal experience on the site, I’m as skeptical as Chutzpah is. But let’s be nice to each other. After all, this is supposed to be a support community!
I just discovered your site through someone’s blogroll (don’t remember who), and thought I’d chime in. For a while, I tried to read dating books for exactly the reason you said, to understand what women were thinking, and more importantly, to understand where my female friends got some of their crazy ideas. What I found in most of them, with a few rare exceptions, was that dating books told women what they wanted to hear, rather than what they needed to hear. They didn’t have a very sophisticated understanding of men or how to handle relationships. Instead, they read like ‘feel-good, this is why you’re right and he’s wrong’ manifestos. I don’t think they encourage women to think, rather I think they encourage women to think wrong (misthink?). And for full disclosure, I have to admit that I didn’t get all the way through most of the books – I usually got pretty frustrated and had to put them down after a few chapters.
Umm, I’m not in need of much therapy anymore, so I just come here for the entertainment. (I know, that’s just dastardly too.)
Male ‘advice columnists’ are actually rare, and getting more so, and this tradition goes way back in newspapering to the 18th & 19th century in the US. Me, I was thinking of Dan Savage of ‘Savage love’ which despite being a good read & generally good advice, is probably more concerned with sex focused issues overall.
I’ve been enjoying Stephanie Coontz’s work for decades now, and I try to read almost anything she puts out. Here are some of Prof. Coontz’s recent articles on marriage & on her research into the history of the institution; [http://stephaniecoontz.com/articles/]. Her many good books can be found here as well, including her latest: ‘Marriage, A History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage’ [http://stephaniecoontz.com/books/]. If you want to see yourself married or want to know the general state of marriage, there’s really no better place to start. The other person I’ve always enjoyed reading on the general question has been noted anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers. She’s got many good books out including: ‘WHY WE LOVE: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love’ and the excellent ‘Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery, and Divorce.’ Mostly this puts the issues in a biological & evolutionary framework, which may be more useful than it sounds at first blush. But everyone can learn a bit from reading them both.
The other suggestion I’ve got for us ‘married farts’ is the useful: ‘Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships’
by Dr. David Schnarch. He’s got an entire series that would be profitable for almost any married couple.
It’s late and I forgot to sign that last missive. So again, Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Self-help books seem to be of two kinds:
1. self-evident point/ oversimplified generalization belabored and filled with testimonials and stories proving that point (e.g. the power of now, he’s not that into you)
2. load of b.s., filled with testimonials and stories supporting the b.s. (e.g. The Rules).
Rather than reading self-help books, read the New York Times. Pay attention to the world, instead of overanalyzing and wallowing in self-absorption/ self-help books.
Susie
NO! For goodness sakes Don’t read the NYT or take it seriously. They can’t count. They can’t add. They have a hard time reporting facts without their own unique brands of spin. And yes this can & has killed plenty of people almost as a direct result. This goes way back beyond the Walter Duranty debacle of his Pulitzer Prize (the 1930’s when the NYT cozy up to Stalin of all people), to the 1980’s when they tacitly supported the Contras & several repressive régimes in Central America.
In their latest story on some Census data purporting to show more unmarried women than ‘marrieds’ ‘For the Very first time in history!’ they gushed. Well, not really. They managed to fudge the data, counting 2.4 million married women as ‘unmarried’ simply because they regularly lived apart from their husbands. This undercounting perhaps 1/2 of our military service, and perhaps about 200k+ contract workers overseas as well. Living apart from your spouse is not all that uncommon, it’s just not been common in the US in recent decades in great numbers. In the 18th & 19th centuries it was a quite common marriage pattern. The Census back then would never be as brash to claim that a marriage was somehow ‘invalid’ if your spouse was out wildcatting oil wells out in the West. Or panning for gold in the Klondike, or building railroads, mining or logging. All drew a tremendous population of transient workers, mostly single men, many of whom were married, and later would return to their wives ‘back east’. Indeed this is still a very common migration pattern for many 2nd & 3rd world countries today, including Mexicans in the US. Basic demography. Basic US history. Ignored & forgotten by the august NYT to perpetuate some sensationalistic spin on numbers that have not changed all that much from last year.
This is why you should read your own research either first hand, or from folks who know the difference between hype & the ‘real deal’ Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
This fragment should read; ‘the 1930’s when the NYT cozyed up to Stalin of all people’. There’s a dispute on how that cozy should read… But yes, another bugbear of mine. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Further, there are no male dating advice specialists for men because, hello, there are 5 women to every man.That’s the beef of it. I agree with Chutzpah again.
I’m in no rush to get married (jeez, I’ve only been dating him for 3 months, give me a break!) How long you’re dating him is not the point. The point is, what are you dating him for? just recreationally or with some goal in mind (such as marriage and children). If it is the latter, than JDate (as my experience also proves) is yet to deliver that.
Another point, I am glad there are no decent self-help books for men! Men don’t need it (at least for dating phase). Why teach men how to fake interest in women? It would make women’s dating lives even harder. As it is, we have to cut through tons of bs. Imagine if men started being all courteous to girls they don’t fancy. It would be much harder to discern his real level of interest in me since they would learn to disguise lack of interest much better.
Self-help books for single men do exist. They belong to “how to get laid fast” section. I tried reading some material (to evaluate level of danger). Well, let’s just say I am not at all afraid of being “speed seduced”.
Why would a poor fellow pay $100+ for such instructions is beyond me. But I guess, if there is supply, there gotta be demand somewhere.
Shiri, Chutzpah, and all you JDate Doubters,
Obviously I’m dating my boyfriend for more than “recreational” purposes. I do see him as marriage material and he feels the same way about me. But I’m not going to rush into marriage just because of societal pressures. We are very much in love; we fell in love quickly and the feeling is mutual. Aren’t we allowed to take the time to get to know each other well before we move to the next step?? Also, I’m not going to blame JDate just because my last relationship from there didn’t work out!
Hopefully, I will prove all you JDate doubters wrong! STAY TUNED!!!
By the way, my brother and a male cousin of mine met their wives on JDate, so, again, sometimes it DOES work!
Books that a decidedly single gal has found useful:
(take with as many grains or chunks of salt as you like!)
1. _All you need is love & other lies about marriage_ by John Jacobs.
Attempted summary: There are a lot fewer pressures these days making people stay married, and far more opportunities to have A Life while single, so no duh that people don’t always stay together; if you’re aiming to do so, here are some unhelpful illusions worth busting.
I found the book level-headed and real. (John Gray’s first one, on the other hand, prompted some interesting discussions between me and my then-partner, but half the time, I was the true martian and him the venusian.)
(okay prepare yourselves this is corny)
2. _Opening our hearts to men_ by Susan Jeffers (Dr. “Feel the fear and do it anyway” Jeffers)
The book is soooo dated, it might now count as “retro”, not sure. BUT it’s also available for very few pennies, and it has some cool ideas that Dave might appreciate, based on (by no means randomly selected) interviews with men. Most memorable point: Next time you’re thinking, “why won’t he open up and tell me how he’s feeling???”, examine your conscience re: how often you have used his words against him in subsequent arguments. Sample direct quote from book: “If I really owned my magnificence, what would I be doing?” p. 232
[…] So, last week, Esther writes about dating books, including Kristina Grish’s The Joy of Text. […]
Let’s face it, most people are meeting thru web sites like JDate.
In my younger years, I was always on the prowl. It was relatively disgusting, but I would say it was a successful method, in terms of my objective.
I would usually approach any woman that I saw that I had an interest in.
Maybe 2-3 % of the time it would lead to a real love connection.
Of course, in many many cases they told me that they had a boyfriend.
One time in particular stands out. I had just arrived in this country and had no friends and was particularly lonely.
I had taken a temporary job in a customer service center, staffed by no less than 50 gorgeous attractive women.
I had asked a few of them out but they were married and such.
On my last day there, I made the rounds asking almost every single one, if she wanted to keep in touch, now that this being my last day.
One of them said, wait I have to go to the ladies room, wait here and when I finish, we can discuss. After 10 minutes, she said that she would go out w./ me on the basis of friends only, something like that , I passed.
Every single woman there said that she had a boyfriend or just no.
But I did start going to Jewish Singles events after that, dated but not w/ any real passion, but did meet my future wife a few months after, also in that same approach em method.
I aways felt that the hard work and sweat paid off.
Personally, I rather blogs over books. This way I don’t risk someone coming over and seeing how pathetic I am for reading them. Currently my favorite blog is http://smartsinglewomen.blogspot.com mostly because it’s real and reminds me that I’m not alone. It links me to interesting articles that I now have time to read now that I’m single. It doesn’t scream pathetic though, which is nice. Despite my rule hatred of dating books, curious what their Smart Single Women book will be.