Group therapy in a blog.
“Chivalry Is…”
What is chivalry? Alive? Dead? Undefinable? Necessary? Obsolete?
Once, I went out with this guy who was really traditional — not Jewishly, but when it came to dating. He believed in chivalry: If we drove somewhere, he would always run around to my side and open the door, even though it took longer and I was perfectly capable of opening it myself. I used to worry about encountering a mud puddle, anxious that he might try to put his coat over it and encourage me to walk on it, resulting in an extremely well-intentioned disaster for both me and the coat. He also insisted on walking between me and the curb, because he said that was the tradition in days of old, to protect the woman from the dangers of the road. “But what if someone comes at me from the other side and pulls me into an alley?†I wondered. (We’re not together anymore.)
Read the rest of my newest column at the Jewish Week and feel free to comment here.
Yes, of course chivalry is antiquated. It dates to the period when women were, or considered, chattel. It presupposes a man’s duty and obligation to care and provide for their wife. The wife produced children, clean clothing and home, and meals in return. This traditional arrangment lasted for thousands of years – until the 1970s. Nevertheless, even 30 years of liberation cannot erase thousands of years of a women’s almost innate desire to be cared and provided for. I cannot explain it – I am a mature, independent woman, yet I feel something – something primal even – when my guy “takes care” of me. Somehow I know its wrong – even contradictory – to feel that way. But we do.
Men have it tough. They really do. They are expected to work hard and earn a living (and today’s urban educated woman with super kids demand a higher standard of living than our mothers and grandmothers ever did), yet also be a great dad and share in the household labor, and at the same time be the romantic chivalrous prince we all innately want. I cannot begin to tell you how many girlfriends complain about their boyfriends/dates not being romantic and chivalrous enough. Sweet, thoughtful, hard-working guys, who unluckily might rather be playing golf than going to cute brunch spots or wine bars. Who remembers to Tivo your favorite shows without being asked (I love that!), but doesnt think to buy flowers. Maybe thats why there are so many of us who are single? Todays woman wants it all. Unfortuately we cannot have our cake and eat it too.
Of course, everyone wants to be taken care of. Men and women. But has any woman ever complained that her boyfriend never runs around to open the car door for her? Or that he didn’t walk between her and the curb? No way. We want someone who listens, observes, and shows that he cares in a meaningful way. The car door nonsense just shows me someone who isn’t confident enough to figure out how to show interest, and be sensitive, to the woman in front of him.
A guy’s perspective is needed here. One thing I learned from my mother, of all people, was how a lady should be treated. Opening doors, pulling the seat out at dinner, opening the car door, and standing when a woman leaves the table . The walking by the curb thing I never heard of, but then there are many things I have not heard of.
It’s not that we (men) don’t think you can’t do things for yourself, it is just the proper thing for us to do. I do believe that there are to many women out there who honestly would rather be treated like crap. I have had many female friends who talk about how crappy there date or boyfriend treated them, yet they stay with them and keep going after the same type of guy. Notice I said guy not man.
There are nice men out there and these men do want to take care of the ladies. I believe the ladies just need to learn to allow it.
I personally like an independent woman who can take care of themselves in all aspect of there life. That doesn’t necessarily mean she has to take care of everything.
Just a little something to ponder.
I think SB has touched upon one of the essential pieces of the argument here. ‘Chivalry’ just does not appear to be in the top 10 or even top 20 ‘necessary items’ that a BF or potential suitor must possess in oder to become a future spouse for most of those looking. This is probably because:
1.) Not too many can still spell it let alone describe what it may mean To Them!
2.) Each will have their own version or even peculiar family history of same. (Daddy always did X, Y & Z for Momma, so I just figured this is what all the Good guys did!) [What shell all the Pecans/Walnuts/Hazelnuts for the Holidays? They come shelled now & they’re Cheaper that way!]
3.) There’s very few ‘unreconstructed males’ around who’ve never heard of ‘women’s lib’ and who have been taught a Different form of courtesy from birth.
4.) Those few who do seem quite chivalrous may be also be quite the Male Chauvinist, and see no contradiction in this. And truth be told there’s really not. The entire concept rests upon a certain conception of what women are supposed to be doing and how much deference they are supposed to be showing their husbands, and what exactly their ‘due’ is for many different situations. Does the man eat first? Does he get the best cut of meat? The best chair, the best this & that? That too is part of the system as it indeed existed & functioned.
5.) So most people’s concerns incorporate a much wider spectrum of wants, needs & desires Besides this ancient form of respectful relations, which was typically honored more in it’s breech than in wholesome practice.
Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’