JDaters Anonymous
Group therapy in a blog.
Do You “Need a Mensch”?
319 years
If you’re holding out for a hero mensch, you might enjoy Frumster’s latest viral video, scripted by the online dating company and creatively designed and animated by ShaBot’s Aba, Ben Baruch.
“Enjoy!”
Older Men, Revisited
919 years
A recent post by Chayyei Sarah, titled “No More Creepy Old Guys,” has inspired me to reopen the earlier discussion on older men/younger women. She notes that on one of the internet dating services she frequents (although I’m not sure she’d love my using that term), DosiDate, they’ve just instituted age limits to their member searches.
“Given how many men in their 50’s have “initiated contact” with me through the various dating websites on which I’m a member,” she says, “you can bet I went into my Dosidate account right away to set up an acceptable age range.” She says she was “extremely liberal,” in both directions, when setting the boundaries, but that her “policy has long been that if a man is closer to my father’s age than he is to mine, he’s just out of luck. My father was 24 when I was born. You do the math.”
She also makes some important distinctions, that there’s a difference between slightly older and creepy older men looking for trophy wives, that men and women should both be a little more open-minded in the dating process, but that both sides have to be realistic. Feel free to go over there and comment, or carry on the conversation here, as you’ve been doing, even while I was away.
I know that people feel very passionately about this issue, and that’s leading to some people being accusatory and judgmental, and others becoming defensive…let’s keep the discussion civil, and agree to disagree where we have to.
I maintain, as I said on CS’s site, that online dating, although good at expanding the circles, which is unquestionably the name of the game in Jewish dating, also offers us a chance to reject someone based on a different set of criteria than we might observe if our original encounter is face-to-face.
Picture it…thirtysomething you goes to a party. Friends introduce you to a man who has a friendly, open smile, a warm sense of humor and an engaging demeanor. As you talk, you determine an intellectual–and, what’s that?–a religious/spiritual compatibility. Then later, you find out that the person is in his late forties or early fifties. You may feel a momentary disappointment that the person doesn’t share your immediate frame of reference, but if there’s enough “else” there, you probably won’t care. Because it’s about connecting with a person. One friend of mine married a man in his fifties who already had five kids, one of them with a child…The couple had a baby about a year later, a few months after one of the other kids had a baby, rendering my friend a grandmother before she was even a mother.
There are, of course, exceptions. A friend of mine recently told me about a man who was in his late fifties who wanted to date her; she liked him, but she was concerned. If things worked out, he’d be in his sixties when their kids were born, seventies when they were in high school and college, and it was likely that my friend would at some point, end up bearing the lion’s share of the parenting, either through infirmity, or decreased energy due to aging, or G-d forbid, even because of an early widowhood.
True, no one can know what life has in store. Philanthropists become victims in fatal traffic accidents, and terrorism cuts off lives in their prime. Illness knows no good timing or age or circumstance. Those are things we cannot control. But is it any wonder that for women in their thirties, what they’re ideally looking for is to maximize their chances with a partner they can build a life with, and with whom they can grow old, together?
A radical idea? Eliminate the age range entirely, and have people respond solely to picture and profile content. Rumor has it people mostly respond to pictures anyway…
Very Interesting Discussion, Kids…
219 years
For the most part, very well-behaved, respectful discussion of two very interesting subjects: friends with benefits, and age-based dating decisions. I enjoyed checking in with the conversation from various tropical climes, and once I’ve fully read through the discussion thread from start to finish, I will hopefully get around to doing some additional commenting on the subjects myself!
Things you can do to entertain yourselves in the interim:
— Visit Hilary and Annabel Lee (as well as constant supporters C and Ken “Long-Lost” Wheaton), and show them some comments love
— Vote over at the JIBs (Jewish and Israel Blog Awards)
— Visit Jewlicious and read about our upcoming conference on Jewish identity
— Register for said conference
— Check out “It’s a Blog World After All,” an article in the Jewish Journal about Jewish blogs
Vote early, vote semi-often
219 years
On Esther’s behalf, while she’s sailing the high seas, I thought I’d let y’all know that you can now vote for JDaters Anonymous for Best Jewish Humor Blog over in the JIB Finals.
And My Urban Kvetch is a finalist for Best Jewish Culture Blog.
You can vote every three days between now and 2 February 2006.
Best of luck to all the finalists! (Which – sob – does not include me.)
“Friends With Benefits”
5219 years
About this Friends-with-Benefits situation…
I know what the components are: friendship + fooling around. But I’ve never been able to understand it fully. Maybe I’m looking at things in black-and-white, but the way I see it, if you’re attracted to someone, and you like their personality and want to hang out with them, why isn’t that called–or why wouldn’t you want it to be called–a relationship?
Which of these elements is present in a relationship that is not present in a FWB scenario?
- Trust
- Attraction
- Mutuality
- Convenience
- Understanding of the rules
- Respect
- Concern
I suppose if both people are equally invested in the casual nature of the relationship as FWBs, then it’s fine. But how do you ensure that both of those people are on the exact same wavelength at the exact same time? And how do you prevent attachment?
Is such a relationship by definition limited in duration, until the whim of either party expires, or can it go on for years as long as both parties acquiesce? And again, absent the formal declaration of an agreement, does such a tacit arrangement constitute the very commitment the pair of FWBs are seeking to elude?
One last question…is FWBs more generally acceptable in the college-age population? Can people in their thirties and forties engage in these kinds of relationships with impunity, or is there always ultimately a price to pay?
I’m sure other people will have opinions on this. So I’m going to board a boat and let the sparks fly while I’m away…who knows? Maybe I’ll even give you some guest bloggers…
“…Exciting and New…”
319 years
I’m off to cruise the Caribbean with Jewish singles. Why? To make sure that you guys have interesting material to keep you warm throughout the winter months. And because I need some relaxation that doesn’t involve hibernating in my apartment in flannel pajamas because it’s too cold to even let my feet touch the uncarpeted floor. (Want to read my Urban Kvetch post about going on the cruise? Don’t let me stop you.)
Internet access will be expensive and limited, so I can’t promise heavy posting. But I’m going to try to do some posts in advance so you’ll have what to talk about while I’m away.
Let’s start with a controversial topic:
Love…is it really “exciting and new”? Or is love comfort, stability, and calm?
And what is the craziest thing you’ve ever done for love (or for the possibility of love)?
Resolution: Post Links to Articles Sooner
519 years
OK, so I’ve missed a column or two. So here are the last two columns I’ve not linked to yet…coincidentally, the first two columns of 2006:
Last Friday night, a few blocks from home, I sat in a row of chairs along a sanctuary wall. This particular synagogue was not some place I’d normally go, but accompanied by the excuse of friends from out of town, I tried something new-ish along with my Jewish. It wasn’t the traditional service I was used to; many congregants danced as they celebrated the incoming Sabbath, and a few white-clad, barefoot Jews reminded me of the hordes I had seen emerging from L.A.’s Kabbalah Centre in September. It was foreign but spirited, revealing an enthusiasm for prayer and Shabbat that I hadn’t felt in a while.
After the Jews had been seated, the rabbi asked us to close our eyes. As we headed into Shabbat  which happened to coincide with the weekend of Rosh Chodesh, the new moon, and which was also marked on the Gregorian calendar as “New Year’s Weekend† the rabbi asked us to think about what we could leave behind during this transitional moment. As I tried to clear my head of weekday clutter, sensory over-stimulation and the teeming army of germs conspiring to attack my sinuses, one word came into my mind: a proper name. As the year slipped away, I knew what I had to leave behind…
Soul (Mates) on Ice (no, I don’t understand the title either)
Four 30-something women sat at a table, talking about relationships  it all seemed very “Sex and the City,†only with maki sushi instead of martinis. The subject was soulmates. “You have a net of available soulmate options,†someone
said. “But some of them are quick minnows. You think they’re there and available, but they dart away.†The soulmates-as-fish-in-the-sea metaphors seemed appropriate, if a little insensitive to the spicy tuna rolls on our plates.
One married friend maintained that soulmates were defined by commitment. “If the commitment readiness isn’t there, he’s not your soulmate.†But did that mean that soulmate was just another synonym for commitment or love? If something is bashert, meant to be, isn’t it always meant to be? And what of fizzled relationships that seemed promising before they plummeted; what of the perceived soulmates gone inexplicably AWOL? ….
For Your Consideration: Two More Voting Days
119 years
Watching last night’s Golden Globe Awards, it suddenly struck me that I’ve been remiss in mentioning here that JDaters Anonymous has been nominated for Best Humor Blog in the Jewish and Israel Blog Awards. And since I don’t have a tip jar on this site or a fancy graphic pointing you to my Amazon Wishlist, I’m asking for a retroactive Chanukah present.
Check out the main page of the JIB Awards site (and/or my recap of the category on Jewlicious) and if you feel I deserve it, spend a few minutes voting for JDA for Best Humor Blog. Let’s be clear: I don’t expect to win. A few of those blogs have more visitors per day than I do all year. Statistically speaking, it’s not possible for me to win. But I’d like to rate a little higher, and if you’d like to help me, I’d be most grateful.
While you’re there, check out My Urban Kvetch’s two nominations, for Best Personal Blog and Best Culture Blog (the one contest where I have a chance of making it to the next round). And what the hell…why not vote?
The only other pitch I’ll make is for that other blog I’m all enmeshed with: Jewlicious, which is pretty much nominated in every category.
Of course, feel free to explore some of the other options there and vote it up big time for the blogs you like.
And thank you all for your voting support, as well as for your active commenting here…JDA wouldn’t be the same without you…
JDate News Central…
719 years
[slightly updated]
Two JDate related news items this week…firstly, if you’ve been to Times Square recently, you might have noticed JDate’s ginormous ad next to the W Hotel, featuring a smiling, embracing (or, has it already led to dancing?) brown-haired couple and reading “Experience Israel.”
The ad is what I believe is the first ever Times Square billboard to advertise a trip to Israel, in this case, JDate’s trip (don’t call it a mission) to the Holy Land in May (presumably, information will eventually appear on this page on the JDate website). Although it’s not clear how much holiness will actually be involved, since, as the ad says, “all the fun starts in Tel Aviv.” It may be less about holiness and more about horniness. (Oh, I got one more: less Zionism, more “zayin”ism. Oh, you Hebrew-speaking people know what I’m talking about…)
Packages begin at $2600, which is only about 74 months worth of JDate membership, for anyone who counts their money in those kinds of units…
Plus, for all of you JDaters who don’t have your own blogs and your own sites dedicated to how much you love online dating or being single in the modern Jewish world, JDate has launched or is launching JMag, its own online dating magazine. And they’re looking for writers, in case you’re interested in some purportedly unpaid, but heavily exposed work. No word on whether the articles you write will be hyperlinked to your JDate profiles. (But they probably should be, unless you’re ashamed of either your profile or what you’ve written…which you may be.)
Hopefully, the Israel trip will be a great opportunity for Jews who don’t fit the requirements for birthright or who would rather pay for their chance to visit the homeland. And hopefully, the articles in JMag will be better spell-checked than the profiles on JDate. But who knows? Time will tell.
[MAD PROPS TO TALTMAN FOR THE HAT TIP…]
Sushi and Soulmates
619 years
Out at dinner with three friends, we sat over edamame and talked. It all felt very “Sex and the City,” and I wondered which of us was Samantha. (If it was me, we were all in trouble.)
Issues came up. And one of them left me more than a little baffled: the concept of soulmates. This midrash states that what God has been doing since the process of creating the world was making matches…which is great, but why do some people seem to wait endlessly for their matches? Is it that they themselves, or their soulmates, aren’t ready in some way to “receive” their counterparts? Or is it a question of merit?
Is there only one soulmate for each person, which makes it next to impossible to believe that the two life paths will overlap enough and at the right time in order to achieve the actual meeting that leads to a lifetime commitment? Or are there several potential soulmates for each person, which can lead to confusion if you commit to one soulmate and at some future time meet another one?
Is the word soulmate just code word for “person with whom you are sufficiently compatible and to whom you are ready to declare a commitment”? How does the 50 percent divorce rate inform one’s understanding of the concept of soulmate? Can you fall out of soulmateship?
The more questions I ask, the more questions I have…
What do you think?