JDaters Anonymous
Group therapy in a blog.
LIKE SOMEONE? HERE’S HOW TO TELL THEM…
020 years
For your consideration:
New publisher Arriviste Press introduces the Virtual Wingman, your solution to crushes you don’t know how to handle.
The upshot is that you fill out a form, and Arriviste has a professional writer craft a witty email to the object of your friendship/affection. Just click on the link above to get all the details. And yes, Madames and Messieurs Scrooge, it is free.
Try it out, let me know if it works!
MORAL QUANDARY
1020 years
Earlier this week, I posted that story about the guy who invoiced his date for her half of the dinner that they had on their date.
Even if the story and the names are true, I’m not going to conribute to the rumor mill. If the guy were a serial rapist, it might be a public service to make others aware of his nature, but this (his sending an invoice) is a poor choice that might have been meant as a joke…
Who among us has not been misconstrued in a letter or email we sent, where tone was not apparent, and a joke went unabsorbed? I know I’ve been a victim of this before, and therefore live in a glass house as far as this is concerned. Far be it from me to throw the first name.
A READER’S QUERY
020 years
Has anyone ever used a different Jewish dating site besides JDate? Jewishfriendfinder? JMatch? JewishMingle? J2Jsingles? etc.?
Feel free to post your comments here, about all online dating services. Just because it’s “JDaters Anonymous” doesn’t mean you can’t contribute wisdom gleaned from other online experiences…
A MUSING, OR AMUSING?
120 years
Can’t decide whether this is a musing or amusing. One of them for sure.
Since I founded JDaters Anonymous, the only readers who have written to me about the site are men.
Since the publication of my latest Jewish Week article (see post below) about JDate profiles, the only readers who have written to me are men.
What does this mean? I’m convening a subcommittee to investigate.
TV IS LOVE
020 years
Of course, I’m in love with my TV, that goes without saying. But this is something different: a new dating TV channel in Israel. Here’s an excerpt from Viva Sarah Press’s article in the Jerusalem Post (you may have to register to access the article in its entirety):
Lying about one’s looks when it comes to TV is a hard thing to do – as each participant on the new dating service will feature in her or his own self-promoting video clip. The two-to-three minute clips, done in interview format, will be broadcast around the clock and will cost approximately NIS 480 to make. Subscribers who want to view the channel at home will have to pay NIS 35 a month for the service. Everyone will receive an intranet post box through which to communicate with potential partners.
As opposed to Internet dating where everyone and anyone can peruse a profile on line, Klika’s service can only be accessed by subscribers. And to be a subscriber of Klika, one has to show his ID card to prove he is who he says he is.
“You can get a picture on the Internet that is five years old,” says 32-year-old Ganor, who has on line dated on-and-off for three years.
“The video is current. JDate.com, even with a picture, is still a blind date. Here, I can choose the videos to watch. I don’t see TV personals as a blind date.”
And that’s exactly what Klika is about.
“We’re trying to take the blind out of date,” says Arieli, 39. “On the Net, you’re in a fantasy world. You never know what the person looks or sounds like until you actually meet him. I’m single and it’s easier for me to date someone having already seen him.”
For Ganor, who recently returned from abroad and is between jobs in the hi-tech field, that the television medium enables interaction is a bonus.
“I’m very cynical and I see people don’t understand what I write,” she says. “The Internet is flat. There’s no tone on the Web.”
I just keep remembering that the camera adds ten pounds. And I know that unless people have professional makeup and hair crews working on them before air-time, people look different on TV than they do in real life. So, as usual, I’m skeptical. But we’ll see what happens, if this takes off in Israel and if (a big if) it ends up migrating to the States.
NEW JEWISH WEEK ARTICLE
020 years
My new column’s up and this one is about, um, surprise, JDate.
Here’s the link: A New Profile, A New You.
(And if you decide to contact E-Cyrano for profile help or go to the workshop at the 92nd Street Y, tell Evan I sent you!)
A READER DISCOVERS THE UP-SIDE TO CENSORSHIP
220 years
I guess there’s always a way to make lemonade from JDate-given censored lemons.
A reader writes:
I think the jdate censors now block the word “excite.” There is a guy whose profile used to begin, “Promise to Excite and Entice…” (He’s in my list of people who’ve viewed my profile. Now it says, “Promise to and Entice…”
Is this because some small number of people use an email service at excite.com? Soon there will be nothing left. I’m glad you’ve exposed this problem, though, because now I am not as judgmental about sentences that seem disjointed. Instead of assuming the writers are careless or stupid, I can blame it on jdate…
I agree. Knowing that there are other forces at work on these profiles make me also think twice about discarding a profile for perceived lapses in otherwise-coherent sentences. I’m more tolerant now, and it’s all because of me.
HOW TO JDATE FOR FUN, PROFIT AND JAIL TIME
020 years
The Forward reported that an Orlando man used JDate to “lure women into dating him†was arrested in Broward County, and bail was set at $21,000. (Here’s the URL, though I think you’ll have to register with the site in order to view it.)
I know many of you are thinking that maybe he was arrested because he claimed to be 5’10 and he was really 5’5. But no…the 34-year-old was charged with grand theft. He swindled at least fifteen women, “stealing credit card information, personal checks, a car and identity information.â€Â
The kicker? The so-called “Internet Casanova†who is described as a “published poet,†wasn’t even Jewish. And a close reading of the article reveals that only one of the swindled women was a JDater.
What do we learn, boys and girls? Sweet words aren’t everything, and anything that seems too good to be true probably is.
Dating in general, let alone Internet dating, is a scary world: go forth and have great adventures. Just remember to proceed with caution.
A Reader Responds
320 years
M., a reader from California, shares the following found example of JDate’s seemingly random censoring of certain clusters of letters…
–
Perfect First Date: “It would where we first get to know each other.
The venue is not that important. We would be relaxed and
enthusiastically talk about various su ects. A good place to meet
would be a cafe or restaurant.”
—
“su ects.” JDate censors “bj.” I don’t know if I should be amused
or appalled.
M., be appalled, and not just at the censoring of BJ (what if the person was talking about a synagogue on the Upper West Side?).
Be appalled because this person has constructed a well-oiled cliche to show his (boring) vision of a first date, be it perfect or not.
“where we first get to know each other”–this is any date.
“enthusiastically talk about various su ects”–even “adding a BJ” here isn’t going to help.
“A good place to meet would be a cafe or restaurant”–props for spelling restaurant right, a word I still occasionally wrong with a misspelling.
But this reminds me of an improv “ask,” where we ask the audience for a setting before constructing a scene within that context. You’ve seen it: “Can you give me a location, where two people might meet?” This is so general that it’s really up to the creativity of the individual to tailor it interestingly. A cafe or restaurant? Almost never. More likely, the audience responds with a subway platform, a library, the corner market, a doctor’s office…none of which I would select for a first date. But all of which would be more interesting than anything this guy would pick.
I’m harsh, I know. Call it high standards, or high-falutin’, but I’m simply not willing to compromise on creativity.
Q & A
220 years
Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I’m back now, with a Q&A inspired by a reader and JDate subscriber in Boston.
How about a “profile workshop� Participants could offer candid critiques on each others’ profiles?
Good idea. I’m sure we’ve all had friends look at our profiles and give feedback. But sometimes you need a professional: a friend of mine founded a company that does exactly that. Check E-Cyrano.com, and let him know I sent you!
How about a piece on “tips for hiding your email address [in your profile so you don’t have to pay for the service]�
I could definitely publish tips for hiding your email address in the text of the profile, but it’s become very difficult to get away with this, since JDate censors have stepped up their censoring of anything that might be an email address. I actually wrote a piece on this for My Urban Kvetch, the other blog I run. I’ve reposted it below for your convenience. You’ll see that the censoring crackdown has resulted in fractured sentences and errors that seem like typos, but aren’t. Irks an editor something awful, I tell you.
JDate seems to be pushing this whole “perfection†thing (“perfect first date,†“ideal relationship,†etc.) As often as not, people reject this and write “well, not expecting a perfect first date, but…†Don’t you think JDate could be more in touch with what members consider relevant?
Of course. JDate should actually go out with some of these people who have profiles on their service. Then they’d be just as horrified as the rest of us are.
In terms of “perfection,” people on dating services state their “ideal” because you don’t go into a pay service saying “I’ll settle for…” If we’re going through the rigmarole of defining what we want (which we don’t get the advantage of doing in real dating life) we’re going to shoot for the moon, so to speak. Almost no one says, “I’d like to date someone who’s visibly flawed, has no sense of romance, and brings his baggage to every interaction.â€Â
There seems to be no consensus about whether folks like to chat for chatting’s sake or if an IM automatically means “I’m interested.†Me, I’m a chat fiend, so just enjoy a chance to relate. There’s a definite comraderie that fellow searchers can enjoy (I’ve made a few good friends from contacts in online personals). Some women, when I IM them, their first response is “hold on, I’ll read your profile and see if I think we’re a good match…†Um, hello? There really is such a thing as just saying hello. If I’m looking for a date, I’ll be explicit. Which is why women that I IM seem to be more at ease if they’re not local.
In life, yes, there is such a thing as just saying hello. In the context of online dating services, not so much. There are undoubtedly some JDate members who like to chat for chat’s sake. But I would think that the general rule is that unless you have something substantial in common with that person that’s obvious from the profile, and you’re connecting to ask a question specific to that topic (say, improv; or once I contacted someone in St. Louis about a shared love of Buffy), I think most people think the IM chat is a preliminary to dating; most people want to date someone in their geographical area, which is why many might be reluctant to spend their time chatting with someone out of area. In the chatroom, yes, since it’s a gathering place for people from all over, but not the one-on-one of individual IM.
Also, you need to remember that most women in their thirties are on JDate not to meet friends, but to meet potential mates, or at least dates. They already have plenty of friends in real life. (Theoretically.) Therefore, a friendly IM from someone out of area who’s just saying hello might seem annoying, or a waste of their JDate time/money.
If you know you’re a chat fiend and often send IMs to women out of your area or who you’re just saying hi to, you might want to add that to your profile so people know what they’re getting when they hear from you, and will maybe treat it a little less seriously.
…and thanks for creating the Jdaters site. I feel pounds lighter now.
Dude, I’m so glad to have helped.
Disagree with my responses? Got some advice to add? Let me know via the comments function or via email…