JDaters Anonymous

Thanks to Gothamist, I now understand that much like a team of Nazis looking for the Ark of the Covenant, I’ve been digging in the wrong place.

According to this new study, New York didn’t even crack the top ten of best dating cities. Columbus, OH? Yes. Honolulu? Yup. Jersey City, NJ? Yessir. They all outrank NY according to the study.

Of course, I doubt that Austin-San Marcos, TX is where all Jewish gals should migrate to in order to find their basherts (y’all).

And then, when you read the details, you see that the survey was cosponsored by Axe Body Spray and fixates on ages 18-24, a bracket I’ve not seen since the Clone Wars. And then, it suddenly makes sense.

I’m of two minds. (Not unusual for me. Do I love Jdate? Do I hate it? OK, you all know the answer to that one now…)

One side of me loves an underdog and wants you to vote for JDaters Anonymous for Best Culture Blog in the JIB Awards. But the realist in me would realize that I just can’t beat me; the leader in that category is currently My Urban Kvetch. And I’m not gonna lie…I do want that virtual statuette.

This house cannot be divided against itself. And it looks like only one of my babies has a chance of being victorious…

I leave this matter in your capable hands, my precious readers (all four of you), and hope that “Team Esther” will emerge from competition, in some way, triumphant.

My new article, “The Drama of Dating,” is now online at the Jewish Week website.(NY Jewish Week, 02/04/05)

And oh, how I wish they had called me before they cut a phrase from my original opening (reproduced here for your convenience):

“Curtain up! Light the lights!” “It’s time to put on makeup, it’s time to dress up right!” It is here, somewhere between a Broadway show’s clarion anthem and the whimsical pre-curtain preparation and onstage goofiness of “The Muppet Show,” that we encounter the drama of our dating lives.

Click here to read the whole article.

According to this article on iVillage’s Sex and Relationships channels there are 5 ways to make ANYONE fall in love with you, and it all has to do with manipulating our idiot brains.

Here are the five ways they suggest:

1. Hang Around Lots…but Then Be Unavailable
This is excruciating. If you like someone, you want to be around them all the time. This is advocating an “absence makes the heart grow fonder” stance, but you run the risk of crossing over into “out of sight=out of mind.”

2. Let Them Do Nice Things for You
That’s really nice. I do so enjoy the word “nice.” It’s so “nice.” And so meaningless.
When we’re infatuated with someone, we’re desperate to do nice things for him. You’re much better off letting him spoil you.
That’s great. But if I’m unavailable, how’s he gonna get to do nice things for me?

3. Give Them the Eye

If you look at someone you like 75 percent of the time when they’re talking to you, you trick their brain. The brain knows the last time that someone looked at them that long and often, it meant they were in love. So it thinks OK, I’m obviously in love with this person as well, and starts to release phenylethylamine (PEA). PEA is a chemical cousin to amphetamines and is secreted by the nervous system when we first fall in love. PEA is what makes our palms sweat, our tummies flip over, and our hearts race. The more PEA the person you want has pumping through the bloodstream, the more likely he is to fall in love with you.

Shakespeare summed this one up the best: Tell me where is fancy bred…or in the heart or in the head?

See? I told you your brain was an idiot. (And besides, I’ve tried this and it doesn’t work.)

4. Don’t Look Away

Simply lock eyes with the person you like and keep them there, even when he has finished talking or someone else joins the conversation. When you eventually do drag your eyes away (three or four seconds later), do it slowly and reluctantly — as though they’re attached by warm toffee…If you’re too shy to gaze openly, skip the toffee and think bouncing ball. Look away and at the other person who’s joined the conversation, but every time they finish a sentence, let your eyes bounce back to the person you’re interested in. This is a checking gesture — you’re checking his reaction to what the speaker is saying — and lets him know you’re more interested in him than the other person.

What an image. Warm toffee. My eyelids are getting heavy just thinking about it. More ways that your brain is an idiot. (Plus, I’ve also tried this and it doesn’t work.)

5. Practice Pupillometrics

There’s just one thing you need for bedroom eyes: big pupils. According to pupillometrics, the science of pupil study, this is the crucial element we respond to. You can’t consciously control your pupils (one reason why people say the eyes don’t lie). But you can create the right conditions to inspire large pupils and get the effect. First, reduce light. Our pupils expand when they’re robbed of it, one reason why candlelight and dimmer switches are de rigueur in romantic restaurants. It’s not just the softening of light that makes our faces appear more attractive, larger pupils also help.

I can see myself now, with my eyes squeezed shut for an hour in preparation for a party where I’ll see a guy I like. Later, when we get engaged, I’ll ask him what first attracted him to me, and he’ll say, “I’m a pupil man.”

In case you’re interested in more wisdom from the author of these tips, you can check out 18 Body Language Cues That Say He’s Interested.