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I always said that you could find a magazine quote to support any position…and if anyone doubted your methods or the opinion’s validity, you could always say, “Oh, it’s true, I read it in a magazine,” because even if you hadn’t, it was probable that you could have. Nowadays, it’s all about the internet, of course, with new magazines and webwire services launching daily, and with a steady stream of surveys that prove pretty much anything.

Well, you’ll be happy to know that being single has its pros and cons. For instance, depressed people who walk down the aisle experience alleviation of their depression. Unless, of course, they marry the wrong person and experience a post-wedding life of conflict and unhappiness. As the article says, “People who were happy before getting married and end up in a marriage plagued by distance or conflict — qualities associated with a depressed spouse — might be better off single.” (Ya think?)

But, married people, on average, are fatter [typos from the original survey, which calls into question its veracity…].

One reason could be that married people have more relaxed attitudes in terms of body image, whereas singles may view themselves as part of the “marriage market” and will go to greater lengths to say fit, says Robyn McGee author of Hungry for More: A Keeping it Real Guide for Black Women on Weight and Body Image.

But single people die sooner:

A study by the University of California, San Diego and the University of California, Los Angeles professors found that out of 67,000 Americans, those who never married tended to die earlier than those who were divorced, separated or widowed.

And on the other hand, being married is no guarantee for longevity… married women who hold back on expressing their feelings also die younger than women who express their emotions:

Women who reported usually or always keeping their feelings to themselves when in conflict with their husbands, known as self-silencing, had more than four times the risk of dying from any cause compared to women who always show their feelings, the researchers said.

And of course, there’s the old joke. Married people live about as long as single people; it just feels like it’s longer.

But I know these are all true. Don’t believe me? I read it in an online magazine. Or five.

Greetings columnizers. My newest Jewish Week singles column, “Coming Attractions,” is now available online.

Coming Attractions
by Esther D. Kustanowitz
New York Jewish Week, First Person Singular
August 18, 2006

When my friends and I moved to New York City after college, theater and high culture were out of our price range. But at the movies, we found affordable, air-conditioned entertainment. Popcorn was always extra (in terms of both coins and calories), but a secret bonus was included in the price of admission: Before the film started, we were treated to numerous movie trailers, designed to entice us into future movie ticket purchases and to create buzz for upcoming film releases. We’d predict how many trailers we’d get, and be delighted when we got more than expected. Based on how good each preview was, we’d make our decisions right there — “no way!” “totally!” and “maybe on DVD.”

In the dating world, several mechanisms operate as trailers, setting us up with overly vast expectations or none at all, and causing us to make instant judgments about the people we meet as romantic potentials. If we’re looking, we’re often “treated” to previews of the main attraction before we even determine whether the featured presentation holds any attraction at all. The movie judgment mechanism is activated. Bearing little information, we discard potential dates before we ever meet them, or elevate our expectations to such a level that no man or woman alive can ever hope to reach them.

To read the rest of this article, visit this page at EstherK.com.

Last week, mid-heatwave, I saw a couple–visibly sweating into their clothing, causing darkening patches to puddle on their backs, chests and under their arms–who insisted on not just holding hands, but occasionally walking with his arm around her shoulder…you know, the
kind of people who never want to be apart, even if it’s 100 degrees out.

“You’ve found that special someone, and you never want to be apart…” I know that SNL’s “Love Toilet” was a fake product. Really. But I really have a feeling that this new trend of “Couple-Surfing” is an outgrowth of that kind of disgustingly-crazy-in-love couple, for whom PDA still means “public displays of affection.”

While I’m all for couples communicating–whatever method they decide to use–I feel like this trend introduces a third party and may not facilitate communication; in some cases, the intervening layer of technology may lead to misunderstandings…

In any case, thank Wired’s blog for this list of the interesting things couples said about how they view the internet, including:”An infomaniac is better off with another infomaniac who understands and partakes of their addiction, rather than mixing the tender electrovert
with a more organically-centered human,” and “There is something poetic in an e-mail correspondence, even if you see the other person every day. The e-mail personalities can be somehow different.”

I’ve long mourned the loss of the love letter tradition–will our emails of LOL and ROTFLs someday serve the same romantic and nostalgic function as the lovingly inscribed, handwritten declarations of feelings immortalized by couples separated by life and war and parental or social impediments? Perhaps this trend of couples communicating with each other online might serve as a romance renaissance of sorts?

One thing’s certain…if the article/list reveals any essential truth, it is this statement:

“I think my lover would prefer it if I wasn’t checking blogs at 2 in the morning in my underwear.”

Yeah, we’re pretty sure you’re right about that.

(Here’s my latest singles column…I wrote this column before finding out about last week’s Upper West Side tragedy, so any thematic similarity between Hamlet’s ponderings and those of someone who’s clinically depressed are strictly coincidental, and not intended as a commentary on the tragedy; still, I felt I had to address it in some way (and that’s what paragraphs 4 & 5 are about. I hope that the community comforts Sarah’s family and provides support for them and for all singles and marrieds in the future. EDK)

Coping with the Question
by Esther D. Kustanowitz
(First Person Singular, NY Jewish Week, August 4, 2006)

“To be, or not to be, that is the question,” Hamlet pondered, torturing himself with an existential query. As singles, we too grapple with an essential question: “Why are you still single?”

Pose the question, even theoretically, and hordes will respond: you’re too picky, fat, short, ugly or boring; you’re not putting yourself out there; you have issues; you’re spiritually or morally bankrupt; you fear intimacy and commitment; you’re waiting for impossible perfection; or you’re so “whiny,” you should “just freakin’ wed anyone already.” (That last one? Courtesy of an anonymous blogger, complaining about my June column.)

While self-examination is already a single person’s occupational hazard, asking such a question repeatedly takes an emotional toll. When we’re alone, the question echoes, engendering a burgeoning paranoia that the purgatory may well be eternal, and because of some unrevealed and essentially unforgivable hubris. Men blame women, women blame men, everyone blames their parents and their community, and themselves.

I had already completed this column when I got the news that a 25-year-old Upper West Sider, known by most as a happy young woman, had ended her life. Over the last week or so, there has been much discussion of who or what to blame for her death: named suspects include the community pressure to marry, a recent breakup, and clinical depression.

And although the community is not necessarily — as others have intimated — responsible for clinical depression, it may well have been one of many factors creating stress and hopelessness in the young woman’s life. I can only hope that the community will respond appropriately — helping her family to mourn and find comfort, and creating programs to better ensure that people of all ages feel supported and valued, socially, religiously and emotionally.

But the question “Why are you still single?” or alternately, “Why aren’t you married yet?” is yet another form of community pressure and expressed expectations. When a single responds with “I guess I just haven’t found the right person yet,” the yenta-in-residence leans in, sometimes touching your arm, shoulder or leg to indicate just how sympathetic they are, and “consoles” you: “Don’t worry, we’ll find you someone. God willing, it should be soon too by you. Maybe you should try meeting some new people?” Oh. Like we hadn’t thought of that before.

When it comes to the question, everyone — especially those who aren’t single — thinks he or she has the answer. Those Rules ladies thought they knew (“never accept a Saturday night date if he calls Thursday”). Those people who told us that our potentials were “just not that into us” thought they knew, too. Shmuley Boteach thinks he knows; in a Beliefnet.com article from June, Boteach told one mother that the reason her 29-year-old daughter was (oh, the horror!) still single was because she had friends. Ask her to sever ties with her friends for a few weeks, Boteach advised — after experiencing true loneliness, she’d be ready to accept a partner into her life.

Evan Marc Katz, E-Cyrano.com’s “online dating guru,” who I interviewed in one of my first columns, employs an irreverent, humorous approach to the infernal, eternal question in his new book, “Why You’re Still Single: What Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad.” Katz and his co-author, Linda Holmes, present perspectives rather than answers, and the resultant honesty is refreshing. Against a backdrop of pop culture and humor, the duo delves into the depths of dating do’s and don’t’s, acting as the friends you really need — the funny ones who aren’t afraid to hurt your feelings if it will mean helping you out.

Struggling with one major question or many smaller ones, we understand that friends cannot take the place of our bashert. But neither should the pursuit of a significant other take the place of our already-significant friendships, the ones that provide love and support in a dating environment that — as we suffer the slings and arrows of our outrageous fortunes — can often feel like a friendless void.

Shakespeare’s Hamlet is defined by his solitude; the Melancholy Dane cannot trust the people who surround him, not even his family. Most of us are luckier than Hamlet. Perhaps if he’d kept company with friends other than Ophelia, or if he’d experienced the proper support from his community, his existential dilemmas might have seemed a little less weighty.

Esther D. Kustanowitz took too many Shakespeare classes in college. You can reach her at jdatersanonymous@gmail.com.