JDaters Anonymous

While you might be caught up in cliches or otherwise struggling with online dating, your grandparents are scoring big-time.

Initially considered to be the realm of the desperate and the serial killers, scam artists and losers waiting to meet them, Internet dating is now a mostly socially accepted way of meeting potential partners, especially by 20- and 30-year-olds who grew up with the technology.

Honestly, they had me at “serial killers.” I do have to say that there’s not much of a transition from that rogues’ gallery of what internet dating used to be to it being “socially accepted.” From a research and world trends perspective, I think the jury may still be out. But back to the piece.

But according to experts like online dating coach Laurie Davis, “the over-50 crowd is the largest growing segment” of singles looking for love in cyber space on sites like JDate.com. PlentyofFish.com, Match.com, eHarmony.com and others.

Of course, this is probably known by women who are internet dating in their 30s. (Men in their 30s and 40s are typically chillin’ with the 20-something ladies, whilst the 50-something gents are all up for some hot 30s action.

But here’s a piece of advice for those 50-somethings who may want to jump start a reality television career: Kate Gosselin, of Jon Minus Kate and We’re Not Really Sure What Happened to the Eight, is apparently on internet dating sites like JDate. So that’s Kate Plus (J)Date. (Still no word on “the Eight.”)

(A longer version of this piece appears at MyUrbanKvetch.)

Recently, Jews observed the holiday of Purim, which thematically centers on disguise, withheld information, and political intrigue. To commemorate these themes and celebrate the inner parts of our lives that we might not always feel comfortable expressing, Jews traditionally dress in costume. Some costumes are fun, or (taking a cue from secular cousin Halloween) present an excuse to sex it up a little, at least for the one day. But if the theme was exposure and honesty, my costume choice was clear: I would become the clichés that people write (over and over again) in their online dating profiles.

How would I do this? Could I wear “a little black dress and jeans and a t-shirt”? How would I visually manifest “working hard and playing hard”? Should I get a fake arm, throw it around my shoulder, and label with a sign that says “my ex – but don’t worry, he’s out of the picture”?

I started with the little black dress, and attached to the front of the dress a whiteboard of sorts – then let people add their own clichés via stickers. And then the public art/commenting phase began. Afterwards, I knew I needed to analyze this piece of public commentary for the audience of online daters and beyond, so that we can all learn to be ourselves and not clichés.

Alongside “work hard and play hard,” “I like a fancy night out, but also a night in,” “friends and family are important to me,” and “a perfect date is when you don’t want it to end”- as well as “looking for someone with a good head on his shoulders,” which was scribbled on a sticker in Hebrew – were several categories of clichés:

The Blame Game: These comments blame someone else for your presence on JDate, usually a parent or a friend. “I never do this,” “I can’t believe I’m on JDate,” “my friends made me join.” However you got here, you’re here and so is everyone else, so get over it.

“Duh” statements: “I love travel and sushi,” “I love to laugh,” “communication is the most important thing,” and “love to hike and bike.” They don’t really tell you anything about the person in question: it’s like saying “I’m a carbon-based lifeform who enjoys breathing oxygen and locomoting bipedally” (except less interestingly). And as for “my mom thinks I’m a catch,” we’re so glad for you, and are certain that this focus on your mother during a search for a life partner is not at all negatively influencing your results.

Read the rest of this entry »

I was working on another post when I found this story via Twitter. If you think your city’s dating life is lame, maybe try San Francisco’s brand of excitement. In SanFran, you can meet a guy at a party, if he turns out to be straight and single (“Although the man smelled a little funny, the two spent the whole night talking”), you can make out with him, start dating him, and then realize that the reason you never went to his place is because he doesn’t have one. Knowing that there’s a scarcity of straight single men in the dating pool, you’ll probably continue to date him anyway, just to give the relationship a chance. And then, you’d get dumped. By a guy who’s homeless.

The woman in the story above is real. And now, according to the SF Gate, she’s one of the single women in San Francisco who find themselves turning to an unlikely source for help: the #8 Pickup Artist known as “Soul.” Previously, he focused on training men to pick up women. Now he’s launching “Girl Game,” to help the ladies find the guys:

The thrust of his advice was that they should forgo aggression, and instead create a “window of opportunity” for men to initiate a connection. This can be as simple as using eye contact, body language, or, if absolutely necessary, starting a “functional” conversation. For instance, “How was your week?”

What I learned? Women shouldn’t be too aggressive or put guys on the spot. They should flip their hair when they’re interested. And I also learned that there’s apparently a “seduction community,” a group of professionals who help (mostly) men pick up the ladies. More tidbits in the full article, here.

My friends and I often find ourselves talking about “the age thing” – this can include men’s propensity to seek out younger women (often excluding women in their own age group), how older women dating younger men are generally frowned on and assigned an animal nickname (welcome to “Cougartown”), how an age difference can either matter or not matter in choosing someone to date, and the degree to which online dating – filtering primarily by age – creates unnecessary and unimportant hurdles in front of someone who could be great.

For instance, this “Vows” couple who almost didn’t make it, because of her list, and because of “the age thing.” They went out twice, had two great dates, and then she called it off – not because she didn’t like him or have fun with him, but because he was nine years older. True, part of that was because she was feeling her youth and her newness in a big city with lots of (perceived potential) – at that point, to her, 26/35 was a huge difference.

Don’t cry for him, though – he became a “serial dater” in the ultimate serial dater city, and along the way, stayed in touch with the lady in question, meeting for drinks and listening to her kvetch about other guys. Eventually, the stars aligned, something shifted, the bride-to-be got older and wiser, and the couple dated, got engaged and got married.

The bride said she could not believe she wasted more than 10 years without him.  “I look at him now and he’s the hottest guy on the planet,” she said.

What lesson should we learn from this couple?

That the right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy?

That attraction sometimes takes 10 years to develop? (For women – if he hadn’t been attracted from the beginning, I don’t think we’d be reading this story…)

That we shouldn’t cling so tightly to our “lists”?

That age ain’t nothin’ but a number? Or that age unfairly assigns a set of stereotypes to a person who may not remotely fit them?

If it’s New Year’s week, and you’re a single woman, and you have a TV, you’re probably watching “When Harry Met Sally” right now. From “BabyFishMouth” to “tell me I’ll never have to be out there again,” you’re equal parts loving and hating yourself as you watch for the 20th time. The film itself has some of the most perfect comedic timing ever seen in movies over the past 20 years, and, since we’ve all grown up on this film and experienced it deeply personally, we can’t help but feel that since Harry and Sally got their perfect wedding to their perfect soulmate, so should we. In short, it built romantic expectations for a generation.

But then we run into the central premise, and debate it ad nauseam with our male and female friends. Can men and women be friends? And is that really what the movie is about? Let’s hear from co-author Nora Ephron. (I read this in the book edition of the screenplay and copied it out to share with you.)

…What “When Harry Met Sally” is really about – not, as i said, whether men and women can be friends, but about how different men and women are. The truth is that men don’t want to be friends with women. Men know they don’t understand women, and they don’t much care. They want women as lovers, as wives, as mothers, but they’re not really interested in them as friends. They have friends. Men are their friends. and they talk to their male friends about sports, and I have no idea what else.

Women, on the other hand, are dying to be friends with men. Women know they don’t understand men, and it bothers them. They think that if only they could be friends with them, they would understand them and, what’s more (and this is their gravest mistake), it would help. Women think if they could just understand men, they could do something.

I’ve been thinking about these words, and Nora Ephron’s wisdom about this topic. What we’re really trying to achieve is not friendship, it’s understanding why they do what they do (presumably to us). It’s only fitting, since I’ve spent decades thinking about whether men and women can be friends, that I try to give this some serious thought. I have some men friends, but the level of friendship isn’t even close – the trust, the reliability, the sympatico…it’s just a miss. And when they’re in relationships, they’re just gone. If the relationships don’t work out, they’re back. And then, when they vanish again, I know there’s someone else.

It’s fine. I mean, I get why it happens. But the fact that I get it doesn’t mean that I think that’s optimal behavior for friends. But of course now, we have a new definition for friends. And so I declare, “we have reached a new era, an era when men and women can be friends. On Facebook.”

If you have thoughts on this issue, please, share with the group.

And whatever you do this New Year’s Eve, keep your expectations reasonable, and find a designated driver. Wishing you all a safe and happy new year.

Yes, there was the Details article (which, by the way, was more about Jews in porn than it was about Jews being seen as desirable). And also some brouhaha about Jewish girls being called “Coasties” (to the delight of some and the chagrin of others). And now, the topic continues (sort of) with a segment from LoveNation about “The Desirability of Jews,” then rendered by one of the hosts as “the uprise in the desire of Jews,” and then, ultimately as “the uprising of Jewish people.”

Click play, and discover new and barely researched pieces of information from hosts Laurie (the eFlirt Expert) and Thomas (the Professional Wingman). (Partial transcript follows the video embed.)

The Desirability of Jews from LoveNation on Vimeo.

Thomas: Over the course of time, I guess there’s been a growing popularity of Jewish people. Apparently, Jews are popular, I think it’s great. Obviously, it wasn’t like that back in the day with anti-Semitism and complete prejudice against Jewish people. And now, everyone loves them! Why?

Laurie: There is this term “JILF” that’s going around right now…I don’t know who started it, but I most recently saw it in Details. [explanation of JILFs] It’s because women are so career-oriented, also even for guys they are so family-oriented. And especially in Gen X and Gen Y, religion is becoming less important. But with people who are Jewish alot of them are pretty practicing, [...]or if not practicing, their culture is still really important to them. And so family values is something that when religion isn’t important anymore gets left by the wayside, people don’t care about having kids, taking the legacy forward.

Thomas: Also, pop culture has had a huge influence on the uprise of Jewish people. Remember Seinfeld? Jerry was definitely Jewish. [lists additional Jewish comedians] And also Madonna.

Laurie: And Madonna has helped bring Judaism to the forefront also because of her cool Kabbalah thing that she has going on. She kind of brought everyone’s eye to it. [...]

Thomas: When it comes to dating, there’s even a website for Jewish singles to get together, called JDate.

What? Jerry Seinfeld is Jewish? And there’s even a whole dating site for Jewish singles!! That’s crazy talk!
I love Leah‘s response to the comment about JILFs: “There’s this term ‘JILFs’ going around right now.” There’s also this term OMGWTF going around. (via Twitter)

I appreciate that the duo believed they were providing a vital service: a discussion of the purported rise in perceived desirability of Jews. And I know that it was probably extremely well-intentioned (with tips for how to date Jews and everything!). And with only a few shows to their history together, it’s possible that the hosts will develop better chemistry and more of a flow as they practice more. But the content of their advice in this video was less factually substantial than the “Christmas Song for Mormons” featured on Conan’s show – which took most of its information from Wikipedia. These two – both dating “experts” in their non-video lives – should have delved a bit deeper and more intelligently into the issues, instead of this shallow rehash of the fact that Jerry Seinfeld was Jewish, and that Madonna’s involved in Kabbalah (which, by the way, isn’t the same thing ask Judaism). The content’s style most reminded me of some of the English papers I read in college, written by friends who hadn’t quite finished the books necessary to have an intelligent discussion on the subject, but who had to turn in the assignment anyway.

Toward the end of the advice section, Thomas – who noted that some non-Jews pursuing Jews are just “going after a stable person who happens to be Jewish” – advises that those who court Jews should “NOT crack jokes about stereotypes of Jewish people in general: perceived to be really cheap, whether Jewish women are not good cooks, whatever stereotype you’ve heard, don’t mention them” because “they don’t appreciate it at all.”

I understand that the discussion of Jewish (or any) stereotypes is a sensitive subject and the hosts felt the need to tread lightly, but pointing out stereotypes to avoid (including one I’ve never heard of) is using those stereotypes. Can you imagine getting the advice, “If your date is Irish and orders a drink, try not to comment on it, because it’s a stereotype and they don’t appreciate it at all”? I think that trying to avoid calling your date “cheap” (whether he’s Jewish or not) is a bare minimum to strive for on dates. And if you can’t get through a date with a Jewish person without calling them cheap or calling attention to some other purportedly Jewish attribute – whether it’s true or not – then you probably shouldn’t be out in public to begin with.

There’s a lot of video drivel out there, and when it comes to dating sites, everyone’s out to make a buck or self-promote. But if you’re going to launch your own show on a topic as rich as dating (online and off), why not contribute something meaningful to the conversation?

Want another opinion? Check out the 16th Street J’s take, “JILFing Us Softly“.

Last week, I met someone who told me that while he had not met his wife through JDate, but that the process of going out with (200!) women from JDate had made him a better dater. Well, that figures, right? I mean, practice anything 200 times and you’re going to get better at it.  He noted that the process had made him better at his job, too, had trained him to listen better to people, even if he wasn’t overly interested in the subject matter.

But I was more intrigued by his description of his process – that he had obtained feedback even from dud dates that made him able to improve to the point of being able to meet his soulmate. He told me that after any woman told him she didn’t think a next date was a good idea, he told her that he respected her decision, but that if he had done anything that annoyed her, he’d love it if she’d tell him what it was.

I was fascinated, and tried to imagine myself as one of these women. How honest would I be? How sincere would I have thought he was in his “desire to learn”? It made me think of the tongue-in-cheek suggestion I made to friends years ago about handing out evaluations (or sending a surveymonkey link) to dates to enable honest feedback on dating technique and reactions to compatibility based on the dating experience.

While it’s very easy to joke about this, many people do a “post-game” analysis (let’s be optimistic and NOT call it a post-mortem) of their dates: this could include self-assessment (“did I talk/fidget/play with my hair/order/eat too much?” etc.) or sociological observations about behavior of the other person (“did s/he like me, or just tolerate me?” “was that banter or arguing?” etc.). But all of this assessment happens internally: is there a value in externalizing, vocalizing, concretizing this analysis as a way to evaluate performance and potential, and perhaps as a learning tool? And are we all man (or woman) enough to accept the criticism?

Usually, singers wax rhapsodic about the woman’s, um, attributes, and talk about taking her home. But how do you sing about someone who you really see potential with? Now we have the answer: the romance of this contemporary longing can be summed up in the following (potentially unintentionally) hilarious lyrics from R. Kelly (with a vital contribution by Tyrese):

In case you missed the audio, that was: “Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant. Knock you up, yeah…”

I can’t wait until this is someone’s “first dance” song at their wedding. Or even better, features into a plot of “The Office” or “30 Rock.” It has to, right? Or maybe Will Schuester will be singing it on next week’s “Glee”? (Gosh, I hope not.)

This song has obvious comedic impact (he compares her to Patron, and tries to shake it off by telling himself that he’s a player, only to keep imagining her in a house with a white picket fence until he gives up and says, “put that girl in my kitchen.” Sigh. Don’t we all wish someone special would croon these sentiments at us?) But because I’ve always got to put the “J” in this website (and because I’ve just spent three days glued to the Twitter feed for the JFNA General Assembly), I’m going to just assume that these lyrics were written by Michael Steinhardt or someone else who’s obsessed with Jewish continuity. Of course it’s a little heavy-handed to work effectively in the Jewish community, but it seems clear that the Jews need a song like this, with a strong message about pursuing marriage and children.

Some potential lyrics? Glad you asked.

“Girl, you make me wanna join Federation / be part of the Jewish nation / find a JCC with a Hebrew school, and a swimming pool.”

“I wanna knock you up / let’s go into debt together / pay for Hebrew school forever.”

“First I gave you a rock / now we’re deep in hock / first for Jewish schools then for Jewish camp / yat least we’ve  got God’s approval stamp.”

I’m certain there are more potential lyrics out there. And I’m certain some of you are writing them right now. Please share!

(And we can all thank Emily Goldsher for sharing this vital piece of musical elegance with us.)

This “week” in Jewish dating news is a magical week, because it includes stories from the last month, many of them centering on issues of modesty and “shomer negiah” (not touching members of the opposite sex until marriage).

Chastity squad’s gonna git you, sucka. If you’re American yeshiva students screening porn for local Orthodox youth, or if you’re someone really immodest, like a divorcee, you might want to stay out of Jerusalem’s Beit Israel neighborhood. The ‘hood, which is becoming increasingly religious has been the site of several violent attacks against people deemed by the local “chastity squad” to be immodest.

The ‘chastity squad’ members snatched her at the playground, poured hot water on her, and when she began shouting they beat her up,” said the resident who witnessed the incident. In a separate incident, squad members allegedly broke into an apartment where several American yeshiva students lived, sprayed them with tear gas and stole a laptop.

Isn’t It Romantic? Giving new meaning to the term “eligible singles,” Star Singles is hosting a “special event for Kohanim and women eligible to marry them (please contact us for halachic parameters).” To learn about those parameters, you can check out the comments (“I guess this is where all the virgins will be,” “no divorcees allowed,” “sorry, I’m not a virgin”) or do some more research (see here, under “ritual defilement”). If you’re “eligible,” the event’s tonight in Brooklyn. Here’s the link to the Facebook invitation - if you go, please share a report with JDaters Anonymous…inquiring minds wanna know! (via Mara Manischewitz)

Isn’t It Romantic 2: Shidduchim Boogaloo. Cash money to anyone who matches a couple! Has it really come to this? On the Upper West Side, a memo circulated shortly to rabbis before Simchat Torah, promising $1000 to the person who orchestrates each of the first five matches made over Simchat Torah on the UWS that leads to marriage. Stipulations include that the two people didn’t know each other before and that they get married by Simchat Torah of next year. Also, “all 3 people have to agree that at certain time and certain place this matchmaker made the match and verified in front of a rabbi and they must be married by next Simchat Torah.”

A Case for Cougars? According to EndtheMadness.org‘s Chananya Weissman, who’s been writing about the shidduch crisis for years, 60 rabbis in Israel recently signed a statement that read (in part):

“It has recently been revealed that the primary cause of the [shidduch crisis] is that boys frequently prefer girls who are a few years younger… Since every year our population grows, the result is that there are always more girls in need of a shidduch than there are available boys.” The letter strongly urges shadhanim [matchmakers] to push shidduchim[matches] in which there is a minimal age gap between the boy and girl, or for the girl to be older.

Cool it, would-be “Jewgars”: in this world, “older” probably means 23.

Bringing Sexy Back(side) to Saucier Shomer Negiah Girls? “Shomer Negiah Panties allow a woman to abide by the halacha, but still be individual and sexy at the same time.” One pair sets you (sexy) back $20, but since these panties are Jewish, you can get a bargain: two pairs for $36…that’s one “chai” per pair. Cute idea, but I think they should really read: “Shomer Negiah: If You Can Read This, You’re Too Close.”

So that’s the news for now – feel free to send your submissions for wacky dating news to us here at jdatersanonymous at gmail. We want to hear from you!