Group therapy in a blog.
Single Semite of the Month: Evan Marc Katz
If Evan Marc Katz‘s name doesn’t sound familiar to you, it should. I’ve certainly mentioned him before–I met him about three years ago, in the early days of my column, at a UJC Young Leadership conference in Washington, DC, where he spoke to a packed room of frustrated daters about what they’re doing wrong with their dating profiles. I’ll admit it now…at first, I thought his advice (particularly about banning adjectives from my online profile) was a lot of hooey. But as I thought about it, I learned that the author of “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating” was right–my profile was much better after I took a red pen to it and eliminated some of those murky, non-helpful adjectives. (It didn’t help me get more online dates, but that’s another story.) That’s not the whole secret to fixing online dating profiles, but it’s one of the things Evan covers in the book and also for clients of his company, E-Cyrano.com.
Then Evan published his next book, “Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad,” a title which actually made me a little mad, but the book itself was a funny, relatable “he-said, she-said” of a read that made me feel a little better. Other people were going through this stuff too.
Over the years, Evan and I have become friends, and usually I get to see him when I’m in LA, and we talk about dating and relating and all that. He’s funny, and it’s “smart-funny,” not “stupid-funny.” (Plus, although he woulda been a contenduh even with his long curly hair, the new “clean-cut” style really brings out those eyes, that smile…)
Even so, somehow I never thought of Evan as a SSOTM until I read his latest article in Match.com’s Happen Magazine, chronicling what it’s like to be the “Last Single Guy Standing“:
Then I hit my mid-thirties. I started to take stock of my methods and was forced to wonder whether I was my own worst enemy. I suddenly felt something beyond longing for connection… I found myself with a real sense of urgency about settling down. A strange, deeply buried ticking clock of sorts. I actually found myself thinking things like, “If I fell in love tomorrow, got engaged in six months, got married in a year and had a child a year later, I’d still be in my late fifties by the time my kid graduated college.†I know. It’s nuts.
No more nuts than any of the rest of us who lived our lives imagining our own marriage timelines. Some of us planned to marry at 23, have a kid at 25, then again at 28 and 31, and be cool, hip moms well into our 50s. (Oh, not me; “a friend.”) But welcome to the world of the serious dater, maybe thinking ahead too much, too early, but needing to be serious in order to get serious. And unfortunately, Evan happens to be a dating coach, so there’s always going to be someone who says, “you’re still single, so what do you know?” (Believe me, singles columnists hear that too.)
So here he is, kids. The first in my resurrected series of “Single Semite of the Month.” And the reluctant poster child for Valentine’s Day. And a hell of a good guy.
(Have nominees for Single Semite of the Month? Send your suggestions to Jdatersanonymous at gmail dot com. And join our Facebook group to discuss suggestions and the decisions of the judges as SSOTMs are chosen…)
so there’s always going to be someone who says, “you’re still single, so what do you know?†(Believe me, singles columnists hear that too.)
On the flip side, married people get comments from singles like “what do you know about being single/dating/shidduch dating/etc. – you never really spent time doing this”. That we didn’t date as long or in the same way doesn’t mean we don’t have some good advice, too…
You know Esther, I really want to like this SSOTM, Evan. Mr. Katz writes well, looks swell and seems to be a funny, genuine, & nice guy. Still reading the site for his latest book ‘Why you’re still single…’, I found this from him on his description of the work: “non-fiction book and I’ve never done a shred of research…”. Now, knowing what I do know, this is a complete turn off to me. Sharing breezy personalized generalities, even if deeply based on painful experiences is no substitute for actually knowing something larger about the topic of your interest. His co-author BTW, may be a minor media celebrity in some circles, but writes noticeably less well and seems more than a tad confused in some of her statements in the short blurbs on their book site. This said, the book blurb from Rachel Greenwald, author of ‘Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School’ was useful in reminding me of the utility of some of her advice, but still his book seemed less than useful from what I could glean from the information presented.
So bottom line? Definite decent serious BF & marriage material from the information presented. Probably has a future as a reasonably successful semi-comedy writer for Hollywood’s semi-comedies. He may even be a reasonably effective ‘relationship coach’, (whatever that has come to mean). But without real hard information, absolutely necessary for an active and accurate appraisal of the situation at hand that can be realistically acted upon, he might as well be ‘Whistling Dixie’. Yes, it’s a very common problem with the genre (of ‘relationship coaching’ books), but still, someone’s got to notice these small flaws, right? Probably still a total sweetheart too though. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
Oh Please, he’s a serial monogamist and toxic bachelor. You can spot them a mile away. He will be saying the same thing until he’s 45 or at least 42. (See, for example, Eric Schaeffer),
This reminds me NOT to tell my 8 year old son that he’s God’s gift to women, that he’s a Genius, that he is a Handsome Prince, that no woman will ever be good enough for him, and that the Sun and Moon revolve around him ( many Jewish Mothers tend do this, especially when there is only one boy, and I am especially guilty , since it is true of my son).
Further, men who tend towards the metrosexual side generally can’t handle a woman with more than zero percent body fat. Mr. Katz probably hasn’t been with anyone over a size 2, unless it was during one his pleasurable druken college hook-ups.
(That takes care of the venting of my frustration and hositlity for the day. Apologies in advance to Mr. Katz if none of the above is true)
it may be better for them ( the boys) to have an inflated ego than the other side which is to not think that they are worthy. I was there and it is putrid. How about Gods gift w/ decency and humility?
chutzpah-
you may not agree with Evan’s opinions/writing (sometimes i don’t either), and he may have his relationship issues (who doesn’t?). but comparing him to that douchebag Eric Schaeffer is not only unfair, it is totally off base. and i think i am qualified to speak about both – since Evan is my brother, and i had a brief online email correspondence with Eric (which, even before all that information on Gawker came out, made me fully aware of what an ass he is).
anyway, i have never seen this site before (i was a Nerve.com user who dabbled only briefly in the JDate world…) and have no idea what this whole SSOTM is all about. but from what i can tell, it’s basically pimping out my brother – which is fine with me. so, if any women reading this want verification on what an amazing guy Evan is, feel free to ask me! i’m probably more critical of him than most people (that’s family for you) but i still think he is an amazing catch.
thanks,
Daryl
p.s. his two latest serious girlfriends were most certainly not size 2’s.
Ok Daryl,
Just generalizing…I don’t know either one of them.
I just know that when a guy has 1/2 a brain or is somewhat good looking, the odds are that they are going to be players.
I’m sure your brother is an amazing catch and that’s the problem, there are not enough of him to go around. Single men get NO sympathy from me when they can 3 different dates a day/7 days a week and most women would be happy to marry them.
Kudos for the over sized 2 girlfriends Evan.
Thanks!
“I just know that when a guy has 1/2 a brain or is somewhat good looking, the odds are that they are going to be players.”
Chutz, why the cynicism? There are intelligent, attractive men that were raised well and want to find and a good woman to marry. (Writing this makes me think of Jake Gyllenhaal’s recent quote about finding a good woman being an important job for a man).
Based on his writing, I would say that Evan falls in this category. He wants to be married and have a family. Good for him and kuddos for being confident enough to admit it in such a public forum (I think too many people have been conditioned not to admit this desire – especially men). Evan also counsels many singles to throw out stupid lists and be open to love. I can only assume he practices what he preaches.
Eric S., on the other hand, says he wants marriage and children as well but has
thrown up so many roadblocks in his search one is left to wonder if that is something he truly wants or is ready for.
Of course, I have not met either man so it really all boils down as to how they act in person.
Just my lengthy 2 cents.
Sorry the grammer was so off in that sentence. It should’ve been more like “I just know that when a guy has 1/2 a brain or is somewhat good looking, the odds are that he is going to be a player”
The cynicism comes from the bachelors I have encounter in my dating and the alleged statistic that 51% of women are single heads of households. It’s unfortunate, I come from a family with no divorces and my parents are celebrating their 45th Anniversary.
I hate cynicism and I know it’s unattractive but it just seems like The Quest for the Hot Smart Jewish Husband (often confused with the Hot Gay Nerd, but much rarer) has become an impossible dream for many women.
I second that.
Seems like a fine choice to me. But lordy, I can’t think *that* hard about internet dating. At least…not yet!
the problem w/ the statements made in this thread is the lack of a positive attitude. there are workshops that I can reccomend that will address this deficiency. The constant complaining that I read on this blog about this failure to attain an ongoing relationship, leads me to beleive that not enough internal work is being done esepcially in the area of therapy and having a positive attitude.
I have noticed this across all religious spectrums and mostly among western successful persons.
..guys arent too different than girls. They too want to meet that right one. While there arent that many objectively hot smart available jewish guys over 30, there arent many hot available girls as well. Thats called life. And hate to say it, if you find one, and he or she is hitting 40 (or over), then its not that he or she is a “player”. Rather, he or she has a block or issue that is keeping them from moving on. 99 times out of 100.
Also, I have found that too many women are looking for just that – the objectively hot smart funny guy – and they refuse to settle. Why settle, they think, if I am worth it (they are worth it because, their mommy and daddy always told them so). That awful “S” word – settle. Well, yo know what – everyone settles to some degree. Its called compromise. Okay, so he doesnt make $500K a year. Okay so he is balding. Okay so she isnt a size 2 or 4. We all settle. But the ones who can do it without finding that its a problem, are the ones who are able to find that the guy they are with is a hot smart funny great guy even though to others he aint so hot or funny…
Just a thought.
No one should “settle”. I settled and for 8 years of marriage I thought “I can’t believe I settled for this man. He is objectively not good on paper and subjectively not good in real life. He’s an embarrassment. I could’ve done much better.” That’s what settling gets you.
Money and sexual attraction are the two biggest reasons marriages fail, so if your partner doesn’t meet your criteria on those two issues…move on!
Umm, there are good statistics on why marriages typically ‘fail’ or why couples separate. These reasons have expanded a bit over time, but some are indeed as old as time. Money issues are one of the top 3, and then there’s a host of issues that are related to ‘money issues’. Disability leading to unemployment. Addiction leading to unemployment. Criminal prosecution leading to incarceration. Sex issues rarely are in the top 5 after the first few years (say 5-7), according to most surveys. There are many, many people in marriages who do not mesh well sexually with their mates, and yet they continue to stay married. Still, it is not recommended for anyone to stay in a marriage that they are deeply dissatisfied with. Many things can be improved with work, many people can not.
There’s an old country song that goes ‘The girls all get prettier at closing time’, a bar room classic covered by many singers. This is no doubt true for the guys too. Standards DO change over time. What you thought as ‘hot’ in your 20’s might seem profoundly silly to a 35 YO today. What was attractive in a partner in your 20’s may be merely annoying in a mate in his 30’s or downright morbidly strange in her 40’s. There’s ‘settling’ and then there’s discovering someone who somehow seems to fit the bill that you would have never previously considered.
A lot of this is the luck of the draw and being in the right place at the right time and being ready (and perhaps healthy enough) for the adventure of love & having a positive attitude. But at the end of the day, there’s few among us who’ve dated for any substantial length of time who can not say this; that there was at least one hopeful Mr./Ms. ‘Maybe’ in our past, who if the timing had been right, might have been able to fill that bill rather nicely. Some of this is wishful thinking. Some probably not. Old school mates & dates reconnect after 20, 30, 40 & even 50 years. How is that possible? There was something there, some positive and real connection and the memory of good times to build upon. It’s an engine of our own creation. There’s a tale of hope in this, but not if we insist on keeping to our rigid rules for everything.
Again I’ll insist that there’s very few of us who in our 20’s or 30’s would appear very impressive on paper. At the end of the day, most of humanity might end up in the ‘debit’ column but for their contributions to their own families and smaller often more inconsistent & fleeting efforts in their local communities. There’s good reasons for people to marry in their 20’s & early 30’s. Most of us will be on the same plane of expectations and have similar experiences & histories. The longer we live separate lives, the more uniquely individual we become in our habits and passions. It’s the shared history of many years lived together that often keeps married couples together despite tragedy, strife and disappointment.
‘Settling’ is a deeply complex topic, but at a certain point in all our lives, most of us have to concede that we’ve done this more than once, in more than a few dimensions with more than a few family members. We should not have to ‘settle’ for a less than satisfactory love. Neither should we settle for the prospect of no real long term intimate connection with someone of the opposite sex because ‘the right one has yet to come along’ for upwards of 20 years of ‘searching’/ dating , 15-20 years is just much too long to wait for perfection or for the right ‘bells & whistles’ to go off. It exacts a tremendous toll on our psyches, souls, and larger families.
This then is part of the reasons behind the singleton baby boom of the 30& 40 YO set. They’ve given up on finding appropriate mates, and have gone directly to the procreation/adoption stage. This may very well complicate any future relationship with a potential mate, but for many this is a small sacrifice given the reality of their choices they feel they face. These new single parents have ‘settled’ for being parents first, and partners 2nd, or perhaps never. For many this will prove to be a ‘good bargain’, in that they really had no ‘likely’ prospects and they were entering middle age wanting children. In a different age, many would have ‘settled’ for a slightly less likely prospect, and somehow found a decent degree of happiness just the same. The world is not made for perfection. Most times it’s a struggle to make it to mediocre for many. That may seem deeply tragic, but overall, life is not the musical comedy it may seem on the big screen.
Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’
there is a faulty logic w/ this ‘settling’ concept, because you cannot know in advance how/if someone will change once they are married.
The better approach is to settle in a positive way, this is what I picked and I am proud and happy w/ this.
I think the problem is the use of the word “settle.” As one dates and matures, their priorites begin to shift. Plus, we hopefully learn that each person and each relationship is unique. So, what bothered you in one person just doesn’t bother you in another. However, for all of this to happen you need to be willing to do two things: 1. Be open to all possibilities and 2. Truly know yourself. I believe that once that happens, the love of your life will find his/her way into your life.
Maybe a bit pollyanish but I can’t see living my life any other way.
The problem is with the word “settle.” It brings up too many negative associations. But it shouldnt. Settling for something or someone you arent happy with is a problem. But settling your expectations in life to be able to be happy with something or someone you may not have been in the past is a good thing and a mature ability. You dream of the big house in the suburbs. But you find out you cannot afford one that you like, so you start looking at smaller houses, with a small yard. If you are able to tell yourself that a small house could be charming and warm and a lovely place to live, and feel and believe it, while you will technically be “settling”, you will still be making a happy move in your life. Probelm is that people these days cannot make that adjustment – everyone believes they are entitled to the best, and they judge waht is best through other people’s eyes.
So what do we get to do with him? Hehe
Good to know men do that “calculating the years until” thing too…
Men better start doing it alot more…the research is blaming the hugh increase in Autism on old sperm.
By the way, you never want to “get” a man… you want him to come running after you. You try to catch him and he runs in the opposite direction.
True chutz, this is how the game is played. It is more important to dance the dance than many people think. Excellent post.
Heard on public radio: EMK giving his speil for PRI’s program ‘Studio 360′ today. I thought he did a good job and it was a very complimentary short. Cheers, ‘VJ’
Well, if I lived in LA, I’d want to be set up with him.
Wow. I had no idea the crowning of the first SSOTM would be so rife with discussion, controversy, and comments. Obviously, I chose Evan because I believe he’s a great guy and deserved it, even if not because he’s a great guy, then because he’s done so much for so many single people. And I hope that we’ve moved through our gut reactions toward understanding that not everyone can be defined by a single post or a single action; that comparing Evan to that Schaeffer character is totally like comparing picture frames and telephone cords (that is to say, not at all are they in the same category); that we’re always biased toward the people we know and judge more harshly the people we don’t.
I wish Evan, and us all, the best of luck in finding someone to make this life journey a little less lonely.
Reading this as a boomer single woman is sort of fascinating – Must say VJ has the most mature and well thought out perpsective- and hits on many truths.
I can say that settling- or staying settled throughout my 20s and 30s certainly shut some doors – and I would not recommend it. Compromise however and acceptance of what you have is crucial for any lasting relationship. The more you know (and like/care for) yourself and can be open and excited about knowing another , the more you will continue to be successful in your relationship. -And if your values and goals do not match- maybe it is best to be buddies but not mates.
Note: being on the dating scene in 40s/50s one has quite different perspective,standards, and needs (besides opportunity – try dating with many kids to manage and parenting plans to juggle besides work and home)
“There’s good reasons for people to marry in their 20’s & early 30’s. Most of us will be on the same plane of expectations and have similar experiences & histories. The longer we live separate lives, the more uniquely individual we become in our habits and passions. It’s the shared history of many years lived together that often keeps married couples together despite tragedy, strife and disappointment.”
This is all true, besides readiness and ability to have children- The whole thing changes as children become less of a priority and having them is a moot point. What brings folks together then, and keeps them together has to be different than what works for older couples.
Evan- and other coaches and dating ‘experts’ often can’t and don’t really speak to this very different group-
What Evan says for himself, however, one can only take on face value until meeting and dating him and finding out. From my perspective, He seems both ambitious and handsome- well spoken- and searching. Nothing wrong with that- good luck you all
Here’s my vote for Hot Male Jew of the Month or whatever you want to call him…don’t know if he’s single. Felix Riebl of the The Cat Empire. Hails from Down Under. His eyes and smile sparkle, and he moves like nobody’s business. A most incredible creature.
how can anyone think this man’s a player?!? He’s just *alright* looking, and that’s probably a very good pro photo of him. He uses the pic for all his publicity, right?