Usually, singers wax rhapsodic about the woman’s, um, attributes, and talk about taking her home. But how do you sing about someone who you really see potential with? Now we have the answer: the romance of this contemporary longing can be summed up in the following (potentially unintentionally) hilarious lyrics from R. Kelly (with a vital contribution by Tyrese):

In case you missed the audio, that was: “Girl, you make me wanna get you pregnant. Knock you up, yeah…”

I can’t wait until this is someone’s “first dance” song at their wedding. Or even better, features into a plot of “The Office” or “30 Rock.” It has to, right? Or maybe Will Schuester will be singing it on next week’s “Glee”? (Gosh, I hope not.)

This song has obvious comedic impact (he compares her to Patron, and tries to shake it off by telling himself that he’s a player, only to keep imagining her in a house with a white picket fence until he gives up and says, “put that girl in my kitchen.” Sigh. Don’t we all wish someone special would croon these sentiments at us?) But because I’ve always got to put the “J” in this website (and because I’ve just spent three days glued to the Twitter feed for the JFNA General Assembly), I’m going to just assume that these lyrics were written by Michael Steinhardt or someone else who’s obsessed with Jewish continuity. Of course it’s a little heavy-handed to work effectively in the Jewish community, but it seems clear that the Jews need a song like this, with a strong message about pursuing marriage and children.

Some potential lyrics? Glad you asked.

“Girl, you make me wanna join Federation / be part of the Jewish nation / find a JCC with a Hebrew school, and a swimming pool.”

“I wanna knock you up / let’s go into debt together / pay for Hebrew school forever.”

“First I gave you a rock / now we’re deep in hock / first for Jewish schools then for Jewish camp / yat least we’veĀ  got God’s approval stamp.”

I’m certain there are more potential lyrics out there. And I’m certain some of you are writing them right now. Please share!

(And we can all thank Emily Goldsher for sharing this vital piece of musical elegance with us.)