Group therapy in a blog.
Jewish
Happy Tu B’Av: Jewish Holiday of Love (If You’re Lucky)
116 years
As happens in the Jewish calendar, last night began a holiday that continues today: Tu B’Av, the traditional Jewish holiday of love. The timing is designed so that after Tish’ah B’Av, the Ninth of Av fast day, which recalls the tragedies of the Jewish people especially the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, we affirm life with joy, celebration and looking toward a future (read: the hope of future Jewish babies).
I was supposed to go to the Bangitout Tu B’Av party in NYC–which draws about 800-1000 Jews all (theoretically) looking for relationships. If I still had the Jewish Week singles column, I would have gone for research, but since Jewish singles isn’t my official pring beat anymore, this year, I was going just for me. But it wasn’t in the cards. (Read why here.)
Because last week was Tish’ah B’Av, this Shabbat is Shabbat Nachamu, the “Shabbat of Consolation” on which Madonna will be justifying her love with her husband through renewal of vows, and which traditionally has served as a designated Jewish singles weekend for the eternally hopeful.
But singles weekends are expensive, so many will take a less costly route and gather in Central Park on Shabbat for picnicking and kibbitzing. Who knows? I might even be there.
And now, a Tu B’Av video courtesy of some of my blog friends, including Benji Lovitt of WhatWarZone. Happy Tu B’Av!
Meet Me at Shul
716 years
It’s been said (or rather, sung) that what the world needs now is love, sweet love. It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.
But you know what the world really needs? More Jewish dating sites!!!
Here’s MeetMeAtShul, which, in addition to being another free Jewish dating site, has the added benefit of a URL that can be read two ways–“Meet Me At Shul” or “Meet Meat Shul.” (If I founded it, would you go to the MeetMeat Shul? And what would they serve at kiddush? Just curious.)
Forgive Us Our Dating Sins
017 years
At the risk of sounding self-promotional (a risk I take regularly), I wanted to re-share one of my best-received and most-often-remembered singles columns; it’s thematically appropriate for the Yamim Noraim (High Holydays) and has this year been reprinted in both the AZ Jewish Post and the Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles. Rereading the litany of dating sins again this year, I am a little depressed by how many of them I am still guilty of. Here’s to not perpetrating them in the New Year:
In this season of atonement, Jews of every stripe of observance stream into temples, synagogues, shteibels and shuls to recount their wrongs. Beating their breasts in repentance, they beg for absolution for the sins they have committed in their daily human interactions over the past year. On Yom Kippur, many wear canvas sneakers, the plainest of shoes, in a show of simplicity and humility.
As singles, trying on different slippers and hoping for a perfect fit, we have assayed to squeeze ourselves into many an improper shoe during the past year, blistering ourselves and others in the process, becoming callused as we try to move our lives forward. This battered state yields an impressively long list (and uncomfortable memories) of dating-related crimes and misdemeanors. It is only fitting that past and current singles seize this moment to take stock of the unique ways that we have wronged each other, as men, as women, as eligibles populating the same singles pool. Once and for all, let’s take the sin out of singles.
Just like the Al Chet – the prayer in the Yom Kippur liturgy wherein the individual confesses to a litany of collective sins – that inspired it, this original reading is also written in third person plural. We may not recall having committed each of the individual sins in this reading, but as members of the global singles community, we admit to every transgression, in the New Year’s hope that the memory of this confession will make us think twice before committing future infractions.
Preliminary studies suggest that this reading is at its most potent when read responsively before or after a singles event. For maximum dramatic effect, read the first two lines in each stanza responsively, first men, then women. The third sentence should be recited by men and women together. And while we’re asking God for forgiveness, remember – it can’t hurt to beg for a vision or a bat kol (heavenly voice) that reveals the e-mail address of your bashert (intended). Or at least a location, so you know whether you’re trying on uncomfortable shoes in the right city.
How to Solve the Singles Crisis, Part 2: “Date and Marry Out”/”No, DON’T!!!”
1017 years
A few weeks ago, someone wrote a singles column that reverberated coast to coast. And it wasn’t me. (Here endeth the jealousy and continueth the discussion.) Over at the Jewish Journal, Rob Eshman wrote about the fact that he knows “too many beautiful, brilliant single Jewish women in their 30s and 40s.”
I hear too many stories about the lack of available Jewish men, the first dates who are too lost or too pathetic, the fights over marriage and children that end the relationship and send the woman, now a bit older, diving back into the ever more shallow pool. But I don’t blame these women, of course not. I blame rabbis.
Rob suggests that rabbis need to lift the restriction on dating and marrying non-Jews, so that the Jewish women facing their 40s can go ahead and have children if they want to, without the stigma of having “married out.”
And if you thought the column was incendiary stuff, check out the letters to the editor that came the next week.
Gentile women don’t seem to find a shortage of Jewish men, one person notes. Although a statement like that–and a conversation with a friend who converted to marry a girlfriend of mine, in which he revealed that his conversion class was more than 90 percent female–makes me wonder if its the other way around.
There’s a lot of anger out there. And it’s damaging us all, maybe to the point of no return, whatever that is. But with a sentiment like that from a Jewish male, boiling down all his dating problems to the women who were “holding out for an Adonis with a heavy wallet,” I have to admit, I’m fighting an urge not to look at him and generalize him as the problem. What’s helping me is the fact that this person has no name. Well, I suppose he does, but here, it’s “Name Withheld By Request,” a common name for people responding to this column. No one wants to go on record about this stuff, and I don’t blame them. I really wonder sometimes what JDaters Anonymous or my column would look like if it were totally anonymous–with the fetters of self-identification removed, might I fall into the same sharp language, the same accusatory tones? I could choose to believe that I’d be a better person than that, but I know I’d be lying to myself.
The question of who’s to blame is not a productive one. What we all need to be is kinder, more open-minded, when regarding the people around us and that familiar-looking stranger in the mirror.
To read How to Solve the Singles Crisis, Part 1, click here.
How to Solve the Singles Crisis, Part 1: YU Connect-2
417 years
As some of you likely know, the Orthodox movement has proclaimed a singles crisis (or, as some might say, a “catastrophe”) in the Jewish community. This all stems from the fact that even in the Orthodox movement, many singles are marrying later, or not at all, resulting in a drop in the number of Jewish births expected based on prior estimates.
Enter the Center for the Jewish Future. I mean, it’s right there in the title–they’re about making sure that there’s a Jewish future and that it’s centered. (Or something like that.) Anyway, according to the YU Observer, the school is entering the “we can fix the singles crisis” game with a new organization called YU Connect-2, which will employ a two-pronged approach to enable interested singles to meet prospective spouses. Social workers, rabbis and peers will all be involved in the new venture, which was created with a team that included mental health professionals/dating advisers, rabbis, and dating mentors.
The first venue for interaction will be a variety of singles events. “These are not just random singles events, but they’re really going to be to reach out to all constituencies of the YU community,†confirmed Rabbi Brander. The activities include more structured settings, such as shiurim given by YU Roshei Yeshiva, as well as more relaxed activities such as bowling or miniature golf. “There will be a plethora of different activities,†Rabbi [Kenneth] Brander added. […]
The CJF has spent the past few months training approximately 30 dating mentors: young, married men and women who will organize programming and meet with singles one-on-one […] As part of YU Connect-2’s effort to appeal to different facets of the greater YU population, the dating mentors were chosen from various neighborhoods in the NY region, including the Five Towns, the Upper West Side, and Queens. The goal is to have different types of mentors who will be best suited to meet the needs of the religiously diverse YU community.
But it’s not like today’s YU students have no idea that marriage and procreations are on the general (and specifically, the community’s) agenda for today’s young Jews. As student Revital Avisar (SCW ’08) noted in the Observer article, “YU in general is by definition Jewish Orthodox and obviously they base their curriculum and their overall activities on Jewish attributes and ideals,†she said. “One of those ideals is starting a family. I think it’s been implied and emphasized; it’s already so overwhelming. The environment that we’re in is already enough.â€Â
Sounds like the pressure is on, for everyone. And YU is at least admitting that the attempt is an initiative in process, so they don’t expect to get it right immediately. But they’re trying, which is something. My concern is the pressure noted by the above student, and likely felt by many others. That, and the reinvention of the wheel–how many other dating opportunities do religious Jews in NYC have? Many, many, many. The challenge will be making “this dating service different from all other dating services,” especially at a university where students already know what’s expected of them, and despite that fact (or maybe because of it??) are still marrying later.
Stay tuned for other posts in what is sure to be an ongoing series.
Fake Jewess Rides JDate to Closure
118 years
We hear a lot about non-Jews using Jdate to seek out Jewish dates. One more recent post is over at the JTA, actually not written by me. (As the descendants of the Marx Brothers and Woody Allen, we’re not sure why anyone would want to be part of the club that would have us as members, but…) But here’s a new spin, as someone named Fake Jewess writes in the Jerusalem Post about falling in love with a Jewish guy. They’re together, they’re magic, and then they’re over:
We had an awful fight. We said awful things. I cried every day for weeks, until he called. He sounded meek, not the blustering, brainy jokester I knew. “I miss you,” he said. “Me too.” We agreed to be friends. And with some prescience, I made him swear he would be the one to tell me when and if he got married.
Being “just friends” was rough. He scrutinized me for flaws, determined to find them. (I sometimes made this very easy for him.) “You and I are not viable,” he wrote tersely. Soon, we were no longer talking.
Selfishly, I could only think of how achingly I missed him. He had once told me that he used JDate to meet women. I began checking the site to see if any profile rang a bell. It wasn’t long before I recognized him. Oh, he had fudged some facts, but I would know him anywhere, my Jewish Guy.
I had to talk to him. But I was afraid, as “not viable” me. So I created a JDate profile.
What happens next is actually a surprisingly touching story of how love gone wrong remains a mystery and can eat at our curiosity, and the lengths we go to to learn the sources of our disappointment. Not everything has a rom-com ending. And maybe that’s ok.
LAist Joins JDate
418 years
I’m kind of surprised that Gothamist didn’t think of this first, but LAist has joined JDate…or at least one of their writers does. Calling herself Jewgirl, one of their writers submits to JDate membership as writing and dating experiment:
I’m not necessarily looking for “the oneâ€Â, but certainly someone who is nice and cute and funny. That’s not too much to ask for, right? I mean, if they happen to be nice, cute, funny, tattooed, artistic AND Jewish, all the better…
I guess she thinks these are realistic expectations. And maybe they are. And I applaud her decision to keep her own identity–and the identities of the men she has dates with–anonymous. As you know, I’m a firm believer in “just because he’s not for me doesn’t mean he’s not for someone,” and keeping it all anonymous helps us all stay positive, and not drag anyone’s reputation unnecessarily through the dating mud.
I also have questions: how long do you think it will be until she goes out with Evan? Or will she use E-Cyrano’s services to help improve her profile? Does she know Hilary? Does being Jewish really matter to her, or is it just a parental preference she’d like to satisfy?
Whatever the answers, I hope she has better luck than most of the others of us who have dated and documented our efforts. May she experience some great men who give us all reasons to believe that there are others–maybe even non-tattooed ones–out there.
This Post Only Looks Unrelated
018 years
It looks like this post reveals the geek side of me, since it unites two geek-guilty pleasures, Conan and Star Wars. But if you view the video before, and wait for the last character to be introduced, you may put A and B together and remember, as I did, that there’s at least ONE (and let’s face it, probably more than one) JDate guy who uses that character’s name as his screen name.
SSoTM Makes Good: Josh Bernstein in the NY Times
4518 years
According to this article in the NY Times, quasi-archeologist/explorer (and charter Single Semite of the Month) Josh Bernstein attracted a record number of women to a recent fireside chat at the Explorers’ Club, where he talked about his travels and adventures.
Mr. Bernstein, 36, is an anthropologist and Cornell graduate. He is the host of a program that explores mysteries like the lost cities of Atlantis and El Dorado. He travels to location by camel or paraglider or with oxygen tanks and flippers, sometimes braving natural disasters and parasites. Last Monday, during his finale on the History Channel, Mr. Bernstein explored Aztec civilization and human sacrifice.
Yes, a true and bold explorer. But has he been brave enough to try the Jewish singles scene? Talk about natural disasters, parasites and human sacrifice…
Anyway, congratulations to our SSoTM. Since the second SSoTM has also recently been in the NY Times I can only scientifically conclude that being a SSoTM makes you even more famous. So apply today!
JLove Freebie for Singles, through February 15
918 years
JLove, the online dating website that’s positioning itself as the market challenger of JDate (and founded by a former founder of JDate), is giving the gift of mail to single users this week…if you’re a non-premium member, you are being granted the chance to read your accumulated emails through the 15th for free. And if you want to send emails to a promising JLove user, that’s free too.
Of course, I would recommend that you not send emails like these two, the ones that were in my inbox when I redeemed this free offer…[original spellings preserved, of course]:
Subject: hello
“How are you? I like your profile and picture. You look pretty. Have a good weekend.”
Result: attempt to view profile blocked…”this profile is currently unavailable”
Subject: hello baby!
Message: I AM INTERESTED IN YOU. I LIVE IN MEXICO. COULD YOU DROP SOME LINES TO ME AT: [email address deleted] ??? THANKS YOU BEAUTIFUL BABY. I HOPE YOUR ANSWER. SO LONG.
Result: Moving to Mexico. Of course. We’re perfect together, can’t you see?
So don’t say JLove never got you anything for Valentine’s Day. Because three days of free membership privileges is better than you ever got at JDate, right?