JDaters Anonymous
Group therapy in a blog.
Never Never Never Trust a…
118 years
The good news is I’ve solved the conflict between Muslims and Jews. All we have to do is agree that the opposite sex is evil and that singles should only mix in pursuit of immediate marriage. Whaddya say, kids? Doable?
Those of you who are loyal Jewlicious or JDaters Anonymous readers may remember a post I did last year about a site for frum (religious) teens called, well, FrumTeens, which had a post cautioning girls (in 71 different “reasons”) to “Never never never talk to boys…” According to “It’s Muslim Boy Meets Girl, But Don’t Call it Dating” (NY Times), American Muslims “equate anything labeled “dating†with hellfire, no matter how short a time is involved.” (Well, they’re kind of right. Or at least it feels like hellfire sometimes. But usually a trip to the doctor clears that up.)
The couple of hundred people attending the dating seminar [at the Islamic Society of North America’s annual convention, which attracted thousands of Muslims to Chicago over Labor Day weekend] burst out laughing when Imam Muhamed Magid of the Adams Center, a collective of seven mosques in Virginia, summed up the basic instructions that Muslim American parents give their adolescent children, particularly males: “Don’t talk to the Muslim girls, ever, but you are going to marry them. As for the non-Muslim girls, talk to them, but don’t ever bring one home.â€Â
But what about online dating and email messages? Surely that constitutes innocent and pure behavior, providing a safe space for Muslim singles to interact? Not so fast…basically, the article tells us, to Muslim ears, “dating” is a euphemism for premarital sex. Or, as the dating seminar moderator put it, “All of these are traps of the Devil to pull us in and we have no idea we are even going that way.â€Â
Still, most American Muslims acknowledge that the optimal mate-finding process–an arranged marriage–is unattainable in this day and age. But they still want to be involved in the process.
So here’s the idea…a Joint Muslim-Jewish Task Force on Eradicating the Evil Process of Dating in the Modern World So That Singles Can Hurry Up and Get Married Already But Not to Each Other (Heaven Forbid). The JMJTFoOEtEPoDitMWSTSCHUaGMABNtEO(HF) may just revolutionize relationships, between Jews and Muslims as well as among their respective singles populations. And you heard it here first, folks…
Hooray for Singles!
518 years
Sometimes singles feel reluctant to admit their uncoupled status, as if it’s some sort of stigma or something…well, singles rejoice! Because now we can take couples in a fight–we’ve got the majority advantage. According to unmarriedamerica.org, the number of unmarried Americans (which includes singles, widowed, and divorced Americans) is now at 50.3%, In your face, Married America!
And if that weren’t enough good news, I’m pleased to also share with you the discovery that National Singles Week is 9/18-23, which begins Monday and runs through next Saturday. (No revelry on Sunday the 24th, though. I don’t know why we don’t get a Sunday. That’s just the rule. Don’t ask me. I’ve got no sway with them, unfortunately. Maybe National Singles Week just “doesn’t make Sunday…because of God.”)
National Singles Week was started by the Buckeye Singles Council in Ohio in the 1980s to celebrate single life and recognize singles and their contributions to society. So in tribute to all the wonderful singles out there, I’m asking you all to submit your nominations for “Greatest Human Contribution by a Single Person.” Or some other such category. Consider it open nominations for any category involving single people. Allow me to get you started with some suggested categories…the rest is up to you:
- Most Responsible Online Dater
- Least Likely to See a Matchmaker
- Best Performance Involving an Embarrassing Situation
- Best Online Dating Profile
- Best Singles Book
- Best TV Representation of Single Life (Since the Cancellation of Sex and the City)
- Most Creative Breakup Strategy
- Best Blog on the Subject of Singles and Dating
And no, that last one doesn’t have to be me. And you don’t have to stick to these categories either. You know, just like in dating…no rules here. Just be nice to each other. After all, in the world of the uncoupled, we all have to stick together.
Happy National Singles Week to all you JDaters Anonymousers….
Belated Roundup
818 years
I’ve been compiling some recent posts by other people that I thought were worth linking to, and was hoping that they’d gel into some larger lesson about dating, but I seem to be lacking the necessary gelatin. So here they are, sans great insight from me, presented on their own merits. Discuss amongst yourselves…
Forbes had done a story on whether men should marry career women, and the answer was a resounding no. So naturally, Forbes asked one of their female writers, a career woman herself, to respond. Essentially, she tells dudes to start going to the gym. Elsewhere, a woman posts about being told by her laundry lady that she’d better hurry up and get married; the only upside is she gets Gawker traffic for it. And EW’s Popwatch (with an assist from me) coins a new word that has dating lexicon potential: ventimentality.
On the Jewish side of things…At the Philly Jewish Exponent, a writer gives his moderately amusing advice about what to do and not do at your next singles event…Draydel writes about having been to a singles weekend, and discovering that men have insecurities too, she feels a new empathy for them, which is very magnanimous and open-minded of her. But I suspect there’s no forgiving what happened to this friend of Chayyei Sarah’s, who went on a date with a guy who was already on a date with someone else. I only wish I were kidding. A real disturbing story that might make you hate men (or at least, men who behave like the dude in the story did). So consider yourselves warned.
And in other news, I’m nearly broke. Donations accepted via PayPal and in the form of magical voodoo rituals that ensure prosperity. No goat sacrifices, please.
Smokin’ Singles: A Dream Becomes a Google Alert
318 years
A few years ago, I met someone through the internet. He was a real sweetheart online, but with a serious edge when we met in real life. He lived far away, which wouldn’t necessarily have discouraged me if the chemistry was right. But when we met, I think it was immediately clear to both of us that it wasn’t a match. Plus, he was as devoted a smoker as I was a writer. Despite my sending him an occasional email, we fell out of touch; because there was really little point, I guess.
Last night, I had a thought before sleeping that crossed into a dream state–I knew a girl for this guy; she had spunk, and humor, was a Republican, was passionate about Israel, and she was a smoker. If the distance were no issue, I would set them up. Not like being a smoker was the only reason to match people up–if the goal was to recruit new smokers or get the old ones to stop, a smoker/non-smoker pairing might be a better strategy.
But the smoking factor, combined with the other ones, made me feel like maybe I should get back in touch with him, if only to put him in touch with her. They could be smokin’ hot soulmates. Or they could be a total mismatch despite having things in common. Or the distance could prove too much for both of them. Who knows? But who was I to stand in the way of a potential match? And how else would these folks meet each other? It’s not like there’s an online dating service for smokers, is there?
And this morning, there it was, in my GoogleAlerts folder–“Dating for Smokers Launches SpeedDating.” DFS was started by UDrive Dating, a corporation that covers niche markets like Large and Lovely, Color Blind Personals, and yes, Smoke-Free Dating. (No reason not to cover both sides of the market; next up, “I only smoke when I drink, and since the NYC smoking ban, I can’t smoke anywhere anymore and it sucks” Dating.)
Anyway, this taught me that either a) I am a dating site prophet, or b) anything I might possibly think of has already been done. So the choice is believing myself prophetic or unoriginal? What will the lady choose…
Coming Soon, a Change
018 years
Because of various Blogger problems and a customer service department that rivals JDate in the race for the coveted title of “Ignoring Your Customers,” I’m going to be moving this blog over to a new Typepad-powered site. So look for a new template, new graphics and photos, and most importantly, a new URL that’s shorter, sleeker, and 50% more flame retardant.
More on this situation as my technological ability develops. Stay tuned!
Are You Broken Up? MySpace May Know…
918 years
Are you and your special lady in a relationship? Are you sure?
Are you and your boyfriend, like, totally broken up? Are you sure?
In the electronic age, there’s only one way to know: check all of your significant other’s online affiliations. Because he may still be cruising JDate, or she may have changed her MySpace designation from “In a Relationship” to “Single,” or your special someone may not be ready to move forward with you and only you–and you’ll find out because her Friendster relationship designation is now “It’s Complicated.”
But what are the rules? How long are you supposed to wait to change your status after a breakup  or, for that matter, when a relationship begins? And beyond checking off status, what should you do with sexy comments a fling has posted? Or when do you downgrade an ex’s online avatar from your list of top friends?
But really this isn’t news. Relationships are always complicated. The only way to make sure you’re on the same page is if you sit down and have a conversation. Close that IM window, kids–I’m talking about a real conversation. You know, the kind you have over dinner or even over the phone.
Yes, I’m radical. And still single, actually, so never mind, I have no idea what I’m talking about. Don’t do drugs–stay in school!
“Wedding Bell Blues” (New Jewish Week Column Online)
418 years
From “Wedding Bell Blues,” my newest column now online:
Weddings are magic. The details have come together according to plan. Two people have found each other and decided to spend their lives together, no matter what fate brings them. The bride looks like a queen; plus, she has special powers.
On her wedding day, the Jewish bride has the “Bridas Touch† a temporary condition in which, particularly under the wedding canopy, her marital fortune is contagious. While she’s under the canopy accepting a ring from her betrothed, she gives single women her regular jewelry to wear, for added luck. The remainder of wine from her glass is also imbued with special powers and distributed to single wedding guests; this “segulah†wine is a Red Bull energy drink for the uncoupled, increasing the inherent bashertiness of the imbiber.
The bridal wizardry begins even before the ceremony. When the mothers of the bride and groom break a plate before the ceremony, signifying that a kinyan, or transaction, has taken place, the shards are given to single women for good luck. At my brother’s wedding, I reached into my purse during the reception, and promptly sliced my finger open on such a lucky shard. Luckily, a handsome doctor with a great sense of humor came to my rescue, cleaning the wound with vanilla vodka and suturing it using frayed napkin strands. After cocktails and dancing, we hid from the crowd under the Viennese Table and he told me he loved me  that table of delicious pastries serving as chuppah to our love. (Or if you prefer the truth to literary license: The finger-slicing was followed by a band-aid, and a hora, during which some other dancer impaled her four-inch heel in the center of my big toe.)
For more, click the link above.
Being Single is a Draw
218 years
I always said that you could find a magazine quote to support any position…and if anyone doubted your methods or the opinion’s validity, you could always say, “Oh, it’s true, I read it in a magazine,” because even if you hadn’t, it was probable that you could have. Nowadays, it’s all about the internet, of course, with new magazines and webwire services launching daily, and with a steady stream of surveys that prove pretty much anything.
Well, you’ll be happy to know that being single has its pros and cons. For instance, depressed people who walk down the aisle experience alleviation of their depression. Unless, of course, they marry the wrong person and experience a post-wedding life of conflict and unhappiness. As the article says, “People who were happy before getting married and end up in a marriage plagued by distance or conflict — qualities associated with a depressed spouse — might be better off single.” (Ya think?)
But, married people, on average, are fatter [typos from the original survey, which calls into question its veracity…].
One reason could be that married people have more relaxed attitudes in terms of body image, whereas singles may view themselves as part of the “marriage market” and will go to greater lengths to say fit, says Robyn McGee author of Hungry for More: A Keeping it Real Guide for Black Women on Weight and Body Image.
A study by the University of California, San Diego and the University of California, Los Angeles professors found that out of 67,000 Americans, those who never married tended to die earlier than those who were divorced, separated or widowed.
And on the other hand, being married is no guarantee for longevity… married women who hold back on expressing their feelings also die younger than women who express their emotions:
Women who reported usually or always keeping their feelings to themselves when in conflict with their husbands, known as self-silencing, had more than four times the risk of dying from any cause compared to women who always show their feelings, the researchers said.
And of course, there’s the old joke. Married people live about as long as single people; it just feels like it’s longer.
But I know these are all true. Don’t believe me? I read it in an online magazine. Or five.
This Just In: Some Men Still Jerks
2118 years
Over at the Jewish Journal’s singles column, we learn–once again–that online dating can be emotionally perilous…even during the correspondence portion of the experience.
After finding a profile that looked interesting, intrepid dater Diane Saltzberg zipped over an email, asking the potential mensch what he meant by wanting to hear from women who were “fit.” I know…those of you who have been there and have a few extra pounds on you (and really, so many of us do) are saying, “Girlfriend, why’d you do that? We all know that men who put ‘fit’ in their profile mean that they want someone skinny! You shoulda just skipped him!” Well, we couldn’t get to her in time, but the dude–who she dubbed “Mr. Sensitive” for reasons that will become clear and involve heavy sarcasm–responded in a way she’ll never forget.
“Your profile is extremely well-written, as is your note. You are clearly very, very bright, as am I. That’s why I can’t understand why you’d be in such absolute denial of a clear reality. You didn’t fill in your weight in your profile because you’re not happy with it. If you were, it would be there and you wouldn’t be writing all that senseless crap about Jane Mansfield, with whom you have absolutely nothing in common.
Look in the mirror, see the same thing anyone can see in your photos: You are soft, untoned, out-of-shape and, yes, fat. Then, either fix it or accept it, but don’t try to make believe you’re not. And certainly don’t try to convince others you aren’t because it makes you seem absolutely crazy. Now go do the right thing.”
I felt like I had been hit in the stomach. His e-mail was breathtaking in its cruelty.
We’ve all asked this question before…who does such a thing? Who fancies himself so impervious to criticism, so above and beyond reproach, that he feels entitled to make someone else feel like crap, when a simple “Thanks for your interest, but I don’t think we’d make a good match” might make a frustratingly generic, but merciful and menschy response? Or, as the writer puts it…” Why be gratuitously mean?”
Why indeed. It’s the $64,000 question. She’s willing to give JDate another chance–some of the rest of us have had it. But I would urge those of you who are out there and might be “inspired” to share your noble opinions, in the name of “tough love” or whatever in a similar mode to the above, please, opt for the generic, menschier response. Believe us, it makes you a better person.
The whole article is here, complete with her email address at the end–feel free to send her a note of support and commiseration…
“Coming Attractions” (new JW column is online)
518 years
Greetings columnizers. My newest Jewish Week singles column, “Coming Attractions,” is now available online.
Coming Attractions
by Esther D. Kustanowitz
New York Jewish Week, First Person Singular
August 18, 2006
When my friends and I moved to New York City after college, theater and high culture were out of our price range. But at the movies, we found affordable, air-conditioned entertainment. Popcorn was always extra (in terms of both coins and calories), but a secret bonus was included in the price of admission: Before the film started, we were treated to numerous movie trailers, designed to entice us into future movie ticket purchases and to create buzz for upcoming film releases. We’d predict how many trailers we’d get, and be delighted when we got more than expected. Based on how good each preview was, we’d make our decisions right there  “no way!†“totally!†and “maybe on DVD.â€Â
In the dating world, several mechanisms operate as trailers, setting us up with overly vast expectations or none at all, and causing us to make instant judgments about the people we meet as romantic potentials. If we’re looking, we’re often “treated†to previews of the main attraction before we even determine whether the featured presentation holds any attraction at all. The movie judgment mechanism is activated. Bearing little information, we discard potential dates before we ever meet them, or elevate our expectations to such a level that no man or woman alive can ever hope to reach them.
To read the rest of this article, visit this page at EstherK.com.